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SeBr3
Junior Member
Gender: Unspecified
Location: United States |
 Heres my Matrix story.
Greetings, this is my Matrix story that i wrote one night, please feel free to critique it or post a comment, or post your own story. Enjoy:
"hey, you're not suppose to be in here!" yelled a security guard to a mysterious figure. "How'd you get past the front desk?"
"Like this!" the figure replied as she drew two Night Hawk pistols out. She sent three bullets into the guards stomach. He flopped over dead as the figure reloaded her two pistols. Suddenly her phone rang.
"Yea?"
"Niboe, we got a problem"
What is it sparks?" the figured replied.
"they know you here, they've got the whole building sorrounded, and they called in SWAT, you've gotta get the file and go!" expained Sparks.
"Got it, whats the plan?" Niobe asked as she looked outside a nearby window and saw cop cars and SWAT trucks parked outside. "shit" she said under her beath.
"Look to your right, there should be a door, go through it, and head up the staircase to the ninth floor."
"okay." replied Niboe as she followed sparks orders and hurried out the door.
"I'll inform you of any further changes, oh and Niobe?" sparks asked
"Yea?"
"Watch you back."
At this Niboe turned around just in time to see a guard that had crept up behind her. She lept at the guard and kicked him hard in the jaw. The guard went hurling towards a wall. He hit the wall and fell to the carpeted floor unconscious.
Niobe started the climb up the to the nineth floor. When she reached the sixth floor, she started being fired upon. Three SWAT members stood on the stairs inbetween the second and third floor. Niobe quicly hurried up the remaining stairs.
"We got her. she inbetween the 7th and 8th floor at staircase D. shes headed for the ninth floor,we need to ambush her!" yelled one of the SWAT members into his security walkie-talkie.
Niboe's phone rang. "Yea?"
"We got more problems!"
thats it so far, i gotta go do some stuff, ill write some more when i get back, i hope you like it so far. 
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Nov 2nd, 2003 11:32 PM |
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forumcrew
Senior Member
 Gender: Male
Location: United States |
.............
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Nov 2nd, 2003 11:36 PM |
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JediHDM
Jedi of the Matrix
 Gender: Male
Location: United States |
ditto
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FOR THE MOTHERLAND!! KMC KGB
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Nov 3rd, 2003 01:11 AM |
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SeBr3
Junior Member
Gender: Unspecified
Location: United States |
ok, im back, heres the new stuff:
"What?!?"
"DONT OPEN THE DOOR ON FLOOR NINE!" yelled sparks.
"why?" replied Niobe as she paused moments before she would have open the door.
"There's an ambush waiting for u on the other side of that door. You'll have to go to the sixth floor, and go to stair E, that will let you sneak right behind the ambush on floor nine." explained sparks as he studied the srcolling numbers on his three computers back in the real world.
"Ok, whats the new plan?" replied Niboe as she started heading to the sixth floor.
"when you open the door to the sixth floor there should be a long hallway, at the end of the hallway theres a door, open it. It will lead you to another staircase, head up it to the ninth floor and then sneak past the ambush."
"ok, where can i get a better gun, might night hawks are almost empty? asked Nibobe
"Theres a guard to the left when you enter the sixth floor, take him out quickly, before he calls for reinforciments, then take his gun, he should have a SMG.
"Ok, thanks sparks,"
Niobe put her phone back into her pocket and opened the sixth floor door. As soon as she entered she turned to the left and found the guard Sparks had told her about. Before the guard has a moment to react, Niobe punched him hard in the gutt. The guard fell to the ground gasping for breath. Niobe finished the job with the last bullets in her night hawks. She picked up the guards SMG and continued on.
She ran down the hallway and opened the door leading to stairs E. Niobe jumped up the stairs until she reached floor 9. Her phone rang and Sparks instructed her further.
"Okay, behind the door is a guard with his back turned. Seank in and knock him out quietly, from behind, then take a right, yoiu'll be running down a hallway with office cubicals on either side. At the end of the hallwau take a left. count to ten as you run, on Ten, you should be near a small hallway to your left, that hallway leads to stairs D, its crawling with SWAT, awaiting you arrival. you want to dive past that hallway, and then keep on going. Then take a right at the next hallway, ill call you then," instructed Sparks.
"Ok, are you sure this will work?" asked Niobe as she got ready to open the door.
"Positive"
"Good"
Niobe open the door and strangled the guard. Quietly as possible. Niobe set the guard down. She followed Sparks intrustions perfectly, then she reached the SWAT covered hallway. She pressed her back against the wall and got ready to dive past the SWAT team.
"1.2.3." Niobe said to herself. On three she dove across. She went unoticed.
"Yes!" she said as she turned to the right and headed down the hallway. Her phone rang again.
"Now what?" Niobe said as she stopped for a minute to see where she was.
"take a left at the end of the hallway, then a right. then halfway down the hallway, look for a door, # 1407, il lcall you again once you get there.
"ok."
Niobe took a right, and saw two guards coming down the hallwa at the oposite side of the room. She dove into a vacant cubical and hid until the guards passed. Then she took went down the corridor to the right, unti she found 1407.
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Nov 3rd, 2003 01:18 AM |
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Metamorphisis
Mr Wizard
Gender: Male
Location: Line Trunk T-139 cable B |
uhh......hmmmmmmm.......
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You didn't come here to make the choice, you've already made it! You're only here to understand why you made it. I would've thought you'd have figured that out by now.
Have you ever had a dream, Neo, that you were so sure was real? What if you could not wake from that dream?
Who has the time? But then we can never have time if we never take time!
 Who was that masked man?!
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Nov 3rd, 2003 01:23 AM |
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SeBr3
Junior Member
Gender: Unspecified
Location: United States |
seems like u people done like it.... lol 
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Nov 3rd, 2003 01:23 AM |
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Metamorphisis
Mr Wizard
Gender: Male
Location: Line Trunk T-139 cable B |
Seber
I think it was to predictable almost...And lines almost appear to be right from the scripts of M1, AniM, and M2, just from different characters. And to much dependance on the operator phone connection I think..Niobe's character has been doing this for sometime - she wouldn't need to be helped like Neo in M1... I think you could probably do better if you really sat down and worked on it...
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You didn't come here to make the choice, you've already made it! You're only here to understand why you made it. I would've thought you'd have figured that out by now.
Have you ever had a dream, Neo, that you were so sure was real? What if you could not wake from that dream?
Who has the time? But then we can never have time if we never take time!
Who was that masked man?!
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Nov 3rd, 2003 02:17 AM |
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forumcrew
Senior Member
Gender: Male
Location: United States |
what he said
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Nov 3rd, 2003 06:37 AM |
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dragonpisces272
got coffee?
Gender: Female
Location: Where am I??? |
and this is a story you just wrote in one night, right?? I cant even barely think of any great lines in 2 nights...but the characters are okay. Yeah, it does remind me of the scene in the lobby of M1 tied into the part when Neo ran for the phone in the end of M1...
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Nov 3rd, 2003 09:30 AM |
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The Alpha
anomaly
 Gender: Unspecified
Location: |
skip the obvious things seber
but
so far so good 
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Nov 3rd, 2003 09:40 AM |
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The Alpha
anomaly
Gender: Unspecified
Location: |
so far so good
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Nov 3rd, 2003 09:41 AM |
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Ushgarak
Paladin
 Gender: Male
Location: Chelmsford, Essex, UK Co-Admin |
Shifting to General Fiction- now entering Rex's domain...
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"We've got maybe seconds before Darth Rosenberg grinds everybody into Jawa burgers and not one of you buds has the midi-chlorians to stop her!"
"You've never had any TINY bit of sex, have you?"
BtVS
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Nov 3rd, 2003 02:51 PM |
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SeBr3
Junior Member
Gender: Unspecified
Location: United States |
actually i kinda based most of it off Enter the Matrix, but just changed the setting quite a bit, but thx for the input\
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Nov 3rd, 2003 08:18 PM |
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H. S. 6
Approaching the End
 Gender: Male
Location: Ministry of Magic |
its okay... lets c how it turns out... keep on goin
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Nov 19th, 2003 02:14 PM |
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SeBr3
Junior Member
Gender: Unspecified
Location: United States |
ok, im writing it by hand, and when i type it up ill submit it,
i changed it dramiticly
its now a lot like enter the matrix, post office level, except i changed a lot, ill submit it when its done
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Nov 19th, 2003 08:32 PM |
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Vim
ILFTKYS
 Gender: Male
Location: United States |
good, because I haven't even played EtM and it was becoming boring. I think once you've revised it you will do fine, and Niobe should be more forceful, and she trusts her operator. Everyone who hacks into the Matrix should anyway!
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Witness the power of the human spirit in Clashing Forces - Reclamation! A novel by Wesley Belk (that's me!) Here's a sneak peek of the book! The power of the Human Spirit should never be underestimated!Clashing Forces Check the site out for more details!
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Nov 20th, 2003 05:09 PM |
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