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i wonder if you still love me even though you have no memory of me
when we woke one morning, you didn't remember, and it hurt so badly
i know you most feel pain, but not from the memory loss but from cancer
and i know that me yelling at you isn't the answer
everything i want you to know is written in this letter
i hope then when your done reading it i'll feel better
i cheated on you not once not twice but three times
i've been convicted on several different crimes
i lied to you about my drinking and drank with friends
i also lied when i didn't cut anymore but i did on weekends
i was at the hospital when i said i went down south
because my foster parents called you a liar and a whore so i hit both of them in the mouth
i was always doing the same jackass shit i always loved to do
and sometimes i never got to say i love you
but now if i do i know you wouldn't matter
and knowing what i didn was wrong my heart has been shattered
i'm sorry for everything i did and i wish you could forgive me
if not i understand, i'll leave and let you be
but know this i still love you
and i hope you still love me to

this was kinda a true storry....something i'm not proud of

Very interesting.

Nothing hurts more than being forgotten. I know the feeling.

it does hurt

do you really regret the things you do? are you really sorry? i cant imagine that if you dont stop doing them, you man.

i do regret everything i did to her....it hurts too much...i stopped that stuff awhile ago but it still bothers me

Originally posted by XvampbenjiiX666
i wonder if you still love me even though you have no memory of me
when we woke one morning, you didn't remember, and it hurt so badly
i know you most feel pain, but not from the memory loss but from cancer
and i know that me yelling at you isn't the answer
everything i want you to know is written in this letter
i hope then when your done reading it i'll feel better
i cheated on you not once not twice but three times
i've been convicted on several different crimes
i lied to you about my drinking and drank with friends
i also lied when i didn't cut anymore but i did on weekends
i was at the hospital when i said i went down south
because my foster parents called you a liar and a whore so i hit both of them in the mouth
i was always doing the same jackass shit i always loved to do
and sometimes i never got to say i love you
but now if i do i know you wouldn't matter
and knowing what i didn was wrong my heart has been shattered
i'm sorry for everything i did and i wish you could forgive me
if not i understand, i'll leave and let you be
but know this i still love you
and i hope you still love me to

this was kinda a true storry....something i'm not proud of


This clearly means a lot to you, and there's a lot of powerful emotion here. I like it. My only real critism would be that you seem to be trying to hard to make your lines rhyme, which makes some of them run on a lot longer than others. It kind of upsets the rhythm of the poem.
That said, your message comes across clearly and you seem to have a pretty strong instinct for what you want to say.

torture thy all!

Alone she lies
in her candlelit tomb
casting her spells
on mankind.

Her soul, so dark
by evil empowered
The angel of death
fears her.

Her lips, so sweat
Her eyes full of darkness
Her beauty is morbid
and cruel.

A queen of death
evil and darkness
Dominative,
the true nemesis.

Take a look in her eye
then thou will die
Without mercy she tortures
and kills

But she suffers inside
from burning desire
Unable to fulfill her
own lust

For her lust is so strong
Her body is crumbling
So sick is her body
and mind

But allthough she crumbles
in sickly desires
her powers thee never
will bind.

For the true queen of evil
Will never be broken
She shall rise up and torture thy all!

Cool, nice imagery you used there. Keep it up.

thanx you...i dont kno if i can do it again..it was hard

Well, you can hopefully only improve if you keep up at it.

You don't have to take this advice, but this is what I personally do when I write poetry. I have a notebook, and I just write down things that come to my mind, each on a seperate page. If I have more creative juices flowing for one verse or more, then I work at it. But if I don't, then I just flip the page, and start on something new. Maybe finish that other one a different day.

Just keep writing!

i'll do that...sounds good

i'm working on something called the crimson...aother song title

Originally posted by XvampbenjiiX666
torture thy all!

Alone she lies
in her candlelit tomb
casting her spells
on mankind.

Her soul, so dark
by evil empowered
The angel of death
fears her.

Her lips, so sweat
Her eyes full of darkness
Her beauty is morbid
and cruel.

A queen of death
evil and darkness
Dominative,
the true nemesis.

Take a look in her eye
then thou will die
Without mercy she tortures
and kills

But she suffers inside
from burning desire
Unable to fulfill her
own lust

For her lust is so strong
Her body is crumbling
So sick is her body
and mind

But allthough she crumbles
in sickly desires
her powers thee never
will bind.

For the true queen of evil
Will never be broken
She shall rise up and torture thy all!

I love this! Hun you're so good at writing.

interesting really. your visualisation is good and again it is some thing that you have to work on to make it some more easily.
your rhythem is slightly odd though, maybe thinking about stanzas themselves as individuals may help you with this rather than thinking of the lines as individual lines as they make up some thing bigger and more profound.

but I really like what you have so far. keep going.

thank you *bows*your too much pitt_victory

the crimson

the blood, so warm, so crimson, runs down your face
i bend down and lick it all up, not leaving a trace
the taste, so rich, the blood, so thick, runs down my throat
you see the blood run faster and started to choke
i hold your neck and slit it, making a frsh river of blood
i'm drove to insanity, drinking all of it, my mouth starts to flood
your body goes limp, and i toss it away not knowing what to think
i look back at the mess, and started to crave for another drink
the blood, so warm, so crimson, is splattered everywhere
i run my fingers threw it, likcked it up, and looked at you without a care
the taste so rich, the blood, so thick, has done this to me
i walk out so i wont hurt again whispering "do you still love me?"


December's moon

the moon, full and red, hangs in the December night
filling your children to the brim with fright
the demons howl, and the crzies laugh with pain
the murderers come out to find the nex victim to slain
the dead burst threw their coffins, to creak and moan
the babbies and little children hear it, and shiver to the bone
the holy leave and the unholy rise from the ground
they kill anyone and everyone, terrorizing the town
the vampires drain the people, leaving them shriveled and dry
the werewolves tear apart their victim's leaving them to die
but sadly for them it all ends so quickly, so soon
they'll be back, to hunt under the December moon

i was stuck with these two...i had to make them short

dream come true

in my time of pain and sorrow, i wanted a dream to come true
to find someone who's pure at heart, that someone was you
before i found you, my life was a mess, the wrongs made me out of control
i was always depressed, hurting myself, drinking, proving that i had no soul
waiting, always to see if you would come, my personal wish
my special someone, to have and to hold, to love and to kiss
now i can't wait to wake from a long, restless night of sleep
just so i can talk to the person whom shown me feelings so deep
your eyes are deep with emotions, that are clear as the sky
your smile, so beautiful, is something that hides no lies
my heart goes crazy when i hear your harmonous voice
i asked Satan for someone to love, he gave me his best choice
no one can stand between us, no ex, no one new
i say this because i love you and you know its true
i dream of you every night, and think of you everyday
i lose myself in your voice and mezmeric sway
i can't put my love for you in anymore words
its something you'll see (and love) afterwards

Kiki...this is for you my love omg_so_sexy

awww I love it!

thank you my love...now would anybody else? <.<....>.>...O.O

o.o

exactly my point

Originally posted by XvampbenjiiX666
in my time of pain and sorrow, i wanted a dream to come true
to find someone who's pure at heart, that someone was you


I really liked this line. Very cute

hehe thank you buddy

do you really care?


as i lie here with blood pouring out of fresh wounds
i now realise that my time here on earth is to end soon
theres no pain from the cut, just the memory of you
also, the thought of my death being your fault hurts too

i wish i was back in a time of no pain
a time where your love wasn't in vain
when we were happy to spend time together
a time where you said you'd love me forever

my vision slowly burns to black and grey
there was never a thought of how this could end another way
i wish i could warn the next guy of your slow poison to the heart
so when you leave he won't go the same way i'm about to depart

the visions of marriage pass my tear filled eyes
now i'll have another place where family and friends will cry
a painful sight of me caused by your beauty and your might
a lonely house with silence throughout the whole night

tears run down to mix with my blood across the floor
i close my eyes for im getting tired and they're getting sore
through my clenched eyes tears of you still run free
i just wish to know why you did this to me

my time is near i can hear it call to me like the way you used to
i can care less now if this act of mine will actually hurt you
i just could care less of your worhtless, self-sacrificng life
and i can care a lot less that you used to call yourself my wife

i see the end of my rope, my time has come to an end
these are my last memories to you i send
don't come visit me when im buried like you care
because why now would you want to be there?

this is it, im gone from this place of Hell
i can hear the slow rthym of the death-knell
looks like you had the last laugh, like you said you always do
just remember, the blood and tears on the floor are just for you.

~this poem was just something i decided to wirte...please don't worry..Justin aka Benjii~

WoW!!!!!!!!

really some thing. I love this one (I dont often say that!!)

great the rythem is better too. but then again I can kinda relate to the topic, so I'm a little bias brilliant, keep it coming.

thank you....i'm working on 2 different ones right now

Originally posted by XvampbenjiiX666
i wonder if you still love me even though you have no memory of me
when we woke one morning, you didn't remember, and it hurt so badly
i know you most feel pain, but not from the memory loss but from cancer
and i know that me yelling at you isn't the answer
everything i want you to know is written in this letter
i hope then when your done reading it i'll feel better
i cheated on you not once not twice but three times
i've been convicted on several different crimes
i lied to you about my drinking and drank with friends
i also lied when i didn't cut anymore but i did on weekends
i was at the hospital when i said i went down south
because my foster parents called you a liar and a whore so i hit both of them in the mouth
i was always doing the same jackass shit i always loved to do
and sometimes i never got to say i love you
but now if i do i know you wouldn't matter
and knowing what i didn was wrong my heart has been shattered
i'm sorry for everything i did and i wish you could forgive me
if not i understand, i'll leave and let you be
but know this i still love you
and i hope you still love me to

this was kinda a true storry....something i'm not proud of I'm reminded of a sophomoric attempt at a blatant redemption for guilt without guile. Your words to express your thoughts and feelings feels trite and heavy handed, touched with insincerity that my brain rides in a tumultuous conundrum. Express yourself without expressing yourself with excess.

if you dont like it dont read!


XvampbenjiiX666, Pay no attention, hes just being pretentious. I really like your stuff. some ppl just dont kow how to appreciate it.

These are well made.

thank you Lara and Scythe...umm i'm slow in the summer and i have no clue at what the Hell that guy was trying to tell me

Originally posted by Fëanor
I'm reminded of a sophomoric attempt at a blatant redemption for guilt without guile. Your words to express your thoughts and feelings feels trite and heavy handed, touched with insincerity that my brain rides in a tumultuous conundrum. Express yourself without expressing yourself with excess.

Best thing said in this thread...possibly this forum.

Originally posted by Bardock42
Best thing said in this thread...possibly this forum. go burn in Hell

Bardy, play nice!!!!!

its ok..he has his opinions....

yeah but there is no excuse for being an arse!

..nobody does...

Originally posted by Lara
if you dont like it dont read!


XvampbenjiiX666, Pay no attention, hes just being pretentious. I really like your stuff. some ppl just dont kow how to appreciate it. Then what would be the point of one submitting a prosaic verbal tirade if one is not wanting one's opinion whether it's for or against? If you expose yourself to the world in whatever way, then it is quite often that one must endure ridicule or accolades. And it doesn't matter if said submitter of verse wanted or required an opinion of one's work, it is there for those to opine an opinion. The saying goes: One does not become better when one only hears what they want to hear and if all they hear are: great job! awesome work! dude...you are by far...da bomb!
Do you see where I'm going with this?
So telling me to NOT read it, is like Michealangelo telling the people to NOT gawp at the Pieta, which to me is an incredible piece or work.

...

Forgive me Fëanor, you know my abilities as a wordsmith pale in comparison to you...

Originally posted by Fëanor I'm reminded of a sophomoric attempt at a blatant redemption for guilt without guile. Your words to express your thoughts and feelings feels trite and heavy handed, touched with insincerity that my brain rides in a tumultuous conundrum. Express yourself without expressing yourself with excess.

Originally posted by XvampbenjiiX666 thank you Lara and Scythe...umm i'm slow in the summer and i have no clue at what the Hell that guy was trying to tell me

He says your poem reminds him of a “youthful” (and I stretch that word) try at relieving some guilt ignorantly, or foolishly. Your attempt to express your emotions sounds corny and awkward, with hints of exaggeration (unless you know the term artificiality, from which the latter would be of better use), that my mind spins in trying to understand this chaotic story. Tell your story, but tell your story humbly.

Originally posted by Fëanor Then what would be the point of one submitting a prosaic verbal tirade if one is not wanting one's opinion whether it's for or against? If you expose yourself to the world in whatever way, then it is quite often that one must endure ridicule or accolades. And it doesn't matter if said submitter of verse wanted or required an opinion of one's work, it is there for those to opine an opinion. The saying goes: One does not become better when one only hears what they want to hear and if all they hear are: great job! awesome work! dude...you are by far...da bomb! Do you see where I'm going with this? So telling me to NOT read it, is like Michelangelo telling the people to NOT gawp at the Pieta, which to me is an incredible piece or work.

Originally posted by XvampbenjiiX666 ...

He’s asking why is it you submit your poems in the public. Any form of sharing opens itself up to the possibility of getting an opinion you don’t actually accept. But hence the bitter sweetness of the whole scenario. Some opinions are harsh so that you can get better. Because if every time you did something, right or wrong, well or terribly, and you got nothing but praise, you’d never become anything more. So in telling Fëanor to not read your poems is like Michelangelo telling the people not to look at the Pieta, which I agree with Fëanor, is an incredible piece of work.

To speak honestly I somewhat agree with Fëanor both about the criticism and in the defense. Don’t post anything if your not willing to hear the worst. Post for the worst, rejoice for everything better.

..i never said i didn't want criticism...

there is critisim and there is constructive critisim and I have to say that Feanor's post was not the latter!

if your going to critic work, be objective about it. dont just say you dont like it, say WHY you dont like it.

anyways art and literature is all about the "reaction" not the "opinion" what ever that reation may be, it is there, its free and its begging to be tapped wether is be shock, disgust, amazement or other wise.

I've never seen the Pieta.

...i wonder if anyone else has to deal with this

what do you mean?

Originally posted by XvampbenjiiX666
go burn in Hell

Wouldn't that be the place you want to go anyways? Shouldn't you, as satanist, rather say, go be happy in heaven, or something?

Originally posted by Lara
Bardy, play nice!!!!! What? I just said I thought what Feanor said was funny.Originally posted by Lara
yeah but there is no excuse for being an arse! Technically I am sure there are loads of pretty good excuses for that.




Oh, and I also find the Pieta quite good.

Originally posted by Lara
what do you mean? ...i'm not quite sure

Originally posted by Bardock42
Wouldn't that be the place you want to go anyways? Shouldn't you, as satanist, rather say, go be happy in heaven, or something?

What? I just said I thought what Feanor said was funny. Technically I am sure there are loads of pretty good excuses for that.




Oh, and I also find the Pieta quite good.

the whole heaven and Hell thing...no i would still tell you to burn in Hell

Originally posted by XvampbenjiiX666
the whole heaven and Hell thing...no i would still tell you to burn in Hell

Why do you say "would", you already did afterall.

Originally posted by Lara
I've never seen the Pieta.


Viola, the Pieta
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/8/8a/Michelangelo's_Pieta_5450_cropncleaned.jpg

sorry it wouldn't let me make it a link bag

Originally posted by Bardock42
Why do you say "would", you already did afterall. blah...

I prefer Rodin's work the gates of hell are amazing, I can believe he made those things out of cast bronze and they are over 10 foot high in stature!!!

...im not into art unless i done it