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ok, the idea of posting jokes.. I ripped this off from Mujaffa, but I wana make this into a joke thread
Here's the first one...

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash

Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit

Between 41 and 50, she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.

After 70, they become Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF MAN
Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a d*ck

Post yours!

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

if only you could ask a guy: how's your milk supply? ~lmao~ i know that's not a joke, more a one-liner thing. just taking something the wrong way. ^.~

what are the three hardest years of a blonde's life? 4th grade

Heard the blonde joke before BOP. But I have one...

A blonde was sitting in a rowboat in the middle of a hay field, row around in a circle.

Then a group of other blondes come to the edge of the hay field and scream at the blonde in the rowboat.

The leader says, "You are the blonde who disgraces us all! If we could we would swim out there and kill you!"

Here's another one, this time about Saddam.

*It has been a few days since the bombing that supposedly killed Saddam, and one of his extremist leaders gathers all 48 of Saddam's look-a-likes, who have all undergone extreme facelifts and plastic surgery and look like the dictator in everyway, and begins his speech*

EXTREMIST: We have good news and bad news for doubles! The good news is that Saddam has survived the bombing of Baghdad!

*Saddam's look-a-likes cheer*

EXTREMIST: The bad news is that he lost his arm...

Saddam has just made a reportedly live TV appearance. He said ..........

"To prove I am still alive, Liverpool were a bag o' sh*te on Saturday"

British Government claims that it could have been recorded months ago.

*yawn*

this one's about medical terminology

Artery -- Study of paintings
Bacteria -- Back door of cafeteria
Barium -- What doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel -- Letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarean section -- District in Rome
Cat scan -- Searching for kitty
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
Colic -- Sheep dog
Coma -- A punctuation mark
Congenital -- Friendly
D&C -- Where Washington is
Diarrhea -- Journal of daily events
Dilate -- To live long
Enema -- Not a friend
Fester -- Quicker
Fibula -- A small lie
G.I. Series -- Soldiers' ball game
Grippe -- Suitcase
Hangnail -- Coathook
Impotent -- Distinguished, well known
Intense pain -- Torture in a teepee
Labor pain -- Got hurt at work
Medical staff -- Doctor's cane
Morbid -- Higher offer
Nitrate -- Cheaper than day rate
Node -- Was aware of
Outpatient -- Person who had fainted
Pelvis -- Cousin of Elvis
Post operative -- Letter carrier
Protein -- Favoring young people
Rectum -- It almost killed him
Recovery room -- Place to do upholstery
Rheumatic -- Amorous
Scar -- Rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion -- Hiding anything
Seizure -- Roman emperor
Serology -- Study of knighthood
Tablet -- Small table
Terminal illness -- Sickness at airport
Tibia -- Country in North Africa
Tumor -- An extra pair
Urine -- Opposite of you're out
Varicose -- Located nearby
Vein -- Conceited

you want more
??????????????

hm...more!!!!!!!

A woman's dictionary

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card

(no hard felings????)

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell that by mistake
happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously
but it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.

"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no
answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and
yelled:

"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a voice from far, far away:

"Hello, we're down here..."

I don't get it.

Poor Mech, he just doesn't understand...

Muj, those two were hilarious!!! So was your Corran!

Ronaldo, Luis Figo and Wayne Rooney are standing before God at the
throne of Heaven.

God looks at them and says; "before granting you a place at my side, I
must first ask you what you believe in."

Addressing Ronaldo first he asks, "what do you believe?"

Ronaldo looks God in the eye and states passionately, "I believe
Football to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so
many people from the slums of Rio to the bright lights of Madrid. I have
devoted my life to bring such joy to people who stood on the terraces
supporting their club."

God looks up and offers Ronaldo the seat to his left.

He then turns to Luis Figo , "and you, Luis , what do you believe?"

Figo stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour and passion are
the fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a
living embodiment of these traits."

God, moved by the passion of the speech offers Figo the seat to his
right.
Finally, he turns to Wayne Rooney , "and you, Wayne , what do you
believe?"

"I believe" says Rooney "you're sitting in my seat."

haha

the Heskeylator

May I steal the Rooney one for my next pub visit?

No worries, I stole if from the Everton fan site. You could even replace Rooney with on of the great Villa players at the moment like.....ermmm........oh just use Rooney.

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,"Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bath."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does"

hehehe. good one. k, here is one that is kind of bad but i though it was funny
- did you hear Sadam stared in a gay porn video, it was called "pounding the sheite"
forgive me if i dont know how to spell sheite (a faction of muslims)

http://chumor.vo.llnw.net/adult_cdn/ 01068ABAASQAAAB0DjmnPDR0zHrABW5XkKyncXT6n7I5V3iXsB
mCVq8a7GPMNEn68cKYPq9nDItaH.sfMgAldPQ4XDl1CIAKWHio9yPSlaI8-/pictures/samngremlin.jpg

If every time you passed out from drinking, a gremlin got you, I stick to 4 beers,

why can't i post piccies

60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler. 11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?

Evaluating progress
A keen analyst: Thoroughly confused.

Accepts new job assignments willingly: Never finishes a job.

Active socially: Drinks heavily.

Alert to company developments: An office gossip.

Approaches difficult problems with logic: Finds someone else to do the job.

Average: Not too bright.

Bridge builder: Likes to compromise.

Character above reproach: Still one step ahead of the law.

Charismatic: No interest in any opinion but his own.

Competent: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.

Conscientious and careful: Scared.

Consults with co-workers often: Indecisive, confused, and clueless.

Consults with supervisor often: Very annoying.

Delegates responsibility effectively: Passes the buck well.

Demonstrates qualities of leadership: Has a loud voice.

Displays excellent intuitive judgement: Knows when to disappear.

Displays great dexterity and agility: Dodges and evades superiors well.

Enjoys job: Needs more to do.

Excels in sustaining concentration but avoids confrontations: Ignores everyone.

Excels in the effective application of skills: Makes a good cup of coffee.

Exceptionally well qualified: Has committed no major blunders to date.

Expresses self well: Can string two sentences together.

Gets along extremely well with superiors and subordinates alike: A coward.

Happy: Paid too much.

Hard worker: Usually does it the hard way.

Identifies major management problems: Complains a lot.

Indifferent to instruction: Knows more than superiors.

Internationally know: Likes to go to conferences and trade shows in Las Vegas.

Is well informed: Knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept.

Inspires the cooperation of others: Gets everyone else to do the work.

Is unusually loyal: Wanted by no-one else.

Judgement is usually sound: Lucky.

Keen sense of humor: Knows lots of dirty jokes.

Keeps informed on business issues: Subscribes to Playboy and National Enquirer.

Listens well: Has no ideas of his own.

Maintains a high degree of participation: Comes to work on time.

Maintains professional attitude: A snob.

Meticulous in attention to detail: A nitpicker.

Mover and shaker: Favors steamroller tactics without regard for other opinions.

Not a desk person: Did not go to college.

Of great value to the organization: Turns in work on time.

Use all available resources: Takes office supplies home for personal use.

Quick thinking: Offers plausible excuses for errors.

Requires work-value attitudinal readjustment: Lazy and hard-headed.

Should go far: Please.

Slightly below average: Stupid.

Spends extra hours on the job: Miserable home life.

Stern disciplinarian: A real jerk.

Straightforward: Blunt and insensitive.

Strong adherence to principles: Stubborn.

Tactful in dealing with superiors: Knows when to keep mouth shut.

Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress: Buys drinks for superiors.

Takes pride in work: Conceited.

Unlimited potential: Will stick with us until retirement.

Uses resources well: Delegates everything.

Uses time effectively: Clock watcher.

Very creative: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.

Visionary: Cannot handle paperwork or any project that lasts less than a week.

Well organized: Does too much busywork.

Will go far: Relative of management.

Willing to take calculated risks: Doesn't mind spending someone else's money.

Zealous attitude: Opinionated.

PCMCIA = People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms."

LOL LOL LOL
dunno if these ones hav been done but...

why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
cos thas where vegetables are washed

there were 99 blondes and 1 brunette on the plane. the captain told them if they hit n e turbulence or flip upside down they must hold onto their seats or they will die. sure enough they hit turbulence and the plane flipped. so the brunette said to all of them " i will sacrafice myself to save u all" then all the blondes started clapping.

DEFINITION OF AN IDIOT: someone who thinks that defining the word will make them look smart.

yeah i kno they're lame :O

EN

http://www.mamma.youarelame.com/