goddess in training
Location: City of LIfe
So cold, so lonely
First thing to say is that i can't believe that i got so bored that i actually wrote this but as i did, please read it, i don't actually think that its too bad
no lets be truthful - tis damn good!!
So cold, so lonely
In the darkness, the cold mist swirled around them but they didn’t notice, to absorbed by each other, their flamboyant presence exciting everyone else, embarrassing them, as James Potter turned away from his best friends they were all young again. The past was behind them.
Evening drew on and the party returned home, a birthday celebration, cake and butterbeer passed around and a sense of foreboding hanging over them as they watched each other from across the room, somehow they knew this would be their last night together. Sirius smiled, catching the eye of his lover, birthday boy, the man of the evening.
‘Its getting late,’ he mouthed across the room, Sirius couldn’t hear the others around him as Remus’ voice filled his head and his knees went weak, ‘No-one will notice if we go.’
Upstairs, they lay together, hearing the guests leave, Remus turned to him and Sirius stared into his eyes, loosing himself, having lost himself, that smile was there, playing about his lips and suddenly he was serious,
‘Sirius, I need to speak,’
‘Not now, it can wait, until tomorrow.’ Sirius stopped him with a short kiss that became deeper and more passionate; he found Remus’ side and pulled him in closer, holding onto him, living through him. Neither man wanted to let go; they lay there, trying to memorize the other, taking in their every detail, knowing that tomorrow it would all change.
Remus woke up to a cold morning and found himself alone, a dull dread pounding on his heart, he quickly turned to where Sirius had been the night before and saw the note.
Just to say that I loved you and always will.
I can’t see you any more for a time now and I want you to know why but I have been sworn into secrecy, no one knows but the people who sent me off. I will be in touch with you all, every one of you, tell James because he does not believe me.
I will forever remember last night, it is my lasting memory of us together, and now, knowing that I will never see you again, I know it will be all that keeps me sane. Your touch is haunting me already as I write this by your side. I long to turn back, to lie down by your side and just be there, with you. But I can’t, I hope you can understand that I loved you so very much.
I loved you forever and always, I can never say it too much, today is the tomorrow that should never have come. But its here.
I cannot act against my fate, I am compelled to leave.
Beautiful, I miss you, I loved you and I know that by now you must hate me, if you don’t, you are stronger than me.
Forget I ever existed.
Remus read it through again, same old Sirius, he thought, uncertain and melodramatic. He smiled fondly at the parchment and moved on, there is only one direction for the separated, forwards. They would meet again, that was destiny.
So cold, so lonely, I sit alone in my prison cell, lost amongst those who no longer have the will to live as they go mad. So cold locked away. I didn’t do it. There are simple facts keeping me sane as the wind howls and I grasp at the wire fence holding me in, keeping me from them. From their kiss. Here on a damp and misty island, I finally have time to order my thoughts, lost in a whirlwind of emotions, I smile through my tears, shout our with the others, cry to the moon, and watch the squirming squealing victims enter begging.
Bad memories always find me here but at least I always have something to hold onto. My family haunt my waking moves, the malicious smiles of my father and mother, the noble line of Black, I cry. My brother, the fool that died, they were proud of him for what he did, nothing, they hate my name from the beginning, I am sorry that they have no pride in my supposed act. I’m not like them, I didn’t do it, my smile reeks of death as those memories draw to a close. I watch the chilling mist draw in, I feel the sinister haunted heartbeat, the waves crash, the wind blows and I find that thought and hold onto it. My sanity – I didn’t do it. It gives me the strength to smile.
I only have one regret, dear Moony, that you do not know the truth, and that if you did, you would not believe me. How could I expect you to trust me when I did not trust you? That is why I had to leave - I thought it was you. Now I have said it, stop it from finding me. My memory of your smile that last day, your birthday has almost killed me over the years, so serene and above it all, you were always mature, but you had grown up so suddenly. I missed you more each day that passed and I heard, small rumours, lies of where you were.
That day when I confronted him, my once friend, I did it for you, to win you back. I thought so much of you, I wish now that our love had never been tainted in this way. I wish I could re-live those hours when you were missing from my life, it’s not a happy thought, not anymore, it brings me dread, dread for the future, but it is honest. An honest dream that keeps my heart beating. They can’t take you from me locked up in this place. My memories will always have a place locked in my heart. The years we spent together, my silent love for you, our awkward moments of understanding, and your burning soft touch. None of it brings me happiness, but I could face anything with you by my side.
Do you believe them? Do you believe that I was bad? I’m sorry that I believed you possible of anything when I wouldn’t touch you, see you, hear you. I want you to hear me when I cry for you, when I shout out to you. Each day alone in here is torturing me. What do you believe?
‘Moony, I love you,’ I shout from behind these bars, your name is on my lips each night, muttered in my sleep. I howl to the moon each month and hope that you’ll understand - I long for the danger of your touch.
It’s so cold in here, the waves crash and I weep for you. Inside, I’m locked up waiting.
I didn’t do it.
Please hear me.
I love you, that’s what I forgot to say, but I say it now so fervently… I love you.
Sirius Black folded up the scraps of parchment and hid them away, wishing he could send a message to one person. His goodbye hadn’t been enough and he had tears streaming down his face.
Every time he read it, he felt the same; he was lost, small, a little boy in a dangerous world. Sirius Black needed a friend in the darkness of night.