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I literally can't respond to a negative emotion with anything less than unbridled psychosis, unadulterated, unchecked, manic rage and hostility. That's the first behavior that my brain automatically produces, then if I'm being choked out or beat the shit out of which I have been it goes to complete and total shutdown, it goes to sociopath neurosis...anytime it goes to sociopath neurosis or violence, whichever one I'm funneled into, I go to a place of super-depression and tears pouring out my eyes. Then I aggravate that depression with increasing levels of self-loathing and resentment toward mankind to the point where I develop ulcers. I've been hospitalized because of feeling too sorry for myself. I don't have a choice, that's how my brain operates.

I'm an inch away from suicide, one more attempt at a relationship, even a friendship, with another human being that fails and I will most likely be pushed over the edge.

If I'm alone for too long, I will be pushed over the edge.

You want me to die? It's that or I do something crazy because I'm not able to deal with anything for much longer.

Originally posted by Oneness
I'm an inch away from suicide,
Feels like a mile though.

Originally posted by Oneness
I literally can't respond to a negative emotion with anything less than unbridled psychosis, unadulterated, unchecked, manic rage and hostility. That's the first behavior that my brain automatically produces, then if I'm being choked out or beat the shit out of which I have been it goes to complete and total shutdown, it goes to sociopath neurosis...anytime it goes to sociopath neurosis or violence, whichever one I'm funneled into, I go to a place of super-depression and tears pouring out my eyes. Then I aggravate that depression with increasing levels of self-loathing and resentment toward mankind to the point where I develop ulcers. I've been hospitalized because of feeling too sorry for myself. I don't have a choice, that's how my brain operates.

I'm an inch away from suicide, one more attempt at a relationship, even a friendship, with another human being that fails and I will most likely be pushed over the edge.

If I'm alone for too long, I will be pushed over the edge.

You want me to die? It's that or I do something crazy because I'm not able to deal with anything for much longer.

shut up.

Originally posted by FinalAnswer
shut up. YOU SHut the **** up ****.

Originally posted by Astner
Feels like a mile though. **** your opinion I know I am the bklbmiSz3RI so what the **** do you expect?

This is my hour you little shits.

Astner, I'd report you for expressing your frustration with me taking so long to kill myself, but I'm petrified they won't ban you on the spot. That would suck if they didn't ban you.

Piss-ant moron little shits.

Hope your thanksgivings sucked. :]

ajVoeX4eqIQ

Originally posted by Oneness
I literally can't respond to a negative emotion with anything less than unbridled psychosis, unadulterated, unchecked, manic rage and hostility. That's the first behavior that my brain automatically produces, then if I'm being choked out or beat the shit out of which I have been it goes to complete and total shutdown, it goes to sociopath neurosis...anytime it goes to sociopath neurosis or violence, whichever one I'm funneled into, I go to a place of super-depression and tears pouring out my eyes. Then I aggravate that depression with increasing levels of self-loathing and resentment toward mankind to the point where I develop ulcers. I've been hospitalized because of feeling too sorry for myself. I don't have a choice, that's how my brain operates.

I'm an inch away from suicide, one more attempt at a relationship, even a friendship, with another human being that fails and I will most likely be pushed over the edge.

If I'm alone for too long, I will be pushed over the edge.

You want me to die? It's that or I do something crazy because I'm not able to deal with anything for much longer.





http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/


http://www.oneplace.com/ministries/thru-the-bible-with-j-vernon-mcgee/player/job-11-5-26831.html

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-zqyiFrB7sgE/T_HCbl36sLI/AAAAAAAACbc/bNZlRJ0a724/s1600/cyanide.jpg

You wouldn't understand, Red.

You don't have the Illuminati on you.

Or maybe you're one of them, I believe that you are based one what I understand.

But you also befriended me.

Perhaps that's my naivity.

For all I know you could have been convincing me to stay a menial worker to hold me back.

You could have been taking me out to have alcohol to make me unproductive as an alcoholic.

Originally posted by Oneness
I literally can't respond to a negative emotion with anything less than unbridled psychosis, unadulterated, unchecked, manic rage and hostility. That's the first behavior that my brain automatically produces, then if I'm being choked out or beat the shit out of which I have been it goes to complete and total shutdown, it goes to sociopath neurosis...anytime it goes to sociopath neurosis or violence, whichever one I'm funneled into, I go to a place of super-depression and tears pouring out my eyes. Then I aggravate that depression with increasing levels of self-loathing and resentment toward mankind to the point where I develop ulcers. I've been hospitalized because of feeling too sorry for myself. I don't have a choice, that's how my brain operates.

I'm an inch away from suicide, one more attempt at a relationship, even a friendship, with another human being that fails and I will most likely be pushed over the edge.

If I'm alone for too long, I will be pushed over the edge.

You want me to die? It's that or I do something crazy because I'm not able to deal with anything for much longer.

I think maybe you need to go to a clinic. If you are as debilitated irl as you portray on here that may be the only option, since you said you've seen psychologists before. You should probably not look for a relationship right now, it seems like you have to take care of your own mental health first. The way you feel right now is not going to be how you always feel, and things can and will be better, you just have to work on it. Please look for some help perhaps you can start by calling there: https://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ (like bluewaterrider suggested)

Additionally, if you want to PM me to talk I'd be very willing, I don't know if I can help you but if it's something you want to do I want you to know you can

Picture this, I ace this crunched Trig-Pre-calc 6 cred course, 4-cred French course, 3-cred intro to data processing course on gov-aid - take 17 creds worth of in-class and online courses this summer, ace those, take 48 or less creds next year ace that, get paid a fortune to earn a phd in Computer Science due to Washington University's secret scholarship program by early 2016 - and become more ripped than Doctor Manhattan within 3 months utilizing heavy doses of nicotine, prolonged cardio and random muscle group resistance using the weights in club fitness.

There's nothing money and a hot bod can't cure - then there's whether or not I patent super-software programs that make the world's intelligence agencies' collective capacity look like a joke.

Or I don't patent the tech and become a trillionaire entrepreneur in a corrupt world, but I keep it a secret and have the AI infiltrate and monitor all electronic and physical cash-made transactions for the past 40, and hack into encrypted databases to read the full constitution all for info. And overthrow the Illuminati.

I will go with option B, because I know they're real.

I just think you should probably set yourself more realistic goals. I think you are setting yourself up for failure. Really, you should focus on your mental health right now, you seem to have very strong mood swings. It's good to have realistic goals you can work towards. One step at a time.

Originally posted by Bardock42
I just think you should probably set yourself more realistic goals. I think you are setting yourself up for failure. Really, you should focus on your mental health right now, you seem to have very strong mood swings. It's good to have realistic goals you can work towards. One step at a time. That was a step-by-step methodical process; a goal that can be worked toward.

With government aid I can afford the raw credits at 1400 or so dollars per semester.

They will 24 credits per semester, and Jake Barnett taught himself all of high school math within 3 weeks. PhDs have been earned in 2 years before.

It is possible, just depends on whether I'll choose to spend every hour of every day on work and research for my PhD.

As far as getting ripped, acetylcholine, at least with the amount of nicotine I'm ingesting, speeds the heart incredibly, allowing for more intense cardio and weight training. As for the hormone balance, that is a matter of sleep and consistency in diet. A steady, consistent routine for three months will get me the muscle at a low enough bmi to achieve golden ration proportions in my body-type - maintaining that plateau will be easier than achieving it afterwards.

The goal becomes easier and more within reach the later into it I become.

We're living in an age where much is possible for a youthful prodigy.

I will change humanity forever, either as a trillionaire entrepreneur or as the creator of a new world system, one far better for the earth, and for people.

Any computer science researcher in the next 20 years has that in the cards for his or herself.

The way you described is not step by step, and requires a lot of luck. You are assuming you will make breakthroughs in science (and have the rights to said breakthrough, and it is alone enough start a "trillion dollar company" you can't possibly know that you and only you will make.

I have known you for what...1 year now? Do you think you have made significant process in that time in actually understanding the mathematics necessary to do cryptography at the highest level? I think if you are setting your expectations way, way, way too high.


There is a lot possible for you, but you just said you have been close in contemplating suicide, isn't that something you need to address before changing the world?

Originally posted by Bardock42
There is a lot possible for you, but you just said you have been close in contemplating suicide, isn't that something you need to address before changing the world? Yes it is.

My insecurity makes me behave irrationally.

My insecurity comes from fear.

I think if I remove the fear, in my dreams and in my life, I will not have that chink in my armor.

As for accelerating learning, I don't know what I can do. But even unstable I know I can learn a lot in little time, I know that I everyone in my family has a very high IQ - and that my memory is remarkable.

I realize looking back that very early on I was interested in science - more so than a normal child would have been. Every time I went to a science center or historic site I would be enthralled by everything there. I'd spend hours at these places without getting bored - because I was always looking at things, every other time except for playing I'd want to leave, at restaurant, you name it. When I was a kid I was able to focus on all the science outside school, even when I was five. So I have that desire to learn, now the will, and I just need the focus to apply myself to the fullest.

I've never had that, because I've been distracted by these manic mood swings.

But you're right, after the PhD a lot of my goals aren't methodical, but assumptions on what technologies I might develop unbeknownst to fellow researchers. No real need to set steps in that goal because I either do it or I don't. I would work alone, because one cannot use another's breakthrough for their own ends to patent a technology and reap the recognition all for themselves. But then again, I'm already making 100k a year in this job so sharing the huge profits is not of concern, whether or not I share what I create with anyone is. I might write a program myself, learn if there is some high-level corruption going on, if I don't find it, I will share the profits, if I do find it - laws will be broken for the greater good.

My bro's an aspie, he obsesses about games and movie facts and stuff.


You need some obsessions, at least for your mentality. You don't want to get other disorders as well.

Originally posted by Oneness
Yes it is.

My insecurity makes me behave irrationally.

My insecurity comes from fear.

I think if I remove the fear, in my dreams and in my life, I will not have that chink in my armor.

As for accelerating learning, I don't know what I can do. But even unstable I know I can learn a lot in little time, I know that I everyone in my family has a very high IQ - and that my memory is remarkable.

I realize looking back that very early on I was interested in science - more so than a normal child would have been. Every time I went to a science center or historic site I would be enthralled by everything there. I'd spend hours at these places without getting bored - because I was always looking at things, every other time except for playing I'd want to leave, at restaurant, you name it. When I was a kid I was able to focus on all the science outside school, even when I was five. So I have that desire to learn, now the will, and I just need the focus to apply myself to the fullest.

I've never had that, because I've been distracted by these manic mood swings. It's good if you find something you are interested and good in. And yeah, mood swings can be a huge issue. How are you going to work on it?

Originally posted by Oneness
But you're right, after the PhD a lot of my goals aren't methodical, but assumptions on what technologies I might develop unbeknownst to fellow researchers. No real need to set steps in that goal because I either do it or I don't. I would work alone, because one cannot use another's breakthrough for their own ends to patent a technology and reap the recognition all for themselves. But then again, I'm already making 100k a year in this job so sharing the huge profits is not of concern, whether or not I share what I create with anyone is. I might write a program myself, learn if there is some high-level corruption going on, if I don't find it, I will share the profits, if I do find it - laws will be broken for the greater good.

Have you started learning to program? What languages are you learning?

Originally posted by Bardock42
It's good if you find something you are interested and good in. And yeah, mood swings can be a huge issue. How are you going to work on it?

Best way to work on it is mindset and staying clear of negative people which is difficult in a community college.



Not yet.

I mean my mom works purely html code so I've become proficient in that long before this data processing course.

You should really start learning some programming, it's not that hard to get into, but takes quite a while to become very good at.

Originally posted by Bardock42
You should really start learning some programming, it's not that hard to get into, but takes quite a while to become very good at. You can get a lot out of a day.

Over 10 hours, times by 7, times that by 4, times that by 12, times that 2.

Is that a while?

3,360 hours per year, with two hours free time and two hours to lift because we don't need more than 8 hours of sleep a night.

We're talking about the fact that certain people have very pedantic memories, a filing system that pieces everything together very accurately. Speed and reliability of improving upon learned tasks, adding to the collective the further along you get the quicker you get the knack when you're talking this kind of work - and so the less time you need to improve.

It's a curve. Last summer I A'd 1 course, last semester I A'd 2, now I'll A 3 - then we're talking about an additional 4 credits next in 1 summer, and 24, maximum allowed, for each new semester. That's an associates - but when you get into a tech-schooled university like Washington, especially under a special program designed for prospects, it's far simpler, you move along at a faster rate far more smoothly.

The only thing that will take anytime, if I even need to, is to defend why I should have the PhD in the required texts I must make.

That's 6720 hours, however, you are unlikely to spend all your time on just that are you? They say it takes 10 000 hours to become an expert at something (of course that's by no means an actual rule or anything, but maybe some sort of rule of thumb), but what you want is a level beyond expert, you are looking to become a hacker so good that you surpass what I'm pretty sure are actual physical limitations.

At any rate, what is stopping you from starting right now? You could try this course, it helped me a lot when I first started getting interested in programming myself.

Originally posted by Bardock42
That's 6720 hours, however, you are unlikely to spend all your time on just that are you? They say it takes 10 000 hours to become an expert at something (of course that's by no means an actual rule or anything, but maybe some sort of rule of thumb), but what you want is a level beyond expert, you are looking to become a hacker so good that you surpass what I'm pretty sure are actual physical limitations.

At any rate, what is stopping you from starting right now? You could try this course, it helped me a lot when I first started getting interested in programming myself. Mathematics is a very quick learning process. Once you fathom the concepts, it's pure smooth simplicity, repetitive tasks.

This is why savants like Jake Barnett will teach himself everything taught in the highest levels of high mathematics within months. You see things, you can look ahead, because your brain has repeated this and that so many times, and it has filed it all.

Yes there's a plateau, of course. The only way to know it is to hit it, the only way to transcend it is inspiration and awe. This is just the time it'll take me to become a researcher, I'll have way over 10,000 hours after that point. The brain doesn't stop improving until you reach 25, by that point it's way past 50,000 hours.

Originally posted by Oneness
Mathematics is a very quick learning process. Once you fathom the concepts, it's pure smooth simplicity, repetitive tasks.

This is why savants like Jake Barnett will teach himself everything taught in the highest levels of high mathematics within months. You see things, you can look ahead, because your brain has repeated this and that so many times, and it has filed it all.

Yes there's a plateau, of course. The only way to know it is to hit it, the only way to transcend it is inspiration and awe. This is just the time it'll take me to become a researcher, I'll have way over 10,000 hours after that point. The brain doesn't stop improving until you reach 25, by that point it's way past 50,000 hours.

As a former Mathematics student I have to say I disagree about learning the concepts being quick for most people.

At any rate, just start, I know making plans gives a similar quick to actually accomplishing something (I do that a lot), but if you want to really achieve it you have to sit down and do it.

Originally posted by Oneness
Mathematics is a very quick learning process. Once you fathom the concepts, it's pure smooth simplicity, repetitive tasks.
So you've really not dealt with anything other than high school maths?

Originally posted by Bardock42
As a former Mathematics student I have to say I disagree about learning the concepts being quick for most people.

That part does take the longest.



Right.

Originally posted by Astner
So you've really not dealt with anything other than high school maths? Not until this semester.

And I have to say the concepts do take a little while to sink in.

Trig and pre-calc mixed gives you little time internalize many methodologies, formulas, theorems, etc.

After I see robo-cop I'm going to get on go mode for the rest of this semester.

Trig and Pre-Cal don't really give a good view of what mathematics at a university level is like sadly. I think mathematics really starts when you start to prove things...

Originally posted by Bardock42
Trig and Pre-Cal don't really give a good view of what mathematics at a university level is like sadly. I think mathematics really starts when you start to prove things... We were proving logs within the first 3 weeks.

But its okay if it's better we're apart, for now. If you're alone, I mean if you feel alone, remember this guy keeps getting better, no matter how good he gets you're the only one he'll choose to care for on the most personal level.

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