Harry Pothead and the stoned philosopher. The original Carry on Story! :)
Carry on the story!-
"**** off Dumbledore you old ****" ,
said Harry as he drew deeply on the Lambert he had stolen earlier from a tramp.
"But Harry" , said the headmaster , his face lined with concern, "what of your studies , and you have a fine Quidditch career ahead of you too"
"quidditch is for wankers , you'll find me in the Den on a Saturday mate"
"I'd rather be a paki than a turk , yes I'd rather be a paki than a Turk ..."
Dumbledore could only watch in despair ,and reach into his desk for the gin, as Harry ran chanting down the hallway tearing flyers from the notice boards.
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For Ron Weasly things were much more straight forward these days , gone were the worrying classes and having to cram for tests he knew he would fail.
He thought bitterly of Harry , Harry who had all the natural talent that he himself did not possess. Things came so easily to Harry he reflected as he watched the Murky brown liquid begin to bubble in the rusty spoon.
He Hated Harry now , Harry the golden boy who was everyone's favourite , even Ron's own mother preferred him , how she chided and bullied him to be more like Harry he grimaced as he wrapped the belt around his arm , and what of the little Speccy **** himself.
It was not as if Ron had actually done anything , he merely reached out his hand, it was only one kiss there was no need for him to react so violently.
as he slid the grimy needle into his scabourous arm he saw the image again in his mind , His nose bleeding from the head butt as Harry kicked him again and again shouting abuse , "you fat ginger puff" , well Ron wasn't fat anymore he smiled,
"flippendo" he sighed as the ajax cut heroin kicked into his system and blew all his cares away.
Hermione felt sick , not the kind of Nausea she got from too many spells or too many chocolate frogs from "Honeydukes" , but a different feeling, she felt hot and dizzy too.
"Come on Hermione drink up" said Fred Weasly handing her another bottle of White Lightning,
"yeah" said George as he rolled another pencil thin joint, "your killing the mood".
She took another mouthful of the Luke warm super strength cider and suppressed a gag reflex until it had travelled into her stomach and burned like battery acid.
"so do you know what a spit roast is Herm?" said George smiling oddly,
His brother laughed and put his hand on her leg.
"how long does this Rohypnol stuff take Bro?" , said Fred as he slid his hand up Hermione's thigh and under her dress.
She tried to pull away but could hardly move , her head was spinning and her tongue felt fat in her mouth , she spluttered and shook her head as Fred Pushed her to the ground , she could feel hands on her body and the last thing she remembered was seeing George taking his trousers down and laughing before everything went black.
"well I suppose those wizarding skills are good for something " Harry thought to himself as he watched the Toyota burn , now he had to get across to Lee Jordan's flat to pick up a 1000 E's Dobby had tipped him off about.
He took his foot off Draco Malfoys throat and looked down at him , he was purple ,
"you had enough, you ****ing nonce or what" , sneered Harry,
Draco gurgled and blood leaked down his chin , Gave him a quick one to the ribs as a refresher ,
"I asked you a ****ing question , you had enough "
He punctuated it with another kick , this time to the groin.
Malfoy curled into a foetal ball groaning , "yesss" he managed weakly.
Harry leaned down and grabbed him by the hair,
"good , now remember I see your ****ing face around here again I'm gonna cut your withered balls off you understand, I'm the ****ing Daddy now".
Dropping him on to the concrete Harry spat on his prone figure , straightened his baseball cap and set off for Jordan's.
"Well this is grave news" said Dumbledore frowning ,
"I'm sorry to have to break it to you professor " , said the detective, "but we have searched the computer hard drive and their is a large cache of frankly disturbing pictures"
who would have thought it , pondered Dumbledore ,Hagrid , a kiddy fiddler , he needed a gin and a good sit down , Rita Skeeter was going to have a field day with this.
"please don't apologise , I appreciate you are just doing your job , take the filthy hairy bastard away" , said Dumbledore smiling.
"now" he thought , "I wonder if I can persuade miss McGonagall to take it in the back door tonight".
Professor Snape started as he heard footsteps in the corridor outside his room,
he held his breath till they had passed , he was wary despite the warding spell he had on the room , he let out a sigh and was pleased at the constriction around his chest from the patent skin-tight leather bustier , he carried on fastening his stockings , now the damned Potter boy was gone he could finally relax and begin attending Village people night at the Three broomsticks.
He gazed at his wig collection , finally deciding on the "Lana Turner" then set about applying his lipstick.
hacker is my friend and he originaly posted this for a carry on but now we cant carry it on because its like a movie where you cant make sequels. so this might go to the gen fic area after all
huh? i heard that Harry Pothead and the Stoned philospher was a real book thats coming out in 2006 sometime and me and hacker we taking the piss out of it
I used to smoke hellish amounts of weed, I even drew designs for the house shields to accompany my ideas. I am proud of this idea, regardless of the reasons I had for coming up with it
KMC Community Forums
Dec 4th, 2004 07:15 PM
I'm going straight to the top with this, if no one apologises.
