1. An Orc: Dangle a rare and valuable treasure over a deep bottomless chasm. Alternatively, suggest to it's neighbour that the orc in question is spreading trecherous rumours while handing said neighbour a blade.
2. A Balrog: Use a really powerful firehose.
3. A Nazgul: If there's mud handy are you're rather inconspicuously small, make like a worm and wriggle. Only attempt this if there is a mighty warrior woman present to back you up.
4. A Dark Winged Creature: Get it to stick it's neck out, and swing!
5. A Warg: Let off a lot of spark-producing fireworks. NB: keeping a wizard handy is often a fruitful encumberence.
6. A Giant Overgrown Spider: Tell Sauron it ate his Ring
7. Gollum: Do not refrain from telling group about his following them. Do not refrain from shooting yellow glowing eyes in the dark. Do not untie at his request after capture. Do not pretend you did not hear him arguing with himself over killing dearest companion to reclaim Ring. Do not rescue from Faramir or Faramir's men. Do not allow to wander off and get fish. Do sacrifice finger and Ring to him while standing at Crack of Doom.
8. Saruman: Be polite. Do not kill him. Allow him to leave Orthanc with slave. Offer him forgiveness and friendship. Give him his pipeweed back. Make further offers of forgiveness and friendship. Do not kill him, again. Lose him. Find him in Hobbiton under alias 'Sharkey.' Still refrain from kililng him. Allow him to walk away. Watch as he dies as a result of you doing nothing.
9. Wormtongue: All at once, shoot him mercilessly in the back after he's just committed the greatest and most honourable deed of his career.
10. Sauron: Blow up Middle Earth"
Top Ten "Whose Dumb Idea Was THAT?" Questions in Tolkien:Whose dumb idea was it to....
10. ..build the three principal cities of Gondor within spitting distance of Mordor?
9. ..not put any guards on Mount Doom?
8. ..let Wormtongue into Edoras?
7. ..set Melkor free from the Halls of Mandos?
6. ..allow Sauron within 10 miles of Ar-Pharazon when he wasn't wearing earplugs?
5. ..let Isildur keep the Ring?
4. ..appoint such easily distracted wizards as 4/5 of the Istari?
3. ..allow the Numenoreans to become powerful enough to challenge the Valar?
2. ..let Lotho buy most of the Shire's supplies and take control?
1. ..allow Aragorn within 1000 miles of Arwen?
10. Wormtongue: "I'm actually a spy for Saruman and I fancy Eowyn."
9. Galadriel: "Gimme the Ring! I'm going to take over the world! MWAHAHAHAHA!"
8. Aragorn: "I love you, Eowyn."
7. Boromir: "Minas Tirith sucks."
6. Gandalf: "Someone else can save the world. I'm going to put my feet up."
5. Ugluk: "OK Grishnakh, you can take command."
4. Gollum: Anything without the word "precious" in it somewhere.
3. Denethor: "Of course we're going to win this war!"
2. Eowyn: "Does anyone want some fresh-baked cookies?"
1. Sam: "Shut the **** up, Frodo! I'm tired too, but do you see me complaining?"
1) Gandalf is no longer an "old, bearded wizard". He is a "Chronologically Advantaged Intellectually Gifted Magic Worker with Extensive Facial Follicle Growth"
2) Sam does not refer to Gollum as Slinker and Stinker. Instead, he realizes that Gollum is suffering from acute Multiple Personality Disorder, and refers to the different sides as "He Who is Gifted at Guiding", and "He Who is Aromatically Challenged".
3) Barliman Butterbur is not a "fat inkeeper", but rather a "Gifted-in-Volume Food and Drink Provider".
4) Instead of "Tom-Fool of a Took," Gandalf calls Pippin a "Differently-Abled Intellectually, but yet of Distinguished Heritage Took".
5) Hobbits are no longer short, fat, and hairy-footed. Instead, they are "Vertically Challenged and Gifted in Girth, with the Ability of Growing Adequate Natural Foot Covering".
6) The line in FOTR that says "And to the wonder of the others, Legolas and Gimli became fast friends" is to be replaced with the line "And, despite their rich and varied cultural and ethnic differences, Legolas and Gimli formed an Alternative Lifestyle Domestic Partnership."
7) The term "Dwarves" is not to be used, as some may find it offensive. Rather, these members of the Middle Earth society are to be called the "Vertically Challenged Mining Community who are Gifted in Growing Facial Hair."
8. Eomer and Gimli do not argue about the beauty of Galadriel, because some women may find that to be objectifying and sexist. Nor can they contest her wisdom, as that may imply that women are less wise than men, or her power, since that might suggest that men are stronger than women. In fact, in the spirit of true political correctness, this scene should be cut altogether and Galadriel should join the Fellowship.
9) Aragorn's sword is not to be called "the sword that is broken" because that implies that it is of no use and may offend some readers. Instead, it should be called "The Sword that is Differently-Abled from Other Swords, but May Still Serve some Useful Purpose."
10) Shadowfax should not be called a "horse." Rather, he is to be referred to as a "Four-Legged Travelling Companion." Furthermore, he (and indeed, all horses of the Rohirrim) are not to be ridden, as that infringes upon their rights and may offend some animal activism groups."
Top Ten thoughts of Gwaihir carrying Gandalf to Lothlorien
1. How embarrassing! I wish he had some clothes on. Hope the other eagles don't see me!
2. Light as a feather in my claw … ha! I'd suggest fat-free lembas from now on!
3. Yeah, yeah; you slew a Balrog, died, and came back. I believe that's been done before …
4. I should start charging big juicy worms for this!
5. I could drop him on a thornbush just for fun, or perhaps on Old Man Willow ...
6. I'm gonna have to have a talk with Manwe. This 'rescuing Olorin' is getting redundant!
7. Thank Eru he's not wearing that pointy hat right now!
8. What's with the deathgrip?! He should be used to this by now ...
9. How does he keep getting himself into these crazy situations?!
10. Some aerial stunts would be amusing right about now … hehehe
__________________ "Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities."
-Voltaire
"That includes ruining Halloween because someone swallowed a Bible."
"I just thought you were a guy."
"... Most guys do."
10. I am gonna wait until it comes out on DVD and rent it.
9. Frodo should have kept the ring. I mean what would it have hurt?
8. Did you think Arwen looked fat in that dress?
7. Read the books? I can hardly stay awake during the movies!
6. If I was Elrond I would ground Arwen and send her to her room.
5. I wish they had just made it one film.
4. The Hobbits drink too much.
3. The Nazul aren't that scary.
2. I think Gandalf is stressed out, maybe if he took a long weekend he would feel better.
1. I wish they had never made LOTR into a film.
Top 10 Ways to Get Thrown out of the Theater while watching ROTK:
10. Screaming Frodo lives everytime he comes on screen.
9. Sing at the top of ur lungs "Here he comes to save the day...." Everytime Gandalf comes on screen.
8. Handcuffing yourself to the seat and refusing to leave until they show the Houses of Healing. Screaming " I know they were filmed!!!!"
7. Throwing your tub of popcorn at the woman behind u who is explaining why the ring has to be destroyed while Sam is carrying Frodo.
6. Pouring your Coke on the man who is snoring in front of u.
5. Whistleing and Woohooing everytime "The Elf" is on screen.
4. Getting in a fist fight with the guy who says that Frodo is clearly gay.
3. Demanding free admission since u are a Wiazard.
2. Screaming "Stop the movie, Stop the movie. This isn't Harry Potter. Where's Dumbledor?"
1. Yelling "Don't worry ya'll, Gollum bites his finger off and falls in." when frodo puts on the ring.
I know someone who did that. 5 people sitting next to him wrestled him down and all of them got punches in, including the 9 yr-old kid. All these are extremely funny, keep it coming.
thats actually how i refer to legolas at school, when i talk about "the elf" they al know i mean orlando bloom or legolas or the blacksmith guy in pirates of the caribbean
Well I don't suppose this is considered Top Ten buuuuuuuut
"Middle-Earth's Answering Machine Messages."
(FRODO) "Hi, this is Frodo Baggins of Bag End. I'll be gone for a night or two on a special mission for my Wizard friend. Leave a message and I'll call as soon as I get back."
(Gandalf): "You've reached Gandalf the Grey. To schedule a fireworks show please press one. For your free psychic reading, press two. For today's nugget of Wizardly Wizdom, please press three. If you are Evil or a Minion of Evil please press four. If you are a Dwarf with troublesome Elf fixations, please press five. If you'd like to be King of Gondor, press six. If you are currently in possession of an All-Powerful ring that could destroy all of Middle-earth, please press seven. If you are a hobbit in need of a bit of fancying, please stay on the line and the operator will assist you shortly."
Strider: "You've reached Aragorn, Heir of Isildur, also known as Strider, Elessar, 1st King of the Reunited Kingdom, Thengal of Rohan, Elfstone, Telcontar, The Renewer, Longshanks, Ecthelion of Gondor, Wing-foot, Sweetche---" BEEP -------
(SAM) "Hello, this is Samwise Gamgee. I am currently at Bag's End trimming Mr. Frodo's grass, hedges, and anything else he would like to have trimmed. I could be digging holes for Mister Frodo where I will plant lovely flowers that will make Mr. Frodo very happy. Mr. Frodo is the best master ever! If you are not Mr. Frodo don't bother to leave a message."
(GREY HAVENS): "Hello! You've reached the Middle Earth Retirement Village, Please note that there will be no bingo this Thursday, as Cirdan has to get his hair dyed and set."
__________________
Thank you so much Eezy!!
I'm starting over, do not mistake me for my brother - he has left. Eezy has convinced me to come back, give him some credit.
(GLORFINDEL): "Greetings, you've reached Glorfindel of Rivendell. I'm probably home, out of work, and sitting in my forest-view room throwing darts at a blown-up photo of 'Arwen' at the Ford. If this is Peter Jackson, I'm more than willing to show up with the other elves at Helms Deep. The Pelannor? The Grey Havens, at least?! If this is Arwen, get your big feet out of the Bruinan and give me back my horse!"
(SAURON): "Yeah, this is Sauron, famous Maiar gone bad. I cannot take your call right now as I'm very busy plotting the downfall of Middle Earth. State your business at the sound of the scream, or press 9 to reach the Nazgul . If this is 'the Mouth', don't forget to bring me a very large bottle of Visine upon your return."
(CELEBORN): "This is Celeborn of Lothlorien. I cannot take your call right now but ... er ..Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz ..."
(BILL): "Neigh! You've reached Bill the Pony's Transportation services. Let's cut to the chase. I don't do mountains, swamps, rivers, blasted landscapes, orc-invested lands, mines ... and most especially entrances TO mines. Phobias include abandonment in treacherous places and really big octopus-like creatures that live in murky lakes. I'm loyal, reliable, and incredibly good-natured considering some traumatic moments in my life ... but if you're looking for lightening speed and pretty-boy looks, you've neighed up the wrong Equus caballus. Contact Shadowfax at TooSwiftTooBeBelieved Inc.. If you have dwarf in tow, ask for Arod. Otherwise, leave a message, and I might consider giving you a whinney back."
(HALDIR): "You've reached Haldir of Lorien. I'm probably too high and mighty to talk to the likes of you, but there's always a chance. If this is my plastic surgeon, Friday is looking suitable. If this is a dwarf, consider yourself snubbed. Leave a pleasing message at the sound of the word arrogant, including all the pertinant details ... and then I'll have to make a decision, won't I?"
(TREEBEARD): "Hroom! You've reached Treebeard of Fangorn Forest. Please leave a message, but don't be hasty. Speak slowly. Very slowly. Think about what you want to say very carefully. Don't rush. Spell your name, speaking each letter succinctly. I promise to return your call, however, I cannot say when. Hroom! Must not be hasty. Once I carefully think through what my reply should be, I will call you back, saying each word slowly, very slowly ..... BEEP ............
(GIMLI): "You've reached Gimli the dwarf. Due to a hasty, likely regrettable promise, I'm busy packing, as tomorrow I leave to go trapsing through Fangorn forest with Legolas. If I do not return, I leave my axe collection to my friends at Aglarond, and my most prized possession - Galadriel's lock of hair - is to be given it's own shrine there. If this is Treebeard, PLEASE stop with the prank calls. If I hear one more chant of "the eyes, the eyes, beware of the eyes!", and Quickbeam snickering in the background - I'm NOT GOING!"
(Smaug): "My armour is like tenfold shields, my teeth are swords, my claws spears, the shock of my tail a thunderbolt, my wings a hurricane, and my breath death! But if you are looking for a good time and fancy a smokin' night out with a full-blooded dragon, please leave your name, species and number after the beep, and let's get jiggy, hot mama! ...BEEEEEEEP
(Butterbur): "er...is it going?... er... Hello, you've reached The er... er... oh yes, The Prancing Pony! I'm sorry but we are too busy serving ale of surpassing excellence to answer the phone right now. If you would like to leave a message for Nob, or me, er... background shout of "Oi Butterbur, Pint!" Oh yes, that's right Barliman Butterbur, please speak after the er... thingy...now then... how do I stop this thi...BEEEEEEP
(Theoden): "Hello, this is Theoden. I can't answer the phone because I'm overseeing the defenses of Helm's Deep. If this is Eomer, where the heck are you?! Come help your uncle and your sister out of a jam. If this is Gandalf the what-color-now? Where the heck are you?! Oh, well, take good care of Shadowfax. If this is Aragorn, sorry, we thought you died falling over that cliff. If this is Grima about your gameboy, nyah, nyah, finders keepers. If this is one of those stinkin' Elves *soldier in background shouts "The Elves! They're here!"* ahem, Honorable Elf, leave your words of Wisdom at the sound of the great horn of Helm!" ...HWWWOOOOOOHH!
(Gollum): "Who is calling uss, Preciouss? We are not here. We are showing nice Master the way into Mordor. Gollum! False, tricksy Bagginss! We ought to wring his neck! *gasp* No, Master is nice to Smeagol. Leave your message... Gollum! You don't have any friends. No one will leave you sstupid message! *whimper* Go away! I hate you!" ...BEEEEEEP
(Tom Bombadil):
Hullo, Hoo-hillo! You have reached Bombadillo.
I'm out with Goldberry, having times oh so merry!
If you're a Hobbit who needs help, sing my song and don't yelp.
If you're Gandalf the Grey, come visit some day.
Goldberry wishes to see you again,
And I could use the bottle you owe me, my friend!
If this is a Wraith in search of The Ring,
All I can say is you-ringed-a-wrong-ding!
...BEEEEEP
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Top Ten Lists
Dec 23rd, 2003 09:21 PM
hahaha, this shoulda been in the spoof thread
thats actually how i refer to legolas at school, when i talk about "the elf" they al know i mean orlando bloom or legolas or the blacksmith guy in pirates of the caribbean
