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A joke a day, keeps the wacko away
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yerssot
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A joke a day, keeps the wacko away

Jokes thread entering the area! Please clear wink

Can people that know GOOD jokes post them here?
My father needs a few good jokes for a symposium

Jul 23rd, 2002 07:55 PM

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Ushgarak
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Location: Chelmsford, Essex, UK

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The only ones I can think of right now are the incomprehensible physics ones that my friends sometimes 'crack'.

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Jul 23rd, 2002 08:01 PM

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yerssot
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if they're good, crack away

Jul 23rd, 2002 08:02 PM

Ushgarak
Paladin

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Location: Chelmsford, Essex, UK

Co-Admin

They are neither amusing nor comprehensible.

Jul 23rd, 2002 08:36 PM

yerssot
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never mind than sad

Jul 23rd, 2002 08:37 PM

LaurenE147
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I got a great one.

One day a blonde decided to dye her hair because she was tired of all the blonde jokes. She also bought herself a fancy new car and went for a drive. She drove by a pasture with a shepard watching over them. She stopped her car and walked up to him. She said, "If I can guess exactly how many sheep you have, can I have one?" The shepard looked skeptical but agreed. She stared long and hard at them and finally said "187". The shepard was amazed. "That was exactly right. I guess you can have one." She walked all through the sheep and finally picked one. When she was about to pull away, the shepard stepped up to her car. He said, "Ma'am? If I can guess your natural hair color, can I have my dog back?"

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Jul 23rd, 2002 10:26 PM

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yerssot
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thanks, it's noted and passed smile

Jul 23rd, 2002 10:34 PM

Corran
Lucifer

Gender: Male
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Give me a subject matter and I will try to come up with a Joke, what is the subject of the symposium or any subjects he wishes to touch on with humour. One to start with:-

A man walks into a pub and says, "Give me three pints of Guinness, please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone.
He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too and we're drinking together."
The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition and every week he sets up the guy's three beers as soon as he enters in the bar. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them, then orders two more. The bartender sadly says, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."
The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."

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Last edited by Corran on Jul 24th, 2002 at 08:44 AM

Jul 24th, 2002 07:52 AM

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yerssot
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symposium is about catalysts for plastic and stuff like that

Jul 24th, 2002 09:55 AM

Corran
Lucifer

Gender: Male
Location: Look out of your Window

Oh right, I'll try, but don't hold your breath. Ask him whether there's anything in particular he wishes to touch on humourously ie idiot colleague/associates, reactions etc. Below is a brief description that might be applied to working practises.

=: Real Life := In the Beginning was The Vision and then came The assumptions and The Assumptions were without Form and The Vision was without Substance. And Darkness was upon the faces of the workers. And they spoke amongst themselves, saying "It is a Crock of Crap, and it Stinketh."

And the Workers went to their supervisors and sayeth unto them: "It is a Pail of Dung, and none may abide the odor thereof."

And the supervisors went to their managers, and sayeth unto them: "It is a container of Excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide it."

And the managers went to the Directors and sayeth unto them: "It is a vessel of Fertilizer, and none may abide its Strength."

And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents and sayeth: "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very Strong."

And the Vice Presidents went to their Executives and sayeth unto them: "It promoteth growth, and it is very Powerful."

And the Executives went to the President, and sayeth unto him: "This powerful new Vision will actively promote the growth and efficiency of our departments and the company overall."

The President looked upon the Vision and saw that it was Good. And the Vision became Reality.

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Last edited by Corran on Jul 24th, 2002 at 10:21 AM

Jul 24th, 2002 10:08 AM

yerssot
Senior Member

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subject doesn't matter, only has to be a clean one

thanks for the two jokes, Corran smile

Jul 24th, 2002 11:00 AM

Corran
Lucifer

Gender: Male
Location: Look out of your Window

I'll PM or EMail you some more if you want, but here's another to be going on with.

A group of senior citizens were exchanging complaints about
their ailments.

"My arm is so weak that I can hardly hold this coffee cup."

"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad that I can't see to pour
my coffee."

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck."

"My blood pressure pills make my dizzy."

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old."

"Well, it's not all bad. We should be thankful that we can
still drive."

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Jul 24th, 2002 11:02 AM

yerssot
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Jul 24th, 2002 11:04 AM

queeq
Chaos

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Location: JP's bed

Funny.

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Jul 24th, 2002 12:04 PM

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Corran
Lucifer

Gender: Male
Location: Look out of your Window

A man and his wife are watching the boxing on TV. The husband sighs and says, "I'm disappointed! It was all over in four minutes." The wife replies, "Good! now you know how I feel."

and another....

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want then when you see what the other person has you wish you had ordered that.

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Jul 24th, 2002 12:58 PM

LaurenE147
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the one about the dung and aiding the departments is good.

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"You do not have a soul. You are soul. You have a body."-C.S.Lewis

Jul 25th, 2002 01:28 AM

keokiswahine
Confusion

Gender: Unspecified
Location: USA

.KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER
(the actual AP headline)

.LINDA BURNETT, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws
and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pickup some
groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the
windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind
the back of her head.

ONE CUSTOMER who had been at the store for a while became concerned
and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now
open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and
Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had
been holding her brains in for over an hour.

THE MAN called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the
doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her
head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of
bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had
exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a
gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.
When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough
and thought it was her brains.

SHE INITIALLY passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold
her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

AND, YES, Linda IS A BLONDE.

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Jul 25th, 2002 04:40 AM

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queeq
Chaos

Gender: Unspecified
Location: JP's bed

Lauren mentioned dung.... okay, just a classic for Monty Python fans then:

What's brown and sounds like a bell?

Dungggg...

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Jul 25th, 2002 07:42 AM

Corran
Lucifer

Gender: Male
Location: Look out of your Window

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press since no-one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem. Please hang up. All of our operators are too busy to talk to you.

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Jul 25th, 2002 08:34 AM