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poetry of xyz
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poetry of xyz

Thought I'd make my own poems, it'd be cool to get some feedback on my creativity.

So this my pilot poem, I wrote it today, but I've had a vague idea of this poem for a year or so.


Working Title

Shining Moon, high at night
The protector when there is no light
I depend on thee
To guide me
And set me free
From fright

For the darkness is prominent
And I am independant
So I have my fears
Of knives and shears
I have no peers
Or acquaintance

I call thee moon, pray you stay
Until the safety of the day
Your light is faint
But you're a saint
Because when you iluminate
I say

I can see where I'm going, and it's all thanks to you.

I'm generally pleased with that, it's not bad for a first attempt anyway. So tell me what y'all think, and I'll be making another in the future.


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Bulbasaur, the original... Pepe.

Last edited by Raz on Jan 1st 2000 at 00:00AM

Old Post Aug 6th, 2008 08:00 PM
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Yeah, so no one's replied, but oh well, here's another.

"The bastard and the hero"

In a cell, as dark as night
Lays a bastard, full of fright
In an office, platinum white
Lays a hero, in plain sight

The bastard had lost the trial
And to society, all the while
The hero was the judge;
The public's corageous nudge

Had I been there, I would've spoke
Out in question to the folk
That who is the real one, in the smoke
Were we never once awoke?

They would laugh
Behind the staff
Who show the graph
On their behalf

As if it proves
All the grooves
And removes
What improves

An uncomfortable sight
That isn't the night
For the biggest fright
Is the blindness of white



In a cell, as dark as night
Lays a hero, riddled with fright
In an office, platinum white
Lays a bastard, hidden in sight


Again, feedback would be appreciated.


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Bulbasaur, the original... Pepe.

Last edited by Raz on Jan 1st 2000 at 00:00AM

Old Post Aug 7th, 2008 09:06 PM
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Bardock42
Junior Member

Gender: Unspecified
Location: With Cinderella and the 9 Dwarves

Re: poetry of xyz

quote: (post)
Originally posted by lord xyz
Thought I'd make my own poems, it'd be cool to get some feedback on my creativity.

So this my pilot poem, I wrote it today, but I've had a vague idea of this poem for a year or so.


Working Title

Shining Moon, high at night
The protector when there is no light
I depend on thee
To guide me
And set me free
From fright

For the darkness is prominent
And I am independant
So I have my fears
Of knives and shears
I have no peers
Or acquaintance

I call thee moon, pray you stay
Until the safety of the day
Your light is faint
But you're a saint
Because when you iluminate
I say

I can see where I'm going, and it's all thanks to you.

I'm generally pleased with that, it's not bad for a first attempt anyway. So tell me what y'all think, and I'll be making another in the future.


Honestly....better than most stuff I read on here.

I really, really hated this "For the darkness is prominent
And I am independant". Just horrible rhyming and extremely lame.

But keep it up.


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Old Post Aug 7th, 2008 10:36 PM
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King of Blades
The King

Gender: Male
Location: The South

quote: (post)
Originally posted by lord xyz
In a cell, as dark as night
Lays a hero, riddled with fright
In an office, platinum white
Lays a bastard, hidden in sight


And that was about the best part of it. Good work all in all, if this is your first time, then your obviously on a good start. Keep on keeping on...


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Old Post Aug 8th, 2008 01:26 AM
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quote: (post)
Originally posted by Bardock42
Honestly....better than most stuff I read on here.

I really, really hated this "For the darkness is prominent
And I am independant". Just horrible rhyming and extremely lame.

But keep it up.
Thanks, I'll try not to make that mistake again.


quote: (post)
Originally posted by King of Blades
And that was about the best part of it. Good work all in all, if this is your first time, then your obviously on a good start. Keep on keeping on...
Thanks as well.


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Bulbasaur, the original... Pepe.

Last edited by Raz on Jan 1st 2000 at 00:00AM

Old Post Aug 8th, 2008 10:28 PM
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Bat Dude
In God I Trust

Gender: Male
Location: Where I need to be

It's all good stuff...

But the "Bastard and Hero" one has some kinda cheesy rhymes (removes what improves? What exactly does that mean?)


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Old Post Aug 8th, 2008 10:32 PM
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It's xyz!
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quote: (post)
Originally posted by Bat Dude
It's all good stuff...

But the "Bastard and Hero" one has some kinda cheesy rhymes (removes what improves? What exactly does that mean?)
"What improves" is like me in the poem, the stuff that opens people's minds, effectively making them better. The hero and staff remove it, as it makes them not a hero or staff anymore.

Anyway, this one has a lighter tone, I guess.

"Happiness in two ways"

Indulgence of power
A present, a flower
Respect and admire
Beauty, desire
Pedestal above
Uncontrollable love
In charge of all
A breeding call
Biggest sword
Biggest…

The greatest there
The best, to her


Feedback appreciated.


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Bulbasaur, the original... Pepe.

Last edited by Raz on Jan 1st 2000 at 00:00AM

Old Post Aug 8th, 2008 11:10 PM
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Sancty
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Gender: Female
Location: -

Re: poetry of xyz

quote: (post)
Originally posted by lord xyz
Your light is faint
But you're a saint

I didn't like these 2 lines.

But the rest was really good. yes


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taft

Old Post Aug 8th, 2008 11:15 PM
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I'm gonna remaster the first poem some time in the future, with a title and everything. Looks like it needs it.


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Bulbasaur, the original... Pepe.

Last edited by Raz on Jan 1st 2000 at 00:00AM

Old Post Aug 8th, 2008 11:32 PM
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It's been a while, but oh well. This is a joke poem if anything.

"The races we have"

There's your chinks
your eskimos
and those who think
that girls are hoes

Smelly arabs
smelly pakers
loony toon bombs
and racist crackers

Aussies use Boran
And boomer
Americans use Boran
and bow bender

Krauts are German
and Frogs are French
Icelandic fisherman
are scrobs with stench

Coon, nigga
are US blacks
white trash, wigger
getting their own back

beanbags are also used
so is yick
for hispanics and jews
are you sick

There are many slurs
I love them all
None I prefer
I love them all


This website was very helpful: http://www.rsdb.org/

No, I'm not racist and I don't like racism outside of comedy. Shut the **** up FOTN.


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Bulbasaur, the original... Pepe.

Last edited by Raz on Jan 1st 2000 at 00:00AM

Old Post Aug 14th, 2008 01:25 PM
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Bardock42
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Gender: Unspecified
Location: With Cinderella and the 9 Dwarves

More Michael Richards than Lenny Bruce, I may say.


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Old Post Aug 14th, 2008 01:33 PM
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Lara
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Gender: Female
Location: Some where in the Poison Ivy

alternative to say the least. no expression


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be who you are not what they want you to be!

blessed be x

Old Post Aug 14th, 2008 01:43 PM
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quote: (post)
Originally posted by Bardock42
More Michael Richards than Lenny Bruce, I may say.
That's cold, Bardock.


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Bulbasaur, the original... Pepe.

Last edited by Raz on Jan 1st 2000 at 00:00AM

Old Post Aug 14th, 2008 02:25 PM
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Council#13
The Omega Male

Gender: Male
Location: In your pants

laughing out loud Your title rhymes! You're a natural poet! eek! Cool poems, too. I like the first one the most.


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"Today was good. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one." -Dr. Seuss

Old Post Aug 20th, 2008 10:12 AM
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quote: (post)
Originally posted by Council#13
laughing out loud Your title rhymes! You're a natural poet! eek! Cool poems, too. I like the first one the most.
It does?

Edit: Oh, poetry of "ex why zee". I get it.


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Bulbasaur, the original... Pepe.

Last edited by Raz on Jan 1st 2000 at 00:00AM

Old Post Aug 20th, 2008 09:46 PM
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"Shining Moon" (First one remastered)

Shining Moon, high at night
The protector when there is no light
I depend on thee
To guide me
And set me free
From fright

My thoughts and feelings are torn and lost
I feel like I can't handle the frost
Or my fears
Of knives and shears
I have no peers
To help me, regardless of cost

The sun is like a guardian
For mammels birds and amphibians
Reptiles and fish
Without a wish
And is a dish
To plantation

But when the sun has dissapeared
No matter how much it is revered
You arrive
So we survive
Are kept alive
Because you volunteered

I call thee moon, pray you stay
Until the safety of the day
To comprehend
How we depend
As a friend
I say

I can see the light and keep my life, and it's all thanks to you.


I'm more pleased of this version.

Feedback, opinions, etc.


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Bulbasaur, the original... Pepe.

Last edited by Raz on Jan 1st 2000 at 00:00AM

Old Post Aug 27th, 2008 10:11 PM
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Deja~vu
Dreamer

Gender: Female
Location: Michigan

Like the last one a lot, Mr. Sociopath........hahahahah...j/k

Your stuff is very enchanting and I like that. I also like using nature, lunar, sun or stars in my writings.

Nice.


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Old Post Aug 27th, 2008 10:34 PM
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Thank you.


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Bulbasaur, the original... Pepe.

Last edited by Raz on Jan 1st 2000 at 00:00AM

Old Post Aug 29th, 2008 11:33 PM
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What, I finally make a great poem and now no one cares?


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Bulbasaur, the original... Pepe.

Last edited by Raz on Jan 1st 2000 at 00:00AM

Old Post Sep 3rd, 2008 12:07 AM
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Bardock42
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Location: With Cinderella and the 9 Dwarves

quote: (post)
Originally posted by lord xyz
What, I finally make a great poem and now no one cares?
Don't like it. I think you posted better.


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Old Post Sep 3rd, 2008 10:26 AM
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