Hey everyone I decided I'll write my own vesion of the 7th book , I hope you'll like it.
The hier of Gryffindor woke up with a headache.His head was hurting from the dream he had.He had dreamt that he was the hier of Gryffindor and he help Harry Potter kill the Dark Lord.But he was confused , he never had dreams of becoming the hier so why was he seeing these things.It was a mystery, he never even Knew who the Dark Lord was or what Gryffindor was.Must be some kind of sign he thought.He was a genius a criminal mastermind.He was number 3 for the top 5 Multi-billionaires in Euorope..He hated that , he wanted to be #1 bit some family called the Malfoys were #1.He had tried to get a background check but all he got were there names Narsissa, Draco ,and Lucius Malfoy.
He was too excited to go back to sleep, for today he was planning on visiting this boy called Harry Potter the other person he kept dreaming about.He had run a check on him and found out he was 16 and lived in a street called Privet drive.He took a shower, dressed the called his chaffeur."Gregory",he said,"bring the chopper we"re going for a morning stroll".
CHAPTER TWO:THE CHOSEN ONE
Harry Potter woke up with with a headache.He had dreamed that he had killed the Dark Lord with the help of some little kid.He was confused though for he never knew the kid yet he looked familiar.Before Harry could think anymore he heard his uncle scream"boy get down here and calm these ruddy owls".Harry grinned, he was happy cause today he was 17 and he'd be able to leave the Dursleys once and for all.He went down stairs and saw a raven on the table with a letter in its mouth.When the bird saw Harry it dropped the lettter and flew ou the open window.Harry picked up the letter and read it.Dear Mr. Potter you are entitled to leave your current residency.If you wish to do that please send a return owl within the next week. harry read the letter then crushed it. he went into the kitchen grumbled good morning then ate breakfast.He wa s swallowing some beacon when it got really windy.He opened the door to see what it was and saw the helicopter.Out of the helicopter came a kid, the same kid from his dreams.Then he realized who it was,it was the criminal boy accused of stealing the mona lisa smile painting.It was.....
Tyris Vindict 2
ok, it could use improvement, not saying it is bad...you can't just dream about becoming heir of something, and it is spelled heir, you either are an heir or aren't. after periods you need to space, and you need more detail in the first part. and you need to make paragraphs like:
Harry woke up all of a sudden. Something had troubled him in his sleep. He rubbed his scar trying to remember what it was about. He had similar dreams like this before, but he could not remember. He was frustrated, cause he had the same dream everynight.
There was a soft peck on the window...etc. etc. etc. get what I mean? need new paragraphs, and when you have someone talk, make a new paragraph, and when you are done with that character make another paragraph.
other than that, i think it might turn out pretty good.
Harry was surprised.He wasn't expecting a welcome from anyone especially a muggle like Tyris Vindict .Tyris seemed to know him.Yet he was sure he never talked to him before.Vindict was not a boy to play with.Everyone knew that,so no one messes with him."So what brings you here Tyris aren't you supposed to be stealing stuff from museums", grinned Harry."Don't get smart with me Potter or you'll be sorry" ,spat Tyris,"now we could do this the easy way, you come with me and no harm gets done ,you refuse and we take you by force".Harry grinned more wider this time .No way was some muggle gonna boss him around."How about we do this my way you get away from here and no one gets hurt".Tyris once again grinned."I prefered my method.Gregory grab him".Gregory tried to get Harry but since Harry had become 17 and could use magic he wasn't gonna hold back on no one."Spupefy", he yelled. Gregory fell like a bowling pin.Tyris was backing away.He was shocked to at what he saw."Magic just like in my dreams....but how, how's it possible,I'm a genious and even i can't do it.Tell me Potter how...how".Tyris's eyes were wide with terror normal muggles don't usually see magic." Your born with magic ",said Harry," a wizard or a witch".Tyris became less frightened, so he told Harry his dreams.Harry was shocked, how could a muggle dream these things ,how." What was the last thing you dreamed", said Harry?"I wa sseeing some man called Dumbledore get killed by another named Malfoy the boy who I was after for his money".Oh shit thought Harry he must be a squib or a wizard who wasn't accepted. That explains his genius mind.But whybis he having dreams of Voldemort and me......why.
Harry who was so relieved to tell someone new his wizarding story that he was unaware that the boy was taking in everything he said.Tyris was forming a plan so simple yet so genius only a true mastermind would think of it.His plan wold be ready as soon as his chaffeur woke up."Harry do you mind waking Gregory"."Sure why not ".Harry woke Gregory,he got up and ran to his master's side relieved to be awakened.
ok, it is an improvement, but i think you could do better.
take more time into adding more detail, and to put more effort into it. if need be, finish typing your thoughts, and then look for mistakes, and retype it again, and to read it aloud to yourself, to see if it makes sense. If you need help, you can pm me. sorry if i am being a pain, i'm trying to help you improve your story...
KMC Community Forums
Sep 30th, 2005 05:21 PM
