Gender: Female Location: between merry pip orlando and elija
FUNNY STORYS ABOUT LOTR offensive stuff maybe in here appoliges if so.
THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING So funny so great, so LOTR!
Frodo: Hi, Gandalf! Gandalf: Bilbo, give him your ring. Bilbo: Okay. Bye! Gandalf: See you at the pub, Frodo. Frodo: Doo-de-do. Nazgul: Boo! Frodo: Eeeek! Merry: (pops up out of nowhere) Eeeek! Pippin: (ditto) Eeeek! Sam: Ha ha, can't catch us now! Tom Bombadil: Hello little friends! Frodo: No time for you, weirdo. Tom Bombadil: (disappears) Saruman: See, all I had to do was cross out "Good" on my business cards and write "Bad," and I'm all set. Gandalf: I never saw /that/ coming. Saruman: Excuse me while I tend to my vast army of evil orcs and war machinery which were in plain sight. Gandalf: Alas, if only he had imprisoned me at the top of a high tower without walls or ceiling so that he could not prevent a giant eagle from rescuing me, instead of in the canonical dungeon deep underground. Oh, wait. Frodo: (whispering) Keep a low profile. Pippin: (loudly) And don't mention your real name, right? Merry: (loudly) Or the ring either, right? Strider: Right. Don't mention the ring. (laughs) It's okay, I'll save you. Pippin: (whining) Are we there yet? Nazgul: Bwa ha ha ha. Give us the ring, little worm. Frodo: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names- Sam: Hmm, looks like swords work too. Strider: Go away, bad men! Nazgul: The five of us must flee, for we are outnumbered by this one Ranger! Frodo: Wow, we're in Rivendell! Merry: That was easy. Pippin: Don't knock it. Sam: Elves are cool! Elrond: Get the hell out of my place, I don't need trouble. Gimli: You can't throw them out while I'm here! Legolas: Same for me! Elrond: Right, all of you wankers leave now. Gandalf: But I just got here. Boromir: I'll just invite myself along. No real reason. Certainly not because I have larceny on my mind. Nope. Strider: Look, they fixed my sword! (swish) Wheeeee! Frodo: Such beautiful scenery. The green grass and leaves are so- [THUD] Pippin: Where the hell did all this snow come from? Gandalf: Don't blame me. Who knew that mountains could be cold on top? Gimli: Told you we should go through the mines. Strider: Let the dwarf have his way. Legolas: Fine, whatever, just open the door. Gimli: Ummm, I have no idea how to get inside. Boromir: What a bunch of dicks. Gandalf: Of course! (applies C4 to the problem) [POOF] Sam: Such magic. Merry: Ooooo, dead dwarf over here! Gimli: Boo hoo. Pippin: HEY MONSTERS, COME AND GET US!! Gandalf: Twit. Orcs: Oh good, we were getting hungry. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to keep an army fed in these abandonded mines? Boromir: (Slash) Legolas: (Pfft) Gimli: (Whack) Orcs: This is definitely putting a damper on our relationship. Frodo: Ouch! Strider: Alas, the Ring-bearer has perished! Our quest has failed! Frodo: Just kidding. I did the slide-blade-between-arm-and-chest trick while I was standing in profile to y'all. Pretty funny, eh? Balrog: Dammit, I was sound asleep. That really ticks me off. Gandalf: We are so doomed. Strider: Not if we run away! (does so) Boromir: First good idea you've had. (follows) hobbits: (already in the lead) Gandalf: (trailing) It matters not! You cannot outrun the demon! Legolas: We don't have to . . . Gimli: . . . we just have to outrun *you*. Balrog: Your ass is mine, wizard. (drags Gandalf down with him) Strider: Woe is upon our company, that Gandalf has fallen! Frodo: I'm over it. Sam: Yeah, let's go, there's no food here. Legolas: Wondrous are these woods! Gimli: And full of cutthroat elves. Celeborn: We were told of your coming. Well, "warned" is more accurate. Galadriel: I know you better than you know yourselves. Sam: You've got nothing better to do with your time? Galadriel: Wake up, Frodo, and look in the mirror. Frodo: Geez, can't a guy get some sleep around here? What mirror are you babbling about, there's just this birdbath full of water. Galadriel: But it shows magic pictures of things that may or may not be! Frodo: I'm guessing you're a day trader. Here, you take the ring. Galadriel: I will not. (hangs her head) I lost the instructions. Frodo: Great, I'm still stuck with it. Celeborn: Check-out time! Pippin: (singing) Row row row your boat, gently down- Gimli: Shut the hell up. Seven hours of that is enough. Strider: All this beautiful scenery is giving me a very bad feeling. Boromir: Give me the ring. Frodo: Notice as I put it on that it not only makes me invisible, it also apparently teleports me away from your clutches. Boromir: Arrrrrgghhh! I'm just trying to save my kingdom! Where is a rake I can step on, that it might strike my head? Ah, this will do nicely. (whack) Frodo: Best thing for me to do now is head for the most dangerous place in the world. Sam: Works for me. (they leave) SuperOrcs: Kill kill kill! Merry: Help, help, Auntie Em! (waves his tiny sword pathetically) Pippin: Christ, look at the size of these guys, we're dead meat. Boromir: Fear not, little hobbits, I shall blow my special horn and we shall be rescued by soldiers . . who are . . hundreds . . of . . miles . . away . . guess we are pretty stuffed after all. (dies) SuperOrcs: Kill kill kill! Legolas: Look at my form. Damn, I'm good. Gimli: I'm environmentally friendly --- blood makes the grass grow. Strider: Looks like Frodo got away. Well, there's no chance in hell I'm going to step one foot closer to Mordor, so let's go the exact opposite direction. Legolas: Okay. Gimli: Sure. THE END Yeah, that's about two hours.
Gender: Female Location: between merry pip orlando and elija
??? days till The Hobbit
“The world is changed.
I feel it in the water.
I feel it in the earth.
I smell it in the air.
Much that once was is lost, for none now live who remember it.
“It began with the forging of the Great Rings.
Three were given to the Elves, immortal, wisest and fairest of all beings.
Seven - to the Dwarve Lords, great miners and craftsmen of the mountain halls.
And nine, nine rings were gifted to the race of Men, who above all else desire power.
For within these rings was bound the strength and the will to govern each race. But they were all of them deceived, for deep in the land of Mordor, in the fires of Mount Doom, the Dark Lord Sauron forged, in secret, a master ring, one to control all others...
and into this ring he poured all his cruelty, his malice and his will to dominate all life..
One ring to rule them all.
One by one, the free lands of Middle Earth fell to the power of the Ring, but there were some who resisted.
A last alliance of men and elves marched against the armies of Mordor, and on the slopes of Mount Doom, they fought for the freedom of Middle-Earth.
Victory was near, but the power of the ring could not be undone.
Sauron appears, crushing a dozen men with each blow of his huge mace. “It was in this moment, when all hope had faded, that Isildur, son of the king, took up his father’s sword.”
Isildur picks up sword, Sauron breaks it, but Isildur uses the broken blade to cut off Sauron’s fingers, and the Ring.
“Sauron, the enemy of the free peoples of Middle-Earth, was defeated.
The Ring passed to Isildur, who had this one chance to destroy evil forever..... but the hearts of men are easily corrupted. And the ring of power has a will of its own. It betrayed Isildur, to his death.”
Isildur attacked by goblins, dies in the river, and the Ring is lost in the water.
And some things, that should not have been forgotten -
were lost.
History became legend.
Legend became myth.
And for two and a half thousand years, the ring passed out of all knowledge.
Until, when chance came, the ring ensnared a new bearer.” Gollum finds the Ring in the riverbed.
Gollum: “My Precious, my own.”
“The ring came to the creature Gollum, who took it deep into the tunnels under the Misty Mountains, and there it consumed him.”
Gollum: “It came to me, my own, my love, my Precious...”
“The ring gave to Gollum unnatural long life. For five hundred years it poisoned his mind, and in the gloom of Gollum’s cave it waited.
Darkness crept back into the forests of the world.
Rumor grew of a shadow in the East..... whispers of a nameless fear, and the Ring of Power perceived - its time had now come.
It abandoned Gollum... but then something happened that the Ring did not intend.
It was picked up by the most unlikely creature imaginable.
A hobbit, Bilbo Baggins, of the Shire.”
Bilbo: “What’s this? A Ring!”
Gollum: “Lost! My Precious is lost!”
"For the time will soon come when hobbits will shape the fortunes of all.”
Again we already had this isdira listing about four times
And as I might already have mentioned, this is no lordoftherings-elvish, though the inventers of this language based their language on Tolkien's elvish a lot (esp. the words) but made it easier and sounding different.
__________________ Life is complex: it has both real and imaginary components.