KMC Forums - Genuine Complaint to Embra (Edinburgh) police

found this in my e-mail.

this is quality:

Here's a thought for all the Embra dwellers on the service your boys
in blue/black/yellow provide. True email sent to the force, lengthy
but absolutely brilliantly written.....

Anonymised correspondence from a member of the public

Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service

Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Leith
police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the
idea and try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as
to pass this message on to your colleagues in Leith by means of smoke
signal, carrier pigeon or ouji board.

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical
experiments (I think you call them youths) in West Cromwell Street
which is just off Commercial Street in Leith. Six of them seem happy
enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an
iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth
shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building. This
game is now in it's third week and as I am unsure how the scoring
system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through
several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so
thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a
saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I
fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited
attention to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on it's side
between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their
own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would
even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are
far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just
finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this. after replying to this e-mail with worthless
assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt
with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath
night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a
panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again.
This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what
policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a clawhammer to the skull of one of these
throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month
head start before coming to arrest me.

I remain sir, your obedient servant
?????????

Mr ??????,

I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the
problems caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you
have encountered in trying to contact the police.

As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend
an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.

Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details
(address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

Regards

PC ???
?????????????
Community Beat Officer

Dear PC ?????

First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my
original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record
for Leith Police station and rest assured that I will forward these
details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has it's own
community beat officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on
your covert skills. In the five or so years I have lived in West
Cromwell Street, I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have
you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the
one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a
chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before
you are headhunted by MI5.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking
place in Leith such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim
without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman
to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to
these t***s that they might want to play their strange football game
elsewhere. The pitch behind the Citadel or the one at DKs are both
within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Albert Dock.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free
to contact me on ??? ????. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to
answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Compass Bar.

Regards
???????

P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you
don't work for the cleansing department.