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Well, this isn't technically a problem... that I haven't got a job yet is a problem... this is more a situation, but I am worrying more and more about it.

It so happened that last week I received a mail through FriendsReunited (famous UK website that has a database containing every UK school where people can leave their details, sorted by year, on the idea idea you cam use it to check up on old friends... made the makers an absolute fortune, most popular UK website, I think) saying that they are organising a school re-union for my old year that I left seven years ago (on the idea that we were seven years at the school, and now it is sven years on it is time for a re-union)

Now, for those of you who don't know, my old school was a rather high-powered place, over a hundred times over-subscribed for each pupil there (as in for each pupil who gets in there over a hundred are rejected) where everyone was taught by people phD'ed up to the nines with a view to getting the most fabulously fabulous results possible (which they often did, topping the nationwide league table a few times) and moving most of the outgoing students onto high-powered universities (most Oxford and Cambridge) where they then form an Old Boys network that gives you a ton of privileges who then do things like, for example, form this re-union. And play cricket a lot, I think.

Of course, muggins here fell ill and dropped out before he could take advantage of any of that, didn't he?

Anyway, point is, much as I am attracted to the idea to seeing a lot of these people again- it having been seven years and all- I am rather LESS attracted to the prospect of being the least successful person there whilst everyone around me has gone on to become Managing Director of ICI, King of England and a variety of jobs that have made them richer than Bill Gates. And they will ask me what have I been doing, and I will say I have been at home spending most of my time on a Star Wars board. And they will think "Aww, poor guy, 'cos he was ill and everything," and then go on to talk to people that actually exist for them in any real sense.

This is all exaggeration, of course, but the point remains. It is HIGHLY embarrassing to be bottom of the pile no matter if it was my fault or not and I am not sure if I could really take it.

But wait! One mad get out clause remains. The invite specifies that the attendance of partners is encouraged. A-ha! A way to claw back SOME respectability would be to have a girl to go with just to prove I am not Mr. Nerdy useless, 'cos I will lay heavy odds some of those guys have still not gotten near a female.

One problem. No girl.

Well, maybe it doesn;t matter anyway. If none of my friends are going I don't think there is much point me going myself. I ask a couple of my friends who still live locally (including my friend Nigel, the highly-paid Doctor guy who used to need me for his nurse hunts but does them solo now) and asked if they were going. They hadn't heard a thing about it. Of course, now I had told them, of COURSE they wanted to go! They said I should contact everyone else we knew and make sure they went as well.

So... the gig is in September but the deposits have to be in by the end of May. So that gives me a month and a half to find a girl who is willing to, if not actively pretend to be my girlfriend, then to at least give me a veneer of respectability by having turned up with a partner.

Basically, I am going to ask every girl I know. I am handicapped in that I don;t know ANY girls in my own town. The only girls I ever did know around here are those that were in the last two years at my old school (it being boys only until then), and they, of course, are some of the people I am actually trying to impress here.

It doesn't look good. Several girls I am in contact with are willing to do it, but heinously they have gone and decided to be born on the wrong damn continent. So now I am fretting...

BTW, don't tell me not to care what they all think. It won't work, I DO care and that is all there is to it...

Failing all that... Mech, there'll be a ton of wine on table there... get your woman's outfit on...

hmmm... well... thats quite a pickle ush. i dont see why you care really. your an obviously very intelegent guy, and im willing to bet you can talk circles around most of those people, as you tend to do with the people on this board. as for your problem. i have one word.... hookers. nah, im joking. but seriously, having a job isnt all its cracked up to be. it can be quite a pain, and if you can get away with living without a job then i say go for it. and as far as the girl situation goes, the only thing i can think of... is ill fly out there to whereever you live, however, you will be the one to dress like a woman, and you can tell everyone you had a sex change and that i am your hunky new man toy. that way i will have an excuse to smack your ass around like we all know i love to do

Neat... though as far as the talking circles is concerned, I am afraid a lot of them were members of the same debating society as me... they mostly have far more brains than I do in any case.

My mother suggested that I ask Edna. I was in hysterics. I went through in my mind what the mail to her would say.

"Hi, Elle. I know we haven't seen each other in 10 months and that the only times we have communicated in the last eight was to yell at each other and for you to say that you never wanted to see me again, and that you have a whole different life now and a boyfriend you are happy with... but I need someone to pretend to be my girlfriend for me so get your butt down here this September. I know you are too busy too reply so I will assume you have said yes and got you a ticket. BTW, you owe me 37 quid. Oh, er, hope everything is going well."

Anyone else got any bright ideas? Else I might as well just send that, now I think about it...

well the simple solution is to just not go.

Yes, but that would be a failure. Especially as all my friends are going. Basically the gist of it all is that I need to find a girl to go with... or I can't go.

i see... well if its that important to you... maybe you should fly out one of those girls who you mentioned would go with you if it werent for them living on the wrong continent, and take her... or else just get out there and try to meet girls on the street or the library.

Cross-Atlantic tickets are not cheap, sadly. But maybe I can depend on some sort of girl-fidning miracle...

yeah, the library would be good for you, you're an intelectual type, the girls there probably enjoy a guy who can stimulate the mind as you can. that might be your best bet if its really that important to you

Now if that isn't top shelf advice from a horror expert, I don't know what is. Hehehe. Just kidding, BF....


Logically, I cannot possibly help Ush unless I could obtain a reasonable facsimile of a British accent in time.

*Practices "The rain in spain falls mainly on the plain"*

How about borrowing your sister-in-law ?

ohhh, good idea.

What a predicament!

Good thing I don't have to worry about this happening to me for a couple years....

I'm sure you'll find someone by the time the month of May ends. You seem like a great guy...unless it is all just a ruse to lull us into a false sense of security so you can visit our houses one by one and kill us all...

I'm pressed for time myself. Stupid math and literature junk. I still have 80 problems in the math packet (it could be 280 if I'm wrong) and I have to have read to chapter 7 in the "Adventures of Tom Sawyer" and written about all of the discussion questions up to chapter 7 and all by this Tuesday. Stupid literature and math teachers...

They seem to exist solely to make our lives harder, don't they,Captain Rex?

Thank God you have me Ush, problem solved:

Paint your face ghost white, draw some green and blue circles around your eyes, color your hair gold, rent some freaky clothes and parade around the place claiming to be an artist extraordinaire!

Naturally your stuffy rich friends will probably want to buy some of your pieces!

You'll be the talk of the evening!

You have to admit that is a radical solution,Ushgarak, and it just might work.

Not exactly helping your situation but I'm curious - why did you look up these people if you are worried about what to talk about?

Anyway about the girl problem...why a girl? In this modern world why not take a guy (as friends)?

im never going to have to worry about this because i am not planning to attend any reunions of any sort.

That is quite a dilema........

Bringing a guy wouldn't create the sense of self-esteem I need. And I am afraid I am far too jaded, passive and old-fashioned for some of these more radical solutions, appreciated though they are...

im telling ya, get your ass to the library if you want chicks. just spew off some of your intelect and they'll be all ove ryou.

uh I don't know about that, but hey getting out into the world is a start

seriously ,girls in libraries will be all over a mentally stimulating guy like ush.

aren't people supposed to be quiet in a library? How will they know he's mentally simulating?

well you can talk quietly to them. as long as he doenst start yelling and screaming.

I MIGHT try the library... there is a big one in Chelmsford. Headquarters for the county

there you go, prime territory for ush

Not that I am promising anything, mind...

Raz, I look up to these people because they are simply worthy of respect.

good luck....just remember to be a gentleman at all times:-)

You know, I never thought that library thing worked until I broke my arm and worked in my school library. Aside from the fact that I had to get something copied for the girl and the fascinating story of why I had a broken arm ( ), she sat there and talked to me about just stuff. I didn't like her, but it does work...

i swear i saw this exact subject in a movie, ush.
The guy ends up good though...i think.

Was it a wacky American teen/college movie?

I like the idea of Mech dessing up in his woman outfit, take pics too that sort of things always good for a laugh

So what sort of line are you going to use to entice them?

Hey baby wanna dance? - I think this would have the desired affect!

They'll be putty in your hands!

Or possibly a joey-stylee: How YOU doin'? *cheesy grin*

The Viceroy went into a local candy store last Friday to pick up some chocolate for the holiday (I had driven through the tiny parking lot three times earlier in the day and had given up) and he was amazed that once he got inside he was the only guy. The place was wall to wall women buying Easter candy. Thus, another possibility for ya, Ush.

*keeps working on British accent*

I say, old boy, how about a spot of tea ?

Thats a bit too masculine Gunds!

hmm....sort of. I think they were kind of 7 years after college

well there're few sitcoms WITHOUT this subject

Did our man Ush ever get his problem sorted out?

Ush get to work on that Cheesy grin, I think Raz is onto something here.

And Gundy, if you keep up with the British accent you'll set Ush off on his Mary 'bloddy' Poppins routine.

Yikes !

Maybe I should go back to the rain in spain thingy.

You did sound closer to Irish than English too.

Yes, thats it ! I could be Ush's Irish girlfriend. Would that impress them, I wonder ?

and you would go by the name of Maire Ni Bhraonain

Okay. Now what do I wear ? A kilt ?

no that is for the Scots, havent you seen those riverdance girls, so get up on thim tables and dance Maire Ni BhraoGUNDYain

I thought sitcom was pretty much closer to the mark myself, with this situation. It's like the great Producers in the sky decided my job search wasn;t enegaging enough to pull in viewing figures so this appeared out of nowhere.

I am not sure if it is quite right to ask a girl to dance in a library, is it?

All I'm gonna say here is something that goes against my general rule about not being completely shallow.

But, to outweigh the obvious issues you have about you lack of advancement on the career ladder, try and take a complete hottie!

No fat chicks or birds with beards!!!

I entirely understand where you are coming from, C22... it is the same reason I am not asking Lara. She's a lovely girl but if I bring a 17 year old people will make comments...

Last bastard might be one....

*Runs into thread, out of breath and wearing boob tube and hot-pants*

*Pant*.....Sorry...*pant*....I wasn't.....here...*pant*..for you straight away Ush.

Could somebody hold me still while I get these stiletto's on?

If it's too much effort, Mech, old buddy, you could always get Mrs. Moggy to stand in for you...

Oops, that should have ready Lucky, not last......

I was going to say, probably plenty more bastards in the world after me... not with Lara, you understand. Just in general. Um...

*Grins*

Well my previous advise stands.....

C22 is right, turning up with a younger babe could be the boost you need.

by "younger babe" I assume mech meant nice young lady:-)

.....or me dressed as a lady, either way the lads will be jealous as hell!

wow.....that would be a sight......send pics:-)

JULIE! And I thought you were such a nice girl...

The thought of me in hot pants is enough to bring out the animal in anyone.

I am there's an evil side too
The viewing of mech in a dress would be purely morbid curiosity...I should know better

she can be kinki and nice.

uh.....what's kinki?

Best you not know.

If I get away with my girl-finding plan I shall send pics for sure.

Kinky Jules!

Or 'Kules' as I shall now call her.

This DEFINITELY should have happened two years earlier so I could have brought Edna.

poor ush.....(stupidly asks)......WHY do I not want to know what kiny means....can I find it in a dictionary/

Well mine says, "Mental peculiarity", but its safe to say that most people use the term regarding a sexual deviant.

Still wanna be called Kinky Jules?

But both would apply to you Mech.

I ain't denying that.

You couldn't really, well not without smirking.

I never smirk....I'll snigger, but never smirk.

Sometimes I let slip a little "tee hee!", but only when I'm being naughty.

All the time, then...

Well, no luck yet. Zereil is going out with Edna's sister now, though...

well good luck ush, im sure things will work out for ya. should i.......ah what the hell *smcaks ush's ass*

I'm sure he will appreciate that!

oh you want some too? *smacks raz's ass as well*

BackSmacker349, more like..

yep, that number at the end of my name is pretty accurate too.

I'd prefer it if the Gundmeister herself did that

Edna will do me fine...

But Gundy performs spankings with such panache.

Where's the Queue?

they lining for riverdance

ofc you care it is only logical that you care what they think
even if ppl tell you different
if you have a few good female friends, they will do it I think... depends how far you want the actively play thing to go....
besides that I wouldn't mind going solo
but you seem to mind.
and depending from which continent flight's can be doable I am going to glasgow in the summer for 64 euro's there and back again
so that's payable

Slight problem is that Ush's funding is not so fluid, he may not be able to pay for a female to travel.

I ment for the female
she can pay her self

do you belgians have something in common with the scotish

Evidently so.

I know few European girls, none that can actually make it. The ones that I k ow that could IF here live in the US, Canada or New Zealand. They can't afford it.

buy a blow up doll. it wont solve this problem, but hey, might be fun.

Heck, there are a LOT of things I can be doing for fun...

PADME! Get over here. Mortgage your family if you have to.

hm...

*Taps foot impatiently, still wearing womens clothing*

What, am I just the last resort then Ush?

You may even be worse than that.

Yeah yeah yeah.......if you were wearing your beer goggles, you'd do me.

Nah don't do people taller than me.

Ok, I will ask you guys for opinions, as Corran said he thought it was a good idea.

SHOULD I bring Lara if she can make it?

yeah, sure why not.

Yes. Go for it.

Reason not to is that she will only be 17.

Oh. I see your problem. As long as you go as friends, nobody should say anything...then again I don't know these people you want to impress. Hard decision I suppose.

Yes indeed.

Let's hear some more thoughts, folks...

Ush too bad my session in england may not start till the end of this year or the beginning of 2004. I wish I could make it there during the first part of my semester...grr!

GRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!

Ok, I'll take you out to dinner at New Year's instead then.

Any more Lara thoughts?

hm...young girls like to party=universal

Most girls of 17 look and act older anyway Ush, so it won't matter.

Lie about her age, you mean? Hmm...

She's still 16 right now. She will be 17 by then.

She probably looks about 20 already when done up so she'll look 21 by then.

Hmmm... bet she won't be able to make it anyway...

Corran's right Ush, all chicks look older at that age.

And to be quite honest, who cares if she is only 17? The people who'd sneer at the age difference will be the same people wishing their other half was 17 again, I assure you.

I dunno... I didn't bring anyone to the Leaver's Dinner. I am worried people will say I brought a girl that age 7 years too late.

Frankly I am worried what my parents will think, also.

As a rule, I tend to do the complete opposite of what my parents deem acceptable.

Its worked out pretty well so far, oh except my lime-green sofa with bright orange carpets....I stand corrected on that one.

You don't have to live with them though, do you?

True enough, and I thank the heavens every day for it!

Is Lara willing to..... errrrr...... play the role of girlfriend for this do?

I think Ush probably hit the nail on the head when he suggested she'll be too busy, otherwise she probably would.

Just that I'll feel stupid if I rule her out and she COULD have made it, and would have done great.

Where is she anyway, is it me or has she been missing for ages?

She's not gone; she only called me last week.

It's Easter. She normally comes on whilst at college. She'll be back in May, I think.

so have you solved your problem yet?

Errr- no! Got an opinion on the question I asked, Julie?

So mechs out the question now?

See Ush, even Raz thinks I'm the best option so far.

Hmm, Mech or Lara...

take lara if u can, but otherwise try the library and write a not to a girl or something. that's how i got my bf. we hated each other last year, and we just started writing notes this year. about 3 weeks later, he asked me out. we've been together for almost 3 months and its great. get out there and show the girls what they're missing!!!

(sounds scared)

Leave my house?

It's not as frightening as it sounds Ush. I mean you will have to leave the house to go to this reunion anyway. Give Arien's advice a try or ask Lara. Either way my friend you cannot lose.

Isn't the reunion at Ush Mansions then?

Sadly not...

Then Gordon has a point.

It's not so mcuh leaving the house it is entering the normal social life of the world; I am not really up to that. Being driven to a re-union of all my friends and back again is a whole different thing.

but it's OK to go chasing Nurses?

see Ush I should seduce my professor now into sending me to england my first semester!

I have a dress that is sitting here and won't be used this year, but it is gorgeous!

Chasing nurses was with a friend who would introduce me to each. Even so I was terrified.

YES, Padme, you should!

sounds like a plan

see then if I came over to England I could wear this lovely article of colthing, we could post a pic of Ush and I together...now I must really contact professor.

yes you must do so.

GO! PHONE HIM NOW!

Don't shout.

Sorry.

...

PHONE HIM NOW!

hmm, line busy

Ush, get off the phone to Padmes professor

Oh... bottoms...

Ush, are you secretly in cahoots with my professor so you can get me to England sooner?

That would be a cool idea, but I am too lazy.

lol