Location: In Luna's mane, chasing STAAARS!
Resident Evil: Order in the Court!
Judge: Court is now in session for the trial of Mr. Chris Redfield.
Godot: The prosecution is ready your honor.
Phoenix: The defense is ready your honor.
Judge: Mr. Edgeworth, the prosecution may call its first witness.
Godot: The prosecution calls Chris Redfield to the stand. Mr. Redfield, is it not true that between 1998 and 2009, you've been "working out?"
Godot: You've got some big muscles on you fella. Where do you--
Phoenix: OBJECTION! Your honor, the prosecutioner is hitting on the witness!
Judge: Overuled. Phoenix, shut up.
Godot: Anyways...where do you work out? You must've had quite the trainer. Spill it, what's your seller's name?
Chris: I beg your pardon?
Godot: Don't play dumb with me Donkey Kong, I know you've taken steroids. No man could get those kind of muscles naturally.
Chris: Have you seen our mayor?
Godot: That's because Haggar is a god but that's besides the point. Because of your overdose from those roids, your hormones were so crazed, you forced yourself on Ms. Alexia Ashford and murdered her so she wouldn't report you to the authorities on that horrific day between 2:30PM and 5:00PM!
Phoenix: OBJECTION! I have here the test results of his urine that was checked by doctors and this sheet says that he's clean and if you don't believe me, look in this jar!
Chris: Why do you have my...
Godot: Yeah man, why are you carrying around a dude's urine? That's disgusting.
Judge: Yeah I agree.
Phoenix: (Crap. I can't tell them it's for when I get tested. I must lie) Uh...I have it with me because it's for my t(ohcrapthinkofsomething)-t-t-t-t-t-t-TOAST!
Judge: ....Let's continue with the trial shall we?
Godot: I still believe that the accused murdered that poor woman.
Judge: We'll find out soon enough.
Godot: Next question, you were on the same train with her on that day were you not?
Chris: Yes but I was with my wife Jill. I only met Alexia once on that day before we got on the train.
Godot: Your honor, the accused is lying and I have a witness to prove it.
Judge: Very well. Bring him up here.
Godot: The prosecution now calls Mr. Albert Wesker to the stand.
Chris: Wesker! I should've known this was your doing!
Wesker: I honestly have no idea what you're talking about.
Phoenix: Take it easy Chris. You're just letting him get to you.
Godot: Now Mr. Wesker, tell us what really happened on that train.
Wesker: At 2:30, I told my wife I was going to go use the little Umbrella laboratory and left and didn't come back until 5:00.
Phoenix: HOLD IT! Seems a little suspiscious that you were away for two and a half hours even if you had to use the restroom.
Wesker: The food service was terrible.
Phoenix: (Crap. That's always a good excuse but I musn't give up)
Wesker: After I got out and went back to my room, I found Alexia lying face first in a pool of blood with a cleaver in her back and the only bastard I know who always keeps one with him is none other than CHRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS!!!
Phoenix: (This is not looking good)
Before Phoenix can object, he senses something wrong in the crowd and tries to figure out what it is. The crowd suddenly murmurs and the Judge bangs his hammer to keep order.
Phoenix: HOLD IT! Your honor, it's true Chris always takes a cleaver to wherever he goes (the idiot) but he is not the murderer!
Judge: I assume you have something that will prove this?
Phoenix: As a matter of fact I do. The defense calls Sheva Alomar to the stand!
Chris: She's in Africa you idiot.
Phoenix: Oh really? Then who's that chick who looks like she's trying to hide in the crowd?
Sheva: How'd you know who I am from all the way over there?!
Phoenix: I can smell cheapness. Speaking of which, it won't be long until Paul Anderson releases his fifth Resident Evil movie. *sniffs* God it smells awful.
Chris: Can anyone tell me why we haven't sued him yet?
Phoenix: Now Ms. Alomar, you are accused for the murder of Alexia Ashford. How do you plead?
Sheva: Not guilty of course.
Chris: Sheva, why are you even here? I thought you were helping your people in Africa.
Sheva: Well uh...I came here to see if I could help you. Eversince I heard about your trial, I was worried.
Phoenix: Oh spare us lady. The only ones in RE5 who were able to canonically equip a cleaver is both Chris here and you and since he had his cleaver with him all this time, the only suspect left is you.
Godot: OBJECTION! Your honor, I'm looking at Mr. Redfield here and he does not have his cleaver as we speak. Clearly he lied and the cleaver is still in the evidence room.
Phoenix: OBJECTION! That cleaver is not his. In this form here, it says that Chris claimed that during that day, his wife was polishing his cleaver--
Godot: Yeah I bet.
Phoenix Wright breaks the fourth wall by grabbing his OBJECTION and throwing it at Godot.
Phoenix: As I was saying: Chris claimed that during that day on the train, his wife was polishing his cleaver and since the authorities came to apprehend him, it was stuck with her. In fact, she's right over there and raising it to show it to you all.
Godot: Oh thank God. Thought that was MY wife over there.
Wesker: But if Chris didn't do it then who really did murder her?!
Phoenix: Weren't you listening you mad man? It's none other than Sheva Alomar. During the events in RE5, she grew fondness for him and fell for him but couldn't declare her feelings before Chris kept repeating Jill's name like a machine gun of love.
Chris and Jill blush.
Phoenix: Eversince him and Jill got married, she became furious and wanted to seek revenge on Ms. Valentine here. I was told by the person who drove that train on that day that between 2:30 and 5:00PM, the train went in a tunnel and when you go in a tunnel, it gets dark and you can't see a thing. Sheva tried to find Jill's room but must've accidentally went into Alexia's and stabbed her in the back and ran. Is that right Ms. Alomar?
Phoenix: I believe your reaction says it all.
Chris: Sheva...how could you? We were partners damn it! I can't believe you'd do something like this!
Sheva: I only wanted to give you what you deserved. Having to see you be stuck with that hussy was unbearable to watch.
Jill: Oh no you didn't.
Sheva: Oh I did and I would've killed you and not that blonde bimbo if I wasn't so blind while in that tunnel.
Wesker: That "bimbo" was my wife!
Judge: It's clear now that who commited the crime. Officers take her away.
Wesker: I can't believe this happened.
Chris: I can't believe it wasn't you this time.
Godot: And I can't believe this is not butter!
Phoenix: How would you like a nice hot cup of STFU?
Godot: Hey now, that's my schtik, you say that one more time and I'll sue!
Phoenix: Bring it on! I will win this next court case and do you know why? Because I'm Wright for I'm Phoenix Wright!
Judge: Here we go again...