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Hello, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Lestov, and today, for our review, we are travelling to a place so horrid, so soul-crushingly abominable, so horrendously wretched, that even Chuck Norris would cringe in disgust. Of course, I am talking about...the mind of Uwe Boll.

For those of you who don't know who Mr. Boll is, he is a director of such great films as Far Cry, BloodRayne, Alone in the Dark, and today's review, House of the Dead. If you care to research, every film I just listed is in IMDB's bottom 100 worst films of all-time. This is because Mr. Boll isn't just some director. He is one of the most notorious individuals to ever be involved in either motion pictures or, most savagely, video games. Boll's MO is to gain the rights to video game adaptations (some even before the game is even released, such as Far Cry), and then adaptations that are so bad they can hardly even be qualified as "films". What's even worse is that Boll used to have a Producers-esque scam going on, since German tax laws used to allow him to to write off any money invested in his movies as tax write-offs.

Oh, yeah, and he's an egomaniacal troll who not only claims he's "the best in the ****ing business", but also challenges his critics (AKA everyone who is not Uwe Boll) to boxing matches


But let's not waste time, let's get started with the review:

Just give me a second folks

Then, despite the fact that 4 zombies are holding him down, Rudy somehow manages to overpower them and him and Allisha escape, throwing a grenade as the exit the house, which, despite being a simple frag grenade, blows up the entire damn house in a big fiery explosion. But it's not over yet, as Callisto is still alive. Callisto gets into a sword fight with Allisha and Rudy (whom is wielding a hatchet). Despite Allisha's so called fencing skills, Callisto hands them their ass before stabbing Allisha in the chest. However, while Callisto's doing that, Rudy decapitates him from behind with the hatchet. But Callisto's not dead yet, as he remotely controls his body to strangle Rudy. However, right before Rudy can be killed, Allisha (despite a stab to the chest) gets up and smashes Callisto's head (apparently by instinct, considering there was nothing in the film that remotely suggested that this would work). It does work, and Callisto is finally killed. Allisha then re-collapses. It cuts back to where we were at the start of the film. Allisha is apparently alive (thus making Rudy a god damn liar) as MIB types come to the island to rescue them and do other shit. And with that this shitty movie ends

It really tells you about a filmmaker when, despite me reading IMDB reviews, watching a whole video review, and having knowledge of Uwe Boll's other pieces of shit, I was still caught off guard by exactly how bad House Of The Dead was. I honestly am furious that I had to waste an hour and a half of my life watching that crap. And just to go that extra mile, not only does everything about the film suck, but Uwe Boll also adds in extremely annoying clips and references to the original game- you know, the one that the movie has nothing to do with whatsoever, the one Uwe Boll is prostituting because he knows if he released the film under the title "Retarded Zombie Rave Massacre", it probably wouldn't get sales. That's just adding insult to injury Mr. Boll. And trust me, I didn't even tell you about the shitty editing, amongst other crap. This isn't a movie worthy enough to wipe my behind with. Please Mr. Boll, stop making movies!! (and by the way, Boll jokingly made a petition that said that if he got 1 million signatures, he would stop making movies. That petition currently has IIRC 400,00 signatures)

See you next time for more bad movie adventures. Adios!

I like you...You can stay.

Originally posted by jaden101
I like you...You can stay.

thanks

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Did a robot bump this decade long old thread? If so mods, do what you must.

No, that's okay! We could use a place to review horrendous movies!!

I have friends over occasionally to watch bad movies.

Most recently we watched Zombeavers. It actually wasn't a bad movie, oddly enough. It was self-aware and great.

Maybe when I have time I can go through some of our greatest (bad) hits.

Alrighty then

This Anna Nichole Smith film was a masterpiece of badness...

Skyscraper (1996)

Cringy bad acting, gratuitous sex scenes, and a shameless ripoff of Die Hard, it's a very fun watch with friends and drinks...

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