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Learn to use the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us moaning about you leaving it down.

If we ask what's wrong and you say 'nothing,' we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.

Yes, No and Hmmmm are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons blokes fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

(Really, really listen to this one) Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as belly button fluff, the offside rule or fast cars.

Weekend = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that way.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes. Crying is blackmail.

Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one:
Subtle hints don't work.
Strong hints don't work.
Really obvious hints don't work.
Just say it!

No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on the calendar.

Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.

Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

A headache that lasts for 3 years is a problem. See a doctor.

Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

Check your oil.

It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

Anything we said 3 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.

You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something but not both.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

ALL men see in only 16 colours. Peach is a fruit, not a colour.

If it itches, it will be scratched.

Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

Where did you get that from?

Came through from my manager at work.

Oh man....I have SO much to say...and I'm on my stinking lunch break!

You're actually at work? Woohoooo

RC, you have made my day. That was very funny and what's more...very true. *sticks out tongue to Dim*

queeq out

This is rather similar. I copied and pasted it from lotsofjokes.com and I can't leave spaces in between each point coz then it would be far too long, so sorry if it's a little tricky to read.

Women especially love a bargain. The question of 'need' is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.
Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you 'just don't understand'.
Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.
Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.
Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.
Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.
Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man wants to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need.
Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.
Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.
Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.
Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling.
Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an 'on/off' switch.
Women think all beer is the same.
Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.
Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things could be.
If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.
Women brush their hair before bed.
Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea about how she'll be in bed.
Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling.
Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, 'It's there in the Bible'. Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?
Women do not know anything about cars. 'Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?'
Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet. Men just get a large bowl to share.
The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.
Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.
Women don't try as hard as men during sex; after all, they don't fall asleep afterwards.
Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'
PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means that. PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse.
The first naked man a woman sees is 'Ken'.
Women are insecure about their weight, butt, and breast sizes.
Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.
'Oh, nothing,' has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.
Lewis Carroll's Caterpillar had nothing on women.
Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.
All women are overweight by definition; don't agree with them about it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.
If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, 'What did you do?'
Only women understand the reason for 'guest towels' and the 'good china'.
Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights. All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check.
If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys. (which gets them in more trouble)
Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they 'left the seat up' instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.
Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.
Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?
Women fake orgasm because men fake foreplay.
It's okay for women to dance with each other and not be gay. You don't see straight men dancing together.
Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they'll go out and spend more time checking out other women. Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.
The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party. You don't hear men say, 'Oh-my-GOD, there's another man wearing a black tux, get me out of here!'

I wonder when Dim's going to close this one.

queeq out

*pokes queeq*
Are you suggesting that I mod this board due to my own personal whims?

Well... you ARE a woman.

queeq out

I'm just going to ignore that little comment


And you know...I don't care if you miss....JUST CLEAN IT UP!!! and then put the stinking seat down so I don't fall into it in the middle of the night!

Those posts are a hoot !!

Although I have to agree with Dim about the toilet seat. One night the paper roll ran out and the old grump got a new one out of the cabinet but left it sittng on the edge of the sink. I come bumbling in around 3am in the dark and knock it right into the OPEN toilet. I think you can figure the rest out for yourself.

You've missed the point of the very first line on this thread. Put down the seat yourself. Look where your park your behind.

I once read a great column about this. The author made a calculation what is the fairest thing, including differentiation to numerous household members. And he concluded that everyone should rearrange the seat according to their needs. In that way the chance that you HAVE TO rearrange something is about the same for all parties involved. You want equality, you can get it.

queeq out

There are more important things in life than toilet seats.

Not if your job is designing and making them. Which mine isn't by the way.

Too bad, KJ. I hear there's a lot of money to be made in that business. And there are good prospects. No matter what happens in the world, people will always have to go.

queeq out

Hehehe, good one queeq.

*Han Solo voice* I know...

queeq out

Is that hair thing really true?

Everything you read was true...

queeq out

99% of guys I meet tell me to never cut my hair. They say long hair defines a woman's femininity. I just like to do a lot of different do's with it. I can make myself look different for the old grouch everyday. His hair is almost as long as mine, but he won't let me put it in princess leia double buns for him. What a grouch !

Woman will like me and want to be with me no matter what I do.

Ahh....the Ego has landed. As long as she's got hair I don't mind. Look at Natalie Imbruglia, short hair but she is definately feminine. I think that rule only applies if you look like a man in the first place.

I read somewhere that when grow their hair long when they're sexually and emotionally available and cut it short as a sign that they're no longer on the market...so to speak.

Well, in Jewish traditions and Islam, the hair of the woman is sort of like a crown. The man wins it when he marries her. In some Jewish traditions (hassidic for instance) the women have to cut their hair and wear a wig from then on. The hair is only necessary to get a man, after that it can only tempt other men.
In Islam, women have to wear veils. The hair is the sole property of the husband.

queeq out

Boy am I glad I was born in the good old USA !!

Xizor, we all know you are a TOWER OF POWER... but I've been meaning to ask you about the emporer's skyhook gardener you acquired under his nose....seems there was a little accident..tsk tsk..

The are plenty of Hasids and Muslims in the US, Gundy-dear, so there's a oppurtunity for you yet.

queeq out

They don't bathe or use deodorant..yuck! Not for me, queeq-darling, thanks anyway. (Gundark skips merrily away)

There goes the Odorex girl.

queeq out

Cleanliness is next to Jediliness.

Jediliness? That sounds like EU to me.

queeq out

Who said that they don't bath or use deodarant?...and queeq..I'm guessing you meant hats when you were talking about the Hassidic women...not wigs..

No, I meant wigs, not hats.

queeq out

Why in the world would they wear wigs...that seems like it would still tempt other men...like fake breasts you know..

The wigs are not really that stunning, Dim. It has more to do with looking normal in the streets. Sorry, I didn't make up the rules.

queeq out

Hmmm, okay. You know more about it than I do..

Only a little, maybe.

queeq out

Gawd, I know nothing about religion. Couldn't stand it at school.
However, I have heard that Ancient Egyptian Monks used to pluck out every hair on their body.
And I mean EVERY hair.

Jeesh...I don't like tweezing my eye brows...They must have had ALOT of time on their hands..

Well, no excavations showed they had cell phones. So I bet they DID have plenty of time on there hands.

And I'm sure not all Egyptian monks did that, just certain cults, but they must have enjoyed themselves.

queeq out

Who here has a cell phone?..

Gundark, about that Gardner, the EMPEROR killed him!! All I wanted was for him to grow pretty flowers for me to give my many lady friends.

Xizor is a true ladykiller.

And Dim, why do you ask? Wanna give me a call.

queeq out

I have a cell phone but I just got this one ( my old one was analog, this is digital) and I just got the first bill and its all screwed up. Yeesh.

Xizor, I know the emporer did it, but it was intended to send a message in your direction. However, we know you are not easily intimidated, being a TOWER OF POWER.

I've had a cell phone for a long time but with all the bad publicity thet're recieving with EM and the link to cancer, I'm seriously thinking about getting rid of mine.

I don't use it nearly as much as I used to, in the car is about it.

I don't have one, I don't want one. I'll hold out as long as I possibly can.

queeq out

I think they'll eventually prove that they are bad for you, just like smoking, fatty foods, alchahol, breathing, walking, running and just anout anything else you might want to enjoy.

So who ENJOYS a cell phone?

queeq out

Any woman who can talk on nit for hours to her mother and NOT ACTUALLY SAY ANYTHING WORTHWHILE.

Oops, sorry, wifes bill came in on Saturday. Haven't quite recovered yet...

Anyway, that wasn't the point I was trying to make.

Point well taken.

queeq out

The first list is so true

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.


This one is true

you better have

PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means that. PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse.

If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys. (which gets them in more trouble)

these 2 were hilarious

well i'm not normally mean so i think i'd mean it in the nice way

Women live to complain and moan, it's how god made them, there's nothing anyone can do about this. But even so, I'm going to make my gf read this in hopes that it brings some logic to her mind.

BF you are being extremely hopeful, if you meet a chick who understands logic marry her immediately, I'll come to the wedding

well some of them are true

that is quite possibly the most accurate thing i've ever heard. Ratcat you truly are a God amongst men

I can go find a male one

I've actually heard many of those from my husband already, so they must be true!!

Go ahead, all the male ones assume every male on earth drinks beer and watches sports in all of their free time, which simply isn't true. The female ones assume that all females lack common sense and logic, and take everything way to seriously for their own good, which for the most part, is true.

Whoever made those up must be gay, because they sure as hell aren't gonna get a woman talking like that!

Yeah you go BF we don't drink beer and watch sports in all of our free time, oh wait that's almost exactly what I do, d'oh.

I can name some activities that guys do in their free time that isn't booze or tv related.... well, you can actually link them back to it

Go on then.

litterally???
it's still PG-13 corran!

Playing squash is PG-13 eek

but it's not fun if the squashball is crushed in the wrong way

What about ping-pong eek

speed isn't the best solution ... from time to time it's the best though

Then what about tennis ? Large playing field allowing for strategy and strength at the same time

a bit of american football should be in it too... power