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Immortality
Such a hateful world...
Gender: Female Location: Up Shit Creek |
What is the purpose of life?
Yo people,
Anyone got anything to say about the meaning of life or just anything about life, please post here. But in poetry.
I'll start off...
...My favourite kinda poetry! Dull!
Actually this one ain't that dull but what the hell...
A moment can last for a second
Or it can stretch for an eternity.
A moment can be a minute.
Or it can exist for a lifetime.
A moment can rekindle old memories
Or it can awaken new feelings.
A moment can find what time has lost
Or it can give a glimpse of what is to come.
We all know every moment is precious.
We all know every moment counts.
Cherish each moment
It won’t come again.
Our lives are for the making.
Our moments are ours for living.
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Nov 17th, 2006 09:02 PM |
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calvinNhobbes
Senior Member
Gender: Male Location: United States |
rough draft
Okay here goes my attempt. This is what I wrote off the top . It needs tweeking and refinement but I wanted to get this out so I would be commited to the challenge.
here goes.
Thoughts born one day
Give form to consciousness
Sifting through sensory perception
With neuron connections .
Transmitted messages accumulate through the years
And self awareness extends beyond the immediacy of the present
Such is the backflip we make into the societal pool.
We swim to the deep end to find ourselves
Only to find how alone we really are.
In frustration we flounder in the water looking for something to grasp on.
Once we realize our frantic actions are all that we battle against, serene acceptance of our position leads to the ability to stay afloat.
To learn to live
To give our own story on life
Our own color
Our own breath
Our own transcended peace
Born out of peace with ourselves
Life has no meaning.
Life happens and pushes you out
Just push back if you want to know what its all about
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And so it goes.
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Nov 18th, 2006 06:03 AM |
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Immortality
Such a hateful world...
Gender: Female Location: Up Shit Creek |
Impressive, very impressive.
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Nov 18th, 2006 09:26 AM |
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Immortality
Such a hateful world...
Gender: Female Location: Up Shit Creek |
I got another one, which I wrote during one of my mood swings, feedback would be nice.
Loneliness
Dark, morbid thoughts course through my mind.
I don’t know what it is that I’m trying to find.
Perhaps something that isn’t really there?
Or maybe it’s something that once used to be there,
But now there’s a big void where it should have been.
Maybe it’s hope that I’m looking for.
I feel so worthless, so out of place
Amongst all these people who are so self-absorbed.
Never have I felt so lonely,
Never have I felt so empty.
My heart is crying for mercy,
My soul is screaming for freedom.
I want to be free,
I want to walk away into the blissful peace of death,
Where darkness couldn’t tear at my every breath,
Where life would seem so perfect.
But who knows when that will be?
Loneliness is imprinted throughout my whole existence,
An existence far from perfect.
There is rumoured to be a paradise,
An individual’s private Utopia,
To make theirs as they will
If there is such a place,
Then when will I get to see mine?
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Nov 19th, 2006 10:33 AM |
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Immortality
Such a hateful world...
Gender: Female Location: Up Shit Creek |
This poem is actually based on some true feeling that I harbour inside of me and I'd really appreciate some feedback and constructive critisicm, thanks.
FOUR SEATS AWAY
I can’t help but block out the teacher’s voice,
Cuz my attention is on my heart’s choice.
How you sit so tall within this small classroom.
Making my heart race with a boom boom.
It’s such a shame what you won’t talk to me.
Cuz I’d really like to know you, you see.
I think about you everyday.
The boy who sits four seats away.
You don’t pay me any attention,
But I might end up getting detention,
Cuz I can’t focus on anything when you’re around.
Speaking to my heart as if with surround sound.
You dark hair mesmerises me,
The way it flows so free.
I’m reminded of the ocean when I look into your eyes,
An enticing blue which welcomes me with charming cries.
I wish I could stay with you all day,
The boy who sits four seats away.
It just trips me up that I can’t be with you.
There are so many reasons why we can’t be true.
Otherwise I’d try to make it work with you,
I’d chase you to the ends of the earth if I had to,
I’d lock you in my heart for all eternity.
But life is so much rougher where there’s modernity.
There’re always obstacles in the way.
No matter how hard I try to set them aside,
There’re certain rules by which I abide.
So love for the boy four seats away
Will be never be lai-d.
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Dec 9th, 2006 03:57 PM |
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calvinNhobbes
Senior Member
Gender: Male Location: United States |
Constructive Criticism
I like the second poem. Four Seats away. The begining was very well done and draws me back to a time I can remember in high school. So I give you kudos for that. The middle seems a little forced in some parts and I am not quite sure if the word choices were intentional or accidental. The ending part confused me a little because it made it seems as though you do have some type of relationship going on but I may have read it incorrectly. The cadence and timeing worked really well in you structure. Thanks for sharing this work with us. I will have to get back to you on the first one because I need to read it a few times to make sure I have a better idea of the feelings you are conveying. I mean off the bat it is dark and depressing but I would like to look for something deeper that I am not seeing at first glance.
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And so it goes.
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Dec 15th, 2006 03:32 AM |
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Immortality
Such a hateful world...
Gender: Female Location: Up Shit Creek |
Thanks, I'll see if I can change it around a bit to see if I can. It's kinda supposed to be a rap so you have to understand that some of the terms that I use in 'Four Seats Away' I wouldn't use when I write normal poems, like 'surround sound', and yeah it was deliberate.
The last stanza's supposed to be the impossibilities of having a relationship with this guy 'can't be true' meaning it just wouldn't be right.
Does that make it a little clearer?
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Dec 15th, 2006 05:12 PM |
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calvinNhobbes
Senior Member
Gender: Male Location: United States |
Can I have a moment?
I reread the first poem.
I liked it better the more I read it.
I had to adjust my speed as I read to get a comfortable rhythm out of it.
When I cut up the lines a little differently I found it to flow better for my taste. Here is an example. All the Ors can be used to give pause by taking up one line by themselves and , in my opinion, adding more power to the following line. That is just for me you may like a different tempo. Everyone dances to the beat of their own drum. The other issue I noticed with this poem is that it seems to be the type that stands out better when read aloud. Some poems seems to dance on their own but dance better when given voice. Anyway try these things on you own time and let me know what you think. The Dark poem I am still going to look over some more. I hope this helped.
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And so it goes.
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Dec 16th, 2006 03:29 AM |
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Immortality
Such a hateful world...
Gender: Female Location: Up Shit Creek |
Thanks! I'll have a look into it. Actually now that I've read it more carefully myself, it sounds more repetitive and stupid, I'll see it I can change that, and the last line totally does not go in rhythm with the rest of the poem, it sounds tedious. I'll have a fiddle about with it and see what I can do!
You know, you can submit some of your own poetry here, anything about the shittiness of life or the meaning of life, anything basically, as long as it's about life!
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Dec 16th, 2006 11:14 PM |
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Immortality
Such a hateful world...
Gender: Female Location: Up Shit Creek |
I appriciate the flattery but they ain't that good.
By the way people, you can post your own here.
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Dec 17th, 2006 10:49 AM |
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Immortality
Such a hateful world...
Gender: Female Location: Up Shit Creek |
I got another poem here that I wrote about a few days ago:
DARKNESS
Darkness, like a blanket, completely covers me.
Past it I can’t see.
Anger is coursing through my mind.
On everyone’s eyes there’s a blind.
Everything seems red,
Like blood, like signs of danger, promoting dread.
I wish someone would help me,
And allow me to be free.
But no one’s going to come
So I’ll have to suffice on being glum.
Like I always have been.
I should know that even the best of people can be mean,
They get a kick out of bullying you,
And it hurts for them to see what’s true.
And anything I say will be disclaimed,
And I’ll emerge looking shamed.
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Dec 17th, 2006 10:59 AM |
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Immortality
Such a hateful world...
Gender: Female Location: Up Shit Creek |
Glum and dark, as usual, for me anyway!
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Dec 17th, 2006 11:00 AM |
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Immortality
Such a hateful world...
Gender: Female Location: Up Shit Creek |
I went back to 'A Moment' and fiddled around with it a little, here it is:
A MOMENT
A moment can last for a second
But it can also stretch for an eternity.
A moment can be a minute.
Or it can exist for a lifetime.
A moment can rekindle old memories
But it can also awaken new feelings.
A moment can find what time has lost
Or it can give a glimpse of what is to come.
Every moment is precious.
Every moment counts.
Cherish each one
Because it won’t come again.
Lives are for living.
Moments are for making.
Never waste them
Because certain opportunities won't come again.
Better? Worse? OK the way it was?
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Dec 17th, 2006 01:34 PM |
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SouthernGirl814
Why Can't He Be Mine
Gender: Female Location: United States |
WOW My poems suck compared 2 urs ur really good keep writin
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Dec 17th, 2006 02:14 PM |
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Immortality
Such a hateful world...
Gender: Female Location: Up Shit Creek |
Thank you but please don't compare, I wouldn't say I'm good but I'm practicing. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses, right? Yours have a lot of strengths.
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Dec 17th, 2006 03:00 PM |
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SouthernGirl814
Why Can't He Be Mine
Gender: Female Location: United States |
Yea I'm practicing and learnin as I go along as u've seen urs are very deep
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Dec 17th, 2006 03:29 PM |
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Immortality
Such a hateful world...
Gender: Female Location: Up Shit Creek |
Good, keep goin man, those poems are really good and yeah, I suppose they are deep, to me anyway. Most of my poems are just improvised rants.
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Dec 17th, 2006 03:38 PM |
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SouthernGirl814
Why Can't He Be Mine
Gender: Female Location: United States |
thx and trust me they r deep and my poems most of the time have 2 be brought on by sumthin that happened that day or that I was talkin bout so
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Dec 17th, 2006 04:18 PM |
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Immortality
Such a hateful world...
Gender: Female Location: Up Shit Creek |
Inspiration can come from anything, mine comes from supressed feelings, I think.
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Dec 17th, 2006 04:40 PM |
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