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Who's got a really good one?

The following are actual statements found in insurance forms where drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words.

Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother- in-law, and headed over the embankment.
I attempted to kill a fly, and I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been driving for forty years, when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble and my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
An invisible car come out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull.
The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
In indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray dogs.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.

A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed.

Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?"

The other three agreed.

The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients."

The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."

The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."

The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret..."

What do Mosquitoes and blondes have in common???

They both stop sucking when you slap them.

Blonde jokes are hilarious!

A strikingly handsome young man walked into the office of a Hollywood agent with his resume and portfolio in hand. The agent reviewed the young man's slim resume and small portfolio with the care that was deserving of this fine young specimen.

"You have the very obvious good looks and excellent demeanor of an actor. Tell me, have you had any roles that I might be aware of." "Other than the requisite high school and college plays, no sir," said the handsome young man. "I dare say I know the reason why, with a name like yours," said the agent.

"Sir?"


"Your name. Penis Van Lesbian. That's not a name that will go far in Hollywood. I'd love to represent you, but you'll have to change your name."

"Sir," the handsome young man protested. "The Van Lesbian name was my father's, my grandfather's and his father's name. We have carried this name for generations and I will not change it for Hollywood or any other reason."

"If you won't change your name, I cannot represent you young man.

"Then I bid you farewell-my name will not change." With that, Penis Van Lesbian left the agents office never to return.


Five Years Later...


The Hollywood agent returned to his office after lunch with some producers and shuffled through his mail. Mostly junk mail, trade journals and the like. There was one letter. He opened the envelope and removed the letter.

As he unfolded the fine linen paper, a check dropped from the folds and onto his desk. He looked at the check. It was for $50,000! He read the letter:


Dear Sir:

Several years ago, I entered your office determined to become an actor. You refused to represent me unless I changed my name. I objected, saying the Penis Van Lesbian name had been carried for generations and left your
office. However, upon leaving, I chanced to reconsider my hastiness and after considerable reflection, I decided to heed your advice and endeavored to change my name.

Now I am a famous actor with many roles and known to millions worldwide. Having achieved this fame and fortune, it is often that I think back to my meeting with you and your insistence that I change my name. I owe you a debt of gratitude, so please accept this check with my humble thanks, for it was your idea which has brought me to such wealth and fame.

Very Sincerely Yours,

Dick Van Dyke

Thats a good one!

zzzzz

Here's one

A man dies and appears at the Pearly Gates "Have you done a good deed?" asks St. Peter.

"Sure, one time I came across a gang of bikers who were threatening a woman" the man says. "I walked up to the leader and punched him in the face, kicked over his bike, and told him 'You leave her alone or you'll answer to me!"

"That was very brave of you" says St. Peter. "When did this happen?"

"About two seconds ago."

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at centre ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.

"No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?"

The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head "No. They're all at the funeral."

A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers.
The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid.", answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid!"
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
"Ummm .... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
"What do I have to do?"
"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she is with." The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"
"Throw them in the swimming pool!"
"What?! There's no pool here?"
Long pause... "Uh .... is this 221-1811?"

Three Drunk Women had a very late night drinking.
They left in the early hours of the morning and went home their separate ways.

The next day,they all met up and compared notes about who was drunker the night before, the first girl claims that she was the drunkest, saying I went straight home, walked into the house and as soon as I got through the door I blew chunks for 10 minutes.

The second said, "You think that was drunk, hell I got into my car and wrapped it around the first tree I came across and I don't even have any insurance.

The third proclaimed, Damn I was the drunkest by far, when I got home I had a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over and burnt the whole house down.

The room fell silent, then the first girl spoke out again "Girls, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog."

ha. love that

- Did You Ever Wonder Why...
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?


Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?


How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?


You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?


Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why is brassiere singular and panties plural?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."

Good one Muj.

A guy walks into a bar.......the guy behind him ducks!

Nooooo it's A guy walks into a bar....and says Ow.

wasn't it a skelleton walking in ordering a milk and a sponge?

wasn't it a horse walking in and the bartender asking:'Why the long face?'

don't know any now

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 Billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C. The Russians used a pencil.

AUTO REPAIR
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

EXPOSURE
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.

A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

She says, "Why, officer?"

"Because your breast is hanging out."

She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"


KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.

Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"


FINAL EXAM
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and No, for Tails.

Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out.

During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.

"I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."

THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note:
"I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, the Blonde."

She then pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home.

The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.

Inside the bag was the following note: "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!"

Blonde jokes are the best!

ive got some great ones but they're very exlicit so i cant say them.

That last blonde joke is hilarious, Kes!!!

Ahh blonde jokes are indeed hilarious!
I'm kind of glad my blonde stage is over.

Dye your hair?

I can still see those blond streaks...

Names celebrities have given their kids:

Bono & Alison: Jordan & Memphis Eve (girls)

Pierce Brosnan & Keely Shaye Smith: Paris Beckett (girl)

Victoria Adams (Posh Spice) & David Beckham (is it Beckham or Beckam?): Brooklyn Joseph (boy) Romeo (boy)

Woody Allen & Mia Farrow: Satchel (boy)

Melanie Griffith & Don Johnson: Dakota Mayi (girl)

Mel B (Scary Spice) & Jimmy Gulzar: Phoenix Chi (girl)

Michael Hutchence & Paula Yates: Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily (girl)

Bob Geldof & Paula Yates: Fifi Trixiebelle, Peaches Honeyblossom, Little Pixie (girls)


Frank Zappa: Moon Unit, Diva (girls), Dweezil & Ahmet Emuukha Rodan (boys)

he he beckham is leaving Man U. thank god. he is a complete bimbo

yeh is going to Madrid! Still dont know why. they have Figo.

The shite have offered Heskey to West Ham for Cole. Brooking asked how many bags of coal, and could they pay in instalments!

*falls asleep*

jokes people!! football boring unless FUNNY!

Errr, Corran's was a joke....

Okay here's fave joke of all time, and I always tell it every time there's a joke thread. So here it comes: -


A horse walks into a bar....


"Why the long face", the barman asks.

Hey Mechmoggy I already said that one lol

Okay then, how about my 2nd fave joke.....

A huge polar bear walks into a bar and says: -

"Can I have a pint of lager and......................................................................... a packet of nuts please".

"Of course", says the barman, "but why the big pause?".

Some years ago, a sultan who had six children, all girls, began to despair as he had no son and heir. Imagine his joy when one of his wives finally presented him with a son and heir. Just before his son's sixth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side and said, "Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get for you." His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane." Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him American Airlines. Just before his son's seventh birthday,the Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you are my pride and joy. Anything you want, I shall get for you."
His son replied, "Daddy, I would like aboat."
Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him The Princess Cruise Lines. Just before his son's eighth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side.
"Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall get for you."
His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to be able to watch cartoons."
Not wanting to look a cheapskate, his father bought him Disney Studios and their theatres, where he watched all his favourite cartoons. Just before his son's ninth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side.
"Son, you are an inspiration to us all. Anything you want, I shall get for you."
His son, who was by now really into the Disney cartoons, replied, "Daddy, I would like a Mickey Mouse outfit."
Not wanting to appear to be tight, his father bought him Liverpool F.C!

LOL to both!

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.

A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.

The old man just stared. Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring.

The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

This one is kinda dirty!
I voted republican this year, the Democrats left a bad taste in my mouth.


Monica Lewinsky

My boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said, "Your wife called. She wants her sign back!"

2 frenchmen are out hunting one day. The one man says to the other look at those tracks, it look like a bear. The other man says NO those are cougar tracks. They keep following the tracks for awhile and ...........................................end up getting hit by a train!

This guy is walking with his friend. He says to this friend, "I'm a walking economy."

His friend replies, "How so?"

"My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression."
--------------

Speaking at a staff meeting, a very pert and pretty female engineer told the male manager of the division, "I'd like to get something off my chest."

"What's that?"

"Your eyes."
------------------

"So," Jane asked the detective she had hired, "did you trail my husband?"

"Yes ma'am. I did. I followed him to a bar, to an out-of-the-way restaurant and then to a motel."

A big smile crossed Jane's face,"Aha!! Then I've got him!" she said, gloating. " Is there any doubt what he was doing?"

"No ma'am." replied the sleuth, "He was following you."
----------------

The 7 degrees of blondness:

1st Degree:
A married couple was asleep when the telephone rang at two in the morning.

The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the telephone, listened a moment, and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear'."

2nd Degree:
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.

She opens it, looks in the mirror, and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."

She hands it to the second blonde.

The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

3rd Degree:
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.

She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief.

She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!"

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

4th Degree:
A blonde brags about her knowledge of state capitals.

She proudly says, "Go ahead; ask me, I know all of them."

A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"

The blonde replies, "Oh that's easy -- 'W'."

5th Degree:
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

"Is it mine?"

6th Degree:
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch.

"Wow!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant! Are you OK, ma'am?"

"Why, yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.

"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road, when from out of nowhere this tree popped up in front of me, so I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was another tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...."

"Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off as he looked inside the car,

"There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles.

That was your air-freshener swinging back and forth."

7th Degree:
Returning home from work, a blonde was astonished to see that she had been robbed.

She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, and then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

wholy $HI%

A Blonde walked into a bar with a pig tied to a piece of string. "Where the hell did you pick up that dirty thing?" asked the bartender.
"Won it in a raffle." said the pig.

What do you call a Blonde with 2 braincells?
"Pregnant!"

I LOVE BLONDE JOKES!!! YAY!! Keep em coming peeps

Kes, you really are a fount of humor!

A plane is on its way to Sydney when a blonde
in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and
sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her
ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she
will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful
I'm going to Sydney and I'm staying right here!"
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot
that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class who belongs in
Economy and won't move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the
blonde and tries to
explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and
return to her seat.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Sydney and I'm
staying right here!" The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should
have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't
listen to reason.
The pilot says "You say she's blonde? I'll
handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde'!" He goes back to the
blonde, whispers in her ear,and she says "Oh, I'm sorry". .. gets up and
moves back to her seat in the Economy section.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed
and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
"I told her First Class isn't going to Sydney."

Good one Corran!

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''

Why did the 3 blondes jump off the building?
They wanted to see if their maxi-pads really had wings

Why can't a blonde dial 911?
She can't find the eleven.

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to
check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her
hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and
flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir,
need to see your ticket, not your stub."

One day, a blonde named Sally was putting together a puzzle. She was really stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband for help.

''It's supposed to be a tiger!'' Sally cried.

''Honey," said Dan, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!''

How do you keep a blonde busy? (see below)
How do you keep a blonde busy? (see above)

Phoenix are you blonde perchance?

only slightly.... and only in the summer! brunette the rest of the year!

why do u ask?

Just wondered why people tell you so many blonde jokes.

cos i asked

That'd do it I suppose.

Women have more imagination than men. They need it to tell men how wonderful they are.

Women have their faults. Men have only two. Everything they say. Everything they do.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful women is one who can find such a man.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.

A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants. A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item that she doesn't want.

When a man gives his opinion, he's a man. When a woman gives her opinions, she's a b--ch.

Women are the only exploited group in history who have been idealized into powerlessness.

Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are a man's best friend. Now you know which sex is smarter.

Most men's primary fantasy is still, unfortunately, access to a number of beautiful women. For a man, commitment means giving up this fantasy. Most women's primary fantasy is a relationship with one man who either provides economic security or is on his way to doing so (he has "potential". For a woman, commitment to this type of man means achieving this fantasy. So commitment often means that a woman achieves her primary fantasy, while a man gives his up.

It's not true that men prefer foolish women. Rather they prefer women who can simulate foolishness whenever necessary, which is the very core of intelligence.

diggin up the old ones now.

Y did the blonde stare at a bottle of orange juice? It sed "concentrate' on the front

ahhh, cant do the spoiler thing in general discussion. i wanted to say my dirty joke behind the spoiler thingy. oh well.

ok screw it, ill try to sensor the bad words the best i can.... if its too much delete it, here goes


So the other day, im licking thie chicks a**hole, so she looks at me and says, "why are you licking my a**hole, so i says, "cuz you're pu**y tastes like shit"

Ok I have a blonde joke. And blondes can't take this personally because I am blonde.~

What did the blonde say when she opened the box of cheerios?
-Oh look, donut seeds.......

HaHaHaHaHa........
Not funny I know~

3 women work at an office. their boss always leaves about an hour early, leaving them to finish. one day, one of the women says, about 2 minutes after the boss has left, why dont we leave early today? she'll never know...

they agree, and they all go home. the first two have a great time, real relaxing. the third, who, incidently, is blonde, came home to find her husband in bed with her boss. she sneaks out, and arrives back at normal time. the next day, the other two sugest they sneak out again, but the blonde says "no way! i almost got caught!"

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.

Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: On landing, the hostess said, "Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
--------------
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways to leave the aircraft."
--------------
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Auckland, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella, WHOA!"
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."
--------------
"Weather at our destination is 32 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Qantas Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
--------------
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children ... or other adults acting like children."
--------------

Some more:Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
--------------
After a real crusher of a landing in Sydney, the flight attendant came on with, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt.Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

A plane was taking off from Mascot Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number XYZ, non-stop from Sydney to Auckland. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax--S%%%! ARGHHH! OH, MY GOD!"

Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Economy said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
--------------
Heard on the last flight of the day from Auckland to Wellington - the flight attendant came on the intercom "Ladies and Gentlemen - on behalf of Captain James T Kirk and First officer Spock welcome on this flight to Wellington"

funny funny! more, more!

Little Known Chocolate Tidbits...

If you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

Problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. Solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.

A nice box of chocolates provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

Equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate is a balanced diet.

The preservatives in chocolate make you look younger.

Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? Because no one wants to quit.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done!

yay!! this is all total phoe logic!!

Answering Machine Messages
~ Answering machine messages ~

1. Me no here. Me go bye. Leave me message. Me reply.

2. "Suicide Hotline...please hold."

3. Hellooo....Hellloooo, well if you won't talk to me maybe you'll talk to this machine, it's at home and I'm not, leave a message and it'll give it to me when I return.

4. Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can't come to the phone right now. He's either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call.

5. (With loud music playing in the background) "Hello... HELLO?? I can't hear you! What? Oh.. we're not home, leave a message.

6. Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I should die before I wake, remember to erase the tape. (For you "older" readers, doesn't this remind you of Burma Shave Sings?)

7. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

more Phoe logic:

share food around - that way, you all get the same amount of calories, and nobody will gain anymore weight than each other!

things licked off spoons while cooking dont count

broken biscuits dont count

drinking water is healthy. therefore, drink water with your choccy and ur being healthy!

things eaten while excercising dont count. Nb excersise counts as any movement.

eating something someone offers you doesnt count

8. "Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

9. We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.

10. Hello, this is Susan. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number.
On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back -- only that I won't.

Two sausages are frying in a pan when one jumps up and yells, "Holy Crap your on fire!" The other leaps up and shouts, "Holy Crap a talking sausage!"

A mushroom walks into a bar and asked for a drink. The bartender say, "we don't serve mushrooms in here". The mushroom replies, "Why not? I'm a fun guy.

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides
she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She
realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable" The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word,'comfortable?'"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it slow. ("com-for-da-bul".

SHE WAS SO BLONDE THAT SHE ...........
1. Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.
2. Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.
3. Can't work in a pharmacy because the bottles won't fit into the typewriter.
4. Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years".
5. Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.
6. Burnt her nose bobbing for French fries.
7. Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.
8. Can't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets.
9. Hates M&M's because they are so hard to peel.
10. Got hurt while raking leaves; fell out of the tree.
11. Changes the baby's diaper only once a month because the label said "good up to 20 pounds."
12. After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.

And in the interest of fairness:

WHY ARE BRUNETTES SO PROUD OF THEIR HAIR?
It matches their mustache.

WHAT'S BLACK AND BLUE AND BROWN AND LAYING IN A DITCH?
A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.

WHAT DO YOU CALL GOING ON A BLIND DATE WITH A BRUNETTE?
Brown bagging it.

WHAT'S THE REAL REASON A BRUNETTE KEEPS HER FIGURE?>
No one else wants it.

WHY ARE SO MANY BLONDE JOKES ONE-LINERS?
So brunettes can remember them.

WHAT DO YOU CALL A BRUNETTE IN A ROOM FULL OF BLONDES
Invisible.

WHAT'S A BRUNETTE'S MATING CALL?
'Has the blonde left yet?'

WHY IS THE BRUNETTE CONSIDERED AN EVIL COLOR?
When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?

WHAT DO BRUNETTES MISS MOST ABOUT A GREAT PARTY?
The invitation.

WHAT DO YOU CALL A GOOD LOOKING MAN WITH A BRUNETTE?
A hostage.

WHO MAKES BRAS FOR BRUNETTES?
Fisher Price.

chico!

yes!!!??

whats the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

My joke...


BANANA!!!

The bananas rule supreme...

What's the difference between light and hard?
Answer: You can sleep with a light on.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Niel Armstrong?

Neil Armstrong WALKED on the MOON, and Michael Jackson f*cks little kids.

Okay, here's another one.

Q) Why do dogs lick their balls?

A) Because they can.

Q) No, because have you ever licked a dog's balls? They're delicious.

Ok I have one! THere are 2 guys standing outside of a bar....The first guy tells the other guy, "I know my wife is in there, with her lover and I want you to go in there and drag her out. She has brown hair, blue eyes, and is wearing a red dress. Go get her!". So the second guy goes in the bar and he comes back out with a girl, beating her, only the girl has black hair, green eyes and is wearing a blue dress. The first guy procalims,"What are you doing! THis isn't my wife!", and the second guy cries," I know, SHE'S MY WIFE!"~

my dad heard this from a patient:

there are some people in a building having drinks. this lady is sitting near the window next to a man. she sees him take a sip of his drink, stands up and jumps out the window. she watches him fly around a couple of times then he comes back in. takes another sip and flys around. amazed by this, she asks him "where can i get some of that?" referring to the drink. he points to the bar. so, she buys one and jumps out the window. but ends up falling four floors the ground. the man goes and sits down at the bar. the bartender says: "gosh! you are such a jerk superman!"

Two muffins are sitting in a stove when one looks to the other and says"Is it hot in here or is it just me?" and the other screams"holy sh*t! A talking muffin!"

Why is air a lot like sex?
Answer: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?

Does killing time damage eternity?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Are part time band leaders semi-conductors?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

How can there be self-help "groups"?

If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?

If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup. The doctor asked
him how he was feeling. "I've never been better," he replied. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment then said, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But, one day he was in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. So he was walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly he spotted a beaver in some brush in front of him. He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the beaver and squeezed the handle. *BAM* The beaver dropped dead in front of him."
"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that beaver."
"Exactly!"

hahahahaha good one

i have a million jokes but half of them r rascits so i dont think that i would be liked to much on this site if i made fun of any ones race. but i will leave u with this one i am irsh so i can say it. how many irsh guys does it take to screw in a light bulb??? 30 one to hold the light buln into the sucket and 29 of them to drink till the room spins. ok here is one more. whats the differnec between a pair of pants and a ethiopian and a pair of pants??? a pair of pants only has one fly on them.

I am taking piloting leasons, so sometimes I strech my mind and imagine what I would. Here is one of the scenarios:

Me and my co-pilot are both in the cockpit. I open the intercom and scream. Then a stewardess comes out and asks if anybody can play "Microsoft's flight Simulator"

A German, a French and a Redneck are set to be exicuted for some crime against their country. But during there life they were repected. So they are offered a choice of death; shot, hanged or being injected with A.I.D.S.

German: Shoort ME! I wourld likre to feerl whart the Jews ferlt.
BANG dies on the spot

French: Hang moi. Je would like to honer les "patriotes"
SNAP his neck breaks from the fall and he dies on the spot.

Redneck: Ya, injectme with some of dat A.I.D.S. stuff.
They inject him, he then starts laughing like no1 before.
Redneck: MORE!
They give him some more. He is laughing soo much he falls on the ground.
Redneck: AGAIN!!!
They inject him again, he is in tears and pisses in his pants.
Redneck: YOU GUYS ARE SOO STUPID! I AM WEARING A CONDOM!!!

thats funny

lol a cheezy "your mama" joke...

Yo mama's so fat when she put on high heels she struck oil

hey i got another green square! yay!

yo mama's so skinny she had to run around in the shower to get wet

Yo mama's got so many craps she walks sideways.

Yo mama's so dumb she got tied up in a cordless phone.

yo mama's so dumb she got hit by a parked car (oldie but i luv it!)

i know some rude ones... but i will find some nice cute ones to post instead!

Old one's yet you got 2 love 'em:

Your so stupid when I said it was chilly outside, you went and grabed a spoon.

Your so ugly when you walked in a haunted house, you came out with a job.

Your so fat that you use bacon as a bandaide.

Your so fat you sweat cooking oil.

THE TASTE!!!! HAHA!

Your mama's so dumb she climbed a glass wall to see what was on the other side.

OK,some people might not get this, and it's kinda stupid, but I like it,so here it is:
There are two muffins baking in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, "Holy S*it it's hot in here!" and the other muffin turns and says, "Holy S*it, a talking muffin!!!"

LoL!!!

This may be slightly offensive so it is spoilered.
There was a man flying his plane over the jungle when suddenly his engine dies and he makes an emergency landing. Now in the middle of the jungle he is surrounded by an african tribe that has never seen a white man before. The tribe not knowing what to do with this man takes him to the chief. The chief looks at the man up and down. Because the chief and the tribe have never seen a white man before the label him as a demon sent to them as a curse. The chief gives the man two options: death or budda budda. The white man thinks well anything is better than death, but just be safe he asks, "What is budda budda?" The chief replies, "You must be raped by every man in the tribe." The white man says, "No way am I doing that. I chose death." To this the chief replies, "Okay. Death by budda budda"

Ok this is more of a trick on the eyes but can you count how many F's are in this sentence?
FINISHED FILES ARE THE
RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC
STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS ?

3?

nope. 6.
Finished Files are the
result oF years oF scientiFic
study combined with the
experience oF years.

The brain cannot process the word "OF". Incredible or what? Anyone who counts all six F's on the first go is a genius Three is normal.

Wow, that was freaky...I like.

whats green and smells like prok.....kermit the frogs fingers!
minging but true

Anyone who doesn't want to hear a vile joke, skip my post.

One day a little girl was walking through the park and she came across a naked man lying on the bench reading a paper. He quickly covered himself with the paper and waited. The little girl almost walked past like he had hoped, but she stopped and asked him, "What's under the paper mister?" He replied, "My birdie, now go away!" The little girl left and he fell asleep. He woke up two days later in the ER and he asked the doctors what happened. They said they didn't know, but he could ask the little girl that was in the waiting room. They brought the girl to him and he asked her what happened. She replied, "I wanted to play with the birdie, so I pet the birdie, kissed the birdie, stroked the birdie, and rubbed the birdie, then the birdie spit in my eye, so I bit the birdie's head off, squashed the birdie's eggs, and burned the birdie's nest.

OUCH!

How many existentialists does it take
to screw in a light bulb? Two: One to
screw it in and one to observe how the
light bulb itself symbolizes a single
incandescent beacon of subjective
reality in a netherworld of endless
absurdity reaching out toward a cosmos
of nothingness.


hehe...

Cmon guys post up!!!

why does helen keller masterbate with 1 hand?



so she can moan with the other.

Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her
cat Tiddles lying on the ground with its eyes
shut and its legs in the air.

She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on
seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could,
"I'm afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy".

"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like
that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the
tears.

At a loss for something to say the father
replied, "Tiddles' legs are pointing straight up
in the air so that it will be easier for God to
float down from heaven above and grab a leg and
lift Tiddles up to heaven".

Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles death
quite well.
However, two days later when her father came
home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and
said: "Mommy almost died this morning".

Fearing something terrible had happened, the
father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you
mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!"

"Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for
work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor
with her legs in the air and she was shouting,

'Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!' and if it
hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she
would definitely have gone, Daddy".

the clintons go to a ball game and there sitting in the nose bleed section. a row behind them sits the cia agents. 2 minutes before the game starts the umpire whispers into bill clintons ear. he thinks for a minute and grabs his wife throws her off her seat and she dies on impact. clinton sits back down and the umpire returns saying mr president you misunderstood i said it was time to THROW THE FIRST PITCH!

lmao! thats a great 1!

pray

If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you!

a war breaks out in iraq osam and saddam catch a plane. the plane is gona get shot do to the firing by the united states. osama and saddam have no choice but to jump withought a parashoot. who will hit the ground first?


who gives a f*ck?



i made that up after 9/11

Woah...I counted five



Those are some awesome jokes, you guys Keep them coming!

A Sandwich walks into a bar, and order a drink. The Barman says: sorry but we dont serve Sandwiches here.

Why do ghosts make terrible liars? Because you can see write through them.

Omg these are really funny