Let us Pray... (JOKES)
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Ratcat
THE GIRL'S PRAYER
Our men's Cash
Which art on plastic
Hallowed be thy name
Thy Cartier watch
Thy Prada bag
In Harrods
As it is in Selfridges
Give us each day our Platinum Visa
And forgive us our overdraft
As we forgive those who stop our MasterCard
And lead us not into Next
And deliver us from Benetton
For thine is the Cartier, the Dior and the Armani
For Chanel No 5 and Eternity
Amex.
THE BOY'S PRAYER
Our beer
Which art in bottles
Hallowed be thy sport
Thy will be drunk
I will be drunk
At home as it is in the pub
Give us each day our daily beverage
And forgive us our spillage
As we forgive those who spillest against us
And lead us not into wine tasting
And deliver us from Tequila
For mine is the bitter
The chicks and the footy
Forever and ever
Barmen.
mechmoggy
While were on a church related joke subject....
What's the difference between a nun praying and a nun having a bath?
Well the one's got hope in her soul and the other.....
Ratcat
Sick, but damn funny.
You know you'll go to hell for jokes like that!!!
mechmoggy
Just another quickie, not exactly a joke but I've been giggling about this all weekend...
In the pub on Friday night and me and my mates were shteamin'. Between us we decide to think up a porno name for ourselves (you never know your luck my mate said!). Anyway our one mate seemed to know an awful (and to be honest quite frightening) amount about the subject and said we could disregard all our best efforts as they've already been used.
Finally after an hour in a lock-in I come with "Kenny Lingus", can that be topped? I don't think so!
queeq
Good, another religious thread. That's been a while.
queeq
No wait.
Edna witch
Kenny Lingus? I dont get it? Am I just being really naive or something but I really dont get it!
Ratcat
Nah, I'm already going to hell for my sins so I think I'll just give this one a miss.
Gundark
Just smile and nod, Edna.
I have some good catholic jokes at home, I have to dig them up.
Ratcat
Now that's the funniest thing I've heard all day..
Edna witch
Are you laughing at me again?
Ratcat
Yep, you poor, sheltered young lady....
Edna witch
Sheltered? Who says Im sheltered? Just erm ... ok then Im sheltered! There's nothing wrong with being Naive I'll have you know! It has its advatages if you know what I mean!
Ratcat
Well, being Mr. Naive 1986/87 I won't argue with you there.
Edna witch
Mr Naive 86/87?
Ratcat
Yep, that's me... Make of that what you will.
Edna witch
Well my friends have voted me the slowest person in the year so I guess we are as bad as each other!
Edna witch
Well atleast they are truthful! I do have an incredibly slow sense of humour! Im always about a week behind everyone else!
queeq
So far you seem way ahead of most of us.
queeq
Hey, all I do is trying to catch up with you. What time do you want?
queeq
Aha, time for lunch. Bye now.
Ratcat
If only THAT were true.
queeq
Okay, you talked me into it. I'LL STAY!!!!
Ratcat
Damnit, so close to getting rid of him as well!!!
queeq
So tell me again, who was out to get whom again?
Ratcat
Now who's paranoid?
Ushgarak
How you could even consider telling such filthy jokes in front of a lady...
Ushgarak
No, I suppose not... it was a general admonition for the general tone of the discussion, I think.
Ratcat
This is a good day....
Ushgarak
Is it? Ok, I'll go with that.
Ratcat
I would, you know it makes sense.
Ushgarak
Well, you're the Council dude
Ratcat
Just one of the seven matey!
Ushgarak
You appear to be the most common voice of law...
Ratcat
Nah, I just got a big mouth.
Ushgarak
But a big COUNCIL mouth.Pure 100% wisdom.
queeq
Wisdom? So that's what that looks like.
Gundark
Well, Yoda was short....
queeq
Nice correlation there, deary.
Gundark
And just after I apologized to him on another thread for being insulting.....
queeq
Lucky for you you didn't mean it.
Gundark
Poor RC. Actually when I made him into Frankie he was seven feet tall. And no thank you from him, mind you.
queeq
Yes, he's rude. I know.
Ratcat
And Dimmy made me 3 foot talk. She didn't get a thankyou either.
queeq
Not a letter, a thank you trip.
Ratcat
Sorry, my lawyer has advised me not to say any more....
Gundark
I already tried that one. Several times. queeq has ways of....having your lawyer...change his mind.
Ushgarak
He wins him over with his cute fluffiness.
Gundark
My poor master...all cute and fluffy...Hehehe.
Ushgarak
His secret revealed...
queeq
There are many ways that lead to Rome, people. Underestimating me is very unwise.
Ushgarak
Odd thing was, all those roads actually led AWAY from Rome...
Edna witch
I always knew you were a pesimist. I suppose your glass is half empty too!
queeq
It all just depends on your point of view.
Since Rome was the centre of the world in those days, that was the place to be. And since I am the centre of these boards....
Edna witch
Yeah in your dreams maybe!
queeq
These boards ARE my dreams.
Edna witch
Ok I give up! Im obviously not going to win!
Ratcat
Og, don't give up. It's so much more fun to play along.
Ushgarak
Your dream, our nightmare, queeq.
queeq
That goes without saying, Ush.
Ushgarak
No, actually, I thought I was better off saying it.
Ratcat
Don't inflate his ego any more please...
queeq
I have no ego, you just want to make me believe I have one.
Gundark
Oh its so much better in here than in the real world.
Ushgarak
There are less trees for a start. Trees are a symptomn of the real world.
queeq
No trees. But a lot of marshes. Watch out!
Gundark
Okay, all...here is part of the joke I dug up...
a young priest was getting ready to say his first mass and the older priest told him to have a glass of wine to calm him down. After the mass was over, the older priest pointed out to the younger priest:
1. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
2. The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
3. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said "Take this and eat it for it is my body" He did not say "Eat Me".
4. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
5. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
6. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Sorry if I offended any other Catholics..(I think EJ was the only one besides me) or anybody else. Just done in good humor, ya know.
Gundark
I thought you might enjoy that.
Ratcat
Nothing like a good bit of religion banging huh?
Watch him start up now.
queeq
Funny stuff, Guns, funny stuff.
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