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| Date Registered: |
Jul 17th, 2013 |
| Status: |
Herr Universem  |
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n/a |
| Total Posts: |
5442 |
| Last Online: |
Aug 7th, 2021 (Find all posts/Find all threads) |
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| Birthday |
August 12th, 1996 |
| Gender |
Male |
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| Favorite Movie Quote |
They say necessity is the mother of invention.
What they neglect to mention is that
invention's dad is a moron and he sometimes
pops by the house with a new piece of shit
idea that's so staggeringly awful that he takes
your silent awe as approval when in fact you're
trying to think of a new way to say "What the
****?" that is at once louder and more vulgar,
and somehow requires the assistance of noted
scholars and theologians.
1 hour ago
No one wants to hear about my unpublished
novel that I am highly unlikely to ever
publish. But I still want to tell them about
it, so too bad! Let me tell you about
Eshahn...
1: Humans. In the world of Eshahn humans
were created from the essence of air. They
are divided into three varieties: Sun, Moon,
and Stars and have different magical traits
tied to the heavens (Sun Humans are very
resistant to fire, Moon Humans have more
powerful magic as the phases of the moon
affect them, Star humans have little
problem operating at night, etc). Overall
humans are the most numerous race,
considered average because of numbers
more than anything else, but seldom the
most powerful. Their short lifespans make it
very hard to compete with the longer lived
races, though powerful human wizards are
movers and shakers with the rest of them.
Overall, humans are as varied as they are in
real life.
2: Irrelevant Bestial Hordes. Huh, the most
common race, and the usual one for foot
soldiers in the present time, is humans. In
Eshahn the huge groups of mooks that can
be slaughtered without remorse are undead,
or possibly summoned creatures, or bugs,
or golems/robots. Orcs are their own race,
who were originally designed as shock
troops and bio-engineered from dwarves
primarily. They have a well deserved
reputation for being violent, but individual
orcs can be reasonable and intelligent.
Mostly their surrent problems stem from
being a warrior race without any real wars
to fight, and finding themselves increasingly
replaces by more reliable human soldiers
when there are wars.
3: Goblins. If orcs were bio-engineered
from dwarves to be shock troops, goblins
were bio-engineered from elves to be spies,
saboteurs, scouts, and special agents. They
look like elven children, mostly because
they are very short. Because their whole
deal is adaptability (a skill engineered into
them for the above purposes), they have
adapted to current conditions spectacularly.
The second most common race after
humans, no one dislikes them. They are
usually servants though, which some of
them are content with, most wildly pleased
with, and a small number resent. Goblins
are occasionally mischevious, and often
suicidallly confident though, giving them a
reputation for very poor judgment. Goblins
win Darwin awards daily.
2: Dwarves. A matriarchal society with a
population that is three males to every
female. Dwarves are short, though not so
much as goblins, and powerful. The men are
super hairy testosterone driven macho
warriors with no libido to speak of, and the
women are extremely lustful and curvaceous
beauties who rule their, sometimes multiple,
husband with iron hands. Dwarves vary in
personality despite the stereotypes, some of
them are farmers, and some are hippies at
one with nature, but they are created from
earth and heavily linked to it. They have a
tendency to build pointlessly large mega
monuments and horrific doomsday weapons
for no discernible reason though.
1: Elves. The most powerful group in Eshahn
throughout history, they are simultaneously
really really good at ruling and
cataclysmically bad at it. With twelve tribes
total, there are a lot of varieties of elves,
and most of them have complicated racial
relations with the others that makes the
elven groups a mass of politicking.
Supernaturally good at most things and the
longest lived, most other races are little
threat to their power but they are very
good threats to their own. They repeatedly
built civilization to dizzying heights only to
crash it down again in another apocalypse,
and humans slip in the power gaps to rule
instead, but the elves always come back.
They are overwhelmingly a female race,
most groups have five women to every man,
and practice polygamy. They range from
typical hippies (Brown Elves) to necromancy
obsessed death cults (Black Elves) to
industrial minded conquerors (Red elves) to
religious extremists who mix intolerance
with infuriatingly genuine moral superiority
(White Elves).
And I apologize. Hopefully no one reads all
this.
The MPAA and FDA sabotaged my
independent studio and ruined my film
career. My films contained explorations of
human sexuality and coming of age stories
that were deemed "offensive and a vector
for a form of hemorrhagic fever we have no
means of treating save swift and merciful
death." They gave my magnum opus [picture
of a camel consuming it's own soul] seven
swastikas drawn in the blood of a child as a
rating. Anyone attempting to watch or
procure it is required to be set adrift.
Santa Clause's eyes observe more than
billion children each, existing
simultaneously at every point on this planet.
With a mind of such abominable vastness
that to gaze within is to invite madness, the
Father of Christmas sees all, records and
judges every deed, and perches like a
nightmarish vulture upon the border
between the world of dreams and the world
of consciousness.
The true name of the entity is lost in the
passing of endless aeons, each of the
tongues of man trying and failing to speak
his true and terrible name. Shengdan
Laoren. Kerstman, Babbo Natale,
Grandfather Frost, Christkindle, Pere Noel,
Weihnachtsmann, Sinterklaas--all fall short
of the horrific truth, "Jolly" Old Saint
Nicholas is old indeed, and in the countless
passing of years the true nature of Santa, if
what humanity perceives as Santa is even
the the beast in truth, has been forgotten.
Each year he ventures forth to spread his
presence across the world, ripping time and
space asunder to visit every home in the
world over the course of some few "hours".
The corpulent Saint tarries in each,
consuming the ritual sacrifices offered to
placate him, taken from the bodies of cattle
and from the fires of the oven. And he
leaves his... "presents", which innocent
children across the world touch and watch
and play with for months on
end--"presents" touched by his hand and
tainted by his presence.
Yet, despite the time he spends in each
home he manages to reach all of them--
every house in the world, despite the
staggering length spending only seconds in
each should have taken. He endlessly
consumes, never growing larger despite the
tons upon tons of mass he eats in the
houses he trespasses into. He travels
through the slightest opening, slipping
through chimneys and ignoring the meager
protection of a lit fire, crawling through
mere cracks in the window despite his size.
The fabric of reality bends and cracks
around him, screeching in pain as he rips it
for his own purposes.
The Arctic has but a sparse population of
animals to eat, and the amount needed to
feed two corpulent humanoid entities and
the countless elven slaves would make a
great impact on the environment--one not
observed by any surveys of the region.
Further, the plants to feed a team of
reindeer would be even more difficult to
come by. So, what do they eat? Why is the
old, old Saint Nicholas so determined to
give gifts--gifts made by HIS workers,
cleverly disguised as copyrighted products--
to children across the world?
To an immortal being, inextricably connected to
one of the most famous and culturally
powerful holidays in the world, which has
remained true to his nature throughout
history... would such an entity truly eat
food in a fashion humans would recognize?
Does not the fun of new gifts fade away, the
joy disappear from the eyes of children? Is
not the joyous spirit of Christmas crushed
so quickly after the holiday ends?
Do children not lose their sense of wonder, of
amazement, of simple happiness, as they go
through Christmas after Christmas, year
after year, growing into the cynical being
called an "adult"? An adult who, all belief in
wonderful possibilities gone, would never
take actions to ward away the Kringle?
Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-do
I have a perfect puzzle for you
Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-dee
If you are wise, you'll listen to me
What do you get when your shaking that ass?
Wiggling like that doesn't show as much class
What are you at screeching like a cat?
What do you think will come of that?
I don't like the look of it
Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-da
If you're not greedy, you will go far
You will live in happiness too
Like the Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-do
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