The mask of inscrutability, or are you really you?
The question occurred to yours truly whilst having a wonderful conversation with the one and only Smodden on the phone last night, but I feel as if it was hovering on the edge of my conscious mind ever before. Strangely enough, a survey of this kind was assigned to me in our Middle-earth club at school today. And it was specifically asked for the Middle-earth fans only, so I sure hope this wouldn’t be moved or something. I will try to make it articulate to the extent I’m able to (being of not a great master in the field of psychology, that is)
Allegedly, coming around here we all wear masks – our nicks, avatars, etc. By mask, I don’t mean consciously assuming a role, pretending you're an entirely different person. What I mean is showing one aspect of your personality more than the others. Here, on KMC, I let my love for Tolkien and his works show more than I do in “real” life because that's what the place is about. At school, I show more of my love for academic stuff, and while singing, I show more my love of singing and music. But none of these are different “roles”, they are me but different parts of me brought forth more in that situation than in another situation. Perhaps this is what I’m trying to say but then “mask” would be an inappropriate word because it is something one hides behind. Assuming a role gives the impression of “putting on an act.” What would be the correct word for what I'm trying to say?
Anyway, forced to consider this, I can’t help noticing shadowy_blue is not exactly Solina Alvinez. I suspect that the Girl behind the Blue Shadow (or something profound like that) is sometimes less thoughtful and reasonable than her Forum counterpart. After all, she does not, in real life, have the luxury of reviewing and moderating everything that she says before she says it.
But shadowy_blue is not an act, exactly, but she is more of a well thought-out two-dimensional image of SA. s-b is very important to me, because we share great interests: we both love Middle-earth. s-b and I are both writers. We are both confident in what we are saying; we both like kids, we both love animals, and are both excellent students.
On the other hand, I see s-b being a little different from her real life counterpart.
s-b doesn't ever lose her temper, and SA is notorious ( ). s-b can't be touched by stress, and SA is a full to bursting with it, as calm as she may seem to people who don't know her well. s-b has infinite patience, while SA just wants to be in the moment (while still following rules she sets for herself)
shadowy_blue is who I am when I am involved in art, be it music, reading, or writing. She is SA, but she is a more concise form of SA. When I am reading, lost in another world; when I am writing, lost in my own creation; when I am singing or listening to music, caught up in the melody; that is when I am shadowy_blue. It is my extreme calm that nothing can break, s-b is the serene part of me that shows when my imagination and creativity is flowing, which brings me to my other point:
For some strange reason, people haven’t given me any nickname (well, except for that cheesy petname that my family gave me which I won’t even mention here ) That’s why I’ve given myself my own nicknames, and I've come to see most of them as aspects of myself. I AM all of these people, all of the time, but they each show most clearly at certain times.
When I am with the people I’m comfortable with, I am Solina. I'm not putting on a front, I am not showing them what they want to see, I'm showing them every bit of me that pops up, and because they are close to me, they do want to see Solina.
Most of you guys see me as shadowy_blue. You see the part of me that contains all of my pointless knowledge, and you see my carefully contemplated thoughts about stuff beyond everyday things.
My parents see Solina2 (a different SA). They see the student, the essay writer, the fairly laidback innocent homegirl (lol ) the polite youngster. I don't show them the angsty, stressed out teenager with a penchant for Sean Bean and Eric Bana. I don’t show them the sexual side of me because they don't want to see that, nor would they understand it if they did. They do see the romantic side of me though. They know that I’m in love, with a certain guy named Joshua Gassett.
Anyway, SA has a Ruske counterpart named Mattvae Mikhaelovich Sergeiov Omordova Heimovitz (that, if you'd like to know is not my real name ) She contains most of SA’s undesirable traits, but plated as good. MMSOH (as I've come to call her) IS condescending in her attitude. She is tyrannical, oppressive, overbearing, argumentative, and temperamental. She is also a boyar of pre-communist Russia and the dictator of the small but feisty country of Combatsylvania, inhabited by the belligerent Combatsylvanian Myrmidons. Trust me, I have no idea in all Arda what the hell I just said. Anyway, she always comes out sparingly, mostly in heated arguments, and I admit that I have let her type for me once or twice, but very little, and I often let s-b bowdlerize each of her “contributions.”
To end this, we show other people the parts of us that they will best understand and appreciate. I don't speak with my full vocabulary in school, because most of my peers would have no clue what the heck I'm talking about. I don't talk about relationships with my father, or explosives with my mother. My sister doesn't hear about serious issues, because she will just laugh at my face. My "mask" of shadowy_blue is the part of me that I think will be appreciated here at KMC. I sincerely hope that made some amount of sense.
So, the question comes down to trivial “is it just me, or have you noticed something similar?” If so, please share.
__________________
Last edited by shadowy_blue on Feb 4th, 2005 at 02:30 AM
I understand where you're coming from, s_b. In front of the band, I'm a cussing SOB... but here, I rarely lose my temper. I am like you my friend...
At school I am a straight A student, an angel. Here, I'm as laid back as I could be. But I wouldn't call it a mask, just my true colors. I'm more at ease here than anywhere else.
I've always pretended to be someone else, but don't have to be here. Ennyjay Elessar, my Ranger counterpart, is nowhere close to my thoughts. I'm just Shadowskill.
__________________ I love KMAN forever and ever
Thanks Swe_Bum for my siggy
If we're nothing more than our thoughts and passions, and if our thoughts and passons are nothing more than movements of our souls, then we are nothing more than those who move us...
Our every thought stems from the thoughts of others, everything we say is a repetition of what was said before... if it is only after that we understand what has come before, then we understand nothing.
We are what others think we are...
In addition:
While I like nothing more than to wax philosophical; in the the simplest form, each and everyone of us is like a tree...
the trunk being who we are, the roots our histories and past influences, the branches and leaves are what we strive to become based on our roots...
you can think outside the box, or be different from anyone else and think it new and original and unique... but, then so has everyone else
Last edited by Fëanor on Feb 5th, 2005 at 12:19 AM
It was a wrong move starting this thread to begin with. It's just a waste of space. You’re right. How naive was I to actually think that a lot of people will take my threads seriously? I’m too optimistic. And it’s getting stupider and stupider.
It was never stupid, shadow, i rather like it... but the minds of many are too far simple to comprehend complexity...
far too many are weaned on instand media: tv, music, movies, readers digest....
to go beyond that, is to invite responses with meaning that has no meaning, the layers too many and involved... hidden away, as Sauron or the Innkeeper onced put it, beneath verbal diarrhea...
Ok, enought for the foolish posts (yes I actually said that)
And by the way, s_b, this thread ain't stupid.
Firstly, the part that you share as sb is a part of SA, you cannot deny it.
Sb is the part that you show to us, but it is still a part of you.
Like me, I act and say "stupid" stuff sometimes on KMC and that's the part I want to share. And it's a part of me. But in real life, I'm studying in health sciences and want to become a doctor. I'm particuliary good in philosophy (no, it doesn't show on KMC) and history, plus all the sciences. That's me, but ME contains also the funny guy, which I let out here more than in real life. In reality, I'm probably the most serious guy I know . Does that solve your thoughts?
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And it was specifically asked for the Middle-earth fans only, so I sure hope this wouldn’t be moved or something. I will try to make it articulate to the extent I’m able to (being of not a great master in the field of psychology, that is)
). s-b can't be touched by stress, and SA is a full to bursting with it, as calm as she may seem to people who don't know her well. s-b has infinite patience, while SA just wants to be in the moment (while still following rules she sets for herself)
) That’s why I’ve given myself my own nicknames, and I've come to see most of them as aspects of myself. I AM all of these people, all of the time, but they each show most clearly at certain times.
) the polite youngster. I don't show them the angsty, stressed out teenager with a penchant for Sean Bean and Eric Bana. I don’t show them the sexual side of me because they don't want to see that, nor would they understand it if they did. They do see the romantic side of me though. They know that I’m in love, with a certain guy named Joshua Gassett. 
Feb 4th, 2005 02:23 AM
