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The Uprising Imperial - A Star Wars FanFic
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Dusty
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The Uprising Imperial - A Star Wars FanFic

Here's a Star Wars story That I put together last night. You huys have to bare with me, I'm by no means a "Star Wars Genius". But I do know my share of Star Wars Facts. This Story takes place A few Days after "Order 66". For those of you who do not remember, Order 66 is when Darth sideous gives to order to the clone troopers to kill all the jedi and the Rebellion. Virtually Anything that poses a threat to The Imperials. The story is mostly about one fighter for the imperial forces, who is ready to stab the imperials in the back and willing to do anything to help the Rebellion. I hope you enjoy it. Here is the First Chapter...




Star Wars: The Uprising Imperial

Chapter 1

Darth Sidious has just executed Order 66. Jedi are dying everywhere, on planets all over. The Force is unbalanced, This attack was never foreseen by any master Jedi, the Dark side clouded their judgment, and their vision. The dark side has the upper hand now, It would seem as though nothing could prosper for the Jedi. But the Jedi that remain, weep at the loss of Others, and wait for their time to meet their demise, or fight unbelievable forces to stay alive. The Imperials seem relentless now, what they have worked for, for so long is now coming to conclusion. But not all sleep soundly. Especially 1 man.

“Farewell my friend. Fight Strong, and tread softly. Maybe I’ll see you when all this is over.” Said Lance, the Clone Trooper who seeks to help Barbox. “I hope so.” Said Barbox.

Barbox was a tall man. Not in any means a wookie, but under no circumstances a Jawa. He was once an imperial Fighter, But only because he was forced to. He had hated the Imperials with a passion and had been planning to escape, and waited for just the right moment. The moment where Imperial officers of all sorts would think for one moment that they were safe. The moment where it was time to celebrate. Due to the Dark side’s prosperity and Succession against the enemy.

Although Barbox had intensions to escape the imprisonment of The Imperials, He was hardly ready. All he had with him, was a blaster, and a Blade. Barbox farewelled his long Clone Trooper friend, and decided it was best to go for an escape pod.

But he would not to leave empty handed.

Barbox Pressed the control panel, making the door slide open, silently. There, outside the door, 2 Clone Troopers walked down, patrolling the hallways. Of corse the troopers knew Barbox was on their side. But then again it would seem foolish to go outside the Hallway rooms without proper authorization, after hours. Unfortunately for Barbox he had this not. So he decided to take action.

Barbox Slid his blade out from his Boot. It was about a 6 inch blade. Not too powerful. But It was Kill-Ready. He then shifted his weight to each stationary foot when walking, Which made no sound whatsoever when he walked. This was a difficult situation. 2 Clone Troopers, with almost full body armor were walking side by side with blasters at their waists. Now it was almost impossible to kill one without alerting the other. But Barbox was an expert tactical thinker and Fighter. He then Snuck behind one trooper, and pulled the knife to his throat. The little slit of unprotected flesh was about to be cut open by a razor-sharp, Ontionamic blade. Barbox was ready. Then, as if it were in a split second, He Slit the Left Clone’s throat. And in that same slicing motion, was able to cut the other Storm troopers throat without alerting any nearby Imperials and making no noise. Blood was present, but not pestering. Barbox could have taken their more advanced blasters at any moment. But he hated alarms more than anything In the Galaxy. So he kept a stealth state of mind.

Barbox contained the Blood-stained Knife in his Right hand and crept down the all white hallways, aware that at any moment Other Storm troopers would be down here Wondering why they were not communicating with the ships man control room.
The Barracks Hallways were empty for the time being. And He would like it to stay that way.

Footsteps were heard, And Barbox’s heart sank to the bottom of his stomach. But He Took a pull into a small alley-like hole in the side of the hallway. Only one trooper ran past him. Barbox knew what must be done. He then ran behind the trooper. And It was just a moments notice before his enemy took a turn into the hallway where the bloody clones lay. So without thinking, Barbox hurled his knife at the running Trooper.

The Knife then Fell to the ground. The butt of the knife hit his plastic helm, and caused no damage whatsoever. Barbox felt like an imbecile. Never in his life had he done something so Drastic, and yet so terribly foolish at the same time. Before the Storm trooper could turn to look at him, he took a turn into the hole once again.

The Clone picked up the blood soaked knife, and called for assistance over his communicator. Then after doing so, he gradually and cautiously crept towards where Barbox hid. Barbox’s heart was ponding with each step the trooper drew. Nearer and nearer he came, cautious of his surroundings. A drip of blood on the floor was noticed by the storm trooper. Puzzled, the storm trooper looked up from the drip, and there was Barbox. Barbox, took immediate action, and grabbed the Blaster rifle that The Storm trooper had upright and pointed. And made a Twisting motion with the gun, which in the process, Broke many frail bones in the Storm troopers hand. And fired the blaster at the troopers face. causing a burn to go through his white helmet. Even though his broken hand still lay on the guns Handle. Then, a loud noise surrounded the halls.

The Alarm sounded.

Last edited by Storm on Jan 22nd, 2006 at 07:00 PM

Old Post Dec 12th, 2005 03:49 AM
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Dusty
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Tell me if you enjoyed it. If you did, I will continue.

Old Post Dec 12th, 2005 03:51 AM
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REXXXX
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Heh! Looks great, Mando, has a lot of potential.


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Old Post Dec 18th, 2005 06:59 AM
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Dusty
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Chapter 2

-Chapter 2-

The Alarm sounded, and Barbox cursed between his teeth. He then knew what must be done. Barbox retrieved his knife, and ran towards the Escape pods, near the docking bay. Which was a 5 minute walk. But a 2 minute run. Along with the knife, he also picked up the blaster that the Clone trooper carried and a few other supplies. There was no point in discretion anymore. Blood was present on his battle tunic, and he was out after hours. Not a good combination when trying to look innocent.

A minute went by of running until any sign of storm troopers onto him.
“Stop, state your name and purpose of being out of your bunk.” Interjected a Clone, and his group, Jumping out from a nearby hallway. Barbox stood stationary. And made no sound or movement whatsoever. His situation was an awful one, So many decisions rushing through his head at once, so many options. The only hard part was finding the most logical one, and at the same time coming out in one piece. And still no sound,

“STATE YOUR NAME AND PURPOSE!” The Trooper was shouting now, And still holding his blaster in the upright position. The tension on the Storm troopers fingers were rising rapidly. Pulling the trigger was only moments away, The rule was to ask 3 times, and if no reply was given, Open fire. The storm trooper was ready to repeat the question one last time. Barbox’s back was still facing the squad

“STATE YOUR NAME AND P---“ A moment of silence filled the halls, as Barbox turned around, a remote detonator, and bomb was revealed. Barbox had taken them from the previous trooper, and if he let go of the button, the bomb would immediately go off.
The Troopers stared in either amazement, or fear or possibly both. Barbox threw the bomb into one of the troopers hands. And he proceeded into walking away from the storm troopers. He still held the detonator while walking backwards, and the storm troopers still remained stationary.

Barbox stopped. And stared for a moment, and then completely let go of the remote detonator. It was a trick. And the storm troopers were still holding the actual bomb. Unexpectedly, Barbox pulled out his blaster rifle. And aimed a shot for the bomb and fired. The bomb exploded, filling up the halls with flames and debris at an alarming rate. Barbox was trying to outrun the flames, and it seemed almost futile. But he hid behind the blast doors and watched the flames shoot up from beside him, feeling the heat reminisce on his left side. The flames died down, and in front of Barbox, were the escape pods. He then quickly jumped in one and fired off.

As the pod was shooting off the docking bay of the large imperial ship, thousands upon thousands of shots fired from the ship whizzed past the pod, and some even made impact shaking the pod in all directions.

Barbox finally outran all of the ships, and was heading for an active city planet, called Kay-emsee.

Last edited by Storm on Jan 22nd, 2006 at 07:00 PM

Old Post Dec 18th, 2005 07:20 AM
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Heh, nice little reference there with the planet name.

Good story so far, the only thing I hate about reading good stories is waiting for the next installment stick out tongue

Old Post Dec 21st, 2005 11:14 AM
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Dusty
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Be careful with this part of the story. I'm a tad rusty, so please forgive.


-Chapter 3-



Moments Before Order 66 was called into affect, Jedi Master Dask Naihul was Flying behind Jedi Council Member ‘Plo Koon’ on a planet outside of Naboo, Accompanied by Storm Troopers. Dask Naihul is the last of his kind. He Was rather short. Not Exactly what you would expect from a great Lightsaber-wielding warrior. He was Dark Blue Skinned, And Very Dark Hair, That ran down to his eyes. He walked on his Hind Legs, Much like a Jackal would. He Ran like an animal. But with his back legs, Like a dog would, if it didn’t use all four’s. Dask didn’t rather enjoy flying. He would rather be running, and striking down his opponents with one single swipe. Flying often bored him, and when in the cockpit; He felt incredibly vulnerable. Plo Koon was far ahead of Dask,. Almost too far. Something seemed incredibly strange. The Clones in the accompanied ships began to ease on the throttle. And In one brief moment, Shots were fired unto Plo Koons Ship. And Plo Steered into the side of a large gate. Exploding On Impact.

Dask was amazed. ‘How could they do such a thing?’

Without any given thought, Dask Gave his ship full throttle. He was moving so incredibly fast, that No Sound whatsoever could be heard of the ships movement. He was Outrunning the speed of sound with only 2 engines of power. Dask Did what could never be done, Only with his race could it be possible.

Aiming for one of the 2 ships that the Clones were occupying, Dask Ejected straight out of his seat and watched as his ship spun out of control after Taking off the Right Half of the clones ship. And While Suspended in air, Dask Ignited his Lightsaber, and Cut off the left thruster to the 2nd ship. Which then Took an extremely sharp turn, Right under where Dask was about to land.

The Trooper survived, and Looked around. His mouth agape. Dask had not yet landed. He Looked up into the sky and his eyes scanned the area for any sign of Dask.

Dask Landed, using his dog-like legs to keep him self from harming his legs. Ignited His light saber, and gave one large swoop and decapitated the Final Clone Trooper, And the Orange Saber shrank back into the handle. In Front of Dask, Stoop a hundred Clone Troopers. With Guns aside.

His Saber Ignited.

Last edited by Storm on Jan 22nd, 2006 at 07:01 PM

Old Post Jan 16th, 2006 05:04 AM
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-Chapter 4-


Barbox had lay Idle on The Planet Kay-Emsee for many Months. He often did Odd Jobs for money. Sometimes It was deliver, sometimes it was capture. Different things. Only this time he was to deliver a locked, and iron Plated Suitcase, that was To be transferred between Crime Lords. But These Crime Lords were far apart, And A Transport was in order.

A Metro was leaving at 6:00 and Barbox Decided to catch it.

He Looked around, Nowhere to sit. But in the back was a vacant spot next to a hooded person, or creature of some kind. Barbox sat beside the Man and peered to his right to have a look at his face.

Blue.

“what’s your name stranger?’ Asked Barbox in a friendly yet questionable tone.
“My Name is not of any importance” The Stranger Replied. And he turned to look outside the window.

Barbox ignored the Rejection and peered down the Isle.

Without Moments Notice 2, men Holding Blasters Jumped up out of their seats and began to point their weapons into unsuspecting faces and Demanded all Jewelry and Money that the passengers had. Barbox Lay Dormant, and Put the silver-plated Suitcase Aside. But it was no use. One of the thugs looked around for any chap who looked like they had more than 4 Republican Credits. Unfortunately for Barbox, The sun was shining into the Silver Suitcase and it just so happened to catch The Thugs attention.

“what’s in that?” Asked the Dimwitted Thug.

“toothbrushes” said Barbox.

The Thug, of course, didn’t buy it. And Gave a harsh threat and forced him to slide it down the Isle. Barbox bent down and slid the suitcase. And as the thick-skulled thug bent down to grab it, Barbox immediately whipped out a Blaster Pistol and shot the top of his head.

Without moments Notice, the Blue stranger whipped off his cloak and Ignited His Lightsaber. And Threw it down the Isle and watched as it slid into the First Thug’s chest ,like throwing a stick into the water.

Using the force to bring back the Lightsaber, The Blue Warrior Circled a Hole in the roof of the Metro, and leaped out. He must have jumped 8 feet in the air. Barbox had no intension of staying, and hopped on top of one of the seats and Jumped up into the hole. As Far as Barbox counld see, they were suspended in air, and on the right of the metro was the city. Barbox Turned to see the Blue Jedi Knight Jump a High 12-feet in the air to the other side. Barbox could not jump that far. Not even Close. Above him were Flying Speeder Transports. As said before, Barbox was a trained strategist, and Shot one of the oncoming speeders with a blaster pistol in just the right spot.

The Speeder veered inward and Barbox Hopped on top of it and onto the city Platform.

Last edited by Storm on Jan 22nd, 2006 at 07:01 PM

Old Post Jan 17th, 2006 02:06 AM
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Barker
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I've read Two Chapters, and it's Awesome.


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Old Post Jan 17th, 2006 02:11 AM
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Dusty
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Thanks for the Comments! happy Keep them Coming, and Chapter 5 should be up later today!

Old Post Jan 17th, 2006 09:47 PM
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-Chapter 5-


10 minutes


10 Minutes Barbox Chased the Blue Jedi Trough the City. But why exactly was Barbox Following him? Why Did The Blue-robed Jedi Help him? So many Questions unanswered.

The Jedi Took a Turn into a Large, Dome-like coliseum. Barbox Knew there was trouble, and That The Jedi Knew nothing of the territory. For that was a battle dome. And in such a place is where Mandorloian Bounty Hunters, and such go to battle Some of the Fiercest Creatures and Monsters in the galaxy for money. Barbox took a turn inside.

The second he peered onto the Battle floor, The Blue Warrior was Fighting a giant Boar-Wolf From Endor.

The Boar-Wolf Took a large snap into The Jedi’s Direction. He used his Powerful Legs to jump 10 feet into the air and dodge the attack. His Lightsaber ignited, and was In a Parry Position. The Boar Didn’t move, but stood there waiting for his opponent to blink. Barbox stood in suspense to see how the Jedi Would act. But suddenly a Ferocious rancor Crept up behind The Jedi. But His Jedi Senses alerted him, and he quickly turned around to take off one of the rancor’s legs, making him squirm on the ground and yelp in pain.

But The Boar’s moment was there, and he quickly attacked The Jedi’s unprotected back. Forcefully, and Brutally Knocking Him onto the ground.

He didn’t move.

Barbox Moved in with a blaster and let out 3 Blasts. And the Crowd gave out a thunderous applause. Soon after, Barbox ran to the Jedi and Carried him to his home.

Last edited by Storm on Jan 22nd, 2006 at 07:01 PM

Old Post Jan 18th, 2006 01:23 AM
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Nicethumb up

Old Post Jan 18th, 2006 01:34 AM
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Jaeh
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I've read them all..... Cool! keep up the good work!


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HIS force be with you.

Old Post Jan 20th, 2006 03:42 AM
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ESB -1138
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This is a great story. Keep up the writing


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Old Post Jan 20th, 2006 02:58 PM
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I'd hit....

The Story. Loving it. stick out tongue


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please respond to my PM Thorin

Old Post Jan 21st, 2006 03:55 AM
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Dusty
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-Chapter 6-

The Blue Jedi Woke up to the scent of freshly cooked chicken, and Recently brewed Drinks mainly prepared for the purpose of restoration. Vision was blurry for the time being, and only a few thoughts ran through his mind on why exactly this was. After Blinking several times his vision began to sharpen. And he was sitting in a chair, half slumped and swaying involuntarily.

“You’d best drink up if you want to regain your senses.” Said Barbox , The Ex-Imperial. “because we’ve got a lot to talk about.”

The Jedi Acknowledged and began to drink.

“For starters” Said Barbox, “Your name, and then I’d like to know how In the hell you were able to avoid Order 66 during the Clone Wars. And also, Where were you headed in that metro back there.”

HE prepared for a monologue, and spoke in a harsh and quick tone. “My Name is Dask, I was once a member of the Jedi Council. I Survived by fighting for what I believed in, and never letting up in any given situation.”

He continued.

“I was in the Metro yesterday on my way to planet ‘Aerrenvi’. There are still Jedi that have survived out there, My Brother Being one of them. And I intend to find them, and Bring the Council together once again. You cannot stop me.” His tone was again somewhat harsh.

Barbox gave a sly look. He didn’t take Tone into account. After all he was once an imperial. All they speak in is harsh tones. And every statement is enforced with cruel intent. By the way Dask acted at the station, Barbox knew Dask was not the type that easily adapted in his environment. So He decided it would only be best to go now. He left the Briefcase behind and he now knows he is in trouble, and will be looked out for, all over Kay-emsee.

Dask and Barbox came to an eventual agreement to Join up and go to the Planet Aerrenvi and look for Thunderlyne Samen. The long haired, 7-foot Master Jedi with the 3-foot saber.

Last edited by Storm on Jan 22nd, 2006 at 07:02 PM

Old Post Jan 21st, 2006 04:36 AM
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Jaeh
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Gender: Female
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keep on coming1


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HIS force be with you.

Old Post Jan 22nd, 2006 09:12 AM
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Dusty
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-Chapter 7-

Aerrenvi was an Ice Planet. city’s were enclosed in a self-tempered force shield, due to the incredibly cold and decreasing weather and harsh unforgiving terrain.

Barbox was falling Behind on his Ton-Ton. Aerrenvi’s climate was similar to that of Hoth. Ton-Ton’s were the main type of transportation and Only A few Dask was taking it in fair stride. They didn’t even know if the Jedi Knight they were looking for was alive or not, but they continued to trudge through the blizzard.

Dask Pulled out his light saber to light a path. And In the distance was a city covered in a Force-shield.

“should we stop here for the night?” Asked Dask, “The Temperature is dropping, and fast”

Barbox Pondered. If they stopped now, Less ground would be covered today, making tomorrow all the more to move. But the Ton-Ton’s needed rest, and if they didn’t get it soon they may pass out Due to the terrible cold.

“We stop tonight, and gather supplies, And tomorrow we don’t stop.” Said Barbox.

They slowly Pulled near to the Force-shield covered City and knocked on the tiny door.

An Old face popped outside of the door, and said with a snarl on his face, “What business do two lads like yereself have in a place like Tynaq?” His one eye scurried back and forth between the corners of his eye.

“We need to stop to gather supplies. We plan to make our way to Turpiq tomorrow” Replied Dask.

“Turpiq!?” Exclaimed the long haired old man, “Ain’t nothing in Turpiq but a buncha’ Pigs and Death sticks is all I say!” He then let out a nasty cough, without covering his mouth.

“perhaps” said Barbox, “But that’s where we’re headed, and that’s where we plan to be tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?!” Exclaimed the door-keeper “Why so fast? Only a fool would try to make it to Turpiq by tomorrow! There’s at least 4 more cities before you can get there!” He let out another nasty cough.

“So be it,” replied Dask “May we enter?”

The Door-Keepers eye lay still for a moment, and he went back into the door, and opened. Dask And Barbox lead their Ton-Tons into the city and looked for the nearest inn.

There was a place called ‘The Starkiller’ inn that caught Dask’s eye, and he led his Ton-ton and Barbox’s ton-ton into the back and tied them until tomorrow came around. They got a room quite easily, and went to the market to look for supplies.

Thermal body linen caught Barbox’s eye and paid 50 credits for two. After all, in a place like this, these items may be useful when traveling through the terrain.

Dask looked around for any sign of Thunderlyne, the 7-foot Jedi. But found nothing that would even come close to the looks of a Jedi Knight such as him. So instead he took a look at what was for sale at the market, and came across a table that aroused his interest.

6 Crystals used to change the color and increase the life-span of a light saber. These of course, were black market items and would no longer existed outside of the Jedi-council after order 66 had taken place.

“I would like to purchase those crystals” said dask, “how much?”

“200 credits” Said the Red, lumpy pile of filkun “What’s so interesting to you about these here stones?” he replied with terrible grammar.

“I’m a collector,” said Dask, “and stones such as these would make a find addition to my collection.”

The Short, Red creature gave a mysterious stare, and cupped the stones in his hand and pulled them away.

Dask decided it was time to use the Jedi mind trick, and ordered “You will give me the stones” while waving his left hand. Dask didn’t particularly like using this trick, he thought of it as stealing more than helping himself. But what must be done, must be done, and his Saber’s life-span was running rather short.

“I will give you the stones” said the lump, and handed over the Red, and yellow Jedi stones, without recognizing what it was he was doing.

Barbox and Dask got back together at the inn and decided to rest, tomorrow would be quite a long day if they wanted to make it to Turpiq. So they rested and prepared for a long ride the following morning.

Last edited by Storm on Jan 22nd, 2006 at 07:02 PM

Old Post Jan 22nd, 2006 05:18 PM
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-Chapter 8-

Barbox woke up to the sound of banging on the door, and quickly reached for his blaster that lay underneath his pillow and crept towards the door with caution. Then he took a turn into the closet much like he did when escaping the imperial starship.

“BANTHA FODDA!!” Yelped the Thing banging on the door said with extreme rage.

“YOU TAKE MY THINGS!! I TAKE YOUR LIFE!!”

Dask Woke up just after Barbox did. He quickly examined the situation. Barbox and the Jedi came to an agreement with a plan without speaking. Dask then used the force to open he door. Standing outside of the door was the litte Red lump that gave Dask the stones and a Mandolorian Bounty Hunter.

“JEDI!!! JEDI!!!!” Screamed the red lump.

The Bounty Hunter pointed his rope-capture at Dask and quickly wrapped dask into a cocoon. At that same instant, Barbox pulled out from the corner with his blaster, and quickly aimed it ant the Bounty Hunter. They shared a quick stare, and finally Barbox pulled the trigger, shooting the Bounty Hunter in the neck. The Tiny Red Lump tried rolling his way down the halls, And wasn’t progressing very quickly, he was not progressing at all. Barbox looked at the Bounty Hunter that lay on the floor. His lsft and was equipped with a flame thrower, which was pointing directly at the red lump. Barbox stepped on it and watched the little pest burn.

Dask was getting ready for departure. He looked at Barbox and confessed, “It’s a good thing they came here, because I didn’t ask for a wake-up call.”

They shared a quick laugh, and headed out before any trouble was to stir within the city.

It was cold outside of the self-tempered City. It was a cold you could feel the rest of your life, if you took the time to remember your experience. A lot was on Barbox’s mind during the ride. Questions more than anything. Questions like “Why was he the only Imperial soldier that was able to see the dark side of what the Imperials were doing?”. Barbox also pondered on what had happened to his fellow trooper Lance. For all he could recall, Lance could be a General in the army by now. He had the smarts for it, After all he went through the same special training Barbox did.

Barbox Gave a shiver and continued with his thinking.

Barbox had never seen a Jedi before Dask. And he lead on to believe that the Jedi were a special Breed, based on the observations he made on Dask. It’s a pity they all had to go the way they did. And the Ones that survived are either hiding, or captured. Dask was ahead of Barbox by a few yards, and His lightsaber was lighting the way. Barbox Decided to pull up beside the Jedi and have a Chat.

“You said you have a Brother, right?” Asked Barbox.

“Yes, He is slightly older than myself. He Always was the better Jedi.”

“When’s the last time you saw him?”

“Last time I saw him, was in the Jedi-council. Just before I left to fight in the clone wars.: said Dask, “He Told me, He would be on a planet known as ‘Nayfulton’. It’s an Imperial system. His Job was to gather information about the Dark Side an their plans.”

“Is he still there?”

“Last time we spoke, he was on Nayfulton just before Order 66 was called. I can only hope he is all ri-“

Dask Stopped. And Slid his Light saber back into his holster. Suddenly Dask’s world became Dark, and Barbox Watched him fall flat onto the ground from his ton-ton. Barbox was then Kicked in the neck, and he was forced onto the ground beside Dask. His world Closed around him.

Old Post Jan 22nd, 2006 06:22 PM
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Dusty
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-Chapter 9-


Barbox Woke. Everything was blurry, and no visual assumption could be made of where he was. Barbox could only hear Rambles of useless chatter in what sounded like echoes. His Vision slowly began to enhance, and could see well enough to get a visual on Dask, who was chained to the wall across the room. The Room they were in was a cave, full of Ice, Snow and chilling winds coming in from an opening somewhere down the hall.

Barbox looked down at his own arms, that were also chained up against the wall, and peered to the right. On a Table, Was Dask’s Saber, and Barbox’s Blaster Pistol. He then began to ponder, but his thinking was interrupted by footsteps. Barbox then closed his eyes to give the impression he was still out.

Barbox heard several mutters, but couldn’t make out a face or a visual just by sounds.

“hmm…yes…hmm….Jedi…Indeed….AHA! Trooper! Hmmm………Curious……veeeery…curious…….hmmm….Sixty-Six….hmm…Death…all..must…be..gone…..AH! MY HEAD!!!! MY HEEEEAAAAD!!!!!

The voices sent shivers down Barbox’s spine. He had never heard a voice so terrifying. And the Most Fearsome Mental picture of a psychotic monster came up into his mind.

“ahhh!!!...mmm….Chains…afraid…..very afraid!....I senses it……….disturbed…hhmmmm….Looking……for him……….very….hmm….dark..si-.” The Horrifying voice mumbled on.

Barbox could hold the mental picture of him no longer, it was far too gruesome to even imagine. He opened his eyes, only for a moment to see a man-like hooded figure, very tall, but hunched, he couldn’t make out the face, but the figure continuously rubbed his boney hands together, and dragged his feet onto the floor. The Hooded Figure crept over to the Table where their weapons lay, and scraps of cold food were present.

He began to pick up what looked like ton-ton, and gnawed at the meat excessivley. He stopped. And stared at the Light saber and picked it up.

“hmmmm….warm….it is……” He tried to make out a word, much like a child would. “sa-……….saba-…..lyte…..lyte..saba!”

Barbox watched the creatures hands scurry across the table at such speed and sniffing the weapons continuing to mumble on about a vast amount of nothingness.

“Bang….Bang…..lazer…….gahhhh……GAH!!! MY HEAD!!!!! AHH!!!!”

Barbox was grinding his teeth, the sound of his voice was just to gut-wrenching.

The Creatures head turned to Barbox and began to sniff.

“hmmmm?”

“alive? Tasty creature………….nudge?.....perhaps…………dinner………..NO!....Later……..AHHH HEAD PAINNNSSSS!!” He grabbed his own head and began to bash it with his right arm.

“NO! GONE!!!.....Its…gone………trooper…goooooodd….” he whispered to himself.

He Held out his arm and nudged Barbox’s body. He lay still.

“BAH!” Screeched the Figure. And he slowly trudged his way to another room with the weapons in his arms.

Barbox Opened his eyes and quickly used all of his might to pull the chains off. Failure. He then felt overwhelmed and closed his eyes for some rest. Moments later, the Figure came back in, as if he were incredibly angry at something. He paced back and forth like a madman inside of the cave and Rubbed his hands violently. He then dragged his feet towards Barbox and began to fidget with his chains, and took them off while mumbling excessively.

“hungry….yes….hmmmm…forgot…..wher…pu……my FOOD! GAH! Head Hurts…..IT HURTS!!!”

He picked up Barbox and slammed him onto the ground. The figure pulled out the Light saber and Gripped it firmly, pulled it back and was half-way through swinging when Dask awoke and used the force to stop his swing in mid-air. Dask was trembling violently trying to keep the Creatures’s arms in one spot. Barbox slid out from under him and pulled the Blaster from the creatures waist. He then pointed it.

The figure began to snarl, and licked his teeth gruesomely.

“Stop……….now……….you’re……….hurting…..my….HEAD!!!!!!!”

The Man-like figure used the force to push away Dask and used a long arm to swipe Barbox onto the ground, unconscious. He turned to Dask and snarled with his light-saber in hand.

Dask Reached out his had to pull another light saber from the man-like figures waist, and ignited it, and cut off his chains. It was a short light saber, 3-feet at the most. Dask stared into The creatures dark eyes and began to speak.

“Thunderlyne Samen, Stop this mockery right now.” He demanded.

“I…know…..nothing………of…Tunderlyyyyyne…..” he said with some trouble of pronunciation.

Dask then used to force to push away the hood from the man-like creatures head. He was once a Jedi. Tunderlyne Samen. His face looked as though it had gone under much torment. Scars formed from the constant scratching at his own face. His eyes searched around the room, and his breath was panting vigorously. His eyes were once full of light and peace but now they are dark, and disturbed. Before Sixty-Six Thunderlyne had long hair, but now he was entirely bald. The side of his head was scarred. A large scar in the shape of a ‘C’.

He had some of his brain removed; Making it so he didn’t even know who he was. Or how to think properly. But he still contained powers of the force. Explaining how he fought back when Dask held his arms into place.

“don’t…do…that….don’t…take..off…hood…” He snarled between clamped teeth.

Thunderlyne threw a swipe of his light saber at Dask, but it was parried. Due to the fact that he lost the ability to think properly, made his a bad duelist. But still tried. It pained Dask terribly to fight an old friend in self-defense. Not once in a thousand years would Dask have thought to do such a thing. But He would die if he didn’t.

“fight……….fool!.....FIGHT!! WITH SHINY SWORD!!” , yelled Thunderlyne as he swung his saber.

Dask parried and jumped out of the way, giving the final swipe of the saber.

Dask Unwillingly Took Thunderlyne’s life, to save his own. The Darkness that was once In his eyes is now gone, and he now lay in peace. For his mind will not torment him any longer.

Dask Picked up Barbox’s unconscious body, and left. Weeping.

Last edited by Dusty on Jan 22nd, 2006 at 07:43 PM

Old Post Jan 22nd, 2006 07:40 PM
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xEsaulx
Bringer of Life

Gender: Male
Location: The Land of Quar

okay, i've just started to read it, and you may want to check into this.

tense was a slight problem but has gotten better.

numbers usually from one to twenty, (give or take a few numbers) are typed out, never like

quote:
Especially 1 man.


especially when it is like that you should really type out Especially one man.

a little bit more could be done with the detail, but it's looking great. captilization was a bit of a problem, not capitlizing Imperial once, and having capitals after when someone talks. what i mean is Said. it should be said after quotation marks.

another mistake was when someone different talks, a new paragraph is started.

other than that, great job, and i'll continue to read your story.

btw, the mistakes i pointed out are in the first post, so i don't know if it has improved or not.


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Old Post Jan 22nd, 2006 11:51 PM
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