KMC Forums - Isn't the internet great? (Apologies if this has been posted before by cooler people)

To all of you:
>
>I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the
>glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every
>envelope that needs sealing.
>
>Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same
>reason.
>
>I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
>Brown)
>who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
>
>I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive
>the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending Me for
>participating in their special e-mail program.
>
>I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
>out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
>
>I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
>freaks with no eyes or feathers.
>
>I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
>Water buffalo on a hot day.
>
>Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
>forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
>minutes.
>
>Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
>remove toilet stains.
>
>I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the Car
>so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
>
>I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these
>products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
>
>I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
>
>And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave
>anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
>
>I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
>Pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
>
>I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
>perfume sample and rob me.
>
>I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually
>Al Qaeda in disguise.
>
>I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
>American troops or the Salvation Army.
>
>I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
>Number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,
>Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
>
>I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive My
>free replacement pair from Nike.
>
>I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have
>their recipe.
>
>Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown
>African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when
>it bites my butt.
>
>Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can
>live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.
>
>And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped In
>the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester
>waiting underneath my car to grab my leg. Oh, and don't forget this one
>either!
>
>I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas
>companies!
>
>If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
>minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM
>this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,
>causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
>actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's
>ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
>
>Have a wonderful day....
>
>
>
>
>New Study
>
>A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has
>discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity Read
>their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
>
>Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late