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Read And Rate!!!
Started by: hpfanatic123456

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hpfanatic123456
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Location: United States

Read And Rate!!!

First of all, those who dont like fantasy stories, get out. Second, id like ur critiscism. This is a story i write in my spare, time, so dont judge it too harshly.... ok? Read and enjoy!

Dec 29th, 2005 12:10 AM

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hpfanatic123456
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Location: United States

The Eleventh Sense: Dark Secrets

Prologue

Charles kneaded his weary eyes with his aching knuckles. With a cry of frustration he pounded his fist against the cedar wood desk until his fist was numb. Four sleepless nights of fruitless searching can do that to a person. He gained control of himself again, cracked his fingers and took a long sip of crystal clear water. Charles then buried his head inside his arms. I need to sleep, he thought, and mussed his light brown hair. Just a quick nap�
BANG! BANG! BANG! A loud rap on the door interrupted the silence in the room. A girl of about seventeen stormed in. It was Charles� two years older sister, Erin. She had her raven black hair tucked into a sleek ponytail and her honey-golden eyes that matched his, glared around the room. Her porcelain skin was flushed with excitement.
�I found the right information! We just need you to analyze it,� Erin exclaimed, clutching a sheet of paper and waving it in his face.
�No Erin, I haven�t slept in four days! Just let me get some rest�� Charles wearily closed his eyes.
�NO! Charles we need you to be your computer geek- I mean genius- self right now. This is probably it! Please Charles, we, I need you!� Erin pleaded. This surprised Charles because Erin never pleaded with anyone, especially her two years younger brother.
�Fine,� he grumbled, and snatched the piece of paper from her hand.
He read the paper in one minute and thirty-three seconds. Charles eyes widened and his hands shook as he spoke. �Get Drew.�
�But- but- shouldn�t we wait for Sam and Nichole?� Erin stuttered.
�No. This information not only gave us the whereabouts of Jake and Adriana, but the whereabouts of Jennifer and-� Charles was interrupted.

Dec 29th, 2005 12:12 AM

H. S. 6
Approaching the End

Gender: Male
Location: Ministry of Magic

Very good so far. I liked the taste you've given us.

A few things, though. The dialogue seemed a bit strained, as in, it doesn't seem like a seventeen-year-old would speak like that.

I don't think there were any mistakes: none that I could find, anyway.

One suggestion, and this has nothing to do with writing rules or anything like that; when you begin a new paragraph, skip a line.

For example:

" BANG! BANG! BANG! A loud rap on the door interrupted the silence in the room. A girl of about seventeen stormed in. It was Charles� two years older sister, Erin. She had her raven black hair tucked into a sleek ponytail and her honey-golden eyes that matched his, glared around the room. Her porcelain skin was flushed with excitement.

�I found the right information! We just need you to analyze it,� Erin exclaimed, clutching a sheet of paper and waving it in his face."

Since people are reading it from a computer screen and not a book, it helps it A) Look neater and more tempting to read and B) Helps the reader understand when one paragraph ends and one begins.

Besides that, excellent beginning! thumb up