Alright, before anyone starts reading this. Really, i'm a literal and intellegent person who never got a B on any English subject. So any mistakes of spelling I make is INTENTIONAL.
Second of all, this isn't ment to be intellegent. This is ment to be stupid, random, and thus funny. Alright, now lets get started.
Chapter 1: The Dursleys
Harry woke up in the middle of the night as his nose picked up a nasty smell.
"Goddamit Hegwid, if you fart again i'm a blow your head open" said Harry.
The owl cheerped at Harry. The owl knew who really farted, like fifty times in the past 5 hours of sleep.
"Thats right, yor sorry butt shouldn't be talking back to me" answered back Harry.
At this point of the story, you might wonder what happened to the heroic boy who saved so many lives...
It all began on one September morning, like no other. Harry was bored, and he did not know what to do. Then, he encountered a special spell he found in a book. A spell... A spell like no other!
Harry read the spell and wanted to try it, he heard it has amazing effects. And so, he read aloud the spell.
"Gutmeheigh!" He shouted as he pointed at his desk. Suddenly, a stack of herbs which looked like leaves of a maple tree except with alot of different pointing ends appeared on his desk.
The book said to burn them and inhale them.
AND THAT, is how, Harry Potter, the boy who lived, got addicted to drugs.
Suddenly a brown dusty colored owl hit the window with a clang.
"NO Hegwid, I'm not giving you any of my Marijuana you stupid bag of soysauce mixed with beatrice!!!!!" said the sleepy Harry Potter.
Then, a letter came through the slip in the window. Harry opened the letter, in the proccess accidentaly sticking it up his own nose. The letter was from the Weasleys, saying that they will be coming to the Dursley's house to take him to the Burrow.
"Hedwig, doez you thinkas that we can persade Ron to try this stuvv?"
asked Harry smacking his head against the table a few times before realizing what he was doing.
"Hahaha, Hedwig. Yo wunna know somethingz hilarious?" asked Harry sniffing some Marijuana.
"Ya know where weasles livez in?"
And with that Harry began laughing, and then was abruptly stopped when the window lock broke apart and the window slammed into Harry's face.
Harry was lying on his bed, looking surprisingly somber. On each of his knuckles in both hands were formed the words "Gangster"
Harry looked over at snow white Hedwig. "Hey cracker, you think I can become a real gangsta?!" asked Harry.
And then, Harry heard a boom downstairs. Harry laughed for a few seconds. Then, he abruptly stopped. "Wait, what the hell, that wasn't my fart" Harry reclined.
"Hedwig, do you think it might be the spirit of Toupac?" asked Harry. Harry's eyes lit up at the idea and he ran downstairs.
What he saw was Mr.Weasley in his brown robes, covered in ash.
"What the ****, you aint no Toupac!" said Harry.
"Hey there, Harry! Using new Muggle terms are you? ****? What does that mean" said Mr.Weasley.
"Oh, it means my darling. You should say it to Mrs. Weazl." answered Harry.
"Dat would be very kewl, ya know, with you acting all Muggle in your house" added Harry.
"Good idea, Harry! I'll do that immediately once I get home" said Mr. Weasley. "So Harry, are you ready and packed?"
"Do I ****ing look like i'm ready and packed? I'm not high am I?" replied Harry.
"Oh dont worry about your height, you grew A LOT since the last time I saw you" answered Mr. Weasley.
"Shut up nigga" stated Harry as he ran up to his room and began packing. Really, he didn't pack anything except a few packs of marijuana in cases he lost his wand somewhere and wouldn't be able to conjure it.
"Hedwig, I will take yo with me, butz only if you promise me yo will neva **** and pee on my dope again" said Harry as he took the cage.
"Later, we can teach yo to rap" said Harry going downstairs.
Harry stepped into the fireplace and threw the ash onto them. He waited.
"What the ****?" He said as nothing happened.
"Well well, Harry, you just have to say the name of the location you want to go to" said Mr. Weasley.
"Fo shizzle. I knew that. " Then Harry nodded but then stared at Mr.Weasley again.
"Am I going to ****ing have to feed you raw eggs, or will you ****ing tell me whats the name of the location were going to." said Harry, annoyed.
"Oh, it's the Burrow, Harry!" replied Mr. Weasley.
"My balls" replied Harry.
"BURROW!" Harry shouted and threw the ash down. He started twirling and spinning, and began having a nauseating feeling in the pits of his stomach similiar to the time he drank to drink a vodka mixed with cocaine.