Originally posted by Enyalus
Jeph Loeb's Red Hulk vs. Superman Script
Page 1 - 3 Panels:
Panel 1: Rulk's in his living room drinking hot chocolate and watching Schwarzenegger's Commando.
Panel 2: Rulk stands up and stretches, showing off his manly pectorals and huge biceps, then puts on his sunglasses.
Rulk: "It's time to kick ass and chew bubble gum. And I'm all out of gum.*"
Panel 3: Rulk hops through his roof, because his sheer badassness makes him too cool to use a door.
Page 2 - 4 panels:
Panel 1: Superman's flying over the city, patrolling the area when he notices a big red dude busting through some house.
Supes: "Great Scott! It's the Kool-Aid Man. I'm super-thirsty from flying using my super-speed.**"
Panel 2: Superman touches down feet away from where Rulk lands, but Rulk's not happy to see him.
Supes: "Salutations, Beverage Refreshment Guy! It's too beautiful a day for destroying houses.
Rulk replies: "You smell like rainbows and butterflies. And I hate both. It's time to kick your ass."
Panel 3: Superman looks taken aback.
Supes: "Don't use such language! Children play around these parts!"
Suddenly, Deadpool tears into part of the page.
DP: "Plus it won't get approved by those Comics Code Authority Nazis!"
Rulk: "Also, you put your pants and underwear on in the wrong order, tool!
Panel 4: Red Hulk double-arm uppercuts Superman into the atmosphere unexpectedly. Superman is hurt and his mouth is bleeding. Also, I'm Jeph Loeb. I'm awesome.
Page 3 - 3 panels:
Panel 1: Rulk jumps in the air with his rippling man-thighs powering his amazing aerial skills. As if being suckerpunched by Rulk wasn't enough embarrassment, Rulk can trash talk, Loeb-style baby!
Rulk: I'm gonna make your face so red and bloody it'll look like you're Rihanna who's been tomato-pasta pied in the face by her angry boyfriend! Har har!
Panel 2: Superman throws a punch at Rulk to defend himself, which Rulk skillfully dodges even though he's only jumping and not flying and thus has far less control over his own body than Superman does.
Rulk: I'm the Red Hulk! Physics can go $!#^ itself!
Rulk: I'm a master at war and strategy. Thus, I can predict your movements and evade you!
Panel 2: Supes is surprised by Rulk's awesome agility and aerial prowess. Also, his rippling man-thighs.
Supes: Oh no! He's evaded my strongest blow!
Panel 3: Rulk double-fisted overhead smashes him!! Yea Rulk!
Page 4 - 1 panel:
Panel 1: There's this big-ass crater and smoke. Also, I don't know if the audience understands that Rulk hit Superman really hard. So in the middle of the crater and smoke where Superman is, have Ed or whoever does this write "WHAMMY!!!" in really big, bold letters.
Page 5 - 5 panels:
Panel 1: Okay, I'm not sure if the readers get it yet, so lets pan over to a standard American living room. Somewhere in New York or something. Their TV's on.
Panel 2: ZOOM IN ON THE TV! There's an anchor-person on.
Anchorman: "There's just been a report of a 9.5 earthquake on the Richter scale somewhere in Arizona!"
Panel 3: Cool. I hope our readers see how powerful Rulk is now, by using real life numbers to validate my creations. God, I'm awesome. Okay, now we go back to the crater, Supes is on his hands and knees. And pissed off. Red eyes and all. Red is the color of cool!
Panel 4: Rulk lands, but he's a master of war and strategy so it gives him ninja skills and he doesn't make noise or impact at all!
Panel 5: Rulk is cracking his knuckles, because it makes him even more badass. Meanwhile, Superman is pissed!
Rulk: Had enough dirt, Sugartits?
Supes: We'll see who's had enough, monster!
Page 6 - 2 panels:
Panel 1: There's red ALL over the panel. Superman just unloaded his super-pissed off Heat Vision on Rulk! Woah, it's way powerful. Fill the panel with it to make sure our readers know it was way powerful.
Supes' thought bubble as he's blasting Rulk: "My Heat Vision is hotter than the core of the sun going nova in God's jacuzzi turned up to max while in his backyard in Heaven grilling hotdogs with the Spectre on a humid summer day!! This villain will fall!"
Panel 2: Okay, I think our readers understand how powerful that blast from Superman was. Now we show the smoke clearing, Rulk silhouetted in it, and Superman is shocked. His mouth is open.
Page 7 - 4 panels:
Panel 1: Rulk's eyes are glowing bright yellow. Omg, he's SO badass. I love him. Anyway, he's grinning, too. Because he's really cool. Hey, Joe, do you think Ed can draw him with sunglasses on from this point in the story on? Sunglasses are really cool. Look at The Terminator. Damn, okay...Well anyway, the smoke's cleared. Superman still has his mouth open. Hehehe, hey Joe, do you think I could get away with having Rulk make a homosexual joke at Kal's expense? Hehehe.
Rulk: "Thanks for the recharge, Superdope."
Supes: "Wha-- ??"
Green Lantern, you know. Although God knows we tried to lure Geoff away from DC and got stuck with you instead.] No no wait for it. Best plot twist ever. You'll love it.
Panel 2: Rulk smiles wider, showing his teeth. His muscles are rippling right now. What a manly specimen!
Rulk: "Didn't you know, Power Ranger? While my green and vastly inferior namesake produces energy, particularly gamma...I absorb it! All kinds of energy! You've only made me THAT much stronger! HAHAHAHA!!!
Supes: "Oh no! What have I unknowingly done! He's so strong! But smart, too! He super-tricked me!**"
Panel 3: Rulk proceeds to layeth the smackdown, as the hip kids nowaday say. He pummels Superman into the ground mercilessly.
Supes: "*Ughoof!!*"
Panel 4: There's blood flying everywhere and Rulk is still grinning wide. Also, make Rulk have those blurry punches so readers know that he can punch really fast.
Page 8 - 1 panel:
Panel 1: Wideshot to Supes lying dead in a crater with Rulk standing above him. There's a pole with an American flag off to the side and ...Man, it doesn't matter WHY its there. You think people will notice? Just draw it in. It'll make Rulk more badasser.
Rulk: "I've done it! I've killed the Man of Steel...now he'll be...the man who rusted!"
Page 9 - 2 panels:
Panel 1: Rulk grabs the American flag up, looking really menacing and badass as he does it.
Panel 2: Closeup of Rulk now wearing Superman's tattered cape, with the flagpole now sticking out of Superman's ass. -The end- written in the corner. What an awesome job. What an awesome comic. Rulk is so awesome. Wow. People are going to love him. Do you think we made him edgy and hip enough, Ed?
*Later that evening, Stan Lee reads the script*
Next week! Wolverine attempts to assassinate Jeph Loeb!! Will it work!? Have faith, true believers!
* With full apologies to the complete badassery that is Duke Nukem.
** Channeling my inner Dwayne McDuffie. U r better than loeb
NO Loebforce means Superman punches his head off