i wonder if you still love me even though you have no memory of me
when we woke one morning, you didn't remember, and it hurt so badly
i know you most feel pain, but not from the memory loss but from cancer
and i know that me yelling at you isn't the answer
everything i want you to know is written in this letter
i hope then when your done reading it i'll feel better
i cheated on you not once not twice but three times
i've been convicted on several different crimes
i lied to you about my drinking and drank with friends
i also lied when i didn't cut anymore but i did on weekends
i was at the hospital when i said i went down south
because my foster parents called you a liar and a whore so i hit both of them in the mouth
i was always doing the same jackass shit i always loved to do
and sometimes i never got to say i love you
but now if i do i know you wouldn't matter
and knowing what i didn was wrong my heart has been shattered
i'm sorry for everything i did and i wish you could forgive me
if not i understand, i'll leave and let you be
but know this i still love you
and i hope you still love me to
this was kinda a true storry....something i'm not proud of
__________________
Thank you Scythe. "Take one last look at your shining Heaven, Imperius. For soon, nothing of it shall remain, but my laughter..."
This clearly means a lot to you, and there's a lot of powerful emotion here. I like it. My only real critism would be that you seem to be trying to hard to make your lines rhyme, which makes some of them run on a lot longer than others. It kind of upsets the rhythm of the poem.
That said, your message comes across clearly and you seem to have a pretty strong instinct for what you want to say.
__________________
"Give a man a fire and he will be warm for a night. Set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life"
Gender: Unspecified Location: The Land of Bernie Sanders
Well, you can hopefully only improve if you keep up at it.
You don't have to take this advice, but this is what I personally do when I write poetry. I have a notebook, and I just write down things that come to my mind, each on a seperate page. If I have more creative juices flowing for one verse or more, then I work at it. But if I don't, then I just flip the page, and start on something new. Maybe finish that other one a different day.
Gender: Female Location: Some where in the Poison Ivy
interesting really. your visualisation is good and again it is some thing that you have to work on to make it some more easily.
your rhythem is slightly odd though, maybe thinking about stanzas themselves as individuals may help you with this rather than thinking of the lines as individual lines as they make up some thing bigger and more profound.
but I really like what you have so far. keep going.
the blood, so warm, so crimson, runs down your face
i bend down and lick it all up, not leaving a trace
the taste, so rich, the blood, so thick, runs down my throat
you see the blood run faster and started to choke
i hold your neck and slit it, making a frsh river of blood
i'm drove to insanity, drinking all of it, my mouth starts to flood
your body goes limp, and i toss it away not knowing what to think
i look back at the mess, and started to crave for another drink
the blood, so warm, so crimson, is splattered everywhere
i run my fingers threw it, likcked it up, and looked at you without a care
the taste so rich, the blood, so thick, has done this to me
i walk out so i wont hurt again whispering "do you still love me?"
December's moon
the moon, full and red, hangs in the December night
filling your children to the brim with fright
the demons howl, and the crzies laugh with pain
the murderers come out to find the nex victim to slain
the dead burst threw their coffins, to creak and moan
the babbies and little children hear it, and shiver to the bone
the holy leave and the unholy rise from the ground
they kill anyone and everyone, terrorizing the town
the vampires drain the people, leaving them shriveled and dry
the werewolves tear apart their victim's leaving them to die
but sadly for them it all ends so quickly, so soon
they'll be back, to hunt under the December moon
__________________
Thank you Scythe. "Take one last look at your shining Heaven, Imperius. For soon, nothing of it shall remain, but my laughter..."
in my time of pain and sorrow, i wanted a dream to come true
to find someone who's pure at heart, that someone was you
before i found you, my life was a mess, the wrongs made me out of control
i was always depressed, hurting myself, drinking, proving that i had no soul
waiting, always to see if you would come, my personal wish
my special someone, to have and to hold, to love and to kiss
now i can't wait to wake from a long, restless night of sleep
just so i can talk to the person whom shown me feelings so deep
your eyes are deep with emotions, that are clear as the sky
your smile, so beautiful, is something that hides no lies
my heart goes crazy when i hear your harmonous voice
i asked Satan for someone to love, he gave me his best choice
no one can stand between us, no ex, no one new
i say this because i love you and you know its true
i dream of you every night, and think of you everyday
i lose myself in your voice and mezmeric sway
i can't put my love for you in anymore words
its something you'll see (and love) afterwards
Kiki...this is for you my love
__________________
Thank you Scythe. "Take one last look at your shining Heaven, Imperius. For soon, nothing of it shall remain, but my laughter..."
KMC Community Forums
my new poems
Nov 15th, 2007 01:40 PM
