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lol very funny jokes/
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ladygrim
The Grim piratess

Gender: Female
Location: Thats so hot

Laugh lol very funny jokes/

How to annoy fellow people .... rather good

* Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

* Drum on every available surface.

* Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

* Staple papers in the middle of the page.

* Ask 800 operators for dates.

* Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.

* Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.

* Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

* Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

* Set alarms for random times.

* Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.

* Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

* Honk and wave to strangers.

* Dress only in clothes colored
Hunter's Orange.

* Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

* Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

* Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.

* ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

* only type in lowercase.

* dont use any punctuation either.

* Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

* Pay for your dinner with pennies.

* Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

* Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

* Light road flares on a birthday cake.

* Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

* Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

* Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

* At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

* As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

* Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

* Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.

* Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

* Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

* Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up!" and repeat.

* Drive half a block.

* Name your dog "Dog."

* Ask people what gender they are.

* Reply to everything someone says with "That's what YOU think."

* Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.

* Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".

* Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

* Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.

* Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

* While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

* Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

* Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

* Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

* Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.

* Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

* Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

* Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

* Wear a LOT of cologne.

* Ask to "interface" with someone.

* Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

* Sing along at the opera.

* Mow your lawn with scissors.

* At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!"

* Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."

* Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

* Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

* Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture".

* Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

* Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.

* Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

* Never make eye contact.

* Never break eye contact.

* Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

* Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

* Construct your own pretend "tricorder" and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

* Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.

* Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

* Make appointments for the 31st of September.

* Invite lots of people to other people's parties.


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Old Post Jul 6th, 2004 01:10 PM
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Discos
The Discmeister

Gender: Male
Location: Scotland

lol not bad.....but would'nt they be classed as prank?


__________________


"In the year of our Lord 1314, patriots of Scotland, starving and outnumbered, charged the fields at Bannockburn. They fought like warrior poets. They fought like Scotsmen. And won their freedom."

Old Post Jul 6th, 2004 01:15 PM
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ladygrim
The Grim piratess

Gender: Female
Location: Thats so hot

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that."

"Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."

The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.

The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."


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Old Post Jul 6th, 2004 01:16 PM
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House of Jade
Senior Member

Gender: Unspecified
Location:

I am in stitches!.......They're hilarious!

Old Post Jul 6th, 2004 01:18 PM
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Discos
The Discmeister

Gender: Male
Location: Scotland

ah I loved the last joke


__________________


"In the year of our Lord 1314, patriots of Scotland, starving and outnumbered, charged the fields at Bannockburn. They fought like warrior poets. They fought like Scotsmen. And won their freedom."

Old Post Jul 6th, 2004 01:20 PM
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ladygrim
The Grim piratess

Gender: Female
Location: Thats so hot

heres another ..

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.

A few minutes after that, another loud scream echo's through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about.

The bartender yells, "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!"

The drunk responds, "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."

The bartender opens the door and looks in.

You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!


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Old Post Jul 6th, 2004 01:22 PM
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BakaXero
Free SUGAR!

Gender: Male
Location: Right here waiting


ive actually done many of those things on the list
hmm... shifty
*copies list*
save this for later
gotta finish the list big grin


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Last edited by BakaXero on Jul 6th, 2004 at 01:29 PM

Old Post Jul 6th, 2004 01:23 PM
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ladygrim
The Grim piratess

Gender: Female
Location: Thats so hot

Marie went to sunday school, but she didn't like it so she always fell asleep in class.

One day the teacher who didn't realize she was sleeping asked her a question, Adam who was sitting behind her pokes her with his pen.
"Jesus Christ!" said Marie
"Right Answer" Said the teacher...
She fells back asleep and the teacher asks her another question, Adam pokes her again.
"God Almighty!!" said Marie
"Right Answer..."
And again, she fells asleep,
"What did Eve say when she had her 7th baby?" The teacher asks Marie.
Adm pokes her again...
"Damnit Adam if you stick that thing in me one more time I sweak i'll break it in half!"



well i am gonna start at the begin of the list ... lol


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Old Post Jul 6th, 2004 01:25 PM
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DyingDr3am3r
Golden Super Plus ******

Gender: Female
Location: Wish It Wasnt - United States

If you're not living life on the edge, then you are taking up too much space.

Why in baseball is it called the World Series if it is only played in the U.S.A?

Why are things typed up but written down?

Why does caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?

If the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

What does the K in K-mart actually stand for?

Why do the call the angel of death an angel if all it does is bring pain and suffering?


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---Tracy---

Old Post Jul 6th, 2004 01:32 PM
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BakaXero
Free SUGAR!

Gender: Male
Location: Right here waiting

lol
laughing
i love that last one...


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Old Post Jul 6th, 2004 01:32 PM
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ladygrim
The Grim piratess

Gender: Female
Location: Thats so hot

lol i welcome ne more funny jokes ...

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress & step in the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.
He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers.
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how lifelike he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look," says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser." To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood ... sure enough he drops the other bar of soap.
The third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives one last, despairing tug then yells
"Holy Mary, Mother of God -Hand Lotion!"


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Old Post Jul 6th, 2004 01:34 PM
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ladygrim
The Grim piratess

Gender: Female
Location: Thats so hot

One blond says to another, "how did you die"?

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful" says the first blonde. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping."

"How about you, how did you die?" asked the second blonde.

"I had a heart attack," says the first blonde. "You see I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone watching TV. I ran to the basement, but no one was hiding there either. I ran to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.

The second blonde shakes her head. "What a pity ... if you had only looked in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."


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Old Post Jul 6th, 2004 01:47 PM
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Corran
Lucifer

Gender: Male
Location: Look out of your Window

I JUST LOVE ALL THE HOW TO ANNOY SOMEONE THINGS I HAVE DONE SOME IN THE PAST AND AM CURRENTLY DOING 3 OF THEM I HOPE TO COMPLETE THE LIST BY THE END OF THE MONTH I WILL LET YOU KNOW HOW I DO.


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Old Post Jul 6th, 2004 01:49 PM
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ladygrim
The Grim piratess

Gender: Female
Location: Thats so hot

riteyo ... well i shall give some of them ago ...


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Old Post Jul 6th, 2004 01:51 PM
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BakaXero
Free SUGAR!

Gender: Male
Location: Right here waiting

quote:
Originally posted by N0SFERATU
I JUST LOVE ALL THE HOW TO ANNOY SOMEONE THINGS I HAVE DONE SOME IN THE PAST AND AM CURRENTLY DOING 3 OF THEM I HOPE TO COMPLETE THE LIST BY THE END OF THE MONTH I WILL LET YOU KNOW HOW I DO.

HEY THATS MY GOAL!!!!!!!!


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Old Post Jul 6th, 2004 01:56 PM
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Corran
Lucifer

Gender: Male
Location: Look out of your Window

TOO MANY APOSTROPHES OOPS I MEAN EXCLAMATION MARKS


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Old Post Jul 6th, 2004 01:57 PM
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ladygrim
The Grim piratess

Gender: Female
Location: Thats so hot

i think it is now everybodys goal


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Old Post Jul 6th, 2004 01:58 PM
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Flying High
Fly my Pretties Fly!!

Gender: Female
Location: Fife, Scotland!!

quote:
Originally posted by DyingDr3am3r
If you're not living life on the edge, then you are taking up too much space.

Why in baseball is it called the World Series if it is only played in the U.S.A?

Why are things typed up but written down?

Why does caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?

If the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

What does the K in K-mart actually stand for?

Why do the call the angel of death an angel if all it does is bring pain and suffering?

i cood go down n get my bros stuf if ur starting that stick out tongue

why isnt there a mouse flavoured cat food

is a turtle cold or homeless is it loses its shell(its actually dead but meh)

everybody wants to go to heaven but no one wants to die...

many more...there better too jus those r the ones i remeber....


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People keep disappearing and reappearing lol

Old Post Jul 6th, 2004 01:58 PM
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ladygrim
The Grim piratess

Gender: Female
Location: Thats so hot

lol


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Old Post Jul 6th, 2004 02:02 PM
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Kelly_Bean
Warum ist die Sonne rund?

Gender: Female
Location: Mars

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about.
"What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!!!"


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Old Post Jul 6th, 2004 02:16 PM
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