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Help With Script
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Vendetta
Jamaican me crazy MON!

Gender: Male
Location: Sydney, Australia

Help With Script

I'm new to this forum but some of you may know of me so anyway I write film scripts and I've been writing this side script it’s a western theme but the feel of an anime style shot. It'd be great if you guys could tell me what you think of the start of the script whether its shit, good, what you'd like to see what needs to be cut. Its told in Noir style setting like Max Payne so when you see (V.O.) it means "voice over" like a narrator but the main character is telling his/her thoughts,
Cheers :thumbsup:


PS: It's a really ruff copy so any mistakes or grammer just over look it. embarrasment

PSS: Axle is the main character. big grin




quote:
FADE IN:

1 EXT. JUST OUTSIDE OF BRIMSTONE - DAY

A storm is brewing in the midst as the wind throws the dust it blankets the dry & dead wood of the town settles a figure merges from the distance, a stranger to the town, AXLE BLAKE… a BOUNTY HUNTER on investigation of rumors that a large bounty is in Brimstone, MR. BLACK. Merging form the dust storm Axle Blake stops in front of the town. Brimstone has been over run by Mr. Black and minions killing anyone who has look them the wrong way. Mr. Black and his men were still in town.

Axle Blake (V.O.)

Brimstone, A town raped, over ran by town bandits, they bunt half of it down, dead bodies being torn up as food for the vultures. I’m in town of rumors of a high price bounty, Mr. Black the man behind the town looting.

A scorpion sitting on a stone sun baking, it creeps under it away from vision As Axle passes it by. The banging of the splinter bounded doors of an old dried up saloon caught Axle’s attention. A place of only tacky woman, cheap whisky and a pillow to use for the night, Axle went investigated if Mr. Black was about.


2 INT. SALOON OF BRIMSTONE

The clacking of Axle’s shoes get louder just like the shadow of Axle grows towards the double doors Axle approaches and pushes the old dried up red rusty hinged door of the saloon. Axle stops and soaks in the room while everyone’s eyes are glued to Axle. To Axle’s luck Mr. Black is sitting by the bar, holding up the bar tented making him poor free drinks.

Axle Blake (V.O)
As my luck with gods, Mr. Black is at the bar drinking after a hard days work, while his men play cards, abuse woman and get ready for a new chapter in the book of plundering.








Everyone looks at Axle walking on the creaking floor boards toward the bar, sits down on stool were the paint is worn out on the seat. Axle eyes meets the bar tenders eyes, Axle nods to the bar tender, bar tender pours the only beverage on the menu a dry, woody, rough whisky. Bar tender slides the drink down to Axle, but swift motion of a blur stops the whisky in it’s tracks, Mr. Black taking Axle’s drink and calling it his own.

Axle gets up with still with everyone’s eyes gulled to Axle and walks to Mr. Black till Axle is hovering over Mr. Black.


MR. BLACK

Dance with the devil, and your gonna get burnt.



Axle laughs quietly; with a one swift motion Axle kicks one of the legs of Mr. Black’s stool Mr. Black falls down on to his chin slamming it on the bar, spins, then falls on the floor. Most of the men in the saloon stand up and reveals there artillery; all the women scamper into the separate rooms and lock the doors. Axle relies that all the men standing is Mr. Black’s men. Axle moves to the middle of room Axle shows concentration in his eyes, smiles and then laughs a little.


Axle says under his breath…

AXLE

Let’s dance!

Axle reveals the two revolvers he was hiding behind his coat, Mr. Black’s men coming in all directions, the revolvers like extensions of Axle’s hands his movement so swift, fast, giving no chance for Mr. Black’s men. Axle runs out of bullets, a lose table top that has a pistol among the deck of cards, Axle kicks the table top the pistol flies towards Axle like the deadly strike of a scorpion, the table top flying over Axle hitting one of the men in the face behind Axle, Axle unloads the pistol to the remaining men as the poker cards float to the floor.


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Old Post Jan 23rd, 2006 01:19 PM
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Syren
dreaming

Gender: Female
Location: every which way but loose

Have you written any successful film scripts?


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ThorinWoofer

Old Post Jan 23rd, 2006 02:43 PM
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Vendetta
Jamaican me crazy MON!

Gender: Male
Location: Sydney, Australia

quote: (post)
Originally posted by Syren
Have you written any successful film scripts?


No I'm only 20 wink , btw sorry if the script is sloppy I wrote it like an hour ago at 1.30am in the morn. stick out tongue


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Old Post Jan 23rd, 2006 03:30 PM
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Syren
dreaming

Gender: Female
Location: every which way but loose

No problem big grin

I was just wondering if this was one of your first attempts, whether you had any more and what you're planning to do as a career... anything involving scriptwork?


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ThorinWoofer

Old Post Jan 23rd, 2006 03:34 PM
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Vendetta
Jamaican me crazy MON!

Gender: Male
Location: Sydney, Australia

ATM I'm studying Directing at The Sydney International Film School, I've been writing feature length movie scripts since forever when I finish film school I will be flying to LA to sell and direct my scripts.


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Old Post Jan 23rd, 2006 04:44 PM
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