Streets of Courasant
24:26 AM.
Near Courasant Correctional Facility
A shady man stood alone on a darkened roof-top with acloak covering his entire body and goggles covering his eyes. The man's mouth is covered by the large dark cloak. the men stalks the two guards at the entrance waiting for his chance, the time finally came and he whiped out Blaster pistol , aimed carefully and shot Knocking the man into an alley way , unseen by his partner. The shady man aimed again but missed!
"Damn!" he exclaimed as the man turned to notice him.
"Huh...Hey stop right there!" he said pulling out his own Blaster Pistol only to fire as the man dodges and slunks into the darkness. the alarm goes off and he knows that the element of suprise was lost! He dashed behind a building and spotted a back door.
"Yes Finally a lucky break!" he openned the door and looked around.
He heard a small noise "Oh no!" hje noticed a bomb in the corner of the room ! He tried to run but, it was to late. the bomb blew and he was shot out side too tired to run away.
"Freeze jedi!" Smiled a Clone guard. "Another Jedi!" yelled another to a large group of Clones. "Lets get him to a cell Emperor palpatine will see him tommorrow. Move along!" The Clones carried him to the jail cell's.
One of them removed his goggles and cloak to Show a young man with six arms
"Well, Fangar Eleskarr... Yo won't escape this time. Lock him up!"
"Right awy!" said another.
"Damn..Didn't think you guys would try to blow up civilians..." Fangar remarked cocily.
"You won't be so happy after Palpatine does away with you!"
"How did I even get into this mess?" Fangar tried to remeber back to the beggining.
~the next entry will be at the beggining of Episode 1! let me know how you liked it!~
__________________ "All you jedi better stay out of my way..." Eleskarr
Too many unnecessary exclamation points, horrible grammar/spelling, dialogue tags are for Dick and Jane, lack of description, tense-switching, and, overall, an unpolished insult to all Star Wars literature. And it's boring.
If this is an attempt at a prologue, please fix it before moving on.
__________________ Ask me about my "obvious and unpleasant agenda of hatred."
PLanet Courasant
11:45 AM
Jedi Temple Council room
"But the Boy Must be trained!" a flustered Ki Adi Mundi argued.
"He is too old." Stated a commanding Master Windu."I am sorry Master Mundi! He cannot be trained!"
"I will train him with or without the council!" He yelled.
"Train him you cannot. Too old he is." announced a calm Yoda from his small chair.
~and now I am uninspired thanks Jack-Monkey!~
__________________ "All you jedi better stay out of my way..." Eleskarr
Hmm, I'm not too impressed by the story. However, I will not rattle off all the bad things you did, I will hopefully help you improve your writing.
First of all, the first paragraph was pretty decent. The only thing I would say would be to skip a line every time you start a new paragraph. This way, the reader won't be confused, and he will be able to identify when a paragraph ends and where one starts. Secondly, you need to describe a bit more of the characters and settings. You started off good with the description of the main character, but then... well... that was about all the describing you did.
Another suggestion is, you don't have to make the characters say aloud everything. When you do this, it makes the dialogue seem childish. For example:
"Yes Finally a lucky break!" he openned the door and looked around.
I would put this dialogue into thought. When you are in the heat of battle, and somebody is shooting at you, I doubt you would say, "Yes, finally a lucky break!"
Instead, have the main character thinking it. What I do in my stories, (to show thoughts) is put the thoughts in Italics. On this website (if you're writing it directly on here) you have to put Italics tags, which are [I] [ / I] without the spaces.
You are going to need to revise your writing before you post it. The story is already riddled with speeling and grammar errors, so be careful.
I must say, even though the second post was shorter, it was better than the first. You didn't have as many errors.
Now, as for the content. I cannot properly review the story's content thus far, for you have just begun the story. I will say this, however: The second post gives me Deja Vu. The whole, "He is too old." But "I will train him anyway." = Star Wars: Episode 1. Try to think of a plot different from the movies.
Well, like I said, I wasn't too impressed, however, you seem to be just beginning writing. From a fellow writer to a fellow writer, I know you'll improve.
Continue writing this story. I'll make sure to keep reading.
~Feceman, I suggest you read the rules of this forum before you begin insulting the writings here. The rules clearly state NO flaming is allowed.~
I am well aware of the rules of the forums. My 'flaming' is my constructive criticism--I have repeatedly said that, though it is harsh, my intentions are the best in nature. If one is going to be a writer, one needs to get over one's own ego, suck it up, and make an effort.
I've even posted nicely. But then it just gets ignored. At least now I get a reaction.
__________________ Ask me about my "obvious and unpleasant agenda of hatred."
Well, that would have been much, MUCH, more use to Elaskarr than the flame you gave him. Look at it this way, you already wrote it up, you could have said the same thing to him. (By the way, Elaskarr, read that. It'll be helpful.) However, you are telling him to suck it up, but I'm telling you to suck it up. Just because you went out of your way to review somebody's story, and the person ignored you, that doesn't give you the right to quit giving good reviews and help and start giving flames.
Planet Courasant
24:35 AM
Outside Courasant Correctional prison
A shady man stood alone on a darkened roof-top with acloak covering his entire body and goggles covering his eyes. The man's mouth is covered by the large dark cloak. the men stalks the two guards at the entrance waiting for his chance, the time finally came and he whiped out Blaster pistol , aimed carefully and shot Knocking the man into an alley way , unseen by his partner. The shady man aimed again but missed! Damn the shady man thought
"What, Hey stop right there!" the white armorred Clone scout ordered as he to a shot at him with his own blaster.
The shady man had already slunk into the shadows into the dark and dank empty streets. He moved quietly for a moment as he spotted an unlocked house
The alarm went off and the Shady man knew that he would be caught if he did not hide. "Finally a lucky break he said as he looked around the quaint litle house. he looked around for a good place to hide. "Whats that noise?" he looked around. "OH NO!!!" he yelled aloud as the short fused bomb blew him out into the street.
A Clone Commander wearing a bright red uniform and a Blaster in hand came running with severel other troopers "Freeze Jedi!" said the commander aiming a Blaster at his head
"Another Jedi!" Yelled another. "Lets get him to a cell Emperor Sidious will deal with him in the morning. Move along."
The Shady man- who was being carried by a Clone trooper due to his inability to walk- was being taken to his cell where they kept the other prisoner's. he wasn't scared he knew he could escape again and if not he could cope with torture.
The Clone Commander removed his Dark Cloak and his tented gogles to reveal the face of a very young six armed man with alarge jaw and big teeth. "So Fangar Eleskarr...Didn't think that you would show you're face back here...Not after last time..." he paused to show a picture of the prison burning down. "Get a kick out of Blowing stuff up eh Fangar?" the red wearing clone trooper asked. Fangar noticed a couple of scorch marks on his armor. "Yes I was in the peek of that explosion Eleskarr...And I survived unlike most of the guards and patients...What do you have to say for you're self?"
"...I'm very sorry Mr.Clone sir I won't do it again..." he replied in a mocking tone.
"Cute..." Replied Commander Neyo."Perhaps I should start from teh begining of you're 'truth' on what happened...."
~the next story will be episode 1~
__________________ "All you jedi better stay out of my way..." Eleskarr
KMC Community Forums
Life and times of Fangar Eleskarr
Jul 5th, 2005 09:44 AM
