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Shadowskill
The Mourning Sage

Gender: Female
Location: land of the faded

Vampire Story!

Okay, so I decided to write a book about a close encounter with vampires... It has the same characters as any of DN or my stories...

Here goes:

The Legend of O’Connor Castle

By: Jenny

Chapter One: Visitors

I was riding my horse in the field by the castle with my best friend Natalie. We had just moved to Ireland, and Natalie was going to stay the summer with us. I don’t know how we got the castle and two hundred acres of land for so little. The previous owner had told us something about a curse over the land around O’Connor Castle. But I, like any other girl my age, didn’t believe in curses.
Legend has it that O’Connor Castle is inhabited by a ruthless gang of vampires. They are of an old clan called Wolfbane. Every night, supposedly, the vampires come out to feast on the living. The are descendants of Cain, who, from the Bible, killed his brother because God chose Abel’s offering of meat over Cain’s offering of fruit.
Anyway, Natalie and I were riding our horses, which I have already mentioned. We were expecting Elizabeth, my other best friend, anytime. Elizabeth, like Natalie, was staying the summer. We were talking while we road. “Look at it this way,” Natalie explained, “You’re closer to Dakota now!” She laughed.
“It’s true,” I said. “He only lives half a continent away now.” My boyfriend, Dakota Knight, CEO of KnightVision, lived in Japan. Just then, I turned and saw a Land Rover driving up the long dirt road, dust cloud following. Natalie and I raced back to the castle, hoping to find Elizabeth. By the time we got there, our horses, DreamCatcher and Dude, were tired.
The white Land Rover was parked out front of O’Connor Castle. My mom and two older brothers were out there also, talking to the owner of the mysterious Land Rover.
“- haven’t cleared out yet?” the male voice was asking.
“No, O’Malley. If you’re worried about vampires coming for us, you can forget it.” That was Momma.
“What are you doing here anyway? We own the place, so get,” said one of my brothers.
“It’s only been two days,” sneered O’Malley. “You mark my words: you’ll see ‘em. I swear it.”
“That sounds a little odd,” Natalie whispered to me as O’Malley drove away.
“Sorry you girls had to hear that,” Mom said.
“It’s okay,” implied Natalie. “We know there’s no curse.”
“Well, at least not on this land, huh Nellie?” I laughed, elbowing her in the side.

Later that evening, as we were eating supper, we saw headlights flash down the road. “Elizabeth!” Natalie and I chorused as we ran outside. The taxi was just about to the gate when we threw open the door. The white cab stopped in front of us. Elizabeth, our best friend, jumped out of the taxi and rushed to give us a hug. That left the cab-driver, a short, red-headed gentleman, to unpack the back of the cab. Soon, the taxi pulled out of the driveway and started the long drive back to the nearest road.
We helped Elizabeth get her stuff inside the entrance door and into the dining hall. “Pizza?” she asked.
“You see all these boxes?” my mom asked. “Think we’ve unpacked our kitchen stuff yet?”
Thunder crashed and lightening sliced through the sky. “Storm tonight,” Paul, my brother, mentioned.
“Leave Beth’s stuff there and come eat; we’ll get it after supper,” Mom remarked.

Natalie and I showed Elizabeth her room after supper. As usual, our rooms were adjacent. Paul lit a fire in each of the fireplaces (each room had one because, even though it was summer, castles get mighty drafty). Instead of heading to our separate rooms, of course we flocked to my room to sit and talk. I looked out the window. Lightning illuminated the sky. Thunder crashed. You could see the rolling green hills of our land and the reflection of the glassy lake in the middle of our property.
Elizabeth was amazed at my room. There was a huge chamber bed on one side; a few chairs and a table on the other side; a fireplace on one wall; two or three bedside tables; and a dresser. These things were all comfortably nestled in my humongous room (and it wasn’t even the Master Room, which my mom took pride in owning). All rooms were about that big.
“Whoa, you’ve even got all your pictures hanging on the wall!” Elizabeth exclaimed.
“Yeah, but look at all these boxes,” I said, turning away from the window and pointing at the stuff lining one of my walls.

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I love KMAN forever and ever love

Thanks Swe_Bum for my siggy big grin

Apr 17th, 2004 02:31 AM

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drunk_nazgul
obscure

Gender: Female
Location: YOU ARE HERE

The coolest story! (Besides The Story)

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Apr 17th, 2004 02:47 AM

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Shadowskill
The Mourning Sage

Gender: Female
Location: land of the faded

Hi! Here's the next part all the way to the end of the chapter and a little of the beginning of the next...

“Well, maybe we could help each other unpack our stuff ‘cause I just got here today too,” suggested Natalie.
“Let’s do that!” cried Elizabeth.
We opened up boxes and put books and pictures on the shelves. Little by little, box by box, my room became a living quarter. Next, we moved on to Natalie’s room. Elizabeth, of course, found the picture of Natalie’s favorite movie star, Orlando Bloom.
“Not again!” she exclaimed.
Natalie put the picture beside her bed after kissing the photograph.
When we started to unpack Elizabeth’s things (all nine boxes. Don’t ask how she fit them in the taxi. I am still finding it hard to believe myself), James, my brother, came to the door. “All summer with you guys… My life will be a wreck!” he said.
“Well I hope the vampires get you first!” implied Elizabeth.
We girls shared a laugh. James stalked off angrily.
I looked through one of Elizabeth’s bags of clothes. You know, it’s a girl thing. “You packed all winter clothes! It’s summer here, too!” I exclaimed.
“Oops,” Elizabeth laughed.
“You can borrow some of ours,” Natalie said.
Thunder crashed, but not as loud as one might think. I looked out the window by where Natalie stood. “Calm before the storm, huh Nellie?” I asked.
“Hey, let’s go back to your room and write to your boyfriends,” suggested Elizabeth to me.
“Does Cody even know you live in Ireland?” asked Natalie.
“Does he know?! I told him after I called you guys!” I exclaimed. “Remember when I called last month?”
“I know; it was so cool when you said you were getting a fully furnished castle in Ireland. Talk about jammin’!” yelled Natalie as we headed toward my room.
There was a knock on the huge door downstairs. Curious, as usual, we headed for the hall. Momma was standing at the door talking to a police officer.
“- anyone or anything unusual?” asked the officer in a rough Irish brogue.
“No, sir. Why?” asked Mom.
“We have some people missing, nothing serious, just asking.”
“A missing person is serious, officer.”
“Just give us a call if you see anything out of the ordinary, ma’am.”
Mom closed the door in his face. Then she turned around to face us. “Too many visitors in one day,” she sighed.
The rain started pounding. More thunder and lightning followed.
“Can we have some paper, Mom?” I asked as we trailed her to the dining hall.
“Sure,” she answered. She pointed us in the direction of the study and bade us farewell. She headed to her room on the second floor.
“Night Mom!” I called after her.
Mom waved and headed for her room. “Don’t stay up too long,” she yawned.
After we got a box of paper from the study, we went up to my room to write.
“I’m going to ask Scott to buy a plane ticket and get his tail over here!” cried Natalie.
“Well, I’ll write to J.J. in heaven,” implied Elizabeth sarcastically.
We all laughed. My thoughts rested on J.J., who had risked his life to save that of the one he loved, Elizabeth. He gave up his life so Elizabeth could live and get off of Blaster’s island. (check The Story)

“Off to bed!” said Natalie upon finishing her letter.
“You want to put our letters in the mailbox?” I asked. “It’s quit raining.
“Let’s go,” Natalie said, handing me a stamp. I rounded up three flashlights and we went outside.
The wind was blowing my hair and nightgown around. “Now I know how it feels to be an Elf,” I announced.
“Welcome to my world,” remarked Natalie.
Lightning lit the sky. There was no accompanying thunder. As soon as we reached the postbox and put our letters in, Elizabeth looked at her watch. “Whoa, 11:00!” she said. “And that is Irish time!”
“Ooh, late,” I said. “We should probably get back inside. I don’t want to upset my mom.”
“I’ll race you guys!” exclaimed Elizabeth.
“You’re on!” Natalie cried, never turning down a challenge.
We ran up the long dirt road. Elizabeth won. Track team had paid off. We were exhausted by the time we reached our rooms.
I got in bed and was asleep within ten minutes. My feet were frozen from running barefoot through the grass, but I ignored it. Around twelve o’clock, a whirring sound woke me. I got out of bed and looked outside; nothing out of the ordinary. I wrapped up in my robe and went downstairs to sit in front of the fire in the great hall. I decided to take a pillow and book, since I was no longer tired. I took no light with me. The lightning was my only guidance since we had no electricity.
The fire was nearly out when I reached the hall. So, I stoked it and put more logs on. Soon I had a roaring fire once again. I sat on the couch and opened my book.
Half an hour later, I heard a knock at the door. I checked the time on my watch and got up. Then I ran to the door so the loud knocking wouldn’t wake everyone else up. Finally I reached the door and pulled it open.
“Jessica.”
Standing before me was my boyfriend, Dakota Knight.

Chapter 2: The Missing

Dakota had on a pilot’s headset; he’d been flying.
“Cody,” I said, giving him a warm embrace. “Why are you here?”
“I came to visit and see your new home,” he answered.
“At 12:30 in the morning?” I complained.
“You’re not happy to see me?”
“Who said that?” I said, still hugging him. He kissed the top of my head. I pulled off his headset. “Come on to my room.”
“Um… lead… the way?”
I took him to my room on the second floor and we both fell asleep talking to each other.

I got up before Dakota that morning; before anyone in the castle for that matter. I guessed none of us were used to European time zones. I looked out the window. Dakota’s helicopter was outside on the flattest part of the hill the castle crowned. I slipped my socks on and quietly left the room.
Downstairs the fire had gone completely out. Luckily, it was warm that morning. My pillow, book, and Dakota’s headset were lying on the couch. I picked up the book and the headset so I could sit down on the couch.
I began to read:

‘All are weary, and very many have wounds light or grievous,’ said Eomer, ‘and we have suffered much loss of our horses, and that is ill to bear.’

I paused here and laughed. “Horse Lords,” I said.
“What are you reading?” came Dakota’s sleepy voice. He was standing on the stairwell. I looked up at him.
“ The Return of the King ,” I answered.
“One of my favorites,” he said and sat down next to me. I put my head on his shoulder and we both read for a while.

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I love KMAN forever and ever love

Thanks Swe_Bum for my siggy big grin

Apr 19th, 2004 02:54 AM

Mortal_Elf
~*Alien Probed Acorns*~

Gender: Female
Location: Taking my electric sheep for a walk

This great! I love the way its written, very nice! And I love vampire stories, so, even better! thumb up

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You're like acne...no matter what I do, you won't go away...and that blows...

Apr 30th, 2004 11:56 PM

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drunk_nazgul
obscure

Gender: Female
Location: YOU ARE HERE

See, SS? People actually like your stories. Mine? They're dumb. Keep going.

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May 3rd, 2004 09:45 PM

Shadowskill
The Mourning Sage

Gender: Female
Location: land of the faded

people like your stories too. Know how I know? It's called reading replies...

__________________
I love KMAN forever and ever love

Thanks Swe_Bum for my siggy big grin

May 5th, 2004 09:21 PM

Shadowskill
The Mourning Sage

Gender: Female
Location: land of the faded

Here's some more... it'll keep you guessing, if you haven't already figured it out...

At ten o’clock the castle began to stir. Natalie was the first to wake. She yawned and came down the stairs.
“Sleep well?” Dakota asked.
“Yeah, I – Dakota?!” she yelled. She ran to the couch and gave Dakota a hug. “Long time no see!”
“Same to you,” he said. “Got here this morning.” He leaned back.
“… at 12:30 this morning,” I put in. I laid the book on the couch and got up.
“Jess?” It was Elizabeth. She was standing on the steps with my mom. “Why is Dakota here? I thought he had a big company to run over there in Japan.”
“I thought I heard a boy in your room…” Mom laughed.
“Mom !” I’m sure my face was glowing crimson. I turned to hide my face.
“Well, I guess I’m going to go cook some breakfast. Do me a favor and wake your brothers.” Mom strutted out of the room. We heard a metallic sound coming from the kitchen; Mom had unpacked the pots and pans.
“You heard her,” I sighed. “I’ll be back.” I left the room and headed up the stairs. Why was my brothers’ room so far down the hall? It seemed like I walked forever. Finally I made it to my door. Just half a hall to go, I told myself. Next I passed Natalie’s room. Finally I made it their room. “Get up,” I said, opening the door.
Two heads peeked out from under blankets. “Yeah…” Paul said, and then he dropped his head and started snoring. I slammed the door, and walked back down the hall, snickering. “Fine then, miss breakfast. I tried to tell you.”
James looked out the door. “Breakfast? Hold up!”

Elizabeth, Natalie, and I spent the day with Dakota. Then, Elizabeth and Natalie gave me some alone time with him, and we talked about his little brother, Matt. At dusk, I fell asleep, watching the sun set.

Sometime during the night I awoke. Dakota was apparently asleep. He was slumped over in a chair beside my bed. I got up on impulse, trying to keep silent. Dakota shifted, mumbling in his sleep, but he did not stir. I crept across the floor and out the door. Natalie’s door was opened slightly. Light streamed into the hallway.
“Nellie, you awake?” I whispered pushing the door open quietly so, if she was asleep, it would not rouse her. Natalie was sitting by the window that faced Dakota’s helicopter. She was taking in the night air. As I walked to her, she said, “All of Ireland lies in the realm of slumber.”
“Not all of it,” I implied. “You and I are still awake.” I sat down next to her, watching the bats flutter by the window. Finally, bored, I got up.
“Where are you goin’?” Natalie asked.
“I need some water; you coming?”
“Sure; let me put my socks on.”
We left Natalie’s room and sneaked down the hall past the darkened rooms and down the stairs to the kitchen. Three candles were lit and the huge generator we brought was hooked to the stove, which, I might add, was on. Natalie noticed it first off. “Jess, your stove is on. Was someone down?”
“Why are you asking me? I just got up,” I implied. I turned the stove off, succeeding in also burning my hand as I reached over the stovetop. “Ow! It’s been on for a long time,” I said, rubbing my sore hand.
“Well, remind me to scold whoever left it on,” Natalie laughed.
I got a glass of water and we went into the living room. As I sat down, a million thoughts were racing through my mind. The house could have caught fire. Then I told myself, You’re in a castle! Castles don’t burn!
Natalie stoked the fire and threw me a blanket. Then she sat next to me on the couch. “Get warm,” she whispered. Natalie was looking around the room. She must have noticed something out the window.
“What? What is it?” I asked.
“Something just flew by the window,” she answered. I looked out the window; nothing but the moon. Natasha was pale with fright.
“Look, there’s nothing there; I’ll show you,” I said. I pushed her to the door and she looked outside. She stepped out into the driveway.
“Oh my God, I’m not seeing this,” she stepped back, white with sickness.
“Nellie?” I staggered to the door and outside the stronghold’s vast exit. What befell my eyes was the most horrible spectacle. A collie dog lay beside our door, its entire throat ripped out.

__________________
I love KMAN forever and ever love

Thanks Swe_Bum for my siggy big grin

May 6th, 2004 10:17 PM

drunk_nazgul
obscure

Gender: Female
Location: YOU ARE HERE

That's the part I remember most.

Oh, and I read replies too. People just reply to yours more readily.

KEEP GOING!
That part was the creepfest one.

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May 6th, 2004 10:52 PM

Dark princess
***fallen angel***

Gender: Female
Location: out getting baked thats all you nee

I WROTE THIS ONE DO YOU LIKE IT?

You brought me all the way out here just to look at a crypt?"

Spike rolled his eyes, wishing for one, just one vampire friend who could appreciate this. "It's not just a crypt," he explained patiently, "it's my new digs. What do you think? Some potted plants, a few throw pillows..."

"Spike." Willow shook her head and gave the tall blonde a crooked smile. "It's a place where dead people are laying in tombs. There's not much you could do that would make it look homey to me."

"You're being narrow-minded." Now he was getting irritated. He'd been so caught up in the idea of finally getting out of Xander's basement that he hadn't really considered the asthetics of his new habitat, simply that it would be big enough for him to sleep in. "Use your imagination, Red. Think evil, like me. It's dark, it's cold, it's forbidding..."

"It's a big marble block." Willow cocked an eyebrow. "I thought you were looking into places with electricity and stuff so that you could refrigerate your...food."

Spike smirked as the young woman tripped over the mention of his feeding habits, then promptly returned to his regularly scheduled annoyance. "I don't even know why I'm asking you," he gave her a disgusted roll of his dark eyes, "you're just a silly slayer wanna-be with no boyfriend and an oddly layered haircut."

For a moment, Willow was taken aback, stung. Then she remembered who was doing the talking. "And you're so much better off?" she asked, eyes wide with incredulity. "Mr. I Can't Bite Any Living Creature So I Sulk All Day and Watch Soap Operas?"

Spike opened his mouth to reply, but she cut him off.

"May I remind you that I'm the one who's always sticking up for you, always taking your side, always sneaking you cookies? If it wasn't for me, the others would have let you stake yourself by now, you big baby."

"Ha!" Spike stiffened and gave the witch his most haughty stare. "You'd like to think that you're my savior, wouldn't you, Red? Well, in case you failed to notice, I have tried several times to bite you. Several times in a row, in fact. If it weren't for those Army assholes, you'd be calling me Master by now, you little twit!"

"Twit?" Willow was now well and truly seething. "At least I do some good around here. You're entirely worthless. All you can do is wail on demons and ***** about not being able to kill people! I'm the one who convinced Buffy not to stake you, you know." Actually, that wasn't quite true, but she'd be damned if she'd let him get the better of her.

"Well, thank you so much, Saint Willow." Spike's pulse was nearing normal, which in vampire terms was somehwere close to cardiac arrest. For the first time in months, he was feeling something besides suicidal. What he was feeling he couldn't exactly put his finger on, but whatever it was, he was enjoying it. "You know, Buffy's G.I. boyfriend and his little cronies almost unloaded a submachine gun into your sorry ass, but I stopped them. What have you got to say to that, Oh Immaculate One?"

"Immaculate?" Willow's fists were curled into tight balls at her sides. "I'm not some simpering little girl, you know. I may not be the Slayer, but I go up against rampaging demons and vampire armies too. I don't even want to think about how many times I've come close to dying."

"Well, alert the media." Spike spread his arms wide and addressed the empty cemetary. "Everybody rejoice, Willow's still alive! She's ****ing indestructible, ladies and gentleman! She certainly doesn't need me to help her out of near-fatal situations, because she's got it all figured out!"

"You'd think," Willow hissed, "that someone as old as you would be just a little more mature."

"Ouch." Spike put a hand to his chest, as though he'd been shot. "That one went right for the heart, didn't it? Buffy should just let you at the baddies with your razor-sharp wit. That'd teach 'em to mess with the forces of good!"

"I can't believe that I went out of my way to be nice to you!" Willow wailed. "This whole semester has been torture for me, what with Oz leaving and everyone else finding their true love, and yet you stand here and make fun of me like...like it's high school all over again." Willow's lower lip began to tremble and she bit it, hard. There was no way she was going to cry in front of Spike. No way. She was all cried out, by God.

Spike hesitated. Usually he delighted in getting in a few good hits against the Slayer and her little friends, but if Red started bawling all over the place, he had the horrible feeling that he wouldn't enjoy it at all. What had happened to him? Whatever the Initiative had implanted in him was obviously affecting his mental functions as well as his physical ones.

"Look," he shifted awkwardly and shoved his hands into the deep pockets of his duster. "I know that the others gave you shit about the whole wolf thing." He kept his eyes fixed on his boots. Maybe it would be better if he had at least one of the Slayer's brats on his side. "I know...ugh. I know how it feels to be bereaved of your love. When Dru wouldn't come back to me I thought I was going to cave in, you know? Just crumble to the ground and never be able to stand up again. And then I took Harm, because I thought that if I had someone, 'lighter' I guess is the word, then I wouldn't have to be alone, and I wouldn't have to worry about getting in so deep. But it sucked anyway. She drove me absolutely batty. And then I get neutered and can't even bite anyone, and I'm suddenly hanging around my sworn enemies, and everybody loathes me..." he looked up at her, surprised to see that she wasn't laughing at him, but rather watching him silently, brow furrowed in thought.

"You were the only one who treated me like I wasn't some burden. When I went looking for the Slayer and found you...well, I offered you a choice, but truth be told, Red, I wasn't going to give you one. Killing you was never in the plan. I always kind of liked you. You're an odd one...but in an interesting way. After nearly two centuries, most people just blend into one big oblivious human machine, bumbling around like a merry idiot. But you always seem to know exactly what's happening. And when I couldn't bite you, couldn't turn you...I was so ****ing angry I thought I was going to breathe fire. Not just because I couldn't drain you, but because I couldn't...have you."

She said nothing, but her luminous eyes were huge.

"And now I feel like the biggest goddamned pansy that ever walked the earth."

Willow smiled and stifled a giggle, but Spike didn't find anything about it humorous. In fact, this was quickly becoming revelatory in a way he wasn't prepared to deal with. She wasn't his type at all, for Christ's sake. "Sure," he grumbled, "laugh at me. You should. I'm just a bloody clown at this point, anyway. If any other vampires were around to see this, they'd stake me on the spot."

Willow didn't know how to process any of what he'd just said to her, but she was sure now that it wasn't just her soft heart that had always been willing to support Spike. "You don't...", her own voice, thick with emotion, surprised her. "You can't know how what you said makes me feel. I don't know how it makes me feel. You're a vampire and you're, you know, handsome and sexy and all black leathery. You could have anyone. The thought that you even considered making me a vampire is unbelieveable. I always thought I was so lucky to have Oz, but in the back of my mind I always thought that the reason he liked me was because he was strange, and I was strange. We fit. But no normal person...or non-person...would ever want me. So thank you. And...I kind of like you too. Even though you're a total jackass."

Spike smiled widely, suddenly dazzlingly happy and only slightly alarmed at his dazzling happiness. "So you...think I'm handsome do you?"

Willow blushed from neck to hairline. "I'm leaving." She turned and began walking away.

"The leather does it for you, does it?" He called after her. "I knew it all along!"

"Screw you," she retorted, but to his ears it sounded like a gentle melody. Dru had left him, Oz had left her...and no one gave a second thought to either of them. He had a feeling that everything was changing, that the stars were aligning his way again.

"So," he hollered as her form began to dissolve into the distance. "Pick you up at eight?"

*End*

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May 25th, 2004 12:46 AM

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Dark princess
***fallen angel***

Gender: Female
Location: out getting baked thats all you nee

I wrote this one to

"Nobody cares about me, Mister Bunny," Willow moaned, flopping onto Xander's folded up hide-a-bed. She gave the stuffed rabbit hanging by its neck from a rope off of the lamp a baleful look. "I might as well be a member of the Donner Party. At least then I'd have been eaten. And eating someone else is a sign of caring. Just look at Spike! He eats those he cares about."

The redhead looked over at the blond vampire kneeling half-clothed on the floor next to the orange, comfy recliner. Empty bottles of McEwan's Scotch Ale were scattered around him. She watched as he carefully added another bottle to the tower he was building.

"What'cha doing?" Willow asked.

"Aye, missy, wot does it look like I be doin'?" Spike replied, sounding like Groundskeeper Willie from the Simpson's. "I'm buildin' a bleedin' castle."

"Um, Spike, weren't you British a few minutes ago?" she said.

"Aye."

Willow flopped onto her back and stared up at the ceiling. "I have the weirdest friends."

"And who be sayin' that I's yer friend, missy?" Spike said.

"**** you, Spike."

Spike's eyes lit up. "Really?"

"Psheah, right," Willow snorted. "I may be inebro- inmebe- inenimenieminiemo, but I'm not that drunk."

The blond vampire crawled across the floor and up over her on the couch. He leered down at her. "You sure about that, ducks?" he purred.

"I'd rather be tortured by the Spanish Inquisition," she replied. "They could dress me in evil plaid pants and make me join the cast of Passions-"

"Hey, I like that show!"

"-and beat me repeatedly with a frying pan," she continued. "And even then I still wouldn't have... you know... with you!" She put her hands on his chest and heaved him off of her. He fell onto the floor with a thud.

"Ow."

"Serves you right, you big weenie," Willow said.

Spike sat up and glared at her. She smirked. He slid into game face and exclaimed, "'Death awaits you with nasty, big, pointy teeth!'"

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Willow screamed, causing Spike to cover his ears, as she jumped up from the couch. She bolted for the basement door leading outside. "'RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!'"

With a gleeful, fang-filled grin, Spike shot to his feet and gave chase. "I'm going to get you, Willow!"

"Never!"

The two burst out of Xander's back yard, running full speed. Willow crashed into the hedge bush and bounced back, landing on her butt on the hard ground. Spike skid to a halt beside her, pointed, and started laughing. Willow stuck her tongue out at him.

"Is that another invitation, luv?" Spike asked, waggling his brows.

"Spike, you'd have to look exactly like Trent Reznor in those leather pants for me to even consider kissing you," Willow replied.

Spike stuck out his lower lip in a pout after his face reverted back to its smooth, handsome planes. He stalked over to the hedge bush as Willow got to her feet.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm takin' a pisser," he answered.

"Spike, you're a vampire," Willow pointed out. "You don't need to pee."

Spike turned around. "Oh. Right," he said. He frowned at the redhead. "What's wrong?"

Willow stood staring at him, her mouth in a perfect 'o', a red flush staining her cheeks. Spike looked down and saw that he was flashing her his bits. He grinned lasciviously. "Like what you see, pet?"

"Those African Swallows sure have their work cut out for them," Willow said in a breathy voice.

"Eh?"

"You've got some mighty big coconuts there, Spike."

Then she pounced on him.

*****

Xander and Anya walked up the driveway of his house, a second bag of rented Monty Python videos in hand in order to continue the small, drinking party in his basement.

"Xander, is your bush suppose to be doing that?" Anya asked, pointing at the shaking hedge.

"The only time a bush shakes like that is when there's people UFO by it," Xander replied. "Or it's some nasty Hellmouth bush monster that's planning to eat us when our backs are turned."

They exchanged a glance, then hurried towards the house. Once safely behind locked doors, Anya asked, "Xander, what's a 'People UFO?'"

"'People Unabashedly ****ing Outside.'"

__________________

b!tch you wish you were me

May 25th, 2004 12:47 AM