*Apocalypse: Can change the molecules in his body to grow or shrink. Uber-strong.
*Mr. Sinister: Can rearrange molecules to heal, beams-from-hands
*Blob: Freaking fat piece of crap
*Mystique: She’s blue. Can also shape-shift
*Archangel: Can fly. Looks like an angel
*Jubilee: Makes pretty fireworks. Wears loud clothing
*Santa Claus: Brings gifts to all the good little boys and girls
*Donald Trump: Can summon Satan and also contact Hitler. Hair has some unknown properties.
Cyclops: Beams-from-eyes
Wolverine: Heals fast. Adamantium claws. Stick-up-ass-syndrome
Storm: Controls the weather
Collosus: Turns to metal. Uber-strong. Russian.
Xavier: Can turn minds to putty. Drives a hover-chair
Beast: Blue. Uses big words
Nightcrawler: Teleports. Also blue.
Hulk: Green. Uber-strong. Also stick-up-ass-syndrome.
Spider-Man: Clings to walls. Has webs, strength, agility, and Mary Jane.
*Juggernaut: Magical Uber-strong.
Captain America: Has a dorky shield. Kinda strong and stuff
Thor: Big hammer, otherwise a wimp.
Hawkeye: Lightning-from-de-ass. Really accurate with stuff (mostly arrows)
The Tick: Also blue. Strange but endearing sense of humor. Quasi-uber-strong
Arthur: The Tick’s sidekick. Wears a moth suit.
Aunt May: Bakes a mean pot roast
Superman: Way too many to list. Skin-tight body-costume
Wonder Woman: A hot chick with a lasso. Ole!
Green Lantern: Has the ring of power. Must destroy it in Mount Doom.
Flash: Fast
Martian Manhunter: Shape shifts, strength, telepathy, phasing
Batman: Some neat toys and gadgets. Otherwise a tool. Stick-up-ass-syndrome.
*Shocker: Speaking of tools…
*Venom: Spider-Man only stronger and weirder.
Daredevil: Spider-Man without the webs. Looks kinda like Ben Affleck.
*Kingpin: 2nd place in the fat piece of crap competition.
*Smythe: Kingpin’s assistant. Rides hover-style like Xavier.
*Magneto: Controls anything magnetic
*Robin: Batman’s life partner.
*Thanos: Can destroy planets with his pinky.
Krypto: Superman’s Dog.
Chairface Chippendale: Has a chair for a face.
Captain Marvel (DC): Says “Shazam” and stuff happens.
Silver Surfer: Can manipulate some molecules. Uber-powerful.
*Galactus: Eats the soul of planets
Thing: Strong. Stupid catch phrase.
Human Torch: Can light on fire and fly
Mr. Fantastic: Stretch Armstrong with brains
Invisible Woman: Figure it out
*Sentinels: Giant metal men that attack in swarms.
Black Cat: Hot and mysterious. Could kick Mary Jane’s ass.
Author: All-seeing, all-knowing. Great literary skills
Fanboy: Geek extreme. Too much knowledge of comics.
I, the author, will now set forth to establish which super heroes and super villains are the most powerful. They shall be pitted in heated combat as I see fit, and whoever reigns as the victor shall forever be superior to those that they beat. And since any comic book geek who reads this shall have numerous qualms with it (for who can please everyone?) I shall insert a character “Fanboy” into my comics. It will be his duty to say all the stupid, geekish things that a normal fanboy might utter such as “Spider-Man could beat Magneto because he’s cooler.” He will be tasked with keeping me in line so that nothing too preposterous occurs.
Book I
Scene: New York City, in a prominent and unmistakably evil-looking building. Kingpin (KP), the monstrous crime lord of New York, stands and surveys the city. His wheelchair-bound associate, Alistair Smythe, is with him.
The Kingpin was pissed
Kingpin: I’m pissed!
And so he decided to do what he does best…
KP: Smythe! Make some calls. I want the Sinister 17 here STAT! And get me some cream puffs!
Fanboy: It’s the Sinister 6.
Author: Shut up.
And thus the calls were made.
Smythe: Bad news Kingpin. Crazy McWhippy’s is out of cream puffs.
KP: Damn them. Have them hanged. Then chop up their bodies and feed them to hyenas. Then blow up the hyenas.
And so it was done.
Smythe: More bad news. Most of the 17 are on vacation or sick leave.
KP: Damn those union rules! Well, who’s left?
Smy: Shocker and Venom.
KP: Shocker?! He’s a tool. Why does he even have the “super” before “villain” anymore? Oh well, they’ll have to do. Bring them to me.
And so limos were sent to Shocker and Venom. Shocker took the limo. Venom didn’t like the look of his limo so he destroyed it, ate it, then pooped it out before swinging over to Kingpin’s pad. (Har! Swinging…pad…get it?)
KP: Gentlemen, welcome to my evil lair.
Venom: (licks his navel)
Shocker: I AM SHOCKER! I HAVE RAGE!
KP: Indeed. The reason I have called you here is the same reason I always call you here. We must destroy Spider-Man once and for all. My evil doings are completely stuck (Har!) because of him. I shall find him and then you shall destroy him! Hahaha!
And so all seemed well in the villians’ camp. But what Kingpin did not know was that Spider-Man’s friend Daredevil (DD) was hiding in the Kingpin’s butt crack (insanely fat evil villains are unaware of such intrusions) and so he quickly flushed himself out of there (har!) and found Spider-Man (SM) - who was exchanging romantically tense, ambiguous statements with Black Cat (BC).
SM: …why yes, Cat, my powers do extend to the bedroom.
BC: Oooh. How so?
SM: I can sleep on the ceiling. Hahaha! (both share a romantically tense laugh)
Daredevil enters.
DD: Spider-Man, I’ve come to warn you. The Kingpin is coming for you with Shocker and Venom.
SM: Shocker?! He’s a tool. Why does he even have the “super” before “villain” anymore? In any case, Kingpin’s like 0-50 against me, so I wouldn’t worry. Don’t you read the comics?
DD: Um…no. (Stares at Spider-Man accusingly until he realizes the continuity error he has just uttered).
SM: Oh!…right…errr…I’ll be on the lookout for his evil doings. What do you think about all of this Cat?
BC: Though I am hot and mysterious and could easily beat up Mary Jane, I don’t know what we should do.
DD: It would be best if we just stayed together so that he can’t ambush us.
SM: And so there’ll be three of us to hurl insults at Shocker instead of just one
All: Right.
And so the stage was set for an epic battle between Spider-Man and His Amazing Friends™ and his greatest adversaries. And Shocker.
Ask, and ye shall receive...I don't know how long this will end up being (probably until I get tired of doing it...lol) but for now there should be at least a few more installments.
Book II
Scene: An entirely different part of Earth, where our moth-like friend Arthur (AR) is just coming home with the groceries and is greeted by his companion The Tick. Little do they know that in another part of the city an evil plan is being hatched that will affect everything they know…even the Moon.
Arthur: Hi Tick. Um, what are you doing?
Tick sits at the kitchen table with a microwave dinner (macaroni), 5 forks, 2 straws, and a thermometer. He is looking intently at all of it.
Tick: Behold, my faithful chum, an experiment.
AR: An experiment of what?
Tick: Well, I was cooking this macaroni, and I had been testing it at regular intervals to see if it was warm enough to eat. And I tasted the same spot on two occasions, and the second time it was colder. My theory is that certain spots of the food can actually get colder while being heated in the microwave. Oh, noble science, how I love your strange ways.
AR: Hmm, well good luck with that (rolls his eyes). I’m going to make a pot roast.
Tick: A fine choice, good buddy. Make it so.
And so the pot roast was made. A tad overdone and dry, but on the whole it was an enjoyable feast. The Tick was never able to prove his theory, but he stuck firmly to it.
But little did they know that at that same moment, Chairface Chippendale, their great enemy, was finishing his plans to return to the moon. His ultimate goal in life was to have his name inscribed on the moon. Thus far, he had been able to write “C-H-A” on the moon with his giant laser before The Tick and Arthur thwarted his plans. His rocket, armed with the laser, was mere hours away from launch, and with The Tick not knowing about it, there was no one that could stop him.
But unfortunately for Chairface, the author’s omniscient voice carried over the entire city as he explained the secret plan, since he had been talking in an overly loud, melodramatic tone. And thus The Tick and Arthur were alerted to Chippendale’s nefarious plan.
Tick: I’ll get the napkins, good buddy. You get the car. And then we’ll stop Chairface once and for all!
AR: Um, I’ll grab the space suits while I’m at it.
Tick: Gads! Good thinking my moth-shaped friend.
Chairface hadn’t bothered to change the location of his secret base since the last time Tick had foiled him, so they found it easily. Then, they snuck onto the ship, intent on sabotaging the insidious plan.
Chairface (over the rocket’s PA system): I know you’re here Tick.
AR: What about me?
Chair: And your odd friend Arthur too. But I want to reason with you. How evil is it to write your name on the Moon? As I see it, it’s actually kinda clever and fun. And I went through all the trouble of building a rocket and a giant laser…so why not just let me do it?
(profound silence)
Tick: You know, he’s got a point.
AR: Yeah, and it would be kinda fun…
And so Tick and Arthur came out of hiding and confronted Chairface.
Tick: We want to help you, except for one thing
Chair: What’s that?
Tick: We want our names on the Moon too.
Chair: Hmmm…I’m not sure if we’ll have room for all of that. The letters are quite large. How about we shorten your names?
AR: Hey that’s a great idea!
And so it was decided. Just beneath “CHAIRFACE CHIPPENDALE” they would write “T&A” (wink) to please the Tick and Arthur. And thus the three merry companions headed toward the Moon.
Meanwhile, the enemy of God and Man, Galactus (Gal), was cruisin’ ‘round the uni(verse) eating the souls of planets like it was his job. The Silver Surfer (SS) (whose real name is “eatingturdsforcash.com/tittybar406.html”) was looking like the silver bad-ass that he is.
Gal: FFFFFFFRRRRRIIIIIIPPPPPTTT!!! Whoops, I farted.
SS: Hmm…smells like Alpha Centauri IV.
Gal: Yes, but I’m hungry for a snack. Let’s go to Earth…I’ve heard their souls are second rate, but that they go down easy.
SS: But what if The Fantastic Four come to stop us with that Nullifying Thingy?
Gal: That dumb thing?! That was a worthless old device that only made sense back in the 60’s. Our noble author would never stoop to such low levels as to bring it back.
(He winks to the heavens…somewhere, eons away, an infinitely well-versed voice booms in a satisfied laughter.)
Gal: And the Fantastic Four can’t beat me otherwise, so we’re good.
And so they cruised (they always cruise) to Earth to eat some insignificant, largely egotistical, and usually overweight, souls.
But little did they know that the creators of the Fantastic Four, realizing that they weren’t too popular and were inferior to groups like the X-Men, had melded them into one super hero to increase marketability. Thus Mr. Fantastic, The Thing, The Human Torch, and Invisible Woman had become (drumroll……) Mr. Flamer Woman!
Mr. FW: I don’t want that name…it’s too gay-sounding.
Author: Well, what would you like to be called?
Mr.FW: The Incredible Shocker!
Author: Shocker?! Why would you choose that name? He’s a tool. Why does he even have the “super” before “villain” anymore?
Fanboy (disgusted): Ok, that’s enough. You’ve beaten that joke into the ground. It’s overdone more than the Hoth battle.
Author: (slaps Fanboy for the stupid and incredibly geekish allusion to Star Wars)
Author: Your name shall remain Mr. Flamer Woman until further notice.
MFW: Darn.
And so, with its stretchy, rock-textured, invisible, flaming self, Mr. Flamer Woman prepared to battle Galactus.
Meanwhile, the X-Men were doing their hero thing again. And The Apocalypse (Apoc.) had had enough of it. It was time to pound them into the ground once and for all. So he called up his chief henchmen, Mr. Sinister (Sin.), for some help.
Apoc: Sup, homes? The X-turds are meddlin’ in our biznezz again. We got’s us some work to do.
Sin: Word! I’ll get my shotty and meet you in 5, yo!
They met up, hopped in their motorcycle (with side car) and headed to the base. Apocalypse morphed his left hand into a jukebox and put on some Nelly.
Sin: For shizzle my nizzle! This music is phat! But why am I always in the side car?
Apoc: Because I’m the pitcher and you’re the catcher in this relationship.
And so, armed with super powers and a shotgun, the duo made their way to their secret base: In the 2nd basement of the White House.
But meanwhile, 3 floors up, the X-Men were talking with the President (Prez.).
Prez: I’m telling you, he attacked me (pointing to Nightcrawler).
Xavier: You’re confused, Mr. President. That was in our movie, ‘X2’. This is just a short story intended as a parody. We would never hurt you (sly smile)
Prez: Oh…ok. Good.
Suddenly, Rogue threw him to the Moon.
Xavier: Good job Rogue. Now, let’s get down to business. We’ve been the nice guys until now, but I’ve just recently realized we should be ruling the world. We’re freakin’ powerful. And besides, it’s been 12 years since I’ve had sex.
X-Men: (all gasp)
Cyclops: Don’t worry professor, we’ll get you laid.
Storm: Yes, by the powers of earth and the rage of the sky, you shall have ass.
Collosus: Da, comrade. No play make for major bumski.
Nightcrawler: I am a Roman Catholic, so I must protest this train of thought. Unless, of course, if we use only virgins and afterward sacrifice them with 12 goats and a Dave Thomas lookalike.
Xavier: Yes! Yes, excellent thinking Kurt. Your goat-slaughtering days in the circus served you well. But now we must go. X-Men, to Air Force One and the Blackbird (X-Men’s private jet).
And so they split up, with Xavier, Wolverine, Collosus, and Nightcrawler taking Air Force One and Beast, Cyclops, Storm, Rogue, and Jean Grey taking the Blackbird.
But meanwhile, three floors down…
Apoc: We’ve lost to the X-Men before, so I’ve assembled all of their greatest enemies, so that this time, we cannot lose. I have The Blob, Magneto, Mystique, The Juggernaut, and my fiercest creations ever: The Four Horsemen of The Apocalypse. They are (pulls back a nearby curtain) Archangel! Jubilee! Santa Claus! And Donald Trump! With them on my side I will be unstoppable!
Then Jubilee made some fireworks and everyone giggled because they were cute.
Fanboy: This is ridiculous. Santa Claus?! You would have been better off inserting another Shocker joke. Somehow I can see Jubilee and Donald Trump, but still…
Author: Patience, Boy of the Fan, for all will soon be revealed.
Fanboy: It better. I could be jerking off while looking at Captain Janeway right now, so you’d better make this worth my time.
And with that disturbing image, the author decided to end the chapter.
KMC Community Forums
The Most Epic Story Ever Told. Um, Sort Of. (!!!)
May 29th, 2006 11:56 PM
as always!
What city is that on your avatar?
