my new poems

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XvampbenjiiX666
i wonder if you still love me even though you have no memory of me
when we woke one morning, you didn't remember, and it hurt so badly
i know you most feel pain, but not from the memory loss but from cancer
and i know that me yelling at you isn't the answer
everything i want you to know is written in this letter
i hope then when your done reading it i'll feel better
i cheated on you not once not twice but three times
i've been convicted on several different crimes
i lied to you about my drinking and drank with friends
i also lied when i didn't cut anymore but i did on weekends
i was at the hospital when i said i went down south
because my foster parents called you a liar and a whore so i hit both of them in the mouth
i was always doing the same jackass shit i always loved to do
and sometimes i never got to say i love you
but now if i do i know you wouldn't matter
and knowing what i didn was wrong my heart has been shattered
i'm sorry for everything i did and i wish you could forgive me
if not i understand, i'll leave and let you be
but know this i still love you
and i hope you still love me to

this was kinda a true storry....something i'm not proud of

SelphieT
Very interesting.

Nothing hurts more than being forgotten. I know the feeling.

XvampbenjiiX666
it does hurt

~Forever*Alone~
do you really regret the things you do? are you really sorry? i cant imagine that if you dont stop doing them, you man.

XvampbenjiiX666
i do regret everything i did to her....it hurts too much...i stopped that stuff awhile ago but it still bothers me

TheMercurial
Originally posted by XvampbenjiiX666
i wonder if you still love me even though you have no memory of me
when we woke one morning, you didn't remember, and it hurt so badly
i know you most feel pain, but not from the memory loss but from cancer
and i know that me yelling at you isn't the answer
everything i want you to know is written in this letter
i hope then when your done reading it i'll feel better
i cheated on you not once not twice but three times
i've been convicted on several different crimes
i lied to you about my drinking and drank with friends
i also lied when i didn't cut anymore but i did on weekends
i was at the hospital when i said i went down south
because my foster parents called you a liar and a whore so i hit both of them in the mouth
i was always doing the same jackass shit i always loved to do
and sometimes i never got to say i love you
but now if i do i know you wouldn't matter
and knowing what i didn was wrong my heart has been shattered
i'm sorry for everything i did and i wish you could forgive me
if not i understand, i'll leave and let you be
but know this i still love you
and i hope you still love me to

this was kinda a true storry....something i'm not proud of


This clearly means a lot to you, and there's a lot of powerful emotion here. I like it. My only real critism would be that you seem to be trying to hard to make your lines rhyme, which makes some of them run on a lot longer than others. It kind of upsets the rhythm of the poem.
That said, your message comes across clearly and you seem to have a pretty strong instinct for what you want to say.

XvampbenjiiX666
torture thy all!

Alone she lies
in her candlelit tomb
casting her spells
on mankind.

Her soul, so dark
by evil empowered
The angel of death
fears her.

Her lips, so sweat
Her eyes full of darkness
Her beauty is morbid
and cruel.

A queen of death
evil and darkness
Dominative,
the true nemesis.

Take a look in her eye
then thou will die
Without mercy she tortures
and kills

But she suffers inside
from burning desire
Unable to fulfill her
own lust

For her lust is so strong
Her body is crumbling
So sick is her body
and mind

But allthough she crumbles
in sickly desires
her powers thee never
will bind.

For the true queen of evil
Will never be broken
She shall rise up and torture thy all!

SelphieT
Cool, nice imagery you used there. Keep it up.

XvampbenjiiX666
thanx you...i dont kno if i can do it again..it was hard

SelphieT
Well, you can hopefully only improve if you keep up at it.

You don't have to take this advice, but this is what I personally do when I write poetry. I have a notebook, and I just write down things that come to my mind, each on a seperate page. If I have more creative juices flowing for one verse or more, then I work at it. But if I don't, then I just flip the page, and start on something new. Maybe finish that other one a different day. happy

Just keep writing! thumb up

XvampbenjiiX666
i'll do that...sounds good

XvampbenjiiX666
i'm working on something called the crimson...aother song title

DangerousBeauty
Originally posted by XvampbenjiiX666
torture thy all!

Alone she lies
in her candlelit tomb
casting her spells
on mankind.

Her soul, so dark
by evil empowered
The angel of death
fears her.

Her lips, so sweat
Her eyes full of darkness
Her beauty is morbid
and cruel.

A queen of death
evil and darkness
Dominative,
the true nemesis.

Take a look in her eye
then thou will die
Without mercy she tortures
and kills

But she suffers inside
from burning desire
Unable to fulfill her
own lust

For her lust is so strong
Her body is crumbling
So sick is her body
and mind

But allthough she crumbles
in sickly desires
her powers thee never
will bind.

For the true queen of evil
Will never be broken
She shall rise up and torture thy all!

I love this! Hun you're so good at writing.

Lara
interesting really. your visualisation is good and again it is some thing that you have to work on to make it some more easily.
your rhythem is slightly odd though, maybe thinking about stanzas themselves as individuals may help you with this rather than thinking of the lines as individual lines as they make up some thing bigger and more profound.

but I really like what you have so far. keep going.

XvampbenjiiX666
thank you *bows*your too much pitt_victory

XvampbenjiiX666
the crimson

the blood, so warm, so crimson, runs down your face
i bend down and lick it all up, not leaving a trace
the taste, so rich, the blood, so thick, runs down my throat
you see the blood run faster and started to choke
i hold your neck and slit it, making a frsh river of blood
i'm drove to insanity, drinking all of it, my mouth starts to flood
your body goes limp, and i toss it away not knowing what to think
i look back at the mess, and started to crave for another drink
the blood, so warm, so crimson, is splattered everywhere
i run my fingers threw it, likcked it up, and looked at you without a care
the taste so rich, the blood, so thick, has done this to me
i walk out so i wont hurt again whispering "do you still love me?"


December's moon

the moon, full and red, hangs in the December night
filling your children to the brim with fright
the demons howl, and the crzies laugh with pain
the murderers come out to find the nex victim to slain
the dead burst threw their coffins, to creak and moan
the babbies and little children hear it, and shiver to the bone
the holy leave and the unholy rise from the ground
they kill anyone and everyone, terrorizing the town
the vampires drain the people, leaving them shriveled and dry
the werewolves tear apart their victim's leaving them to die
but sadly for them it all ends so quickly, so soon
they'll be back, to hunt under the December moon

XvampbenjiiX666
i was stuck with these two...i had to make them short

XvampbenjiiX666
dream come true

in my time of pain and sorrow, i wanted a dream to come true
to find someone who's pure at heart, that someone was you
before i found you, my life was a mess, the wrongs made me out of control
i was always depressed, hurting myself, drinking, proving that i had no soul
waiting, always to see if you would come, my personal wish
my special someone, to have and to hold, to love and to kiss
now i can't wait to wake from a long, restless night of sleep
just so i can talk to the person whom shown me feelings so deep
your eyes are deep with emotions, that are clear as the sky
your smile, so beautiful, is something that hides no lies
my heart goes crazy when i hear your harmonous voice
i asked Satan for someone to love, he gave me his best choice
no one can stand between us, no ex, no one new
i say this because i love you and you know its true
i dream of you every night, and think of you everyday
i lose myself in your voice and mezmeric sway
i can't put my love for you in anymore words
its something you'll see (and love) afterwards

Kiki...this is for you my love omg_so_sexy

DangerousBeauty
awww I love it!

XvampbenjiiX666
thank you my love...now would anybody else? <.<....>.>...O.O

DangerousBeauty
o.o

XvampbenjiiX666
exactly my point

SelphieT
Originally posted by XvampbenjiiX666
in my time of pain and sorrow, i wanted a dream to come true
to find someone who's pure at heart, that someone was you


I really liked this line. Very cute happy

XvampbenjiiX666
hehe thank you buddy

XvampbenjiiX666
do you really care?


as i lie here with blood pouring out of fresh wounds
i now realise that my time here on earth is to end soon
theres no pain from the cut, just the memory of you
also, the thought of my death being your fault hurts too

i wish i was back in a time of no pain
a time where your love wasn't in vain
when we were happy to spend time together
a time where you said you'd love me forever

my vision slowly burns to black and grey
there was never a thought of how this could end another way
i wish i could warn the next guy of your slow poison to the heart
so when you leave he won't go the same way i'm about to depart

the visions of marriage pass my tear filled eyes
now i'll have another place where family and friends will cry
a painful sight of me caused by your beauty and your might
a lonely house with silence throughout the whole night

tears run down to mix with my blood across the floor
i close my eyes for im getting tired and they're getting sore
through my clenched eyes tears of you still run free
i just wish to know why you did this to me

my time is near i can hear it call to me like the way you used to
i can care less now if this act of mine will actually hurt you
i just could care less of your worhtless, self-sacrificng life
and i can care a lot less that you used to call yourself my wife

i see the end of my rope, my time has come to an end
these are my last memories to you i send
don't come visit me when im buried like you care
because why now would you want to be there?

this is it, im gone from this place of Hell
i can hear the slow rthym of the death-knell
looks like you had the last laugh, like you said you always do
just remember, the blood and tears on the floor are just for you.

~this poem was just something i decided to wirte...please don't worry..Justin aka Benjii~

Lara
WoW!!!!!!!!

really some thing. I love this one eek! (I dont often say that!!)

great the rythem is better too. but then again I can kinda relate to the topic, so I'm a little bias big grin brilliant, keep it coming.

XvampbenjiiX666
thank you....i'm working on 2 different ones right now

FŽanor
Originally posted by XvampbenjiiX666
i wonder if you still love me even though you have no memory of me
when we woke one morning, you didn't remember, and it hurt so badly
i know you most feel pain, but not from the memory loss but from cancer
and i know that me yelling at you isn't the answer
everything i want you to know is written in this letter
i hope then when your done reading it i'll feel better
i cheated on you not once not twice but three times
i've been convicted on several different crimes
i lied to you about my drinking and drank with friends
i also lied when i didn't cut anymore but i did on weekends
i was at the hospital when i said i went down south
because my foster parents called you a liar and a whore so i hit both of them in the mouth
i was always doing the same jackass shit i always loved to do
and sometimes i never got to say i love you
but now if i do i know you wouldn't matter
and knowing what i didn was wrong my heart has been shattered
i'm sorry for everything i did and i wish you could forgive me
if not i understand, i'll leave and let you be
but know this i still love you
and i hope you still love me to

this was kinda a true storry....something i'm not proud of I'm reminded of a sophomoric attempt at a blatant redemption for guilt without guile. Your words to express your thoughts and feelings feels trite and heavy handed, touched with insincerity that my brain rides in a tumultuous conundrum. Express yourself without expressing yourself with excess.

Lara
if you dont like it dont read!


XvampbenjiiX666, Pay no attention, hes just being pretentious. I really like your stuff. some ppl just dont kow how to appreciate it.

Scythe
These are well made.

Lara
yes

XvampbenjiiX666
thank you Lara and Scythe...umm i'm slow in the summer and i have no clue at what the Hell that guy was trying to tell me

Bardock42

XvampbenjiiX666
Originally posted by Bardock42
Best thing said in this thread...possibly this forum. go burn in Hell

Lara
Bardy, play nice!!!!!

XvampbenjiiX666
its ok..he has his opinions....

Lara
ermyeah but there is no excuse for being an arse!

XvampbenjiiX666
..nobody does...

FŽanor
Originally posted by Lara
if you dont like it dont read!


XvampbenjiiX666, Pay no attention, hes just being pretentious. I really like your stuff. some ppl just dont kow how to appreciate it. Then what would be the point of one submitting a prosaic verbal tirade if one is not wanting one's opinion whether it's for or against? If you expose yourself to the world in whatever way, then it is quite often that one must endure ridicule or accolades. And it doesn't matter if said submitter of verse wanted or required an opinion of one's work, it is there for those to opine an opinion. The saying goes: One does not become better when one only hears what they want to hear and if all they hear are: great job! awesome work! dude...you are by far...da bomb!
Do you see where I'm going with this?
So telling me to NOT read it, is like Michealangelo telling the people to NOT gawp at the Pieta, which to me is an incredible piece or work.

XvampbenjiiX666
...

King of Blades

XvampbenjiiX666
..i never said i didn't want criticism...

Lara
there is critisim and there is constructive critisim and I have to say that Feanor's post was not the latter!

if your going to critic work, be objective about it. dont just say you dont like it, say WHY you dont like it.

anyways art and literature is all about the "reaction" not the "opinion" what ever that reation may be, it is there, its free and its begging to be tapped wether is be shock, disgust, amazement or other wise.

I've never seen the Pieta. no expression

XvampbenjiiX666
...i wonder if anyone else has to deal with this

Lara
what do you mean? confused

Bardock42
Originally posted by XvampbenjiiX666
go burn in Hell

Wouldn't that be the place you want to go anyways? Shouldn't you, as satanist, rather say, go be happy in heaven, or something?

Originally posted by Lara
Bardy, play nice!!!!! What? I just said I thought what Feanor said was funny.Originally posted by Lara
ermyeah but there is no excuse for being an arse! Technically I am sure there are loads of pretty good excuses for that.




Oh, and I also find the Pieta quite good.

XvampbenjiiX666
Originally posted by Lara
what do you mean? confused ...i'm not quite sure

XvampbenjiiX666
Originally posted by Bardock42
Wouldn't that be the place you want to go anyways? Shouldn't you, as satanist, rather say, go be happy in heaven, or something?

What? I just said I thought what Feanor said was funny. Technically I am sure there are loads of pretty good excuses for that.




Oh, and I also find the Pieta quite good.

the whole heaven and Hell thing...no i would still tell you to burn in Hell

Bardock42
Originally posted by XvampbenjiiX666
the whole heaven and Hell thing...no i would still tell you to burn in Hell

Why do you say "would", you already did afterall.

King of Blades
Originally posted by Lara
I've never seen the Pieta. no expression


Viola, the Pieta
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/8/8a/Michelangelo's_Pieta_5450_cropncleaned.jpg

sorry it wouldn't let me make it a link bag

XvampbenjiiX666
Originally posted by Bardock42
Why do you say "would", you already did afterall. blah...

Lara
I prefer Rodin's work stick out tongue the gates of hell are amazing, I can believe he made those things out of cast bronze and they are over 10 foot high in stature!!! eek!

XvampbenjiiX666
...im not into art unless i done it

King of Blades
Originally posted by XvampbenjiiX666
...im not into art unless i done it

Well that's rather ignorant erm

XvampbenjiiX666
...actually i like work done by goya, bosch and brueghel

King of Blades
Goya is rather plain for me, but I admire the simplicity of his works.

I like Bosch for his story telling ability in his panel works of art.

As for Brueghel, he has some really "big" pictures. His "Peasant Wedding" was in my high school history book. His art is good.

XvampbenjiiX666
...alot of the work though was incredible, by all of them....

XvampbenjiiX666
i'll have a new poem posted later today...its a love poem so its not gonna be as good. sorry

XvampbenjiiX666
Kelsey's Poem

Every time we talk, a certain question pops into my head
i want to ask the question, but i think i'll wrie a poem instead

as i lay here listening to your voice, i can't help but to smile
i can always feel you next to me, even when we're seperated by many miles

your the only person i love with all my heart and the only i would die for
when you say 'i love you' my heart wants to rip out my chest and yell 'more'

your love is the cure that healed my darkened heart and hated soul
your heart saved me from falling into suicide's enternal black hole

so, will you take my hand and hold it with your enternal love
hold it after i'm sent to Hell and you sent to the starry above

here by my side, always within love's reach, will you forver stay
Kelsy, will you marry me and love me until your dying day?


(like i said, its a love poem and those things aren't easy for me)

chillmeistergen
Originally posted by XvampbenjiiX666
...im not into art unless i done it

Haha, well doesn't that just speak volumes?

XvampbenjiiX666
..seriously, don't you think you harrassed me enough?

DangerousBeauty
aww hun *hugs*

chillmeistergen
Originally posted by XvampbenjiiX666
..seriously, don't you think you harrassed me enough?

I haven't harassed you at all. Your posts in your satanism thread led me to reading your poetry, if you can call it that.

XvampbenjiiX666
Originally posted by chillmeistergen
I haven't harassed you at all. Your posts in your satanism thread led me to reading your poetry, if you can call it that. seriously...leave me alone...talk shit about me in the religion forum but on here either read the work and say you liked it or critize it...

chillmeistergen
OK, your work lacks imagination, the stanza structure's poor, the rhyme structure's worse. There's no pattern or beat to any of it, but a rambling drawl in which you desperately try to find words that rhyme with each other. To say it's elementary in standard would be a compliment.

Lara
that was harsh blink

Bardock42
Originally posted by Lara
that was harsh blink

He was asking for constructive criticism, wasn't he?

I forward chill's notion, btw, to improve your poetry first I would work on my rhyme structure (for one, not everything needs to rhyme). A fluent flow (hehe) and the right words are more important than having every line rhyme. Once you have worked on that we could go on to more fundamental skills.

I'm not trying to be a dick....well....yes I am, but if you listen to me you'd still get better (though, I doubt you are going to be a Keats anytime soon. Poetry can certainly express ones feelings, and why not do it in a more graceful manner?).

In specific you could look at these two parts:

"i was at the hospital when i said i went down south
because my foster parents called you a liar and a whore so i hit both of them in the mouth"

The second line just drags on and it is horrible to read as well as pretty annoying imagery.

The other is from your newest one:

"you told me he raped you then continues to try
the first thing the comes out of my mouth is that hes going to die"

Do you feel how there is a bump when reading it? What you could maybe try to do is imagine whether something you wrote would be easily singable.

Well, I am not a poet really, not even particularly good, if I was you I'd rather listen to someone like chill or Feanor (even though they are dicks, like me), but I think you'd at least improve some if you try that first.

XvampbenjiiX666
...thanks for the advice but no...i do my work on my own.

Bardock42
Originally posted by XvampbenjiiX666
...thanks for the advice but no...i do my work on my own.

Fair dos, I guess.

Lara
Originally posted by chillmeistergen
OK, your work lacks imagination, the stanza structure's poor, the rhyme structure's worse. There's no pattern or beat to any of it, but a rambling drawl in which you desperately try to find words that rhyme with each other. To say it's elementary in standard would be a compliment.

/\ this is not being constructive like I have said before. This is being a jerk for the sake of being a jerk!
You dont have to be an arsehole just because to you like some thing/someone



Originally posted by Bardock42
He was asking for constructive criticism, wasn't he?

I forward chill's notion, btw, to improve your poetry first I would work on my rhyme structure (for one, not everything needs to rhyme). A fluent flow (hehe) and the right words are more important than having every line rhyme. Once you have worked on that we could go on to more fundamental skills.

I'm not trying to be a dick....well....yes I am, but if you listen to me you'd still get better (though, I doubt you are going to be a Keats anytime soon. Poetry can certainly express ones feelings, and why not do it in a more graceful manner?).

In specific you could look at these two parts:

"i was at the hospital when i said i went down south
because my foster parents called you a liar and a whore so i hit both of them in the mouth"

The second line just drags on and it is horrible to read as well as pretty annoying imagery.

The other is from your newest one:

"you told me he raped you then continues to try
the first thing the comes out of my mouth is that hes going to die"

Do you feel how there is a bump when reading it? What you could maybe try to do is imagine whether something you wrote would be easily singable.

Well, I am not a poet really, not even particularly good, if I was you I'd rather listen to someone like chill or Feanor (even though they are dicks, like me), but I think you'd at least improve some if you try that first.

This is CONSTRUCTIVE CRITISIM!!! good points made.

XvampbenjiiX666
...so much drama

Bardock42
Oh, and before all, I'd check whether I spelt all words in my poem correctly.

It shows that I cared.

XvampbenjiiX666
...i can't believe i'm saying this but...thank you

Bardock42
Originally posted by XvampbenjiiX666
...i can't believe i'm saying this but...thank you
You're welcome.

XvampbenjiiX666
...can this just go back to being a poetry thread

DangerousBeauty
love I enjoy your poems and you shouldnt listen to dirt bags like him. Keep up the good work hun. xoxox

XvampbenjiiX666
thank you my love

chillmeistergen
Originally posted by Lara
/\ this is not being constructive like I have said before. This is being a jerk for the sake of being a jerk!
You dont have to be an arsehole just because to you like some thing/someone

I don't think you understand the meaning of 'constructive'. I told him the points he had to work on, that's constructive, I may have done it in a way you didn't like, but that doesn't change anything.

Another tip is to distance yourself from the theme of self pity, it can work well in some poetry, but not in every single poem.
Also, I know you're adverse to reading other poets' work, but you'll learn a lot by reading different styles and forms of poetry.

Lara, when you write critique worth reading, I'll start taking you seriously. Right now, all you're doing is mindlessly feeding an already over-fed ego.

Lara
If you read the thread from the begining you might think a little differently about my "critique" which is also apparent in other threads here too.

as for constructive criticism, your previous posts (unlike the last one) are just confrontational, for some reason Chilli, you like to bate people.
so, just so we can clear this up, here is the definition:

Constructive criticism is a form of communication in which a person tries to correct the behavior of another in a non-authoritarian way, and is generally, a diplomatic approach about what another person is doing socially incorrect. It is 'constructive' as opposed to a command or an insult and is meant as a peaceful and benevolent approach. Participatory learning in pedagogy is based on these principles of constructive criticism.

Constructive criticism is the process of offering valid and well-reasoned opinions about the work of others with the intention of helping the reader or the artist, rather than creating an oppositional attitude. An art critic can also be a champion of a new artistic movement in the face of a hostile public (e.g. John Ruskin), using scholarship and insight to show the value and depth of a new style. Critics might even champion a wholly new art medium; for instance the century-long critical struggle to have photography recognised as a valid art form.

There can be a tension between constructive and useful criticism; for instance, a critic might usefully help an individual artist to recognise what is poor or slapdash in their body of work - but the critic may have to appear harsh and judgemental in order to achieve this.

Criticism: An evaluation, both good and bad, based on prior knowledge.

XvampbenjiiX666: my apologies for this.

chillmeistergen
The lad asked me to criticise his work, the word 'constructive' was never even mentioned by him. Anyway, I'd say that my critique is constructive, so long as it is pointing out a problem that can be fixed - I don't see a problem.

As for your critique - I haven't seen you say anything noteworthy in this thread, or any other poetry thread, you don't seem to actually know very much about poetry.

Lara
Bating.

chillmeistergen
Nah, bating is something I never really do, I'm giving my honest opinion. If you said bashing then I may see your point, sort of.

Lara
Bating. no expression saying some thing in the hope of a respective outburst, you are looking for a reaction and strangely enough you've been doing it for quite a while and its managed to rattle my cage! no expression

you know I really think you nees to get laid!

In respect of your previous post:

I save my knowledge for people who appreciate it. you, are not one of those people. and I remeber some time ago Critic having a similar converation with in in Dreaming Warriors thread.

However I must point out that that your efforts didnt draw much attention. Which leads me to believe, that you ridicule others who can write because it obviously doesnt come naturally to you.

Also what you fail to realise is, here alot of the poetry (that is posted by members who wish to share) is writen thoughts and feelings, quite literally undressed, clear, simple expression.

you dont need to use metaphores, and completely maipulate your work into some thing other than it is, for example:


About His Person

Five pounds fifty in change, exactly,
a library card on its date of expiry.

A postcard stamped,
unwritten, but franked,

a pocket size diary slashed with a pencil
from March twenty-fourth to the first of April.

A brace of keys for a mortise lock,
an analogue watch, self winding, stopped.

A final demand
in his own hand,

a rolled up note of explanation
planted there like a spray carnation

but beheaded, in his fist.
A shopping list.

A givaway photgraph stashed in his wallet,
a kepsake banked in the heart of a locket.

no gold or silver,
but crowning one finger

a ring of white unweathered skin.
That was everything.

Simon Armitage


This poem is actually about a murder, the description of his posessions only is the only thing left to percieve his perosnailty.

Here on the forums its a sharing of experiences and a chance to better express them, NOT to dress it up into something else other than what it is.

If you have come here expecting to find talent of the likes of Wordsworth, Shakespeare, Allen Poe and the stated above, Armitage, you'd be very lucky.

I see alot of people here with alot of talent, however, belittling them, disrespecting them and abusing them is cerntainly not the way to go about helping them improve their work.

Like I've said to you before a little mutual respect goes along way, treat other how you wish to be treated in return.

Jedireaper
lol great response Lara. *backs you up*

chillmeistergen
Originally posted by Lara
Bating. no expression saying some thing in the hope of a respective outburst, you are looking for a reaction and strangely enough you've been doing it for quite a while and its managed to rattle my cage! no expression

you know I really think you nees to get laid!

In respect of your previous post:

I save my knowledge for people who appreciate it. you, are not one of those people. and I remeber some time ago Critic having a similar converation with in in Dreaming Warriors thread.

However I must point out that that your efforts didnt draw much attention. Which leads me to believe, that you ridicule others who can write because it obviously doesnt come naturally to you.

Also what you fail to realise is, here alot of the poetry (that is posted by members who wish to share) is writen thoughts and feelings, quite literally undressed, clear, simple expression.

you dont need to use metaphores, and completely maipulate your work into some thing other than it is, for example:


About His Person

Five pounds fifty in change, exactly,
a library card on its date of expiry.

A postcard stamped,
unwritten, but franked,

a pocket size diary slashed with a pencil
from March twenty-fourth to the first of April.

A brace of keys for a mortise lock,
an analogue watch, self winding, stopped.

A final demand
in his own hand,

a rolled up note of explanation
planted there like a spray carnation

but beheaded, in his fist.
A shopping list.

A givaway photgraph stashed in his wallet,
a kepsake banked in the heart of a locket.

no gold or silver,
but crowning one finger

a ring of white unweathered skin.
That was everything.

Simon Armitage


This poem is actually about a murder, the description of his posessions only is the only thing left to percieve his perosnailty.

Here on the forums its a sharing of experiences and a chance to better express them, NOT to dress it up into something else other than what it is.

If you have come here expecting to find talent of the likes of Wordsworth, Shakespeare, Allen Poe and the stated above, Armitage, you'd be very lucky.

I see alot of people here with alot of talent, however, belittling them, disrespecting them and abusing them is cerntainly not the way to go about helping them improve their work.

Like I've said to you before a little mutual respect goes along way, treat other how you wish to be treated in return.

Nah, that's not what I was hoping for at all, I find it quite amusing that you think you know my intentions through reading critique.

I need to get laid? How odd.

Now you suddenly feel the need to post GCSE level poetry, what's the purpose of that? Have you ever read poetry that is neither online, or in an anthology?

I haven't come here expecting any amazing talent, but some of the stuff here is so abysmally poor. They're sometimes hilarious to read, but that's about it.

Anyway, I've given examples on how his poetry could be improved, I still fail to see how that's not constructive. I also did the same in Dreaming Warrior's thread.

Bardock42
It's "bait", you weirdos.

"Bate" has it's own meaning entirely. Stop raping my beautiful, second language.


Also, criticism can be constructive and hostile at the same time.

chillmeistergen
Yeah, I wondered why she was spelling it that way, but thought I may as well not split hairs.

Jedireaper
I see...

Lara
Get laid! YES!! your so anal is astounding! you emit huge amounts of passive-agressivness whilst still being blatantly rude.

Yes you did post some constructive critisim.... after being out-smarted by Critic.

yes GCSE level poetry, having had more time I'd have quite happily found some thing more obscure for you as an example.

I read alot of poetry and literature away from anthologies and the internet.
I dont recall Edgar Allen Poe being in the school curriculum, amoungst others which I cannot recall the names of right this second. I find myself amoungst the few that understand shakespeare without needing an explanation. However Chaucer I find a challenge. I'm not ashamed to admit that.

....considering this conversation, perhaps some one should open a poetry debate/disgussion thread and stop clogging XvampbenjiiX666's thread.

I'm finding this strangely curious, as for some one who first appears quite immature and anarchic, you have a good intellect.Seems a shame that you have to provoke hostilities to bring it out.

Lara
Originally posted by Bardock42
It's "bait", you weirdos.

"Bate" has it's own meaning entirely. Stop raping my beautiful, second language.


Also, criticism can be constructive and hostile at the same time.

I didnt say that it couldnt be I said there was a difference between ridicule and constructive critisim.

and I made a spelling mistake, who doesnt big whoop! roll eyes (sarcastic)

Bardock42
Originally posted by Lara
I didnt say that it couldnt be I said there was a difference between ridicule and constructive critisim.

and I made a spelling mistake, who doesnt big whoop! roll eyes (sarcastic)

You two constantly said "bate"...it was irritating.

And I am just saying that chill's post (hostile as it was), was also constructive (and certainly criticism). Sure, it probably annoyed Vampy, but he could feasibly learn something by listening to it.


Also, criticism can ridicule.

Lara
Oh it was critisim. constructive = comments on the good, the bad and what can be improved with suggestion of could be done to imporve it.

initially the only thing chill commented on was what was bad about it and that was the intro, body and conclusion of it. nothing more nothing less. It was negative feed back. = insult + injury.

any ways I'm bored of this now. Vampy...post some thing else Hun. big grin

Bardock42
Originally posted by Lara
Oh it was critisim. constructive = comments on the good, the bad and what can be improved with suggestion of could be done to imporve it.


initially the only thing chill commented on was what was bad about it and that was the intro, body and conclusion of it. nothing more nothing less. It was negative feed back. = insult + injury.

any ways I'm bored of this now. Vampy...post some thing else Hun. big grin

Frankly, I don't see much good with it. Except that he likes to express himself, which I guess is a fair trait for someone wanting to write poetry.

Chill, though not initially, did comment on what he thought was bad and did gave ideas how to improve it.

This is silly though, I agree, we should drop it (and note that chill as well as I did post constructive criticism).

Lara
I am aware of that. yes

Jedireaper
Guys can you move this to another thread.

Bardock42
Originally posted by Jedireaper
Guys can you move this to another thread.

Way to jump in when it is all over.

XvampbenjiiX666
...i know i might start this up again but, the only thing that annoyed me was the fact that a certain bastard child came in here and quoted something i said in the religion thread, something that should have nothing to do with this...thats what i'm annoyed at...

Bardock42
Originally posted by XvampbenjiiX666
...i know i might start this up again but, the only thing that annoyed me was the fact that a certain bastard child came in here and quoted something i said in the religion thread, something that should have nothing to do with this...thats what i'm annoyed at...

Why should things you say not reflect on you everywhere?

chillmeistergen
Originally posted by XvampbenjiiX666
...i know i might start this up again but, the only thing that annoyed me was the fact that a certain bastard child came in here and quoted something i said in the religion thread, something that should have nothing to do with this...thats what i'm annoyed at...

Well, it was quite relevant to your stance on rape. Although it wasn't in this thread that I quoted it.

Sanctuary
Originally posted by Lara
If you have come here expecting to find talent of the likes of Wordsworth, Shakespeare, Allen Poe and the stated above, Armitage, you'd be very lucky.
Why put Armitage in that list. shock


fox

Lara
in some respects he is considered a great writer, although not by myself. He was purely an example of metaphore and imagery. big grin

how are you my dear?

Sanctuary
Originally posted by Lara
in some respects he is considered a great writer, although not by myself. He was purely an example of metaphore and imagery. big grin

how are you my dear?
I'm not a fan. haermm Had to study him last year and did not enjoy it. o.o I looove Edgar Allan Poe though.

I am great. happy And you?

Lara
yeah not to bad thanks big grin

chillmeistergen
Originally posted by Lara
in some respects he is considered a great writer, although not by myself. He was purely an example of metaphor and imagery. big grin

how are you my dear?

Is he? I've never heard of him being regarded as such.

If you wanted to use a good modern poet, who is also taught at GCSE level - you could have probably found a Heaney poem with great examples of metaphor and imagery within it.

King of Blades
Originally posted by Lara
Constructive criticism is a form of communication in which a person tries to correct the behavior of another in a non-authoritarian way, and is generally, a diplomatic approach about what another person is doing socially incorrect. It is 'constructive' as opposed to a command or an insult and is meant as a peaceful and benevolent approach. Participatory learning in pedagogy is based on these principles of constructive criticism.

Constructive criticism is the process of offering valid and well-reasoned opinions about the work of others with the intention of helping the reader or the artist, rather than creating an oppositional attitude. An art critic can also be a champion of a new artistic movement in the face of a hostile public (e.g. John Ruskin), using scholarship and insight to show the value and depth of a new style. Critics might even champion a wholly new art medium; for instance the century-long critical struggle to have photography recognised as a valid art form.

There can be a tension between constructive and useful criticism; for instance, a critic might usefully help an individual artist to recognise what is poor or slapdash in their body of work - but the critic may have to appear harsh and judgemental in order to achieve this.

Criticism: An evaluation, both good and bad, based on prior knowledge.

I'm not taking sides here. I just think if your going to be arbitrary, be arbitrary...


Originally posted by Bardock42
Way to jump in when it is all over.
And yes I am aware...

XvampbenjiiX666
enough bullshit here...this place is for writing and 'constructive' criticism...

XvampbenjiiX666
Ereshkigal's wrath
the beautiful ereshkigal, satan's pride
often spride her legs far and wide
mortals often used her as a nymphetamine
for she built an anger none has yet to seen
the murder soon to come, she was calm as night
souls in carpathia moaned, knowing what comes with dawn's light

ereshkigal, the blackened heart
is genocide thine greatest art?
asphodel eyes, eve's body, satanic mind
a combination that took aeon's to find

the pain felt through veins, boils like rage
the apocalypse is soon coming for this age
moon blood red, the sky caves in
all beg the pitiful enslaver to forgive their sins
ereshkigal stands on the tower of babel, killing all of the world
all hear her voice over the thunder "bow down to the real lord!"

luciferian fires line the once blue skies
the chaos dimms out the mortal cries
death fouls the air, making ereshkigal smile
no mortal knew of something so vile so evil

deathknells are wrung throughout the land
mortal time runs low on sand
lightning cracks the ground, splitting a whole to damnation
they look to the sky seeking foul salvation
mortals cringe when they hear ereshkigal's laugh
never knowing why they died of her wrath

XvampbenjiiX666
The filth in her womb

the heart once filled with love, now is filled with lust
pink flesh often pale, turned to ashes and dust
Ereshkigal, ruler of the new destroyed world
shown what happened when a hate is unfurled
lust filled her mind, making thy find a dark knight
asking what remaining men "art thou not filled of fright?"
those foolish men whom agreed never again seen the day
for those whom didn't agree , no one can say

the tattered veil, showing signs of filth in her womb
makes Ereshkigal sleep happily in her cracked tomb
the father of the demon ,dead, lied on a deserted throne
rats feeding and nesting in rotting flesh, maggots growing in bone

months go by, the filth grows more and more
mortals fear what may come, straigh to the core
the time draws near, all heard are deathknells
they sit around in a group like cast under spells
a month to go for Babylon's whore, Midian's pride
the foolish sit and wait, the foolish hide
the filth in Ereshkigal's womb shifts with anticipation for the dawning doom
time is up! the filth claws through the stomach, escaping it's mother's womb

it was no Snow White, Ereshkigal's spawn
freeing itself on a bloodred dawn
the eyes likeit's mothers', so filled with lies
a smile that fills the moonlit sky with cries

it was a girl fully grown, whom hungered meat
dragging foolish men to her bone ridden retreat
falling in love with scattered bodies of the dead
laughing, dancing with a mortals disembodied head
happily finding a real love, she takes her mother's hand
and sits next to her throne, becoming queen of the land

Lara
interesting, however I find that in some places it doesnt make much sense where you've tried to use rhyming couplets. I like it though, its very visual.

XvampbenjiiX666
...just demos as of now...but thank you

chillmeistergen
You really ought to stop using words in your poems just to make the rhyme scheme work, it makes for a very horrible read.

Also, I know you're into satanism and darkness and all that, but it doesn't make for very good poetry. Well, it does, just not the way you do it, check out Paradise Lost, or something. All in all, I could have read this in the lyrics from some mediocre death metal band's song.

XvampbenjiiX666
look them up then...tell me if you find them from some mediocre death metal band, piece of shit

Bardock42
Originally posted by XvampbenjiiX666
look them up then...tell me if you find them from some mediocre death metal band, piece of shit He didn't mean that you stole them. He said they are similar in skill and tone.

chillmeistergen
Originally posted by XvampbenjiiX666
look them up then...tell me if you find them from some mediocre death metal band, piece of shit

Why is it that you have the reading comprehension of a toddler?

ScarletSpeed
I must admit, I do like to read poetry, but I find it a struggle to read this.


I can appreciate it though.

XvampbenjiiX666
Originally posted by chillmeistergen
Why is it that you have the reading comprehension of a toddler?

why is it that you have something against me?

chillmeistergen
Originally posted by XvampbenjiiX666
why is it that you have something against me?

I just think of you as a dull, wannabe satanist whose last brain cell apparently died of loneliness.

Has nothing to do with your poetry, though, that's what I was critiquing, which you misunderstood (somehow).

XvampbenjiiX666
...wannabe satanist huh...thats a first

The Grey Fox
I think you should write about something less dark for a change. Dark imagery only works really well when used more subtly (imo, at least), so perhaps you should write some stuff away from the things you seem to relate yourself to the most.

Also, if you can't find a good word to use that rhymes, just leave it. I think poets who concentrate less on rhyme and more on feeling and atmosphere put out a lot better stuff than poets who think rhyming is the most important thing to focus on.

Apart from that, just read Bardock and chill's posts, they seem to cover most of the vital stuff you should think about.

ScarletSpeed
yeah, angry, bloodsucking, giblet munching,cat sacrificing and necrophilia isn't attractive, despite Satan having told you to do it.

XvampbenjiiX666
...i dont sacrifice cats...no animals...and the one poem im working on is about a wedding...does that work?

Lara
Oooo a wedding! I cant ait to read it big grin I like your stuff.

The Grey Fox
Originally posted by XvampbenjiiX666
...i dont sacrifice cats...no animals...and the one poem im working on is about a wedding...does that work? At least it's a change from your other stuff. Make sure nobody gets killed at the wedding or anything. Remember the point about rhyming too, that should help you.

XvampbenjiiX666
Originally posted by Lara
Oooo a wedding! I cant ait to read it big grin I like your stuff.

thank you

Originally posted by The Grey Fox
At least it's a change from your other stuff. Make sure nobody gets killed at the wedding or anything. Remember the point about rhyming too, that should help you.

no one dies...but there is blood and it is Satanic

chillmeistergen
Hahahahahaha.

The Grey Fox
Originally posted by chillmeistergen
Hahahahahaha. Seconded

XvampbenjiiX666
burn in Hell..both of you assholes

Scythe
Benji, calm down. Mass criticism is experienced by all. They are just noting that your themes seem to repeat themselves. Perhaps a change of scenery/environment/mood/emphasis will do fine. Keep in mind that there are far more ways to write poetry other than rhyming, try to your luck at haikus or songwriting. I understand that your interest lies deep within dark themes, but expanding your horizons and keep an open mind toward anything. Even criticism. Good luck Benji.

Rogue Jedi
Originally posted by XvampbenjiiX666
burn in Hell..both of you assholes crylaugh

XvampbenjiiX666
Originally posted by Scythe
Benji, calm down. Mass criticism is experienced by all. They are just noting that your themes seem to repeat themselves. Perhaps a change of scenery/environment/mood/emphasis will do fine. Keep in mind that there are far more ways to write poetry other than rhyming, try to your luck at haikus or songwriting. I understand that your interest lies deep within dark themes, but expanding your horizons and keep an open mind toward anything. Even criticism. Good luck Benji. thanks...


but you guys act like you never heard of a Satanic hand-fasting ceremony

Lara
Ooo hand fasting! great! really looking forwards to it now.

Bardock42
Originally posted by XvampbenjiiX666
thanks...


but you guys act like you never heard of a Satanic hand-fasting ceremony

Wannabe Satanic you mean.

Lara
you just dont know when to stop do you.

Bardock42
Originally posted by Lara
you just dont know when to stop do you. I do. Not yet.

chillmeistergen
Originally posted by XvampbenjiiX666
thanks...


but you guys act like you never heard of a Satanic hand-fasting ceremony

I've heard of handfasting, yes - never of a satanic version, though.

Also, you seem to think it's the subject matter that's the problem, when that's only part of it. For the love of God, or Satan or whatever - stop thinking that people are just saying this for no reason; your poetry just isn't good, at all, I've already addressed why loads of times.

Apparently critique does nothing for you, as you still act like a stubborn child, thinking that it's everyone against you rather than your poetry which just actually lacks any substance.

The Grey Fox
Originally posted by XvampbenjiiX666
thanks...


but you guys act like you never heard of a Satanic hand-fasting ceremony Oh Heaven forbid, of course I've heard of a Satanic Hand-Fasting Ceremony! They're all the rage over here, I'll let you know.

Lara
well if you dont like it, you dont like! thats just you.

whether benji wants to change his work or style is down to him, it is his work after all, nothing you can do about that I'm afraid.

yes, you've made your point and you made it very clear.
But if you really dislike benji's work that much why are you still posting in his thread.
Most people, if they dont like some thing, they dont perserve with it. so why are you still posting here?

BTW: this is me being nice for a change so you know, nice is, nice as.

Bardock42
Originally posted by Lara
well if you dont like it, you dont like! thats just you.

whether benji wants to change his work or style is down to him, it is his work after all, nothing you can do about that I'm afraid.

yes, you've made your point and you made it very clear.
But if you really dislike benji's work that much why are you still posting in his thread.
Most people, if they dont like some thing, they dont perserve with it. so why are you still posting here?

BTW: this is me being nice for a change so you know, nice is, nice as. Yeah, but if he doesn't and it's still shit I will say that it's shit. Also make fun of him, if he deludes himself into thinking it's good. If he wants to put it in public he'll have to deal with people with taste commenting on it.

chillmeistergen
Originally posted by Lara
well if you dont like it, you dont like! thats just you.

whether benji wants to change his work or style is down to him, it is his work after all, nothing you can do about that I'm afraid.

yes, you've made your point and you made it very clear.
But if you really dislike benji's work that much why are you still posting in his thread.
Most people, if they dont like some thing, they dont perserve with it. so why are you still posting here?

BTW: this is me being nice for a change so you know, nice is, nice as.

Why on earth should I have to abide by your idea of what I should and shouldn't do?

This is a poetry forum, critique is to be expected - the fact that it's critique that you don't like, or don't agree with isn't the point. Perhaps one day you'll be able to counter such critique to such a level to make the poster think twice. So far, you haven't countered anything, but have just repeated the same old "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything".

What's your next plan, to quote more GCSE level poetry? Is that the last time you actually studied poetry in any academic sense, or something?

Scythe
Originally posted by XvampbenjiiX666
thanks...


but you guys act like you never heard of a Satanic hand-fasting ceremony Benji, I used to be a satanists, but I stopped, very shortly after, because their beliefs reached my last nerve. I honestly don't think I am intelligent enough to be a respectable Satanist. Most of the religion at least here in the US has been dumbed down to several goth kids in a basement. All the Satanists I know that are taken seriously, are extremely intelligent men and women who put themselves highly and worship the dark lord that man has become, there's more to the religion than the devil and such. With that being said, understand that the mental prowess of a Satanism has to be extremely profound to be taken seriously, keep in consideration that all this work is public and could not possibly gain everyone's approval. Losing your temper will only make things worse. I don't much write much poetry, but the little that I do, I keep it in my songbook along with my sketches, public work is different then work in a book or somewhere else that's private.

XvampbenjiiX666
thanks...i know where your coming from...most Satanist around here are those little goth kids in basements. alot of them believe in what Anton LaVey said what 'real Satnism' is. and i also know that publc posting of my work is alot more different from keeping them hidden from the world. i know that not everyone is going to like my work and i know i need alot of improvement on it...but i still post it because i love writing no matter what anyone says

Bardock42
As I said before, Anton LaVey makes some excellent points. His version of Satanism is very reasonable and understandable.

And it's good that you like writing, that's certainly a first step into producing great work...but, at least imo, it's a long way. And dark doesn't always mean blood and guts and the devil and fire...

XvampbenjiiX666
thats what i write...i have some that has nothing to do with that...i wrote one for my aunt who passed away in january...i have some love ones...some where they didnt make any sense but still wrote it...i just write like that...and LaVey was a fake...if you want true Satanism, look up the cathedral of the black goat

Bardock42
Originally posted by XvampbenjiiX666
thats what i write...i have some that has nothing to do with that...i wrote one for my aunt who passed away in january...i have some love ones...some where they didnt make any sense but still wrote it...i just write like that...and LaVey was a fake...if you want true Satanism, look up the cathedral of the black goat I don't want true Satanism. Worshipping Satan is silly to me. LaVey's Satanism makes sense on the other hand.

XvampbenjiiX666
hers the poem i wrote for my aunt..to show that i dont just write dark things...*wipes eyes* and yes i am really crying. i still cnt get over the fact that she died

my angel
your my angel, my life, my everything
my reason to believe in anything
it will hurt when your gone but i know you'll be there
i know you'll be the wind blowing threw my hair
you'll watch over me and everyone else here
and watch over us when we shed a tear
you'll make sure we all do the right thing for our lives
and make sure i dont have too many wives, hehe,
please dont worry about us and me
i've changed, i wont hurt myself you see
i just hope i'll see you again some day
my angel, my light for finding the way

The Grey Fox
Originally posted by XvampbenjiiX666
your my angel, my life, my everything *you're

chillmeistergen
Originally posted by XvampbenjiiX666
hers the poem i wrote for my aunt..to show that i dont just write dark things...*wipes eyes* and yes i am really crying. i still cnt get over the fact that she died

my angel
your my angel, my life, my everything
my reason to believe in anything
it will hurt when your gone but i know you'll be there
i know you'll be the wind blowing threw my hair
you'll watch over me and everyone else here
and watch over us when we shed a tear
you'll make sure we all do the right thing for our lives
and make sure i dont have too many wives, hehe,
please dont worry about us and me
i've changed, i wont hurt myself you see
i just hope i'll see you again some day
my angel, my light for finding the way

I'm reluctant to fully critique something that obviously means a lot to you, but at least get the spelling right.

Bardock42
I hope you don't take that the wrong way, but I took the liberty to correct the spelling. It obviously means much to you, so I thought if you show it to someone else, you might like it to have decent spelling.

My Angel

You are my angel, my life, my everything,
My reason to believe in anything.
It will hurt, when you are gone,
But I know you will be there.
I know you'll be the wind blowing through my hair.
You will watch over me, and everyone else here,
And watch over us when we shed a tear.
You will make sure we all do the right thing for our lives,
and make sure I don't have too many wives
(Hehe)
Please don't worry about us and me,
I've changed, I won't hurt myself, you see?
I just hope I'll see you again some day
My angel, my light for finding the way.

Those were just style changes, if you want I could give you some tips how I think you could improve the poem in rhyme and flow as well.

Scythe
Originally posted by XvampbenjiiX666
thanks...i know where your coming from...most Satanist around here are those little goth kids in basements. alot of them believe in what Anton LaVey said what 'real Satnism' is. and i also know that publc posting of my work is alot more different from keeping them hidden from the world. i know that not everyone is going to like my work and i know i need alot of improvement on it...but i still post it because i love writing no matter what anyone says LaVey wrote a good book on Satanism. It was realistic compared to the stuff that The Knights Of Templar would bring about. Satanism runs deep in history. It has been said that Benjamin Franklin was a member of the Hellfire Club, such things are dodged in American schools to possibly glorify good ole Franklin, so you understand why it is so taboo to speak of Satanism. To me it seems like the people who consider themselves Satanic, do it simply because it is out there, and "cool" to do so. So they do a night's worth of Wikipedia homework and go on through life living as perfect examples of fail.

As for you work, share as much of it as you'de like, however try to take the criticism a mass improvement, no matter how harsh it may be.

XvampbenjiiX666
now if they taught us that shit in school, i dont think i would skip...but LaVey's veiws were wrong. i on the other hand am a member of the cathedral of the black goat, founded by Brother Myrmydon...this is theistic Satanism, not Laveyan where everyone just thinks Satanism is worshipping yourself and that the Dark Lord is just an entity...and i only take the criticism like that because some of the came from some people that continually start something no matter where i post

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