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My 2nd Poem
Started by: NewOne

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NewOne
Junior Member

Gender:
Location: Canada

My 2nd Poem

Here it is:

Wish you were here

How I wish you were here
It already has passed a year
We used to run below the sunlight
Watching you smile made the world so bright

I remember the first time you kissed me
In my entire life I never felt so free
In a sudden blush, I fall over on the ground
You hurried on me, I couldn't hear a sound

I am presently sitting on the grass watching the sunset
Enjoying this peaceful moment without you will always make me regret
Just thinking you will never come back will always bring me fear
I hope I will get rid of these thougts in a single tear

The stars are showing their true forms in the sky
Suddenly you're appearing next to me and standing by
All I can do is to think if you are really true
Even if you're not, I want to spend this peaceful moment only with you

[Help]: I got some difficulties with the comas, could someone tell me where should I put comas, and where should I not please?

Thank you smile

Old Post Mar 22nd, 2006 10:50 PM
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Syren
dreaming

Gender: Female
Location: every which way but loose

It's a lovely poem, but maybe you could work on the structure? I like the AABB rhyme scheme you've used but the rhythm isn't as comfortable as it could be smile


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ThorinWoofer

Old Post Mar 23rd, 2006 07:06 PM
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lil bitchiness
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Gender: Female
Location: Limassol, Cyprus

Moderator

Hey.

Can I just suggest something related to the thread making.

could you please make one thread for your poetry and post all your poems in there. Its easier this way, and it clogs less.

Thanks.


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في هذا العالم ثلاثة أشخاص أفسدوا البشرية : راعي غنم , طبيب و راكب الجمال , و راكب الجمال هو أسوأ نشال و أسوأ مشعوذ بين الثلاثة

Old Post Mar 23rd, 2006 07:17 PM
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