Timmy - main character. A perky Boy Scout
Father - Tim’s Dad. Thinks he’s a Nazi
Tony - Camp Director
Nathan - emo program director
(Timmy is carrying a heavy bag and he plops it into the back of the truck. He gets in the passenger seat.)
Father: So, you’re gonna be workin at Boy Scout Camp for 6 weeks?
Timmy: Sure am!
Father: Boy Scout Camp, back in my day we worked at Concentration Camps.
Father: Remember Timmy, from 1939 to 1945.….Germany was on vacation. Oh, and we didn’t invade Poland, they invited us.
Timmy: (aside) That’s my dad. For some reason he thinks he’s a Nazi. He wanted to make me a Nazi too, but mom was kind of not to up for it. I mean, you’re looking at Timmy Adolph Johnson. So instead of hanging around the house during the summer and listening to my dad’s Nazi rants, I work at boy scout camp.
Father: Alright we’re here. Remember, brush your teeth…..
Timmy: alright dad
Father: …change your underwear…..
Timmy: alright dad
Father: and SHOW NO MERCY!
Timmy: Dad! Alright
(Timmy gets out of the car, gets his bag and walks up to a door)
Timmy: (reading sign on door) Camp Director’s office. Sign in here! Oooooh boy!
Tony: eh! Are you from KFC??
Timmy: uhh, no, I’m here to sign in. I’ll be working for you this summer, I’m your new employee, or as I like to say, employWEE!! Haha
Tony: oh. Wow. Well did you bring chicken?
Timmy: No, was I supposed to?
Tony: um, what? Oh, uh, no. so here’s your uniform, name tag and any other materials you’re gonna need. You can head up on up to the campsite and find your tent
Timmy: thanks! Umm, you guys got my name tag wrong
Tony: What? What’s wrong with it?
Timmy: well, my name is Tim, but my name says…***
Tony: Tim? What kind of a crazy name is that? I thought you were Titty Johnson, *** for short! Well, we can’t change it now, don’t worry about it, no one will notice. Now go to your tent. And don’t come back without chicken
Tim: ok thanks..Boss. Teehee. (aside) So I got my uniform and nametag. I headed up to the campsite to find my tent.
Deon: Yo John, check the new kid out! He’s straight up trippin
John: yeah, I guess
Deon: Check this out, HEY! Yo umm…***! Zup G. we’re gonna be sharing a tent, aight?
Tim: Goody! Oh, and my name’s actually Tim
Deon: Whatev. So I need to talk to you about your tent fee
Tim: What tent fee
Deon: Say wha?? You didn’t know about the tent fee? Well, since you’re gonna be sharing a tent with me, I’m gonna need 5 bucks a week. Oh, and I’ll need 10 bucks up front.
Tim: aww shucks. I was gonna use this to buy more medicine, but…here ya go.
Deon: alright man, it’s wack, but it’s the way it all works.
Tim: I guess it is…wack! Ha..wack.
John: Hey kid, come here. I see you don’t know how camp works up here
Tim: yeah, I had no clue I had to pay a tent fee. Lucky for me I brought up 500 dollars!
Deon: Say Wha?
John: no, that’s not what I meant. But don’t worry man, I can show you the ropes.
Tim: and I’ll tie them in 40 different knots. Hahaha. Boy Scout joke…get it? Cuz ya know you said how you’d show me the ropes and I..
John: I got it
Tim: but you didn’t laugh
John: yeah..well anyway, let me introduce you to the rest of the staff. You’ve already met Deon
Deon: Wicka wicka
John: there’s Adam
Adam: well helllllllo!
Tim: He’s friendly
John: He’s gay
Tim: oh, but I thought that
John: Don’t ask don’t tell….there’s Ron
Tim: is he…
John: blind? Yes
Tim: oh, what is he teaching up here?
John: Rifle merit badge
John: Then there’s Alex, but we all call him 4 arms.
Tim: why do you call him that?
Nathan: hey you kids. Come down here or something
Tim: who’s that?
John: that’s Nathan, the program director up here. He’s emo
Tim: Emo? What’s that?
John: ever heard of a cross dresser?
John: imagine that, darker clothes, and tighter pants
Tim: wow. (aside) So I guess you could say me and john were……buds! So now I was introduced to the staff, and headed down to the main lodge for first aid and youth protection training. Well it looked it was going to be a fun filled summer so far!
Tony: alright sit. Nathan here’s gonna teach you first aid so shut up and pay attention.
Nathan: alright…first thing’s first. Don’t cut down, cut across..
Tony: alright ya all first aid certified. Now for the youth protection video.
This is Jimmy. Jimmy likes to play. Look at what a nice fun loving young boy Jimmy is. If he keeps this up, he will live a perfect life. There’s only two things that can screw that up. One is drugs….but we’re not gonna worry about that. What we’re worried about is….SEXUAL HARRASSMENT!! Recent studies show that 94% of people between ages 0 and 125 don’t like to be touched in what we call….the danger zone. SO DON’T DO IT OR THE CAMP GETS SUED! Here’s a real life confessional of what happened Willy was SEXUALLY HARASSED!
Willy: Well, this kid in our troop who didn’t have many friends told me to come with him to get fire wood. We walked and walked deeper into the forest. When I complained about how far we were going or how dark it was getting he just told me I was a wimp and should move to France. He said he knew the perfect tree that had real good firewood. We finally got to the tree and he said we should play monkeys! I was really excited until he told me that monkeys didn’t wear clothes. Then he said monkeys did other things…..you know….sex things? And then he told me that if I ever told anybody what happened, he would hurt my little brother!(cries hysterically)
So if this video teaches you anything, it is that unless you are confronted with the 6% that enjoy it, NO TOUCHING! EVER!……that means you Adam
Adam: *sigh* every year!
Tony: alright, so you’re certified and all that crap. Troops show up tomorrow so make sure everything’s ready. Yeah. Go.
Tim: (aside) I was so nervous for the day to come. I got my program area all set up. I was going to be teaching about America’s history to all the little youngsters that want to learn! I was so excited I couldn’t sleep. And I also couldn’t sleep because it turns out Deon raps in his sleep.
Deon: (snoring) yeah yeah, what you want boy. My name is Deon, but I ain’t neon….
Tim: (aside) but I finally got to sleep. The next day came and I was so happy to see the troop’s arrive. Before my troop got their, I actually got a letter in the mail from my mom! I was so excited to read it!
Mom Letter: hello son. I hope you are having an ever so wonderful time at camp. Everything’s going great here at home. I was gonna wait to tell you, but I thought through letter would be the best way….your grandma died. It was a stroke. Oh and your little sister Susie stepped in front of a bus….she’s dead too. And me and your father are getting a divorce, that Nazi bastard. Well, see you in a few weeks. Love, Mom
Tim: (aside) well, that was kinda some bad news. But I knew after meeting my troop I’d be in a better mood. I saw the troop I was assigned to help throughout the week pull up. I went over to greet them.
Scoutmaster: Alright men. Line up. No slackers this week. And I mean it. You call everyone over the age of 18 sir do I make myself clear?
All: Yes Sir
Tim: uh, hi, I’ll be you’re guide throughout the week, I’m here to take you on your tour of camp.
Scoutmaster. Ah yes private. Here is a list of the merit badges my men will be taking
Tim: alright thanks (looks it over) umm, lets see, all your boys..
Tim: sorry, all your men are signed up for 3 merit badges. We offer Rifle and Wilderness Survival, but..the third one you singed them up for, Killing a Man with Your Bare Hands…yeah, we don’t offer that one.
Scoutmaster: What? Why the hell not private? Are you aware that boy scouts is designed to train these men to someday protect our country in the armed forces???
Tim: that’s not all boy scouts is for
Scoutmaster: yes it is private. Now stand down
Tim: (aside) at that moment, I remembered when John told me to stick up for myself…
John: stick up for yourself. Yeah, this is it
END OF FLASHBACK
Tim: (aside) so I knew their was only one thing to do, (back in character) No it is not! (assumes karate position)
(Scoutmaster is on knees, Tim is holding a sword)
Tim: now that I have defeated you, you must die an honorable death…by the sword!
Deon: Now hold up!! FBI!!
(starts to arrest Tim)
Tim: wait wait wait a second! What….just happened.
(everyone looks around)
Deon: I…..I don’t know
Scoutmaster: Would….you take us on the tour now
Tim: I’d…I’d be happy to. (aside) well the weeks passed and I experienced a lot of new and exciting things!! Like public showers with Adam..
(Adam and Tim in shower)
Adam: how YOU doin?
Tim: (aside) campfire songs…..
John: come on tim, it’s time to sing campfire songs
Tim: ooh, I know home on the range!
John: ha, we sing…..different campfire songs…
Hump…de dump….hump hump…de dumpty dumpty hump…..de dump…..hump hump…de dumpty dumpty Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, humpty dumpty had a great fall, all the king’s horses and all the kings men said HUH, ain’t that funky now! Hump, de dump, hump hump, de dumpty dumpty hump, de dump, hump hump, de dumpty dumpty little miss muffit, sat on her tuffit eating her curds and way..WAY..when along came a spider and sat down beside her and HUH ain’t that funky now!
Tim: (aside) to trying to teach little kids about America’s history
Tim: but unfortunately Abraham Lincoln was assassinated
Kid 1: assassinated??
Tim: yes, yes he’s dead
Kid 1: dead?? Why?
Tim: Well someone shot him.
Kid 1: oh……so….is he dead?
Tim: yes, he was shot and killed.
Kid 2: He’s in the ground
Tim: yes, they buried him in the ground after he died
Kid 1: what, why was he buried in the ground???
Kid 2: cuz we all go under ground after we die
Kid 1: I don’t wanna go underground
Tim: now kids…
Kid 1: what if we wake up?
Kid 3: or worms eat us?
Kid 1: or if we wake up when worms are eating us
Kid 1: so wait, is he dead?
Tim: (aside) it ended up being a great year, I learned a lot from everyone. Especially John. I really can’t wait til next year…..
BOTH: next year….next year…next year
Tim: hey, you the new kid?
Robert: yes, my name’s Robert Willingham the third!!
Tim: I’m Tim
Robert: well nice to meet you Tim
Tim: yeah. Well hey, I’ll help ya get set up, so…..lets talk about your tent fee
Robert: Tent Fee?