my fannovel: Mobile Suit Gundam HALO

012 Tyrannical Era. The world fell into fascist hands. Many people tried to escape the terror by cresting colonies in space, but seemingly in vain. During the oppression, a young boy was separated from his sister, the only family he has known. Four years later, the boy grew and became a youthful soldier. He is Jasper Hawkes, 2nd lieutenant of the Space Colonial Army and pilot of the AGNUS GUNDAM. He thought that this is his opportunity to find his missing sister, but he will find more than what he has bargained for.

The space colonies and the rebels on Earth continued to defend themselves against the fascist world, scarcely knowing that they are not the only ones fighting for freedom and justice, for a group of small extremists are shattering the fascists apart using their GUNDAMs..........................................

Please comment. I accept constructive criticisms.

sorry but gundam 00 is kinda close to this already, and endless waltz is close kinda as well

Alright. Constructive Criticism firing away.

While there is a generally Gundam-like feel to the story idea, there's a lot of things that I don't think work very well together:

-First off, why is it called Gundam HALO? Generally, Gundam shows are named after something highly relevant to the series (for instance, Gundam Z had the Zeta Gundam as its main 'hero mech'.) Your synopsis said nothing about why it was called Gundam HALO... if there is a proper reason, it'd be interesting to hear. If there is no reason, it might work better if you chose a name that had to do with something in the story.

-012 Tyrannical Era sounds like a really weird Era name, seeing as the people who name the Calendar initials (in this case, TE for Tyrannical Era) wouldn't be calling themselves tyrants.

-What is the organizational name of said fascists? You know, like Zeon or ZAFT in the other shows... not as if those were necessarily fascist themselves... but your 'evil' government still needs a name.

-Why was the colony plan in vain? Did the 'fascists' lead hostile takeovers on the colonies? Were the colonies destroyed by the fascists during construction? Was the funding for the colonies seized by the fascists? There needs to be what and why applied here.

-How powerful are Gundams (or in this case, GUNDAMs) in comparison to standard Mobile Suits? More powerful? Far more powerful? Cosmetic differences only? This also ties into the next point...

-Why is Jasper only a 2nd Lieutenant and yet he is allowed to pilot the AGNUS GUNDAM? Is he incredibly gifted? Is the AGNUS GUNDAM coded only to respond to his commands? Was there the classic 'young man accidentally gets into Prototype MS and beats the bejesus out of opposing forces' kind of scene? Or maybe...

- ...Is Jasper something of a 'new breed' of human or soldier? Does such a concept exist in the story? By 'new breed' I mean things such as Newtypes or SEED Bearers.

-What's the tech specifications of the Colonies and the fascists. What are their Mass-produced suits? What are their Prototype Suits? Do they have any secret military projects in development?

That's all I can think of for now, of the largest gaps in your story synopsis. If you take all those in mind, I'm sure you'll have at least a decent start to making your own Gundam storyline.

good criticism ✅

and i dont really like the name jasper srug

HALO means Human Advanced Learning Operation. It is somewhat similar to SEED factor. It is not the tyrants who tagged that era, it was the colonists who tried to escape from them. AD is still used on Earth. Fascists are called World Fascist Federation or WFF. The WFF started to attack the colonies one by one, stealthily. Each Gundams has each own abilities. For example, AGNUS is somewhat like strike with three plus "specter packs" and is made of vendettium, a metal that is slightly weaker to gundanium but far more heat and beam resistant, even surviving a beam attack stronger than wing zero's buster rifles. Jasper is a bio-engineered human not named yet. he is a HALO bearer. for now, the most addvanced mass produced units by the WFF's are called STINGRAIDS.

Here are the other gundams:

KYRIE: a gundam similar to wing zero plus a sattelite cannon that works without a sattelite. Piloted by Jacinth Mayers.

GLORIA: A sword bashing gundam similar to exia but looks like a girl and much more powerful. piloted by Lucia hawkes a.k.a. Lucy Nakata, Jasper's lost sister

REQUIEM: has two modes based on starcraft's high and dark templars. Piloted by Paul Bryans.

CREDO: a heavy artillery gundam with beam cannons, missile pods, gatling guns, etc. piloted by crimson eastwood.

SANCTUS: a gundam that is similar to starcraft's ghost. can snipe, summon a.i. mechs,use cloak, and launch nukes. piloted by kyle charles.

these guys are from the extremists faction called heaven's choir.

i forgot, AGNUS is the weakest of all GUNDAMS in the story unless piloted by someone who has the HALO factor.

the factions are: United Cosmic Alliance, The World Fascist Federation, Kingdom of Kalayaan (currently known as spratly islands.) which never fell into fascist hands, and the heaven's choir.

Interesting. The only thing that bugs me is each Gundam description as 'being like' an existing one.

Are you going more for focus on the gundams, or more towards oldskool focusing on soldiers from both sides and the soldiers who pilot MP suits?

Originally posted by jake hamoy
a sattelite cannon that works without a sattelite

Yeah. Um. Also that one bugs me. If it's just a huge beamgun, then it's a huge beamgun. Like Hyaku Shiki's Mega-Bazooka.

Actually, I'll point out the trouble with each Gundam, now that I see them all...

KYRIE GUNDAM- Seems just like a mix between XX Divider Gundam and Wing Zero.

GLORIA- Nothing in particular, besides what I've already said.

REQUIEM- What can I say? I don't play Protoss. Still, would be interesting to describe the abilities in an original way.

CREDO- Buster Gundam + Heavyarms Gundam. Er... yeah.

SANCTUS- Summoning A.I mechs... how would you scientifically explain that. Unless maybe you use BIT systems like in Gundam X... anyway. Physalis comes to mind at the mention of the nuke launching.

actually, i focus more on charaters than the gundams on both sides. actually, i loosely based them on existing gundams. in fact, i am trying to pit one army gundam vs. 5 gundams vs. the battalions of enemy armies. it's a free for all fight. requiem has two modes: the stealthy invisible gundam wielding staff with one beam scythe on one end and a solid state scythe on the other. the second form can cause electrical disruptions similar to cyclops system but is less powerful. summoning a.i. mechs is possible since the heaven's choir has a secret base that produces small nukes and a.i. mechs in pod. they are financed by an unknown billionairre.

Nearly every existing Gundam production has excellent character development as well as solid hardware. One doesn't negate the other.

Besides the slightly derivative Gundams, I'd say you've got something going here. =)

thanks. i never knew physalis can launch nukes. is physalis the gpo2a in gundam battle assault 2????

here are the characters for now:

Jasper Hawkes: a lad who never knew his parents. He survive an assault in kalayaan by fascists but was separated from his sister. thinks that being a soldier will help him find her sister.

Chitose Sakuraba: Jasper's operations partner. has secret feelings for jasper but is too shy to express it. pilots the Valkyrie high speed interstellar mobile armor.
Jacinth Mayers: once a young veteran soldier sent to middle east. he was trained since childhood how to fight.

Lucia Hawkes a.k.a. Lucy Nakata: Jasper's sister. she is a part time pop sensation at day and an extremist by night.

Paul Bryans: nothing is much known about this pe3rson but he likes playing arcade games.

Kyle Charles: AN ENIGMATIC PERSON KNOWN TO HAVE TWO PERSONALITIES.

Crimson Eastwood: a Person who is loved by a circus star named Solace. Almost apathetic.

any other comments, suggestions, criticisms?

Originally posted by jake hamoy
thanks. i never knew physalis can launch nukes. is physalis the gpo2a in gundam battle assault 2????

i think you are right. how about using advanced metal storms and cold fusion reactors in some of the MS. would it be alright? plasma energy?

is cybernetics enhancements, repair drones, nano and genetical enhancements and cyborgs have the right to enter the gundam world for advancement's sake?