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Thought I'd make my own poems, it'd be cool to get some feedback on my creativity.

So this my pilot poem, I wrote it today, but I've had a vague idea of this poem for a year or so.


Working Title

Shining Moon, high at night
The protector when there is no light
I depend on thee
To guide me
And set me free
From fright

For the darkness is prominent
And I am independant
So I have my fears
Of knives and shears
I have no peers
Or acquaintance

I call thee moon, pray you stay
Until the safety of the day
Your light is faint
But you're a saint
Because when you iluminate
I say

I can see where I'm going, and it's all thanks to you.

I'm generally pleased with that, it's not bad for a first attempt anyway. So tell me what y'all think, and I'll be making another in the future.

Yeah, so no one's replied, but oh well, here's another.

"The bastard and the hero"

In a cell, as dark as night
Lays a bastard, full of fright
In an office, platinum white
Lays a hero, in plain sight

The bastard had lost the trial
And to society, all the while
The hero was the judge;
The public's corageous nudge

Had I been there, I would've spoke
Out in question to the folk
That who is the real one, in the smoke
Were we never once awoke?

They would laugh
Behind the staff
Who show the graph
On their behalf

As if it proves
All the grooves
And removes
What improves

An uncomfortable sight
That isn't the night
For the biggest fright
Is the blindness of white



In a cell, as dark as night
Lays a hero, riddled with fright
In an office, platinum white
Lays a bastard, hidden in sight

Again, feedback would be appreciated.

Originally posted by lord xyz
Thought I'd make my own poems, it'd be cool to get some feedback on my creativity.

So this my pilot poem, I wrote it today, but I've had a vague idea of this poem for a year or so.


Working Title

Shining Moon, high at night
The protector when there is no light
I depend on thee
To guide me
And set me free
From fright

For the darkness is prominent
And I am independant
So I have my fears
Of knives and shears
I have no peers
Or acquaintance

I call thee moon, pray you stay
Until the safety of the day
Your light is faint
But you're a saint
Because when you iluminate
I say

I can see where I'm going, and it's all thanks to you.

I'm generally pleased with that, it's not bad for a first attempt anyway. So tell me what y'all think, and I'll be making another in the future.

Honestly....better than most stuff I read on here.

I really, really hated this "For the darkness is prominent
And I am independant". Just horrible rhyming and extremely lame.

But keep it up.

Originally posted by lord xyz
In a cell, as dark as night
Lays a hero, riddled with fright
In an office, platinum white
Lays a bastard, hidden in sight

And that was about the best part of it. Good work all in all, if this is your first time, then your obviously on a good start. Keep on keeping on...

Originally posted by Bardock42
Honestly....better than most stuff I read on here.

I really, really hated this "For the darkness is prominent
And I am independant". Just horrible rhyming and extremely lame.

But keep it up. Thanks, I'll try not to make that mistake again.


Originally posted by King of Blades
And that was about the best part of it. Good work all in all, if this is your first time, then your obviously on a good start. Keep on keeping on... Thanks as well.

It's all good stuff...

But the "Bastard and Hero" one has some kinda cheesy rhymes (removes what improves? What exactly does that mean?)

Originally posted by lord xyz
Your light is faint
But you're a saint
I didn't like these 2 lines.

But the rest was really good.

I'm gonna remaster the first poem some time in the future, with a title and everything. Looks like it needs it.

It's been a while, but oh well. This is a joke poem if anything.

"The races we have"

There's your chinks
your eskimos
and those who think
that girls are hoes

Smelly arabs
smelly pakers
loony toon bombs
and racist crackers

Aussies use Boran
And boomer
Americans use Boran
and bow bender

Krauts are German
and Frogs are French
Icelandic fisherman
are scrobs with stench

Coon, nigga
are US blacks
white trash, wigger
getting their own back

beanbags are also used
so is yick
for hispanics and jews
are you sick

There are many slurs
I love them all
None I prefer
I love them all

This website was very helpful: http://www.rsdb.org/

No, I'm not racist and I don't like racism outside of comedy. Shut the **** up FOTN.

More Michael Richards than Lenny Bruce, I may say.

alternative to say the least.

Originally posted by Bardock42
More Michael Richards than Lenny Bruce, I may say. That's cold, Bardock.

Your title rhymes! You're a natural poet! Cool poems, too. I like the first one the most.

Originally posted by Council#13
Your title rhymes! You're a natural poet! Cool poems, too. I like the first one the most. It does?

Edit: Oh, poetry of "ex why zee". I get it.

"Shining Moon" (First one remastered)

Shining Moon, high at night
The protector when there is no light
I depend on thee
To guide me
And set me free
From fright

My thoughts and feelings are torn and lost
I feel like I can't handle the frost
Or my fears
Of knives and shears
I have no peers
To help me, regardless of cost

The sun is like a guardian
For mammels birds and amphibians
Reptiles and fish
Without a wish
And is a dish
To plantation

But when the sun has dissapeared
No matter how much it is revered
You arrive
So we survive
Are kept alive
Because you volunteered

I call thee moon, pray you stay
Until the safety of the day
To comprehend
How we depend
As a friend
I say

I can see the light and keep my life, and it's all thanks to you.

I'm more pleased of this version.

Feedback, opinions, etc.

Like the last one a lot, Mr. Sociopath........hahahahah...j/k

Your stuff is very enchanting and I like that. I also like using nature, lunar, sun or stars in my writings.

Nice.

Thank you.

What, I finally make a great poem and now no one cares?

Originally posted by lord xyz
What, I finally make a great poem and now no one cares? Don't like it. I think you posted better.

Originally posted by Bardock42
Don't like it. I think you posted better. Guess we like different stuff.

Originally posted by lord xyz
Guess we like different stuff. I guess.

"She said thankyou"

When she cried, I died
When she was wailed, I failed
When she acted, I reacted
For she is who I love

Then pain she felt, I felt
Her tears were my fears
It was now or never
I had to do something?

Would I change what I did? No
Would she change what I did? No
How do I know?
Because she said thankyou.



Bit more alternative than my other stuff.

balls

Originally posted by lord xyz
"She said thankyou"

When she cried, I died
When she was wailed, I failed
When she acted, I reacted
For she is who I love

Then pain she felt, I felt
Her tears were my fears
It was now or never
I had to do something?

Would I change what I did? No
Would she change what I did? No
How do I know?
Because she said thankyou.



Bit more alternative than my other stuff. I actually hated that one except for the last verse.

I really should go back to my classical stuff.