Is it just me, or has anyone else noticed that Sam is the true badass of the films. Think about it, if it weren't for him, Frodo would have pussed out like 30 times. Lets make a list of the asskickery of Samwise...
-Sam knows from the start that Gollum is bad news. But Frodo is all pansy about it "oh, you don't know what he's gone through, boohoo". But Sam's like "shut up, cook me some food, woman, you'll see". He, of course, was correct.
-He fights off Shelob all by himself after Frodo got his shit ruined by her. Samwise made that spider his woman. What we didn't see in the film is samwise forcing penetration upon Shelob after he stabbed her with his sword. He pimped her hard.
-Then, later, he sneaks into the tower that Frodo is being held captive, and kills 3 orcs gaurding him. That's right, 3. He screwed them up hardcore. They all pissed themselves when they saw him, because they knew he was the uber hobbit.
-He has possesion of the ring for a while. But is barely tempted by it. The only time he hesitates is when Frodo wants it back, and that is because he knows Frodo is such a pansy about it, he knows he could be a better ring bearer. But he doesn't want Frodo to be completely useless, so he gives it back to him, all the while prepared to off frodo in an instant if the ring turns him.
-As they are on their way up mount doom, Sam's pimpness truley shines. He warns frodo to get down as Sauron's gaze crosses them. Then, he actually does the work for Frodo by carrying that pansy up Mount doom to the doorway. He then ruins Gollums shit with a big freaking rock. And slices his gut.
-Then in Mount Doom, Samwise is sitting there telling Frodo to drop the ring, but Frodo gets all lame and is all "the ring is mine" and disapears. Now, here's where things get shady. Gollum then sneaks up behind Same, because he knows if he tried to take Sam on face to face, Sam would have forced Gollum to give him fellatio before tossing him into the lava. Anyways, Sam is knocked out cold for the whole finale. Here's what I think would have happened had Sam not been unconcious.
Sam would have turned to see Gollum, grabed him by his nipples and tossed him off the bridge and into the Lava. He then would have turned and yelled at Frodo. Frodo would have been scared and would take off the ring. Then, sam would take it from him and toss it into the lava....Then he would have slapped Frodo around with his undoubtably large member before tossing him into the Lava for being such a puss. He then would have ran outside, hijacked a Nazguhl, and flown over Saurons eye, where he would have taken a massive dump and knock over the Tower of Saurons eye.
Anyways, you get the idea. Samwise is the true hero of the story. It's no wonder he gets the chick and knocks her up within five seconds of being married to her. Then, Frodo is all "boohoo, the shire is ruined for me, I have to go away, wahhhhh". And sam pretened to care.
Does anyone else realize how much ass Sam kicked? Seriously, I think if Sauron came and reformed, Sam would have ripped him a new one with his giant hobbit wiener. Holy crap, Sam was cool.
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"God has no place within these walls! Just as facts have no place within organized religion." - The Simpsons
Saw was definitely better cut out to be a ring bearer, he probably could have offed Frodo from the beginning and taken it by himself, beginning to end, no sweat.
Frodo sucked he was all freaking out since the begging.. SAM THE RING IS TAKING OVER ME" thats when sam had to come in and be johnny law. he was indeed the real pimp of the movies.
If samewise was the ring bearer, he would have just swallowed the ring as soon as he found out how bad it was. And his super stomach acid would have disolved it. He then would have walked up to Mordor and ate Sauron.
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"God has no place within these walls! Just as facts have no place within organized religion." - The Simpsons
KMC Community Forums
Aug 25th, 2004 09:22 AM
Sam is a pimp, no doubt about it.
