My and My friends comic book idea

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comicbookey

comicbookey

comicbookey

Barker
I don't like the title Shadow's Game.

I prefer Shadow's Wall of Text.

comicbookey
wait so im guessing you don't like it? well did you even read it?

Thoren
Nigga you high? crackers

comicbookey
no im not high, im not even old enough to get high, could you guys pleez put real crtiques and bring up intersting points instead of saying random things.

dadudemon
The story is okay. You need to improve your prose, greatly, though. It was difficult to read.

For instance:

"I reach out to turn off my alarm clock. I get out of bed, shower, grab breakfast and head off to school. I sit in my seat and drift back to sleep."


Change that to something like:

"I was startled because my alarm screamed at me to start my morning routine: shower, breakfast, and ride to school. The drudgery of the routine resulted in the same as usual: I ended it by asleep as soon as I got to my desk at school."


Granted, that's not much better but it avoids the clunky or simplistic writing style that you're using. Get ideas on how to descriptive write from William Faulkner. Then contrast that with Ernest Hemingway's ultra-minimalist style. Take a bit from each and then create your own writing style.

In order to be picked up, you must use decent prose. Prose is the way your story is conveyed, written, and flows.


Your story needs a bit of work as it comes off being a combination of several generic anime/manga stories. Granted, you can be inspired by those but try to tweak your story into something a bit more unique.


Also, I recommend reading Gantz to help inject more complicated and adult themes into your "creation" pallet (it is a manga. You can find it on mangareader.net). It has nudity and gore galore...but it has character introspection (and existential philosophy) that can be quite complex, at times: among the most complex I've read.

Barker
Originally posted by comicbookey
wait so im guessing you don't like it? well did you even read it?
This belongs in general fiction.

I skimmed over it but it needs lots of editing. And is it supposed to be a fanfic of something?

Anyway, there's a user named Thoren who loves to edit fiction, I suggest you forward your story to him via PM and ask him to edit it for you.

Again, the username is Thoren, with 1 R.

Thoren
PM me, and I'll kill ya.

dadudemon
Originally posted by Thoren
PM me, and I'll kill ya.

Reported for death threats. I reported you to the FBI, not the mods.

Thoren
Thanks.

comicbookey
im sorry for ruining your lifes with my horrible story i will never do this again

comicbookey
nah im jus jking

comicbookey
thanx...i now feel much better about myself

comicbookey
ohh and barker thaanx for ur comment...and no worries i wont be pming u thoren i value my life

Barker
13

We're just kidding bro, relax. I'm too lazy to read anything longer than a paragraph on KMC, but dadude seems to have you covered.

comicbookey
thanks barker...and if i may are you and thoren the same person?

Ax3l
Originally posted by comicbookey
thanks barker...and if i may are you and thoren the same person? You picked up on that pretty quickly.

Thoren
I'm Hispanic and barker is an native American of the yaki tribe.

comicbookey
Originally posted by Ax3l
You picked up on that pretty quickly.
did i detect a hint of sarcasm?

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