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What do you think about these reasons?
You do not have permission to vote on this poll. |
| The guy who wrote this is just a dickhead |
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9 |
27.27% |
| The Reasons are bullshit |
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5 |
15.15% |
| The guy who wrote this is a dumbass |
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7 |
21.21% |
| I agree with these ( wasting my vote ) |
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3 |
9.09% |
| I agree with these ( seriously ) |
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9 |
27.27% |
| Total: |
33 votes |
100% |
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Uber_God
Restricted
 Gender: Male
Location: Australia Account Restricted |
78 Reason to hate Episode I
I found this on a site
thought it might make good argument.
Ill start it off with the first 10
if the arguments against them are good or the mods dont close this ill continue
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Last edited by Uber_God on Mar 26th, 2005 at 12:48 PM
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Mar 26th, 2005 12:42 PM |
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Uber_God
Restricted
Gender: Male
Location: Australia Account Restricted |
Reasons 1 - 10
Reason #1
The Title
The Phantom Menace is not a good title at all. The first bout of disappointment I had to deal with was about six months before the movie came out when they made the announcement that it would be called The Phantom Menace. Originally I remember hearing that it would be titled Disturbance in the Force. That title wasn't great either but still a great deal more satisfying than The Phantom Menace. It sounds too much like the title of one of those Sci-Fi or Fantasy novels you laugh about because you're too busy reading Terry Pratchett or Douglas Adams.
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Reason #2
The Trade Federation
This yawner hits you early on while the classic introductory text is still scrolling up.
Turmoil has engulfed the
Galactic Republic. The taxation
of trade routes to outlying star
systems is in dispute.
Huh? Trade routes? What kinda plot is that? This sounds more like some boring course in American History than the plot for a Science Fiction movie. Isn't this what started the War of 1812? Is Andrew Jackson going to be in this movie? The trade Federation is never fully explained either. If they are indeed a Trade Federation then why do they have an army? And why do they have a seat in the senate? And why do they have a "Viceroy"? This leads me to my next problem...
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Reason #3
The Viceroy's Accent
The Viceroy and his assistant seem to be doing poor French accents. Remember that show on Comedy Central several years ago called Viva Variety? No? It was the same premise only executed much more brilliantly.
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Reason #4
"I have a bad feeling about this."
I have seen the original Star Wars Trilogy somewhere approaching 1,000 times. I don't feel this to be an over-exaggeration but, more accurately, a pretty darn close estimate. It is sort of an inside joke among Star Wars fans that this needs to be said in every movie. Having it be one of the first lines of the movie was, I felt, a poor idea. It is Obi-Wan's first line. We don't even know what the hell is going on and already he has a bad feeling. Although I disagree with the placement of the line I was feeling much the same as Obi-Wan while sitting in my theater seat.
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Reason #5
"Check it out, Corporal."
An army entirely made of droids I will accept (for the current moment). The fact that they have ranks I will not! How can an army of mechanical objects have ranks? Why are they giving commands through audible microphones? A military droid should not communicate via sound waves nor should one outrank another. They should simply draw weapons and fire. Not only would this make them a scarier foe but they would also probably spend a lot less time drawing comic attention to themselves and falling apart in a humorous manner.
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Reason #6
Qui-Gon's Gross Negligence of the Force
There is a scene where Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon are blocked from entering the bridge of the ship by blast doors. The Viceroy sees them coming and orders someone to press a button which closes the blast doors. Qui-Gon acts quickly by using his lightsaber to begin cutting away a hole in the door. This goes on for some time and is ultimately unsuccessful. My question is this: Why doesn't he use the force to press the button that would open the doors? Much the same way Luke throws a rock to try to hit a button in Return of the Jedi, Qui-Gon seems to have a brief memory lapse that prevents him from remembering that the Force could easily solve his immediate problems.
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Reason #7
The Viceroy's Lips
The Viceroy and his ridiculous assistant man's lips never match up with their dialogue. This is not something you expect from a film with a budget in excess of $120 million. You would think that in a movie which was 80% computer generated something as simple as lip-synching would be strived for. Instead we spend every Viceroy scene squirming in our seats and trying use the Force to make it end as quickly as possible. This has proven to have limited success.
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Reason #8
"Exsqueeze me?"
I love the show Xena: Warrior Princess. Back when that show first premiered, I would squeal with delight when it came on every Saturday night. One of the highlights for me was when Aphrodite (played by Alexandra Tydings) would make an appearance. The best part was that she talked like a bodacious dudette straight out of an eighties movie. She should say things like: "Gnarly dudes!" and "Exsqueeze me?" Having said this, I do not wish to have this type of thing pollute the Star Wars universe. It's like that part in the Star Wars novel where Lando makes hot chocolate. In writing in the Star Wars universe the author should be responsible enough to remember that he/she is not on present day Earth. Sadly George Lucas no longer possesses this type of discipline.
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Reason #9
Jar Jar Binks
I'm not really a "hit 'em when they're down" kinda guy. I usually like defending people who get picked on by EVERYONE. When everyone makes a cheap joke about President Clinton being fat, Jennifer Lopez having a giant ass, or John Tesh being a crappy music maker, I like to try and defend that person. There are two exceptions I have to this rule. I will agree with anyone that Michael Jackson is a disgusting space-alien freak and I will agree with the world that Jar Jar Binks is horrible. A lot of people blame Jar Jar for ruining the ENTIRE movie. While I don't agree with this school of thought I certainly feel that he brought an already sketchy movie to an even lower level. He was just a ridiculous cartoony character that didn't belong in a live action movie. No matter how good the effects on him were he kept reminding you that he wasn't real by doing silly things like extending his tongue and walking like a fool. His first appearance in the movie is the point when you realize you're going to be seeing a film a lot less like Episodes IV-VI and a lot more like Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
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Reason #10
J.U.B.A.
At one point Jar Jar informs the Jedi that his city is underwater. Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan immediately whip out these dandy little Jedi Underwater Breathing Apparatuses and dive in. Why is it that every time a ship has a damaged hyperdrive (happens in almost every film) they never have the tools to repair it... on a GIANT starship? Yet anytime there's any obstacle in a single character's way they always seem to have a grappling hook, a set of binoculars or a mysterious underwater breathing device no bigger than a ham sandwich. While we're on the subject, where the hell did Obi-Wan get that training droid in Episode IV? Did Han Solo have one on board the Millennium Falcon? I find that doubtful.
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Mar 26th, 2005 12:47 PM |
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DarkNemesis
Uber Dark Lord
 Gender: Male
Location: The Dark Side of the Force |
Yeah, I read it before. He even has some 80+ reasons to hate AOTC. Personally, I think the author of that site should f*ck off and get a life.
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"Beneath this mask there is more than flesh. Beneath this mask there is an idea, Mr. Creedy, and ideas are bulletproof." (Thanks TRiNiTYfemi for the sig!)
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Mar 26th, 2005 12:48 PM |
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Uber_God
Restricted
Gender: Male
Location: Australia Account Restricted |
damn
i should have had multiple choice for the poll
could have chose the top 3
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Mar 26th, 2005 12:57 PM |
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Uber_God
Restricted
Gender: Male
Location: Australia Account Restricted |
screw it ill post them all
just to see who can insult this guy as many times for different reasons
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Mar 26th, 2005 12:59 PM |
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Uber_God
Restricted
Gender: Male
Location: Australia Account Restricted |
Reasons 11 - 20
Reason #11
Jar Jar Louganis
To further test your suspension of disbelief, Jar Jar makes this dive into the water where he jumps about twenty feet in the air and then flips five times before hitting the water. Was that necessary? Instead of letting you forgive him for the six or seven things he'd done in his first minute into the movie they immediately hit you with another reason why he is the worst.
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Reason #12
The Quickest Route
Boss Nass (who is getting off easy for some reason) tells the Jedi and Jar Jar that the quickest way to reach the Naboo is through the planet's core. Okay. I am by no means a geologist. I can't tell the difference between Igneous or Sedimentary rock. However, one thing I do know is that you can't just traipse through a planet's core... for any reason. Even if it is the quickest route (which I find highly doubtful) I think that the risks (i.e. certain death) are far to great to undertake the voyage.
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Reason #13
A Fish Tries to Eat Them
I'm pretty sure fish don't eat metal.
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Reason #14
"There's always a bigger fish."
A bigger fish eats the fish that was trying to eat them. Qui-Gon should be wiser than this. Can't he see the fault in his logic? How can there always be a bigger fish? I think a more accurate line would be: "There's usually a bigger fish." It's a lot like God making a boulder so heavy that he couldn't lift it. I think Qui-Gon's statement will one day be the focus of a great deal of University philosophical debate.
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Reason #15
Big Fish
The fish that eats the enormous fish is really friggin' big. It's tough to say exactly how big but I would say that it was at least 100 feet. If there are all these giant fish lurking in the waters right by the Gungans' city then why is their city still standing? Lets say that there were a couple hundred Tyrannosaurs Rexes living outside of Paris. Instead of being regular Tyrannosaurs Rexes, these particular dinosaurs ranged from regular size to five or six times their normal size. I would be willing to bet that Paris would be a much different city today although Le Centre de Georges Pompideau would probably still look the same.
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Reason #16
Droid Armies
How much do you think it costs to make an army out of artificially intelligent and independent droids? I wager that the cost would be somewhere between ****ing expensive and ****ing astronomical. The effects of the droids were pretty cool. I find the special effects on non-living creatures far less distracting, but this isn't about effects unfortunately for the validity of Episode I. I did a search for "military robotics" on Google and came up with a site that offered information. To subscribe to their bi-weekly military robotics newsletter is $375 a year. That is just for a newsletter/catalog to look at some pretty basic military robotics. I highly doubt that any of these robots have artificial intelligence. The droids in Episode I are unbelievably sophisticated with the ability to fabricate lies and perform a myriad of complex dexterous actions. I think even in a society as advanced as the one we are presented with in Episode I it would be a hell of a lot cheaper and easier to get a bunch of dumb guys with guns.
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Reason #17
Why even use a lightsaber?
Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon are quick to whip out lightsabers when things start going bad. One thing that I couldn't help but notice during the course of this movie was that every so often they would do that thing where they extend a hand and the enemy would go flying backwards. That is friggin' cool. Why even use a lightsaber when that Jedi “push” move is so much cooler? Maybe it's the fact that they only use it every twentieth time or so that makes it so cool, but I am a big fan. Just about the only thing I look forward to in Episode II (besides another excuse to see Natalie Portman on the big screen) is the chance that we'll see a lot more of the force-push. Maybe Anakin will use it to pick fights with people and that is what turns him to the dark side.
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Reason #18
The hyperdrive is leaking
The reason that they have to land on Tatooine is because "the hyperdrive is leaking." Leaking what? I've never really considered it but I suppose that a hyperdrive could contain something that would leak. But why put a hyperdrive in a part of the ship where it is susceptible to damage? If I were a ship designer I would think of putting the hyperdrive somewhere near the center of the ship so by the time it was damaged you would stand very little chance of survival anyway. As we are all well aware, they didn't seem to learn this lesson by the time Episodes IV-VI rolled around.
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Reason #19
Darth Maul's Introduction
At one point Darth Sidious is speaking with the Viceroy. He then announces his apprentice, Darth Maul. Darth Maul then steps into range of the holographic transmitter to mug for the camera. I must say that as cool as every eight year old thinks Darth Maul is, I find him to be one of the greater flaws of the movie. Where Jar Jar fails in comic entertainment, Darth Maul succeeds. Look at him, he's just a funny looking dude! He looks like he could be a member of KISS. If KISS hadn't stopped wearing the makeup I bet Bruce Kulick would have worn makeup just like this. And by the way, Darth Maul? That's a pathetic name for a Sith. Why did they break the tradition of naming Darth's after words that begin with the letters in? inVader, inSidious. I would be happier if his name were something like Darth Truder, Darth Cendiary or more appropriately Darth Ane.
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Reason #20
R2-D2's Big Day!
The fact that all of these characters just happen to board a ship with R2-D2 is lamer than lame. The fact that R2-D2 saves the day by fixing the shield connection (Again, why do they line these damn ships with the most important components?) is lame. You know when you have to answer the question: "What was the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to you?" Well my answer is as follows.
In Star Wars: Episode I there is a scene where R2-D2 saves the day. After he saves the day Queen Amidala asks one of her lackeys to read the number off the droid. The man says "R2.. D2, your highness." Then Queen Amidala says and I quote: "Padme, clean this droid up. It deserved our gratitude." I have never been so embarrassed in all my life.
It's true. I gasped in horror as this scene unfolded before my very eyes. I remember slouching down in my seat in the theater, my face must have been glowing red. The words of Joseph Conrad ringing in my head. The horror. The horror.
There are many flaws with the scene. Firstly, if this had been any other droid they wouldn't have had a gay ass little award ceremony for it. Secondly, the Queen's decoy is having Padme (actually Queen Amidala in this very scene) scrub down the droid. Thirdly, we saw earlier in the movie that droids receive very poor treatment from humans. Earlier, on the Viceroy's ship, Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan don't even look at a droid that has served them drinks let alone thank the droid. Just because the droid's intelligence is artificial is no reason to treat it so poorly.
The movie could have benefited so much from leaving out this scene and my most embarrassing moment could revert to the time the high school football team took off my pants and gave be a spanking in the school cafeteria.
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Mar 26th, 2005 01:06 PM |
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Uber_God
Restricted
Gender: Male
Location: Australia Account Restricted |
Reasons 21 - 30
Reason #21
Jar Jar steps in poop
On Tatooine Jar Jar steps in what we assume is Bantha poop. Contrary to what George Lucas may believe, this scene is not necessary.
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Reason #22
A Nubian?
At one point Qui-Gon shows a hologram of their ship to Watto, an annoying flying character. Watto strokes his chin and says: "Ah, nice ship... Nubian." We can assume that he means the ship is from Naboo. He clearly says "Nubian" and not "Nabooian". I have a copy of the script and it is spelled N-U-B-I-A-N. Why not just say "Canadian" or "European" or some other word that will totally distract the audience for the rest of the scene? Yet another reference to something strictly Earth related that should never have made it into the final cut.
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Reason #23
Angels
When Anakin first sees Padme (actually Queen Amidala) he says, "Are you an angel?" When she asks him what he's talking about he says, "They live on the moons of Iego, I think." He didn't have to say the moons of Iego bit. While I agree that being confronted by Natalie Portman for the first time face to face may make a man say strange things, this scene is totally unnecessary. It's a reference to Earth religious concepts that Lucas attempted to save with the whole "moons of Iego" bit that just doesn't work. Then Anakin talks about how pirates mention these Angels. This is Ancient Greece... this sort of thing wouldn't happen. This is a needless reference to the fact that Anakin and Amidala are eventually going to "hook up". Everyone knows it is going to happen, I see no need making reference to it in the first line of damn dialogue that the two characters share! I would have preferred him saying something less romantic along the lines of "You make my ding-dong feel funny." Or "I may not know what puberty is yet, but you're kinda hot."
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Reason #24
Force-Proof Heads
When Qui-Gon offers Republic credits to Watto, Watto isn't interested. Qui-Gon attempts to use the Jedi Mind Trick to get him to accept the offer. Watto then says: "What you think you're some kinda Jedi, waving your hand around like that? I'm a Toydarian. Mind tricks don'ta work on me, only money." How is it that a creature can have a Force-Proof head? Watto's head didn't look all that unusual. One of Jacques's least favorite of the Timothy Zahn novels (which I rather enjoyed and consider a much more real part of the Star Wars universe than Episode I) was this special material that could repel the Force. In retrospect I believe that Jacques is right. The Force shouldn't be like an X-ray or radiation or something. Something that powerful should not have a kryptonite. This brings us to the question of: "What is a Jedi mind trick?" Does it use the force at all? If so then why don't Toydarians make all the Jedi their bitches?
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Reason #25
More aliens?
Somewhere around the time that Watto (the alien who owns Anakin and flies around) is introduced I remember thinking to myself "How many damned aliens are there in this Universe?" I understand that the universe is big and that Lucas is trying to show how diverse this galaxy is but how realistic is it that every movie introduces new aliens as minor characters? Where is Watto's race during Episode IV? I get sick of seeing one of every alien while all of the important characters are usually human. It would have been a lot cooler if Jar Jar was a Sullustan (Nien Nunb) or a Mon Calamari (Admiral Akbar). Both are aquatic type aliens that we would have been familiar with; it would have made a lot more sense to see them. You could say: "Oh... so that's how the Mon Calamari eventually became such strong supporters of the rebellion!" Instead of: "Oh no... I hate the Gungans!"
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Reason #26
Sebulba
Sebulba might as well be wearing a leather jacket, have greased back hair and have a pack of Marlboros rolled up in his shirt sleeve. This guy is just a classic movie bully with no substance. I'm sure we all enjoyed him giving Jar Jar a good thrashing but I maintain that he could have been toned down a bit.
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Reason #27
Anakin built C-3P0
I will not accept that fact that Anakin built C-3P0. I won't do it. You can torture me in a scene reminiscent of the finale in Braveheart and I will cry out "Freedom!" rather than admit to this horse shit. Anakin simply didn't build C-3P0, end of story. Anakin says that he's good at building things. I'll believe that. My friend's nine-year old son used to build stuff and wire up all the home electronics. That I'll believe. Anakin built a Pod Racer. I will even believe that. I will entertain the notion that he may have put C-3P0 together using an "Assemble Your Own Robot" home kit but I doubt that they give those away to slave boys. I have one simple defense to prove that he didn't build C-3P0: Anakin Skywalker--the ten year old boy--does not know 6,000,000 forms of communication. Does Anakin Skywalker have experience with binary loadlifters? No. We know that C-3P0 does. Does Anakin Skywalker know how to speak Ewok? I doubt it. C-3P0 can. Does Anakin Skywalker know how to understand moisture vaporators? Probably not since he's not a machine (yet). The only language (other than the main language that they speak [which Lucas would probably call "English]) that Anakin knows is Huttese. I'll accept the fact that maybe he was lying to try to impress Padme in hopes that she would sleep with him. I hope that's what it was because otherwise I'm very upset with this turn of events.
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Reason #28
"I'm not sure this floor is entirely stable."
Again I was forced to deal with embarrassment for acts I was not responsible for. Damn you, George Lucas! This is just another in a long line of cheap jokes Lucas makes to try to win over the die hard Star Wars fans by making them think he's "hip". This doesn't work. It's about as cool as when he edited in Bobba Fett into the first movie. It's a pointless, cheap and unacceptable way to gain approval from your fans. I have a better idea for how to gain approval from your fans: STOP SUCKING! Instead of keeping your damned movies under lock and key, allow a small percentage of trusted fans to see your movies before they are released. A simple test screening could have fixed a lot of big problems with Episode I. It probably couldn't have convinced Lucas that the millions of dollars spent generating the Jar Jar scenes would have to go but it at least could have fixed some of the other reasons this movie was such a disappointment.
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Reason #29
"C-3PO, meet R2-D2."
Yet again I am embarrassed. As if it weren't obvious enough who these two droids we're dealing with are, it is shoved in our face yet again! We get it! The droids were there... they're meeting! They're later going to be inseparable robot buddies! Enough already! Just about the only character from a previous movie that was introduced well was Bib Fortuna. He walked quietly on and off the screen with no unnecessary splendor. I don't get it because George Lucas seemed to have developed this entire school of thought in the first three movies. He would create these huge expensive sets just to blow them up or have them pass in the background for just a few seconds. Now he seemed to be just abandoning this philosophy for cheap thrills. The beauty of a movie like this is that it's going to be watched many many times by many many stupid people. You can afford to not have every joke and nod to the other movies not be so dead center. It was around this point in the film I remember being reasonably certain I would have to watch Selacious P. Crumb walk by and stand in front of the camera for fifteen minutes while waving, winking and setting off flares.
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Reason #30
Slaves have microchips in their heads.
Slaves have microchips in the head so that if a slave escapes they can blow the slave up. What more do I have to say? That's really stupid.
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Mar 26th, 2005 01:09 PM |
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Uber_God
Restricted
Gender: Male
Location: Australia Account Restricted |
Reasons 31 - 40
Reason #31
"He can help you. He was meant to help you."
This is what Shmi Skywalker (stupid name) says about Anakin helping Qui-Gon. She makes it seem so important that Anakin is about to help a bunch of weirdos, whose plan for getting off the planet involves betting on a fancy go-kart race. Shmi could use to tone it down a bit, she's a touch too melodramatic for my taste.
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Reason #32
The virgin birth.
Shmi Skywalker tells Qui-Gon that she "can't explain what happened" about Anakin's birth. She claims that Anakin just appeared in her belly and that there was no father. I've always wondered how Joseph believed it never mind Qui-Gon Jinn who is supposedly a wise old Jedi. Comparing Anakin Skywalker to Jesus in this way is extra stupid. My brothers are convinced that they will eventually reveal the father but I wouldn't be surprised if they just left it as is so that he had no father. Either way it will be really stupid. On the one hand you have a fatherless Anakin sort of like this evil little Antichrist child and on the other hand you could have something like Senator Palpatine being his dad which would be another really poor move that would just mirror the first trilogy. I think at this point it could go either way. Maybe Senator Palpatine created the boy inside Shmi without any intercourse at all. Yeah. I'm pretty sure that's what will happen. Damn you, Lucas! Damn you to hell!
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Reason #33
Baby Greedo
The addition of a Greedo type alien baby is probably Jacques's least favorite part of the movie. Mine's coming up a little later. The baby Greedo is horrible because it can only be assumed that it is actually a baby Greedo. Further investigation of the original production script for the movie reveals this scene which never made it to the final movie version.
EXT. TATOOINE - STREET - SLAVE QUARTERS - DAY
ANAKIN and A GREEDO are rolling around on the floor, fighting. About A DOZEN OR SO KIDS are standing around them, yelling. Suddenly, a long shadow is cast over the TWO BOYS; they stop fighting and look up. QUI-GON is towering above them. KITSTER is with them.
QUI-GON : What's this?
ANAKIN : He said I cheated.
QUI-GON : Did you?
ANAKIN : No!
QUI-GON : Do you still think he cheated?
GREEDO : Yes.
QUI-GON : Well, Annie. You know the truth... You will have to tolerate his opinion, fighting won't change it.
QUI-GON moves off down the street. Anakin follows. The GREEDO wanders over to WALD who has been watching the goings-on.
WALD : Keep this up, Greedo, and you're gonna come to a bad end.
This is not made up! This is taken directly from the actual script for The Phantom Menace. If you've ever seen The Phantom Menace then this shouldn't surprise you in the least! It fits perfectly in line with every other cheap joke Lucas makes. Jacques has been trying to convince me for years that that baby is not just of the same race as Greedo but actually is Greedo. Jacques, I apologize. The little faith I had left in Lucas's judgement was wrong. I was wrong.
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Reason #34
Wireless Internet?
Once again we are faced with the seemingly endless and stupid supplies on the Jedi utility belt. Qui-Gon takes a blood sample from Anakin and sends it over what I can only assume is the wireless internet to Obi-Wan for analysis. Not only does Qui-Gon have the equipment to do this (on his person, mind you!) but Obi-Wan seems to have all the necessary equipment for a Jedi blood analysis on board the Queen's ship. I'm also disappointed in any Jedi who would have to use any sort of equipment to detect how strong the force is with someone.
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Reason #35
"Over 20,000, that's even higher than master Yoda!"
This is used to describe the midi-chlorian count in young Anakin's blood. This is the point where something starts smelling seriously rotten. Now the force can be quantified by something found in someone's blood? Unfortunately for Lucas, no Star Wars fan accepts this silly new rule that he invented. This is something I wouldn't even expect from one of the crappy novels. This is more like something that would exist solely in the pathetic Star Wars comic books.
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Reason #36
The Chance Cube
At one point Watto makes a bet with Qui-Gon and takes out a "chance cube" to settle it. A chance cube looks just like any die that you'd get with a Milton Bradley game. The only thing is instead of numbers it has two colors, red and blue. My question is if you have a 50% chance of getting red and a 50% chance of getting blue then why the hell do you need something with six sides? Why not just use a coin? They don't roll a die at the beginning of a football game. Do they? I don't know, I don't watch football. The point is that I'm sure they can find something on Tatooine with two sides rather than six.
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Reason #37
"You'll never get me onto a starship!"
C-3P0 says this during the movie. You see, it’s funny because we know that he will spend a great deal of time on a starship during the later trilogy. Oh Lucas you scamp. The joke of making lame jokes about things that we know are going to happen just never gets old. Bravo!
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Reason #38
"This pod is Wizard!"
At one point Kitster, Anakin's friend, says: "This is so wizard!" I'm not sure if I like this or not. It reminds me of a story that Paul is constantly telling about his friend in college that stole a bowl of cereal (milk, bowl, spoon and all) from the cafeteria and celebrated by proclaiming: "Ninja!"
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Reason #39
The Two-Headed Announcer
Possibly Paul's least favorite part of the movie. One thing I didn't realize until my most recent viewing of the movie is that the head on the right is the voice of Greg Proops from Who's Line is it, Anyway? My roommate realized while we were watching it. I love Greg Proops but, unfortunately, even if the other head was done by Ryan Stiles and the body was done by the Swedish Bikini Team, I couldn't like this part of the movie.
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Reason #40
Gaseous Creatures
At one point an Eopie (a creature native to Tatooine that evidently becomes extinct somewhere between Episode I and Episode IV) farts on Jar Jar Binks who probably says something like, "How rude!" It's just one in a long line of cheap jokes in this movie. I hate it.
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Mar 26th, 2005 01:12 PM |
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Uber_God
Restricted
Gender: Male
Location: Australia Account Restricted |
Reason #41
"Uh oh!"
Before the Pod Race Sebulba walks by Anakin's pod and unhooks a cable. He says, "Uh oh." Then he chuckles to himself as he walks away. I actually think that this is pretty funny. If he hadn't said "Uh oh" I wouldn't have paid any attention to it at all.
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Reason #42
Sebulba says "Bantha Poodoo!"
Sebulba says "Bantha Poodoo" because it wouldn't be right if two minutes elapsed in this film without some sort of inane reference to the first three movies. Any Star Wars fan worth their weight knows that "poodoo" is Huttese for "fodder". There is no conceivable way that anyone who loses a race will become fodder for anyone or anything. Surely Sebulba could have thought of something a little more clever than this to say. Wait, no he couldn't... George Lucas was writing his lines.
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Reason #43
Anakin's Two Faces
Could the pod race be any longer? People kept saying how awesome the pod race was going to be and how much it "kicked ass". I found it rather boring. During the entire pod race sequence I am never fully convinced that Anakin is in a pod, rather I am reminded of the poorly done car sequences from the movies of the thirties and forties. Anakin only ever makes two faces. Either he's puckering his lips or he is gritting his teeth. He doesn't seem to have any idea what is going on in the pod or the race. That's because it's a movie and Lucas reminds you of this by spending nearly half the pod race focused on Anakin's face.
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Reason #44
"I don't care what universe you're from..."
The idea of an announcer with two heads giving two commentaries in different languages is absurd enough. The fact that one of the heads actually says, "I don't care what universe you're from, that's gotta hurt!" may in fact be the thing in my life that currently pains me the most.
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Reason #45
Jawas
Jawas appear sporadically throughout the Tatooine segments. They never say anything except the classic Jawa line: "Oonteenee!" I wonder if they are speaking Huttese or if they have their own language. Either way, their brains must be unusually small if their only expression seems to be: "Oonteenee!"
"Hey Jawa, you just won the lottery!"
"Oonteenee!"
"Hey Jawa, your mom just died!"
"Oonteenee!"
"Hey Jawa, you have a nice butt."
"Oonteenee!"
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Reason #46
"Poodoo!"
Once again we are confronted with Sebulba using the term "bantha poodoo". When he looses the race he shouts: "Poodoo!" I am not one of those guys who memorizes the made-up languages in these movies (although you should be certain that they do exist) but I do know a little bit of Huttese. We know from Return of the Jedi that the phrase "bantha poodoo" means "bantha fodder". Now if we assume that "bantha" translates to "bantha" then that would leave "poodoo" meaning "fodder". What kind of person uses the word "fodder" as an expression of disdain? Can you imagine being beaten by your arch nemesis and crying out "Fodder!" as your last words? Of course you can't because no one would ever do that! What he should have said was: "poopoo!"
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Reason #47
The Greedo Costume
When Anakin celebrates with his friends after winning the race it becomes ridiculously obvious that the baby Greedo is just a midget in a costume. It's clearly not a kid because he's much to pudgy. At no point do you think that it's an alien, you just think it's someone in a pretty good Halloween costume. They had the technology twenty years earlier, why can't they pull it off now? I'd also like to know how Greedo eventually slimmed down to the size he was in Episode IV. Somewhere on Tatooine I suspect there is a George Foreman grill.
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*Reason #48
Pathetic Lifeforms
At one point after the pod race Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon talk via Jedi cellphone and Obi-Wan says: "Why do I sense that we have picked up another pathetic lifeform?" This is one of the highlights of the movie because not only is he calling Anakin pathetic but he is also implying that Jar Jar is pathetic and what's not to love about that?
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Reason #49
"Yipee!"
At two separate points in the movie Anakin exclaims, "Yipee!" The second "yipee" comes when he learns that he is going to join Qui-Gon and leave his mother, home and everything he knows, forever. Two things: 1.) No ten year old could deal with this so easily and 2.) no one has ever actually said "Yipee!" about anything.
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Reason #50
Touching Scene
After Anakin stops being an idiot and figures out that never seeing his mother again means that he's never going to see his mother again, there is a touching mother and son scene that leads to a heart wrenching 24 second pouting sequence after which Anakin entirely forgets his mother ever existed. He also ditches C-3P0 and is pretty much a total ******* about it, not being sad at all about stranding his "robot buddy" on Tatooine.
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Mar 26th, 2005 01:18 PM |
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DarkNemesis
Uber Dark Lord
Gender: Male
Location: The Dark Side of the Force |
Well, first off, the sack head who wrote this had a FEW good reasons, and others were just total Bullsh#t. Like the Nemodian with the "French" accent. I mean, WTF?? who the f*ck told him Lucas was trying to imitate a French accent? Maybe it was just a random Nemodian accent. And the underwater breathing apparatuses. WTF do they have anything to do with tool boxes? Think about how much bigger a tool box is than a small breathing apparatus or electro binoculars, do you expect Jedi knights to walk around and carry tool boxes like construction site workers? Get real, the job of a Jedi Knight is too maintain PEACE and ORDER in the galaxy, not to walk around and repair hyperdrive generators. The electro-binoculars and underwater breathing apparatuses were for their own convenience. Geez...
I'd like to see this jack@$$ write a movie and make it as good as Star Wars. He obviously CAN'T. He WAS NEVER as great as George Lucas, and WILL NEVER be as great as George Lucas. That should be enough for him. The fact that he even came up with a website and thought about ALL the tiny and insignificant details that made Episode 1 and 2 bad proved that he has a screwed up life which he could do nothing better with. Honestly, if this guy didn't like the movies, then he shouldn't watch them!! Instead, he should just SHUT UP and GO F*CK HIMSELF.
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"Beneath this mask there is more than flesh. Beneath this mask there is an idea, Mr. Creedy, and ideas are bulletproof." (Thanks TRiNiTYfemi for the sig!)
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Mar 26th, 2005 01:24 PM |
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Uber_God
Restricted
Gender: Male
Location: Australia Account Restricted |
Reasons 41 - 50
Reason #51
Darth Maul's Motorcycle
Make no mistake about it, Darth Maul drives a freakin' motorcycle! What's even better than that is that the first time he is seen by the Jedi is in a failed attempt to run Anakin over. Bellissimo!
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Reason #52
"It."
After Qui-Gon's first run-in with Darth Maul Obi-Wan ask, "What was it?" Qui-Gon replies, "I think it was after the Queen." It? Darth Maul is clearly a man. I think that if the two Jedi struggled enough they could find a more appropriate pronoun to describe the Sith Lord. Sith Lords are people too! Jeers to the Jedi for this blatant disregard for political correctness.
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Reason #53
Kiddie Porn
On the trip to Coruscant there is a really uncomfortable scene between padme (who is supposed to be 14 but is quite clearly more like 20) and Anakin (10). This may be a bit of karma for natalie Portman's role in Beautiful Girls.
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Reason #54
Yarael Poof
The need for a Jedi whose head floats precariously above a six foot neck does not exist. Here is a one act play of what I think it may have been like when George Lucas and his effects wizards brainstormed to come up with Yarael Poof.
Dramatis Personae
George Lucas
Effects Wizard #1
Effects Wizard #2
Effects Wizard #3
The scene is an oak-lined board room with a giant black surfaced conference table. There is a windows that overlooks the skywalker Ranch. There is grass and some horses and some other stuff that would be on a Ranch.
George Lucas: The next idea is for the appearance of Yarael Poof of the Jedi Council.
Effects Wizard #1: Hmmmm. Let's think about possibly using the attribute of an animal.
Effects Wizard #3: He could look like a bear!
George Lucas: Too North American.
Effects Wizard #1: How about a pouch where he keeps a baby Jedi with a lightsaber?
George Lucas: Brilliant! But let's save some of our better ideas like that for Episode II. We don't want to give away all of the goodness in the first movie.
Effects Wizards #1-3: Agreed!
George Lucas: I'm thinking of something more... shall we say... African.
Effects Wizard #1: How about a zebra? Zebras are funny!
Effects Wizard #2: How about a koala?
Effects Wizard #3: (with a distant look) They're too funny!
Effects Wizard #1: The zebra or the koala?
Effects Wizard #3: The zebra or the koala, what?
Effects Wizard #2: You just said "That's too funny!" but it was unclear if your reference was to the zebra or the koala.
Effects Wizard #1: Yeah. You have a real pronoun reference problem.
George Lucas: Wizards, please! We're beginning to lose focus! Here's what I'm thinking. You know how giraffes have really long necks? Well here's what we do. We give a guy a really really insanely long neck and give it none of the strength of a giraffe's neck.
Effects Wizard #1: I like where you're going with this, sir.
George Lucas: On top of that we can make it really wavy so that--
Effects Wizard #3: So that it's something that is impossible and would never happen.
George Lucas: (sits back) Precisely.
Effects Wizard #2: At the top we should put a big head too, in case there is too much believability left.
All: Agreed!
George Lucas: Next order of business... Mace Windu...
curtain
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Reason #55
Yoda
With Yoda they used the same puppet that was used twenty years before. They also got the same puppeteer and voice actor to do his voice and movements. On top of this Yoda's lines were written by the same man. So why does he suck so much? The whole time Yoda is on screen it's like listening to someone do a bad Yoda impression! The grammar is messed up in all the wrong places and the puppet doesn't look nearly as good as it did in 1979. Surely this couldn't be the same Yoda who delivered the line: "Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter!" He's walking and talking and the whole time I'm thinking: "Puppet. Puppet. Puppet. Puppet." No amount of suspension of my disbelief can allow me to think that Jar Jar Binks is an actual being rather than a cartoon and nothing can convince me that Yoda is not a silly Puppet. Did I mention that it was the same puppet? Idiots.
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Reason #56
Prophecy of the One Who Will Bring Balance to the Force
Mace Windu brings this gem up during Qui-Gon's meeting with the Council. This is a stupid prophecy. I believe that Jedis shouldn't even have prophecies. Can't Jedis kinda see the future? What use is a prophecy to someone who can see or at least sense it? Wouldn't you be like: "Hey Jedi guy! I prophesize that in thirty minutes you will trip and fall."? Then the Jedi would look up for a second and say, "No. That's not going to happen." Yes. Yes that would happen because Jedis can tell the future and don't need lameboat jerks telling them what they think is going to happen.
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Reason #57
The Senate
The Senate is retarded. Not only is the room they are in stupid and look like something off the set of Dune, but the fact that they're all flying around on hovercrafts is just moronic. There's no need for something that expensive and extravagant! It’s sad when something as stupid and earth-like as a JUMBOTRON would make more sense. This is Science Fiction, I realize, but some element of believability has to be there.
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Reason #58
No Confidence
I don't know if I agree with the fact that all it takes to force a Chancellor to retire is one senator saying: "I move for a vote of no confidence in Chancellor such and such." This system seems like it would be greatly flawed and would probably happen just about once every time the Senate met. Sadly this is a luxury that the American people do not have.
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Reason #59
E. freakin' T.
When the vote of no confidence is cast they show the various outrage and support that Queen Amidala receives. We see Wookies cheering (which are undoubtedly either three of Chewbacca's relatives or probably even three of Chewbacca himself). When they pan across the senate you see a hovercraft filled with E.T.s. Make no mistake about it, they're the same race as freakin' E.T. It's not a race that kinda looks like E.T., they're E.T.'s exact race. I'm sure that this is just a little thing that George Lucas thought would be a cute joke yet it's another absurdity that makes me feel a wrenching in my soul as my entire childhood dies another death.
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Reason #60
"Yousa thinken yousa people gonna die?"
A scene that may have possibly been important or meaningful is ruined by this annoying line by Jar Jar. If my mom was sick and someone said: "Yousa thinken yousa mom is gonna die?" I'd punch them square on the nose.
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Mar 26th, 2005 01:27 PM |
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Uber_God
Restricted
Gender: Male
Location: Australia Account Restricted |
Reasons 61 - 70
Reason #61
Anakin's Ineptitude
Jake Lloyd is a ten year old boy so I would feel bad if I made fun of him. I think he did a good job given the crap that he had to work with. However there are a few points in the movie where he delivers a rather lackluster performance. That's fine... that's why they have this thing called "Multiple Takes"! The one that sticks out more than any is the line: "Master, I've heard Master Yoda talking about midi-chlorians and I was wondering... what are midi-chlorians?" The line itself is written with the skill of a six year old and being delivered (with no fault to Jake Lloyd) poorly on top of this. Luckily Qui-Gon doesn't go into an agonizing description of the molecular and organic properties of midi-chlorians and how they help a Jedi use the force using the term "symbiont organisms" to illustrate his point. Oh wait, I was thinking of the Three Amigos. That didn't happen in the Three Amigos but it did happen in The Phantom Menace.
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Reason #62
Senator Palpatine
If I hadn't seen Episodes IV through VI then I think the whole Palpatine thing would be pretty cool. I think Ian McDiarmid does a brilliant job of acting like a really nice if kinda weaselly politician. It becomes kinda clear that he's working some of the situation to his own advantage but that is what a politician does. It's not clear what he's scheming, if anything at all. There's only one small problem with all of this: I have seen Episodes IV through VI and according to my most recent calculations there are about six billion other people who have. What's worse is that we've all known this for over twenty God damned years! What's with all the mystery? We know that he is Darth Sidious. Just say it and stop being all clever. It's like reading the last chapter in an Agatha Christie novel once a day for twenty years and then finally reading the beginning. This is why Agatha Christie didn't design her books to be read in this manner. Unfortunately George Lucas lacks that judgement.
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Reason #63
"Yousa Qui-Gon Gonna Die?"
You know that Qui-Gon is going to die. He's practically a carbon copy of Obi-Wan from Episode IV. What makes it even more obvious is that he and Obi-Wan have this touching scene where Qui-Gon tells Obi-Wan how great a student he's been and how much he's learned, etc. Then Obi-Wan in turn tells Qui-Gon how much he means to him. I remember sitting in the theater thinking: "Okay, I know he's going to die now its just a matter of when. Hmmmmm. I wonder if it will involve Darth Maul and a lightsaber? Only time will tell." If they had left this pointless scene out then maybe Qui-Gon's death would have been a surprise if you were dumb... or under the age of eight.
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Reason #64
"Meesa lika dis!"
Boss Nass agrees to form a military alliance with the Naboo because Queen Amidala says that she is not as good as a Gungan. Boy. I'm not sure what is dumber, Gungans or this plot device.
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Reason #65
General Binks
Because of Jar Jar's minimal involvement with the alliance between the Gungans and the naboo he is made a General. What is it with George lucas and this idea that anyone who does one minor thing is suddenly fit to lead troops into battle? This is the equivalent of some guy saving a kid trapped in a well and then meeting the president and the president saying: "Thank you, citizen. I'm now making you a general... in the United States military! Now lead our men to victory, General!" I'm not even sure that luke, Han Solo and Lando were all capable. They were cool and they did good things but leading troops into battle is a serious job. Luke, Lando and Han never showed any leadership skills prior to receiving the rank. Jar Jar is even worse because he showed that he is inept and clumsy prior to being made a general. Apparently showing Queen Amidala where the Gungans were hiding suddenly made him a military genius.
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Reason #66
Mobile Holograms
While the Viceroy is walking around the captured palace of Naboo there is a hologram generator that is following him with a hologram transmission from darth Sidious. It's walking around on legs! Legs! It's downright preposterous.
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Reason #67
Binoculars
Right before the big battle on Naboo between the Gungans and the Trade Federation there is a Trade Federation droid surveying the battlefield with binoculars. Is this a joke? It's hard to tell in this movie what is done for humor value and what is just unintentionally funny. If this is done for a joke then it is not funny and really unrealistic. If this is done because some dipshit didn't consider the absurdity of it before hand then shame on them!
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Reason #68
"Cease Fire!"
After a few rounds are fired at the Gungans' shields and do no damage a droid calls a "cease fire!" Now we know at this point that the droids are being controlled by a ship in orbit. Why do the droids need to againcommunicate via sound waves to each other. I think that droids that make no auditory communications would be a much scarier and more realistic foe. Maybe if they didn't communicate and say silly things like "You're under arrest!" and "Roger, Roger" every five seconds then there would actually be a moment in the movie when you could take them seriously as an enemy.
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*Reason #69
jedi Prepare for Battle
When Darth Maul finally meets up with Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan on Naboo it is actually really cool how they prepare for battle. The Jedi stare the sith down and they all take off extraneous clothing and make last minute adjustments. It's very Akira Kurosawa in its simplicity. I really hate to admit it though.
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Reason #70
Barnstormer Anakin
Qui-Gon tells anakin to wait in the cockpit of one of the Naboo ships that was supposed to go into battle. Wasn't there a pilot that could have been flying that thing? Apparently there were only about five pilots on Naboo because they left their sixth fighter in the hangar. Through a hilarious chain of events Anakin ends up in the battle saying things like: "Oops!" and "What does this button do?" and "This is tense!" and "Whoa!" and "Let's try spinning, that's a good trick!" and "Aaaaaaaaaaaah!" Marvelous.
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Last edited by Uber_God on Mar 26th, 2005 at 01:35 PM
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Mar 26th, 2005 01:33 PM |
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Uber_God
Restricted
Gender: Male
Location: Australia Account Restricted |
Reasons 71 - 78
Reason #71
More Utilities
By the equipment that the average person carries around in this movie I'm surprised that they're not all walking around with hiking backpacks. At one point Queen Amidala is cornered by troops and the only way out is to get a floor up. But how does one do that where there are not any stairs around? Not to worry! Queen Amidala and some of her entourage seem to have these guns that shoot grappling hooks and then also have motors that retract the grappling hook with enough force to lift a human body. Phew!
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Reason #72
Only in a Video Game
When Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon are chasing Darth Maul they come across this one corridor that is a series of seven or eight shield generated walls that turn on and off in a specific pattern. This is cool except that it is a scenario that would only ever exist in a video game.
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Reason #73
Anakin's Crash
Anakin just happens to crash into the main Trade Federation ship/command center. When there he accidentally releases two proton torpedoes directly into the power core of the ship and then accidentally flies out of the hangar bay. All the droids on Naboo then loose power. Oh, for silly luck!
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Reason #74
Obi-Wan's Recovery
After Qui-Gon's death we are faced with the biggest disappointment in the final Jedi fight sequence. Obi-Wan, his lightsaber lost down one of many bottomless pits, is hanging precariously by a pipe. It seems like Darth Maul has him right where he wants him when all of a sudden Obi-Wan just flips up out of the pit, uses the force to grab Qui-Gon's fallen lightsaber and just slices Darth Maul in half. That's it. An otherwise action-packed fight sequence ends with the stupidest, suspense-free ending one could ever hope for. Since Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan could barely survive against Darth Maul when fighting together I would have appreciated this climax a bit more if Obi-Wan would have had to assert some amount of effort. It doesn't really matter because I'm sure that in Episode II it will be revealed that N'Sync found Darth Maul at the bottom of the pit and sewed him back together.
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Reason #75
Palpatine's Foreshadowing
When they all meet after the battle, Senator Palpatine says: "And you too, young Skywalker. We shall watch your career with great interest." George Lucas has really not mastered the prequel just yet. Someone should sit him down and make him watch Pulp Fiction and Memento so he can get an idea (or perhaps remember) how to make a good film. The thing about foreshadowing is that you shouldn't make it too obvious on the first viewing of a movie. Foreshadowing is extra obvious when you're foreshadowing something that everyone on the planet already knows is going to happen.
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Reason #76
Palpatine's Chin
While discussing the Sith Lord that the Jedi had encountered, Yoda says: "Always two there are... no more... no less. A master and an apprentice." Then Mace Windu asks: "But which was destroyed? The master or the apprentice?" Then there is a close-up of Palpatine's chin. I'm not sure why I don't like this but it seems like the Palpatine's chin close-up is just another in a long series of reminders that this man is Darth Sidious and will one day rule as the Emperor. I can think of at least eighteen different ways this entire situation could have been handled differently. A simple thing such as not focusing in on Palpatine's chin (the only visible part of Darth Sidious's face) could have made this scene a little better.
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Reason #77
A Static Ending
At the very end of the movie Queen Amidala presents Boss Nass with that static electricity sphere from the Boston Museum of Science. No explanation is given as to what this stupid thing is but for some reason the crowd goes wild. The same scene without the silly ball would have been a tremendous improvement of an otherwise meaningless waste of time.
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Reason #78
Back to the Classics
After the glorious sphere presentation, everyone stands around and mugs for the camera, R2-D2 hops around and chirps and in all other ways it just emulates Episode IV. The Disappointment finally ends but the blatant rip-off reminds you of Star Wars Episode IV and the good 'ol days when movies only had a few minor flaws and not 78 major ones!
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And thus ends the jackass rantings of episode I by this dickweed
Look out for the ranting of episode II
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Mar 26th, 2005 01:40 PM |
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The Inkeeper
Senior Member
 Gender: Male
Location: With You |
Those were hilarious, i love that guy 
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Im Back 
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Mar 26th, 2005 02:32 PM |
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Janus Marius
Plo Koon Rulez!
 Gender: Male
Location: Hiding from zombies |
I didn't agree with most of those, but the ones I did agree with I found hilarious.
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Mar 28th, 2005 05:06 AM |
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blupping
The chosen one
 Gender: Unspecified
Location: Coruscant |
Ok, Maybe 20 of those were flaws. BUT HATE-MONGERING AND USING OF SERVERSPACE JUST TO TELL OTHER PPL HOW CRAP SOMETHING IS. ON A ƒUÇKÏNG FAN SITE IS PLAIN IDIOCY! to any mods out there i beg you to delete this post so noone else will be given mixed feelings about a great movie, just because a son of a ***** wants to tell them all the flaws of a film in concise version
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Apr 1st, 2005 05:28 PM |
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TheElectricFox
The Assasin at Mach
 Gender: Unspecified
Location: The United States of Texas |
you should change the name of the Poll to
:: 78 reasons to Hate Uber_God::
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I am sick and tired of idiots who dont bother to read prior post or research before they star pointless gay threads. OFF WITH THIER **** HEADS!!!!
How to fix gas prices?? Roll into Saudi Arabia and just take it from them!! We are the **** united states of AMERICA!!
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Apr 1st, 2005 07:46 PM |
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Crazy88No.1
Alchemist
 Gender: Male
Location: United Kingdom |
Yeah, I was actually gonna create a thread on this now, that's funny, lol 
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- Star Wars : Episode III Now Out In Cinemas Worldwide -
~May The Force Be With You~
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Apr 1st, 2005 07:52 PM |
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Janus Marius
Plo Koon Rulez!
Gender: Male
Location: Hiding from zombies |
Well, someone is taking this seriously. I mean, no one's forcing anyone to read all this and agree. I found myself nodding throughout many of the reasons, and guess what? I still love the movies. And guess what? I'm not blowing an artery like you are and wanting this thread deleted when I can find eighty or so other instances of purer idiocy than this, by far. Now, that said... let's all mellow... chill and be one with the Force... all the stuff. And get over it.
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Apr 2nd, 2005 04:38 PM |
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Red Superfly
You creepy little stalker
 Gender: Male
Location: |
I think the only reason this guy is angerring so many fanboys is because he has hit a nerve.
I think the anger comes from the fact he's making sense, about half the time.
I'll concede that half of that is really nitpicky - but the other half focuses on truly fundamental mistakes and flaws, and are things I picked up on myself anyway.
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Apr 2nd, 2005 04:48 PM |
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