Was away all last week, was cruising around the med and basically terrorising europe, well not terrorising, i was nice to them. It was them who were bad to me.
Day One -Saturday-
Woke up at 3 in the morning, got up at ten past three. got dressed got showered (not in that order) waiting for parents to do the same.
Left for the airport.
Arrived at airport, bought Michael Moores 'Stupid White Men'
got on plane.
landed in Amsterdam
took off from Amsterdam airport to milan.
landed in milan airport
realised a luggage case was lost
worried
got bus to the port
saw the big ship
got on the big ship
went to cabin
went out
drank
drank
drank
found air hockey tables
won
Found house of the dead arcade game
lost
Drank some more
bed
Day Two -Naples-
Woke up to find ship had docked in naples , Italy.
left ship
was wearing shirt-shorts and just trainers because all my socks and other items of the sort (yes, underwear) were in the lost case.
got blister on first day
went on guided tour around the place
wondered what all the songs singing lovely thhings about santa lucia were about as the place wasnt good at all.
got off bus after an hour and a half buss ride around being told about all the poets and people who lived or had lived in this region and after listening to the tour women insult vesuvius.
wandered aimlessly around the place and realised that Italian police sirens sound so cheap and crap.
got on ship
no word on the lost case yet
went to pool
realised that the man who invented the bikini is the hero of every man
jumped into pool
realised pool was salt water...too late
got out of pool, too cold
got in jacuzzi, thats better
sat in jacuzzi while ship pulled away, waved bye bye to italy.
went to the boats gym
found sauna
realised 'why work to lose weight when i can sweat it out '
realised that didnt work
stayed in sauna anyway
had conversation with french family who said i was very polite for an englishman because i said hello because 'Back in france, when we say hello, they all greet us back, english, they dont...you did '
i pointed out to her that when in france or talking to the french in english, they dont answer. and when attempting to speak french, they mock your pathetic attempt at it.
She said thats only because we either look like we arent trying or we look like we are trying to hard (is this true)
left sauna
cold shower
vowed never to have cold shower again
walking over to indoor jacuzzi i slipped on wet floor
took a chunk of skin out of my foot
got in jacuzzi
got out again
back to room- get warm shower
get changed into jeans
get shaved
get into shirt
out
drink
air hockey champion
lost championship
watched the entertainment, which consisted of my uncle being humiliated
women said he had to pretend to be Mel Gibson....and he had to dance and 'seduce the ladies'
which is what he did
except the seducing part
Second challenge, to burst baloons in lots of positions
positions i wont mention (wasnt he aware many children and his wife were watching?)
saw sombody else english
struck up conversations
was invited up to disco on top deck with her and her friends
went
left again as music was crap and there were too many old people there
walked about top deck with them for quite a while talking about home and all sorts of things
back to disco
drink
back to room
read something
listen to something
sleep
Day Three - Sicily
We just left italy, why go to sicily now?
i dont know, but we did, it took 14 hours to conver that water, was the driver asleep or something?
anyway i decided to stay on boat today
parents and lil bro got off, but who needs em, eh?
found people from last night
swam
gymed (?)
table tennis, i failed at that one
hey, is that an internet cafe?
yes, it is an internet cafe!
used the internet cafe
KMC access denied, what are you playing at raz?
oh, its not him messing its something to do with these PCs
maybe if i use this one...
yes that works
ralised its 50 cents a minute on those things, that is steep prices you know, when your as slow as they are
left cafe
sunbathed
read
sunbathed some more
realised i was not getting a tan so i stopped wasting time just lying there
parents came back
holy hell its 5 pm!
time to go get chaged and go drink!
discovered how to play knuckles with a coin
i won, but my knuckle was bleeding
rest of night is not remembered, ending day
Day Four -Tunisia
Chris! the ship has stopped, wake up!
riiight, where are we?
TUnisia!
Tuni...sia?
yeah
why the hell are we here
well...its near europe
no it isnt, its in africa, why am i in africa, i dont want to be in africa, why tunisia of all places?
well i dont know, come on you might enjoy it
i wont
well try to
fine...
get off boat
was immedietly surrounded by 40 (no, im not exaggerating) taxi drivers all trying to get us to some city
why am i even here?
prices? well, as one of them put it 'furty eroh pur peepolllll'
Yeah, he dragged out the llllllll you know like the disney bad guys do?
well i figured if i get in this taxi i aint coming back
so i politely declined and wondered if we would survive
he demanded to know why not
well, forty euros per person is quite expensive considering there are 13 of us here (my whole family was here)
Fine, he says 'fife eroh pur peepolllll
well now what can i say, five is quite a good price
but im not paying five euro to be kidnapped
luckily another taxi service man came, one whos company works with the police, yes...i notivced the police, thank the lord, im safe!
wait...that only one policeman
shit
so the forty taxi drivers who look suspicious, in fact i think 'Ali Babas Taxi Service' would have summed up these forty theives
i didnt think they would pay any attention to this one slightly overweight police officer
this was when i noticed that the car park we were in...the cars had policemen in them
semi tinted windows and everything
now i started to wonder why so many police would be here if these forty people were nice and would give you a nice ride the moment you said 'open sessame'
Then the forty decided to argue with the five who were with the police
just as ithought, this cant get an worse
another taxi firm appears
it was here that this whole thing reminded me of the scene in Anchorman, with the rival news stations rioting, now as funny as that scene was, i dont want to be the guy with the trident through his heart
so as people were getting out of cars and forming this huge crowd and police were joining the rubble decided to get the hell away from this place, i pointed it out to the other twelve members of the family, who agreed.
we left...slowly
we got back on the boat because 'if thats what they are like out here, imagine in the city!'
I made them all apologise for making me apologising for abusing tunisa.
Back on boat i told my tale in the sauna, god i love that sauna, then as it concluded in the jacuzzi i sat back and relaxed, while watching rather absent mindedly the showers i noticed how many european stereotypes are in one way or another correct
Saurons shower stereotypes are as follows
The English- damn us dirty english, didnt even bother to shower before getting in jacuzzi, yeah thats right, we enjoy watching you sit i our dirty filthy water!
The Germans- The stereotype of the german being efficient is almost dead, but damn was it correct on this cruise, he stepped into the shower, wearing his speddos, plain black, just enough to conver up what needed. turned it on in one swift movement, ran his hands down his left leg once, they down his right leg once, then his torso, then got out. it was like clockwork...partly because he did his washing in clockwork order...but lets not get into that
The French- Efficient? no, not at all. he steps into the shower wearing his speedos, white with orange flowers on them, he messes with the speed of the water and the temp of it for about a minute, and begins producing soap from inside his speedos, now i dont know about you, but i cant fit soap down my speedos, hell i dont have speedos, i mean what grown man wears speedos, swimming shorts are the way to go, not poncey bikini bottoms for men.
right so anyway he is producing soap and clensing aids from his nether regions, and then comes towards the jacuzzi that im in
I get staright out
i dont know about you but he is covered in a lather from a soap that has been next to his....frogs leg?
so that was it wednesday was quite frankly the worst day ever.....*sigh* so far
it gets worse, i incite violence tomorrow
Day Five Valencia and Parma, not in that order, or maybe i nthat order, i dont know
but we are out of africa and scary men so its ok
we were only allowed 2 hours in parma
what is the point
it takes you half an hour to check my passport, good god!
i mean if we are coming to parma just get rid of tunisia, i dont want to be mugged, i want sun sea and sand
not the forty thieves
so i spent the worst two hours ever in parma
back on the boat
oh look, its valencia, shops!
yes, im a shoppaholic
well hello there, whats this
my god
its huge
its great
im going
a big book store
i run in
wow, a whole michael moore section
i go over, i finished 'stupid white men' so i wanted 'dude, wheres my country'
what?
these books are in every language apart from english
is this a joke?
you get english tourists every day, where are our books?
Manuel, i demand an explanation for this insult
Gender: Female Location: every which way but loose
got dressed got showered (not in that order)
realised that the man who invented the bikini is the hero of every man
walking over to indoor jacuzzi i slipped on wet floor
it took 14 hours to conver that water, was the driver asleep or something?
in fact i think 'Ali Babas Taxi Service' would have summed up these forty theives
The English- damn us dirty english, didnt even bother to shower before getting in jacuzzi, yeah thats right, we enjoy watching you sit i our dirty filthy water!
The Germans- The stereotype of the german being efficient is almost dead, but damn was it correct on this cruise, he stepped into the shower, wearing his speddos, plain black, just enough to conver up what needed. turned it on in one swift movement, ran his hands down his left leg once, they down his right leg once, then his torso, then got out. it was like clockwork...partly because he did his washing in clockwork order...but lets not get into that
The French- Efficient? no, not at all. he steps into the shower wearing his speedos, white with orange flowers on them, he messes with the speed of the water and the temp of it for about a minute, and begins producing soap from inside his speedos, now i dont know about you, but i cant fit soap down my speedos, hell i dont have speedos, i mean what grown man wears speedos, swimming shorts are the way to go, not poncey bikini bottoms for men.
right so anyway he is producing soap and clensing aids from his nether regions, and then comes towards the jacuzzi that im in
I get staright out
i dont know about you but he is covered in a lather from a soap that has been next to his....frogs leg?
Honey, these bits were oh-so entertaining You really should write some stories or something, but do try connecting sentences and sections, you got raw talent
so i leave the bookstore and wait, could it be, it is!
Walk past
dont see
dont look
please
damn
'Oh Look! Its Gucci!'
me and every other male let out a groan and i quickly realise i wasnt the only one trying to walk past
my cousin buys a bag, why? your paying for the label
i want to look good
well you dont need a tiny imprint of 'gucci' to look good, look, over there, the same bag without it
but then it isnt gucci
who will know
i will
so?
So exactly
that makes no sense
yes it does
ok ok i gave up on her, i saw my mom eyeing something up, i had to stop her buying it, we still havent got the lost case, we cant spend half of the banks money on this bloody bag
oh shit
here come the shop assistants
i have to get her out of there
but one of them corner me
wow, defense sytems
i try to tell them, being male, im not interested in gucci
luckily my dad stopped it all
and we left *breaths sigh of relief*
alot more shopping and walking, golf course!
play golf for a bit
lose by one
go back to boat, get into jacuzzi
me and my cousin are in there, us two with eight french people, eight of those polite people remember?
well first its just me, him, two girls and their little brothers
one of the boys tells me 'she wants to **** you'
and i figure its her little brother being annoying like they are, so i laugh
then she basically says it to me herself
so i laugh again, come on man, your like what, 13? im only 14 but still, slow yourself down. no.
little brother hits me across the head
who does he think he is?
he does it again
i tell him im going to drown him if he does it again
oh shit, he has a big brother
who asks me if i have 'Une Problem'
so i basically sit and argue with all these people for about an hour
so some other girl gets in, and i talk to her, shes 13 too, from germany though, so im talking to her, shes being nice, wow, germans are nice.
damn you french! when i get home im going to watch ww1 dramas and cheer for the germans, burn pari, burn!
so her being nice to me, and being german makes her a lil bit of a target for the flurry of french abuse flying around in the jacuzzi
so i defend her, because shes young and innocent, she doesnt need to be abused by french for doing nothing
oh great, i got splashed
lil french boy leans over
'i...dont......like.....your....teeth'
well, im english, we have bad teeth, get over it.
i tell him 'i dont like any of you, but its my problem and i choose not to air it, you should do the same'
wow, i think, im so civil
im splashed again
ok, this waters hot, its a jacuzzi stop throwing it in my eyes
they do it again
ok, i dont care about anglo-franco relations, jack straw can worry about that, i just plain hate these people now!
so i decide to put some salt in the wounds
and ask them 'typical french manner, your doing alot of talking, but i know the second i stand up or raise a hand you'll shut up'
i know it was below the belt, but it felt so good to vent my fury on these people
they asked what i meant
DAMN IT! im blocked, i didnt want to mention the world wars when i was next to a german girl who at the moment i was friendly with incase either she was offended, or they went for her, of course i realised this, my cousin didnt.
he began singing 'how many wars did you pull out from?'
it was at this point i knew he took it too far.
he pointed at themand shouted ponce
they pointed at me and shouted 'america!' (because they apparently assisted america get freedom from us redcoats)
and then, it happened.
I was insulted
the german girl started speaking french to them, i didnt understand any, but then it turned bad!
they all pointed to her and shouted 'nazi'
oh ****
right, its on now
shes screaming god knows what at them
they are shitting themselves
then they compose and mock her, me, my cousin and just about everyone who ever lived that wasnt french
it was about to come to blows but then, over strolls this girls dads friend
'stop it'
he shouts, to me!
me?
'yes you'
im defending your friends daughter here
you get her in trouble
no i didnt
you did, you shit (he said shit in german, that word that sounds like sh-eye-zer i cant spell it in german, has a weird B in it )
i dont understand what your calling me you know, get lost
you tell me to piss off?
i said get lost
I dont like that! we find your parents!
he grabbed my arm
get off me
we find your parents!
he slapped the back of my head
what the ****, did this man just slap my head, im defending his family friend or whatever, im defending his country, whats wrong with the world, im a victim of friendly fire.
my uncle runs over
my dad runs over
im just thinking that we are going to get kicked off this ship the next stopim told to leave the jacuzzi
the german man apologises as just about every male in my family corners him
end of the jacuzzi
Out on the night, in the disco with friends i made
the french lads come over, oh lord
they buy us drinks and tell us we are great
okkkk
i smell the drink suspiciously, never accept a drink from sombody who doesnt like you
nothing wrong with it, get in! free drink.
hey, theres my dad
what he mad at
no dad, im not causing trouble, im mending foreign reltions
dont shout
ive done nothing wrong
wow, hes mad
depression
(the following killed the holiday)
mam: whats wrong?
nothing
there is
there isnt
you miss home dont you
no, not really
your having withdrawl from the internet and exa (she said exas first name, but im not repeating it in the otf incase...well incase anything )
what?
how old is she?
what?
from austria?
What? (i was saying what alot because of the shock)
You left the window up one night
no, i didnt, you made me come right off and leave the window up
and i saw it
saw? you mean read it?
yes
why?
i have a right to
no you dont, i have a right to privacy
so how old is she
mam, i dont want to go through this with you
ok ok
(rest of night=shock)
where when why how
well at least dad doesnt know, oh..she told him
Day six -Marsailles
Ok, im at breaking point, i dont need all the arguing and all the mam knowing things about me stuff going on
so today i was just taking nothing
so i get of in marsailles
wow, it smells bad here.
French people on the streets
i might say hello to one
'bonjour'
ignored
'salut?'
he looks at me
'cava?'
ignored
ok, why dont you greet me like the french women said you would
im angry and sad
shopping time
wow, books CDs Dvds
all in french
oh well, will go to the cafe upstairs
women comes over, she is smiling she says something in french, which meant 'what can i get you' or somethign along those lines
Two orange.....i stop talking
she heard me speak english and actually sighed, looked disgusted and angry
come on, is it my fault i was born in england?
ok fine, i will do it your way
'Deux orangina (name of drink) et un coca cola sil vou plais (sp)'
she laughed
ok dont laugh
dont mock
i said it english you whine
i say it in french you laugh
want me to do pig latin?
got back on boat furious
leaving dinner
yum
tipped nice waiters
told managers the number of the waiter and how good they have been, suggested a raise for them
Day Seven departure
*yawn*
Get off boat
get on bus
get to airport
given luggage
get on plane
land in amsterdam
get on plane
land home
come home
come online
nobody online
bed
come back online today
post analysis of it
Gender: Female Location: every which way but loose
i want to look good
well you dont need a tiny imprint of 'gucci' to look good, look, over there, the same bag without it
but then it isnt gucci
who will know
i will
so?
So exactly
that makes no sense
yes it does
Classic!
one of the boys tells me 'she wants to **** you'
and i figure its her little brother being annoying like they are, so i laugh
then she basically says it to me herself
so i laugh again, come on man, your like what, 13? im only 14 but still, slow yourself down. no.
little brother hits me across the head
who does he think he is?
he does it again
i tell him im going to drown him if he does it again
oh shit, he has a big brother
who asks me if i have 'Une Problem'
so i basically sit and argue with all these people for about an hour
so some other girl gets in, and i talk to her, shes 13 too, from germany though, so im talking to her, shes being nice, wow, germans are nice.
damn you french! when i get home im going to watch ww1 dramas and cheer for the germans, burn pari, burn!
so her being nice to me, and being german makes her a lil bit of a target for the flurry of french abuse flying around in the jacuzzi
so i defend her, because shes young and innocent, she doesnt need to be abused by french for doing nothing
oh great, i got splashed
lil french boy leans over
'i...dont......like.....your....teeth'
well, im english, we have bad teeth, get over it.
i tell him 'i dont like any of you, but its my problem and i choose not to air it, you should do the same'
wow, i think, im so civil
im splashed again
ok, this waters hot, its a jacuzzi stop throwing it in my eyes
they do it again
ok, i dont care about anglo-franco relations, jack straw can worry about that, i just plain hate these people now!
so i decide to put some salt in the wounds
and ask them 'typical french manner, your doing alot of talking, but i know the second i stand up or raise a hand you'll shut up'
i know it was below the belt, but it felt so good to vent my fury on these people
they asked what i meant
DAMN IT! im blocked, i didnt want to mention the world wars when i was next to a german girl who at the moment i was friendly with incase either she was offended, or they went for her, of course i realised this, my cousin didnt.
he began singing 'how many wars did you pull out from?'
it was at this point i knew he took it too far.
he pointed at themand shouted ponce
they pointed at me and shouted 'america!' (because they apparently assisted america get freedom from us redcoats)
and then, it happened.
I was insulted
the german girl started speaking french to them, i didnt understand any, but then it turned bad!
they all pointed to her and shouted 'nazi'
oh ****
right, its on now
shes screaming god knows what at them
they are shitting themselves
then they compose and mock her, me, my cousin and just about everyone who ever lived that wasnt french
it was about to come to blows but then, over strolls this girls dads friend
'stop it'
he shouts, to me!
me?
'yes you'
im defending your friends daughter here
you get her in trouble
no i didnt
you did, you shit (he said shit in german, that word that sounds like sh-eye-zer i cant spell it in german, has a weird B in it )
i dont understand what your calling me you know, get lost
you tell me to piss off?
i said get lost
I dont like that! we find your parents!
he grabbed my arm
get off me
we find your parents!
he slapped the back of my head
what the ****, did this man just slap my head, im defending his family friend or whatever, im defending his country, whats wrong with the world, im a victim of friendly fire.
my uncle runs over
my dad runs over
im just thinking that we are going to get kicked off this ship the next stopim told to leave the jacuzzi
the german man apologises as just about every male in my family corners him
end of the jacuzzi
Holy crap, you should write a real diary extract entitled 'The Jacuzzi Moment', I'd buy it
mam: whats wrong?
nothing
there is
there isnt
you miss home dont you
no, not really
your having withdrawl from the internet and exa (she said exas first name, but im not repeating it in the otf incase...well incase anything )
what?
how old is she?
what?
from austria?
What? (i was saying what alot because of the shock)
You left the window up one night
no, i didnt, you made me come right off and leave the window up
and i saw it
saw? you mean read it?
yes
why?
i have a right to
no you dont, i have a right to privacy
so how old is she
mam, i dont want to go through this with you
ok ok
(rest of night=shock)
where when why how
well at least dad doesnt know, oh..she told him
Evil privacy invaders. They are conspiratorial team mates, making you do things like leave the comp at crucial moments when they know there'll be something juicy for them to read behind your back Man, I feel your pain
I dont have them on pc at the moment
but i will get them up soon
and you know what worries me, my mum knew her first name, where she was from and everything, just from apparently 'reading this one window'
how did she manage that, i dont say exas real name in every window, and i dont talk about where she lives or anything, my mum must have access to alot of convos
__________________ With the first link, the chain is forged. The first speech censored, the first thought forbidden, the first freedom denied, chains us all irrevocably.These words were uttered by Judge Aaron Satie -- as awisdom, and warning. The first time any man's freedom is trodden on, we're all damaged.
"One ought never to turn one's back on a threatened danger and try to run away from it. If you do that, you will double the danger. But if you meet it promptly and without flinching, you will reduce the danger by half.-----Sir Winston Churchill
KMC Community Forums
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Oct 31st, 2004 02:59 PM
heheheehehe...i was wondering where you were at last week 
Man, I feel your pain 
*gaspness!*
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