enyafreak
Yes folks, you heard it right. I managed to get my paws on the complete Two towers script and there are 8 scenes that were either cut or altered and here they are.
SCENE 1.
Gandalf and the Balrog land in the icy depths of a subterranean lake in Moria and they clamber out. The Balrog has steam rising off it and it turns to Gandalf.
GANDALF: Uh-oh, he doesn't look happy, I think it's time he saw Gandalf the Grey uncloaked.
Gandalf lifts up his robe and the Balrog recoils in horror and runs off towards a stairwell.
GANDALF: Oh, he thinks he's getting away does he? You can run but you can't hide baby, I'm gonna ride you up this mountain like it ain't no thing.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
I think this scene was cut because of you "you can run..." cliche.
SCENE 2.
Frodo has made friends with Gollum and Sam is being ignored and teased. This scene is set in The Dead Marshes. Sam is trying to sleep but knows that Frodo and Gollum are off in a corner whispering together. Now and again they look at Sam and Giggle.
GOLLUM: Masters' friend is very fat.
FRODO: He he, I know. I know he'd never try to take the ring from me because it's not made of cake.
GOLLUM: Master had beter watch his food supplies, they are going down fast and Smeagol isn't taking them.
FRODO: I know dude, tell me about it. There used to nine of us you know? until Sam got peckish. He'll eat anything, I saw him eat a Rhinoceros once.
SAM (To Himself): I can't hear anything, I'm not listening, they're not there and I don't care.
FRODO: Hey Smeagol, have a toke on this man, it's awesome.
GOLLUM: Master is very kind to poor Smeagol.
FRODO: Well it's you and me now man, we are both bearers of the one ring, the only ring Sam's ever held was a giant doughnut. All I ever hear is (PUTS ON SILLY CORNISH ACCENT) "Don't you go a worrying Mr. Frodo, your Sam will look after you, you gotta believe in good, have faith in yourself". Just my luck to get saddled with a Hippy.
GOLLUM: We thinks Sam fancies master.
FRODO: I know, I know, don't remind me. Like that will ever happen, dream on Master Samwise, I'd rather be gangbanged by the Nazgul.
Sam gets up and walks past them.
GOLLUM: Where's Sam going?
FRODO: Maybe the bakery's just opened. Hey Sam, don't waddle too far.
They both laugh and Sam stalks off muttering.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I think this scene was cut because of the drugs reference in a 12 cert movie.
SCENE 3.
MERRY AND PIPPIN, STILL PRISONERS OF THE URUK-HAI, ARE THROWN TO THE GROUND AS AN ARGUMENT STARTS.
UGLUK: Right, who's stolen my sandwiches?
SNAGA: Erm, I don't know.
UGLUK: It was you wasn't it? That's the twelfth time in the last hour, what am i supposed to eat?
SNAGA: We could eat the halflings.
VEGETARIAN ORC: Eat the...They're not a bag of chips you know? they're people.
MAUHUR: Isn't there a McDonalds on the borders of Fangorn?
SNAGA: There's a Burger King just outside Isengard.
MAUHUR: Oh that's miles away, I'm starving now.
GRISHNAKH: Maybe we should eat you, then we'd have less whinging.
VEGETARIAN ORC: Oh for heaven's sake, can't we have one conversation that doesn't end with someone being eaten?
MAUHUR: Well if he'd only stop talking about food we'd be alright.
SNAGA: We could eat the horses.
UGLUK: We haven't got any horses you moron, we came on foot.
SNAGA: Yes, whose bright idea was that anyway? We'd be halfway there by now but no, we're the fighting Uruk-Hai, we're relentless, we can travel for days on foot without rest. Well if you think I'm trudging across this plain without even a bag of chips you've got another think coming.
VEGETARIAN ORC: I'm not an Uruk-Hai
GRISHNAKH: Shut up.
MAUHUR: Listen, why don't we get a takeaway?
SNAGA: Oh yes, who's got a mobile?
MAUHUR: I think you ate it.
UGLUK: Oh, for the love of...Don't tell me we only had one mobile phone between thirty of us. Well that does it Snaga, I really am going to eat you now.
VEGETARIAN ORC: See, I told you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
This scene was cut because of brandname dropping.
SCENE 4.
Gandalf has returned and introduces Aragorn & co to Shadowfax.
GANDALF: Does he not shine like silver and run like the flowing wind?
ARAGORN: Erm Gandalf, he's made of cloth.
GANDALF: What nonsense, he's magnificent.
ARAGORN: He's not magnificent, he's a cloth rocking horse and he's got buttons for eyes and his tail isn't even sown on properly.
GANDALF (Getting angry): He's the prince of horses.
LEGOLAS: Look, someone's drawn a big smiley mouth on him with felt-tip pen.
GANDALF (Quickly running in front of Shadowfax to hide him): No they haven't.
ARAGORN: Yes they have Gandalf, he looks absolutely pathetic.
GANDALF: Don't listen to them Shadowfax, you're my best friend.
ARAGORN: Oh my God, is that "Made in Taiwan" stamped on his back?
GANDALF: I'm leaving now, I'm getting on Shadowfax and I'm riding away into the sunset, Goodbye.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
I can't think why this scene was altered.
SCENE 5.
Gandalf, Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas arrive at Edoras to find a haggard looking king.
ARAGORN: Jeez, someone had a rough night.
WORMTONGUE: You cannot enter here.
GANDALF: Don't worry everyone, I'll deal with this. This calls for aromatherapy.
Gimli slips on a banana skin and everyone laughs.
GANDALF: Now Lord of the Mark, I'm going to rub this essence of Lavender into your temples to drive out the evil spirits.
THEODEN: Your mother works for allied carpets.
ARAGORN: Oh what filthy language, he must be possessed.
Gimli's trousers fall down and everyone laughs. Gandalf begins prancing up and down covering Theoden with rose petals.
THEODEN: All the cool kids laugh at you cos' you're a nufter.
GANDALF: Saruman! leave this poor man, you will never defeat me.
THEODEN STARTS LEVITATING AND VOMITING GREEN SOUP. THEN GANDALF ZAPS THEODEN AND FORCES SARUMAN OUT. IN ISENGARD SARUMAN IS SENT FLYING ACROSS THE ROOM.
SARUMAN: Curses foiled again, I'd have got away with it if it wasn't for you meddling kids.
Back in Edoras everyone is overjoyed to see the king back to normal. Then Gimli falls down a hole and everyone laughs.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
This scene was altered due to time constraints
SCENE 6.
King Theoden arrives at Helm's Deep and Gamling has bad news.
THEODEN: Where are my warriors?
GAMLING: There's been a slight problem. Our defences have been somewhat diminished.
THEODEN: Do we have men?
GAMLING: No.
THEODEN: Swords?
GAMLING: No.
THEODEN: Horses, Arrows, defended gates.
GAMLING: Er no.
THEODEN: So what have we got?
GAMLING: Well we've got a telescope with a cracked lens, a bag of self-raising flour, a childs slingshot with the elastic missing and I think there's a duck over there.
THEODEN: A duck?
GAMLING: Yes, he's quite elderly, but he's still pretty ferocious.
DUCK: Quack.
THEODEN: Right that's it, I'm going home to hide under the bed.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Cut because the presence of a bed indicated sex.
SCENE 7.
On the steps of Helm's Deep Aragorn is daydreaming when a young boy wearing armour comes up to him.
ARAGORN: Ah Brego!
HALETH: Excuse me sir?
ARAGORN: Hello, what's your name?
HALETH: Haleth son of Hama sir.
ARAGORN: Oh yeah, of course.
HALETH: You knew my father sir?
ARAGORN: Well I met him.
HALETH: Did he die with dignity sir?
ARAGORN: No, I'm afraid not. His head got bitten off by a giant hedgehog. It was quite funny actually.
HALETH: Did he say anything about me sir?
ARAGORN: yeah, he said you were a little wuss with hair like a girl. Anyway I'm bored with this conversation, I'm going off to sleep with my horse.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Trimmed down because PJ didn't want to draw attention to the fact that the realisation of the wargs was less than perfect.
SCENE 8.
A longer final scene with things getting worse between Frodo, Gollum and Sam.
GOLLUM: Who's this?
Gollum puffs out his cheeks and waddles around.
FRODO: It's a big fat Sam?
GOLLUM: Master guessed it.
FRODO: Well at least when we get to Mordor we'll be alright. If any Orcs come we could hide behind him.
GOLLUM: Or he could disguise hisself as Mount Doom.
FRODO: Then I could chuck the ring inside him and Sauron would never...find...Oh no.
LONG PAUSE AS FRODO REALISES WHAT HE HAS SAID. GOLLUM STARES AT HIM IN SHOCK.
FRODO: Err, Smeagol?
GOLLUM LUNGES AT FRODO AND TRIES TO STRANGLE HIM.
FRODO: Sam Urrrgghh, Help.
SAM: Sorry Mr. Frodo. Did you say something?
FRODO: He's trying to kkkkkill me.
SAM: Oh dear, what a shame (SAM OPENS A MAGAZINE)
FRODO: Sammmmm, Arrrgghhhhh, Hellllppp
SAM: Well I would come and help you Mr. Frodo but I'm so fat I can barely stand up let alone walk over to you so I'll just have to sit here looking fat won't I?
FRODO: Arrrgghhhh
SAM: Ah, what a nice day it is, tra la la la la.
ARAGORN AND EOWYN CHAT IN THE GOLDEN HALL.
ARAGORN:What do you fear, my lady?
EOWYN:A cage.To stay behind ba---
BEFORE SHE CAN CONTINUE ARAGORN WHIPS OUT A LITTLE WOODEN CAGE AND WIGGLES IT AT HER.
ARAGORN:Whooooo!!!!
EOWYN:-rs until use and old age accept....
ARAGORN:Whoooooeoeoeoeoeo!!!
EOWYN:them,and....look,pack it in!
ARAGORN
carrry cage!It's coming to get you!Oooooo!
EOWYN:Right,don't make me come over there!
ARAGORNo what?I'm incapable to losing a fight!
NAZGUL:He's right you know.
EOWYNhut it you!
there was also a scene where Galadriel was having a manicure but that got cut off because sarumane wanted to show his too and they just didn't have the time...
SCENE 1.
Gandalf and the Balrog land in the icy depths of a subterranean lake in Moria and they clamber out. The Balrog has steam rising off it and it turns to Gandalf.
GANDALF: Uh-oh, he doesn't look happy, I think it's time he saw Gandalf the Grey uncloaked.
Gandalf lifts up his robe and the Balrog recoils in horror and runs off towards a stairwell.
GANDALF: Oh, he thinks he's getting away does he? You can run but you can't hide baby, I'm gonna ride you up this mountain like it ain't no thing.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
I think this scene was cut because of you "you can run..." cliche.
SCENE 2.
Frodo has made friends with Gollum and Sam is being ignored and teased. This scene is set in The Dead Marshes. Sam is trying to sleep but knows that Frodo and Gollum are off in a corner whispering together. Now and again they look at Sam and Giggle.
GOLLUM: Masters' friend is very fat.
FRODO: He he, I know. I know he'd never try to take the ring from me because it's not made of cake.
GOLLUM: Master had beter watch his food supplies, they are going down fast and Smeagol isn't taking them.
FRODO: I know dude, tell me about it. There used to nine of us you know? until Sam got peckish. He'll eat anything, I saw him eat a Rhinoceros once.
SAM (To Himself): I can't hear anything, I'm not listening, they're not there and I don't care.
FRODO: Hey Smeagol, have a toke on this man, it's awesome.
GOLLUM: Master is very kind to poor Smeagol.
FRODO: Well it's you and me now man, we are both bearers of the one ring, the only ring Sam's ever held was a giant doughnut. All I ever hear is (PUTS ON SILLY CORNISH ACCENT) "Don't you go a worrying Mr. Frodo, your Sam will look after you, you gotta believe in good, have faith in yourself". Just my luck to get saddled with a Hippy.
GOLLUM: We thinks Sam fancies master.
FRODO: I know, I know, don't remind me. Like that will ever happen, dream on Master Samwise, I'd rather be gangbanged by the Nazgul.
Sam gets up and walks past them.
GOLLUM: Where's Sam going?
FRODO: Maybe the bakery's just opened. Hey Sam, don't waddle too far.
They both laugh and Sam stalks off muttering.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I think this scene was cut because of the drugs reference in a 12 cert movie.
SCENE 3.
MERRY AND PIPPIN, STILL PRISONERS OF THE URUK-HAI, ARE THROWN TO THE GROUND AS AN ARGUMENT STARTS.
UGLUK: Right, who's stolen my sandwiches?
SNAGA: Erm, I don't know.
UGLUK: It was you wasn't it? That's the twelfth time in the last hour, what am i supposed to eat?
SNAGA: We could eat the halflings.
VEGETARIAN ORC: Eat the...They're not a bag of chips you know? they're people.
MAUHUR: Isn't there a McDonalds on the borders of Fangorn?
SNAGA: There's a Burger King just outside Isengard.
MAUHUR: Oh that's miles away, I'm starving now.
GRISHNAKH: Maybe we should eat you, then we'd have less whinging.
VEGETARIAN ORC: Oh for heaven's sake, can't we have one conversation that doesn't end with someone being eaten?
MAUHUR: Well if he'd only stop talking about food we'd be alright.
SNAGA: We could eat the horses.
UGLUK: We haven't got any horses you moron, we came on foot.
SNAGA: Yes, whose bright idea was that anyway? We'd be halfway there by now but no, we're the fighting Uruk-Hai, we're relentless, we can travel for days on foot without rest. Well if you think I'm trudging across this plain without even a bag of chips you've got another think coming.
VEGETARIAN ORC: I'm not an Uruk-Hai
GRISHNAKH: Shut up.
MAUHUR: Listen, why don't we get a takeaway?
SNAGA: Oh yes, who's got a mobile?
MAUHUR: I think you ate it.
UGLUK: Oh, for the love of...Don't tell me we only had one mobile phone between thirty of us. Well that does it Snaga, I really am going to eat you now.
VEGETARIAN ORC: See, I told you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
This scene was cut because of brandname dropping.
SCENE 4.
Gandalf has returned and introduces Aragorn & co to Shadowfax.
GANDALF: Does he not shine like silver and run like the flowing wind?
ARAGORN: Erm Gandalf, he's made of cloth.
GANDALF: What nonsense, he's magnificent.
ARAGORN: He's not magnificent, he's a cloth rocking horse and he's got buttons for eyes and his tail isn't even sown on properly.
GANDALF (Getting angry): He's the prince of horses.
LEGOLAS: Look, someone's drawn a big smiley mouth on him with felt-tip pen.
GANDALF (Quickly running in front of Shadowfax to hide him): No they haven't.
ARAGORN: Yes they have Gandalf, he looks absolutely pathetic.
GANDALF: Don't listen to them Shadowfax, you're my best friend.
ARAGORN: Oh my God, is that "Made in Taiwan" stamped on his back?
GANDALF: I'm leaving now, I'm getting on Shadowfax and I'm riding away into the sunset, Goodbye.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
I can't think why this scene was altered.
SCENE 5.
Gandalf, Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas arrive at Edoras to find a haggard looking king.
ARAGORN: Jeez, someone had a rough night.
WORMTONGUE: You cannot enter here.
GANDALF: Don't worry everyone, I'll deal with this. This calls for aromatherapy.
Gimli slips on a banana skin and everyone laughs.
GANDALF: Now Lord of the Mark, I'm going to rub this essence of Lavender into your temples to drive out the evil spirits.
THEODEN: Your mother works for allied carpets.
ARAGORN: Oh what filthy language, he must be possessed.
Gimli's trousers fall down and everyone laughs. Gandalf begins prancing up and down covering Theoden with rose petals.
THEODEN: All the cool kids laugh at you cos' you're a nufter.
GANDALF: Saruman! leave this poor man, you will never defeat me.
THEODEN STARTS LEVITATING AND VOMITING GREEN SOUP. THEN GANDALF ZAPS THEODEN AND FORCES SARUMAN OUT. IN ISENGARD SARUMAN IS SENT FLYING ACROSS THE ROOM.
SARUMAN: Curses foiled again, I'd have got away with it if it wasn't for you meddling kids.
Back in Edoras everyone is overjoyed to see the king back to normal. Then Gimli falls down a hole and everyone laughs.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
This scene was altered due to time constraints
SCENE 6.
King Theoden arrives at Helm's Deep and Gamling has bad news.
THEODEN: Where are my warriors?
GAMLING: There's been a slight problem. Our defences have been somewhat diminished.
THEODEN: Do we have men?
GAMLING: No.
THEODEN: Swords?
GAMLING: No.
THEODEN: Horses, Arrows, defended gates.
GAMLING: Er no.
THEODEN: So what have we got?
GAMLING: Well we've got a telescope with a cracked lens, a bag of self-raising flour, a childs slingshot with the elastic missing and I think there's a duck over there.
THEODEN: A duck?
GAMLING: Yes, he's quite elderly, but he's still pretty ferocious.
DUCK: Quack.
THEODEN: Right that's it, I'm going home to hide under the bed.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Cut because the presence of a bed indicated sex.
SCENE 7.
On the steps of Helm's Deep Aragorn is daydreaming when a young boy wearing armour comes up to him.
ARAGORN: Ah Brego!
HALETH: Excuse me sir?
ARAGORN: Hello, what's your name?
HALETH: Haleth son of Hama sir.
ARAGORN: Oh yeah, of course.
HALETH: You knew my father sir?
ARAGORN: Well I met him.
HALETH: Did he die with dignity sir?
ARAGORN: No, I'm afraid not. His head got bitten off by a giant hedgehog. It was quite funny actually.
HALETH: Did he say anything about me sir?
ARAGORN: yeah, he said you were a little wuss with hair like a girl. Anyway I'm bored with this conversation, I'm going off to sleep with my horse.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Trimmed down because PJ didn't want to draw attention to the fact that the realisation of the wargs was less than perfect.
SCENE 8.
A longer final scene with things getting worse between Frodo, Gollum and Sam.
GOLLUM: Who's this?
Gollum puffs out his cheeks and waddles around.
FRODO: It's a big fat Sam?
GOLLUM: Master guessed it.
FRODO: Well at least when we get to Mordor we'll be alright. If any Orcs come we could hide behind him.
GOLLUM: Or he could disguise hisself as Mount Doom.
FRODO: Then I could chuck the ring inside him and Sauron would never...find...Oh no.
LONG PAUSE AS FRODO REALISES WHAT HE HAS SAID. GOLLUM STARES AT HIM IN SHOCK.
FRODO: Err, Smeagol?
GOLLUM LUNGES AT FRODO AND TRIES TO STRANGLE HIM.
FRODO: Sam Urrrgghh, Help.
SAM: Sorry Mr. Frodo. Did you say something?
FRODO: He's trying to kkkkkill me.
SAM: Oh dear, what a shame (SAM OPENS A MAGAZINE)
FRODO: Sammmmm, Arrrgghhhhh, Hellllppp
SAM: Well I would come and help you Mr. Frodo but I'm so fat I can barely stand up let alone walk over to you so I'll just have to sit here looking fat won't I?
FRODO: Arrrgghhhh
SAM: Ah, what a nice day it is, tra la la la la.
ARAGORN AND EOWYN CHAT IN THE GOLDEN HALL.
ARAGORN:What do you fear, my lady?
EOWYN:A cage.To stay behind ba---
BEFORE SHE CAN CONTINUE ARAGORN WHIPS OUT A LITTLE WOODEN CAGE AND WIGGLES IT AT HER.
ARAGORN:Whooooo!!!!
EOWYN:-rs until use and old age accept....
ARAGORN:Whoooooeoeoeoeoeo!!!
EOWYN:them,and....look,pack it in!
ARAGORN
carrry cage!It's coming to get you!Oooooo!EOWYN:Right,don't make me come over there!
ARAGORN
o what?I'm incapable to losing a fight!NAZGUL:He's right you know.
EOWYN
hut it you!there was also a scene where Galadriel was having a manicure but that got cut off because sarumane wanted to show his too and they just didn't have the time...
