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My own Story.
Started by: Kennedyward

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sketch_turner
"Well done Turner"!

Gender: Male
Location: The Comix Zone

Cool My own Story.

I was told to post it here and here it is.. big grin

It starts like this.

Here's how it begins. (exactly how it's written on the paper)

"There is a forest. Wandering in the forest is a boy looking extremely young, the age of about 8 yrs. He is wearing black colored, light durable armor, from the torso down. He has long purple hair that hangs down the back of his head. His eyes are a light green color. He was euiped with a durable long silver sword.
He wandered in the forest examining every detail of his surroundings. He only saw endless rows of trees, and lots of grass he walked upon. He saw the sky was dark. Few stars are seen, and a full moon.
The boy quickly noticed an animal figure flying towards him at a high speed offensively. The boy quickly rolls to the left out of the way of the figure. It is seen that the boy's face was scrathed slightly from the figure. It was a small yet deep cut of a horizontal line that dripped of blood slightly. The animal now appeared in front of the boy out of range.
It was a wolf with black fur, large in size compared to the boy. It's eyes were glowing dark red. It's sharp silver fangs grew longer. It glared over at the boy meanacingly. The boy stood in fear as he quickly drawed his sword gripping it with both hands. The wolf rushed to the boy. The boy quickly guared his sword. While the wolf came in range of the boy it forcefully knocked the balde out of the boy's hands, and tackled him to the ground pinning him down. The wolf glared into the eyes of the boy. Tears were seen leaving the boy's eyes as the wolf sent it's fangs to the boy's neck.
Suddenly the boy shifts up as he is seen on a bed. It is apparent he has just woken up from a night terror. He is in a small room. He can see through a small window that daylight has just began. In front of him near the edge of the bed is his apparent wolf pup pet. The wolf pup has black fur."

What you guys think? Good so far?


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Sketch thanks Messahi for the sig.

Old Post Nov 13th, 2008 11:08 PM
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Bardock42
Junior Member

Gender: Unspecified
Location: With Cinderella and the 9 Dwarves

You started every sentence in the first paragraph with either "he" or "his", which is extremely irritating. The short sentences are also a feature I don't like to read.

"A boy, no more than 8 years at most, wanders through a forest. The black armor on his body extending down from his torso, where a long silver sword is attached to his side. As his long purple hair hangs down the back of his head, his light green eyes shine from his face, examining every detail in his surroundings, but nothing grabs his attention. Though the sky was dark he could make out endless rows of trees as far as his eyes could see."

Maybe a bit more explanation like that would have been better, and trying to make the sentences flow into each other is not really a bad thing. On the whole it didn't draw me in much...and I don't care for the boy at all. But, well, it's only the first few paragraphs, so maybe it develops.

Those are my major problems. Not being drawn into the story. Weird, short sentence structure. Unnecessary repetition. Dull wordings. Oh and "it was all a dream"

Are you going somewhere further with the story anyways?


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Old Post Nov 14th, 2008 12:44 PM
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sketch_turner
"Well done Turner"!

Gender: Male
Location: The Comix Zone

Oh, i'll try to fix that.
Yeah, i'm trying to be a small story writeer.


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Sketch thanks Messahi for the sig.

Old Post Nov 14th, 2008 03:29 PM
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