>>Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards are
>>bestowed, honouring the least Evolved among us. Here then, are the
>>glorious
>>winners for 2003.
>>
>>The 2003 Darwin Award Winners:
>>
>>1. When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended
>>victim
>>during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot
>>did
>>something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and
>>tried
>>the trigger again. This time it worked.....
>>
>>And now, the honourable mentions:
>>
>>2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat
>>cutting
>>machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his
>>insurance company. The company suspecting negligence, sent out one of its
>>men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. >>The
>>chef's claim was approved.
>>
>>
>>3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his
>>car
>>during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his Vehicle to find a woman had
>>taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
>>
>>
>>4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus
>>driver
>>found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from
>>Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the
>>driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free
>>ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the
>>staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre
>>fantasies.
>>The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
>>
>>
>>5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from
>>serious
>>head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received >>the
>>injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close >>he
>>could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
>>
>>
>>6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
>>counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the
>>man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the
>>clerk
>>promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving
>>the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the
>>drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a
>>crime committed?)
>>
>>
>>7. A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask
>>and
>>carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE,
>>MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A **** UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent.
>>
>>Then the s******s started. The security guard completely lost
>>it and
>>doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about
>>to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got
>>him.
>>The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the
>>banker
>>later put a plaque on the wall engraved with the words, "Freeze,
>>mother-stickers, this is a ****-up!"
>>
>>8. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He
>>decided that
>>he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some
>>booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head >>at
>>the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the
>>head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of
>>Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
>>
>>
>>9. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man
>>grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman
>>was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.
>>Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put
>>him in
>>the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the
>>car
>>and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied,
>>"Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
>>
>>10. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked
>>into a
>>Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded
>>cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash
>>register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk
>>said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked
>>away.
>>
>>
>>A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!
>>
>>11. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home
>>parked on
>>a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived >>at
>>the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near
>>spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to
>>steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage
>>tank
>>by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying
>>that
>>it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
Because alot of them involve the person still being there and as far as I knew, the Darwin award HAD to go to someone who had removed themsleves from the gene pool. It;s not about being dumb, it's about being dumb AND making sure you no longer contributed to humanity. That was the Darwin bit of it- that people that stupid should do the honourable thing and die. If they are still there they have not really Darwined.
__________________
"We've got maybe seconds before Darth Rosenberg grinds everybody into Jawa burgers and not one of you buds has the midi-chlorians to stop her!"
"You've never had any TINY bit of sex, have you?"
BtVS
Last edited by Ushgarak on Jan 30th, 2004 at 12:11 PM
Here is an earlier made-upDarwin. You will note that this one specifically notes the exception of the person being still alive:
"Is there such a thing as safe sex?? Here's a late entry for the Darwin Awards an award generally given out posthumously for the most stupid way to die - if there is such a thing.
A pre-med student from the University of Arizona was looking to score big with his date on a Friday night. Determined to put the girl in the mood, he drove her up to a spot on Mount Lemmon which overlooked the city of Tucson. They walked to an open knoll where they could see the city lights. Overcome by the romantic locale, she succumbed to his pleas and they stripped down, made a bed of their clothes, and passionately began making love.
The heavy storm clouds rolling overhead and the low rumble of thunder inside them excited the lovers even more. At the first few flashes of lightning, they never looked up to see the charred remains of once great trees. Their idyllic clearing was a hotbed of electrical activity during the warm desert nights. With a blinding light, a bolt of lightning struck the high point on the knoll, which happened to be the pre-med student's ass, and sought the path of least resistance -- straight down!
Incredibly, he survived, but was in excruciating pain. The heat of the lightning had fused together flesh and latex so that the lovers were now stuck together like a pair of dogs. The girl, unfortunately, did NOT survive the lightning strike! When the student looked down into the vacant eyes of his girlfriend and realized she was dead, his immediate repulsion caused him to jerk away from her, which of course, he couldn't! A wave of pain and nausea made him vomit into the girl's face and open mouth! Heaving only caused more pain and repeated vomiting until he finally passed out.
Attracted by the smell of food, a bear found its way to the Siamese lovers and began to lick semi-digested pizza and buffalo wings from the dead girl's face. The student came to, but when he saw the bear, there was little he could do but lay there silently in fear. To his horror, the bear became dissatisfied with just a lick and started to eat the girl, loudly crunching her facial bones only inches from his ear. The bear also tasted the student, scraping the back of his skull with its teeth, before moving on. Around mid-morning a group of junior girl scouts, up for a fun weekend camp-out, arrived at the campsite where the pre-med student's car was parked. It was only a matter of minutes before three screaming girls discovered the student, who had regained consciousness several times in the night and had managed to drag himself and the partially-eaten girl about 20-feet.
Doctors managed to successfully separate the student from the corpse, but Mr. Happy looked like a small piece of cauliflower in its flaccid state. The first hint of arousal resulted in so much pain, that the student was unable -- and unwilling to achieve an erection. Future surgeries may produce a reasonably functioning penis, but the student's family jewels, referred to by the doctors as the "scrotum mass," are irreparable.
Although most Darwin Awards are supposed to be won posthumously, we think this guy deserves consideration since he successfully removed himself from the gene pool."
__________________
"We've got maybe seconds before Darth Rosenberg grinds everybody into Jawa burgers and not one of you buds has the midi-chlorians to stop her!"
Oh my...this is quite disturbing. In a stupidity kind of way..
__________________
"If your life is such that you're placing all your hopes in a politician, then may I humbly suggest you get yourself a crate of superlager and a cardboard box and stop wasting everyone's time''
I love Darwin awards!!! A few years ago I was on the train with some of my friends (coming back from my birthday) and my friend Ashley had a Darwin Awards book...here's some more I found on the site.
Sadly, I can't find my favorite...where a scuba-diver was found dead in the middle of a forest.
__________________
“You didn't kill him. He would have killed you, but you didn't kill him.”
“So? He was stupid. If I killed everyone who was stupid I wouldn't have time to sleep.”
“You didn't kill him. He would have killed you, but you didn't kill him.”
“So? He was stupid. If I killed everyone who was stupid I wouldn't have time to sleep.”
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Jan 28th, 2004 08:57 AM
