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Where the pain ends - Bardock's Poetry
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Bardock42
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Location: With Cinderella and the 9 Dwarves

Where the pain ends - Bardock's Poetry

Hey, I wrote poetry for a while now, and finally I found the courage to post it. Lots of it is very, very dark and nothing for people that are easily offended. I will first post some of my earlier work.


Flame of Darkness and Love

It burns in my heart
The fire I can't stop
Can someone please call a cop
Though I have no chance to get help as I lost my ID card

The anger I feel is undescribable
I fear for my life
Why does it always happen to me
Am I cursed

Night has set and so has my love
I am not able to move
When will this horrible live ever end
I feel the blade as it cuts my hand




Comments are welcome but only good ones.

If you don't like it you just don't understand it.


smile


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Old Post Jul 29th, 2008 06:14 PM
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Bardock42
Junior Member

Gender: Unspecified
Location: With Cinderella and the 9 Dwarves

This one I wrote after I read some of the Wikipedia on Dante's Inferno.



The Coldness of Hell and it's Circles of Pain

When has it started?
No one knows!

Energy bursts through the endless hall
Screams of the damned that had not chance but to fall
Can you see their grins
No, you can't! They cry

Who is the master of this world?
No one knows!

The throne of skulls is empty
Years has it been
They don't remembers what they have seen.
Everyone had to pay the ultimate fee.

When will it end?
Never!




It sounds like a good book, but I don't really read that much.


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Old Post Jul 29th, 2008 06:16 PM
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Sancty
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Gender: Female
Location: -

Re: Where the pain ends - Bardock's Poetry

quote: (post)
Originally posted by Bardock42

Comments are welcome but only good ones.

If you don't like it you just don't understand it.


smile


__________________


taft

Old Post Jul 29th, 2008 06:33 PM
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Bardock42
Junior Member

Gender: Unspecified
Location: With Cinderella and the 9 Dwarves

quote: (post)
Originally posted by Sanctuary
Thanks, I am glad you liked it. What was your favourite part?



This one I made when I was younger and my parents still forced me to go to church. They are both catholics.


Church

I had to go to church today
Why did I
I do not believe
I hate Jesus

My parents made me dress nice
I looked so weak.
I wanted to wear my black Simple Plan shirt
But they didn't let me

It's all God's fault
I hate him
Only Satan will give me power.
And Johnny was mean to me again.



I can't believe I wrote this when I was just 16. I am not sure if I could even write like that now, 6 years later. Haha, I guess when Bob Dylan said "Oh I feel so much younger now I was smarter than that earlier" applies to me, too. For anyone who cares, my parents stopped after when I turned 17, once I screamed "Hail Satan" when during the communion. My brother dared me laughing

Maybe I post some more poems later.

Keep the comments coming smile


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Old Post Jul 29th, 2008 06:42 PM
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Bardock42
Junior Member

Gender: Unspecified
Location: With Cinderella and the 9 Dwarves

No comments? sad

This one is one of the few songs I wrote. I never was in a band, but I think it is good lyrics. So, if everyone has a melody for them you can PM me. I'd say Punk or Heavy Metal would be best.


Song of Darkness


Why can't I fight the endless dreams
Someone must come to help
When have I found the deepest well
And will I scream and yelp?

We can't feel the power here, no we can't feel the power here
No one will come to rescue
We want to disappear
We want to disappear

From dawn till dusk I sleep in ruins
My life is drained from me
But when the night arrives
I know there is not better place to be

We can't feel the power here, no we can't feel the power here
No one will come to rescue
We want to disappear
We want to disappear


I want to disappear


__________________

Old Post Jul 29th, 2008 10:22 PM
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Bardock42
Junior Member

Gender: Unspecified
Location: With Cinderella and the 9 Dwarves

Still no one reading. You guys are mean.

This one is one of my happier poems. I must have been about 18 when I wrote it:


Today!

We were in the park today
It was the best day of my life.
You gave me a kiss.
It's been an hour and I can't tell you how I miss
You.


Whenever I am happy you are around.
I never knew such beautiful sound
You make me feel so happy now.
I want to be with you forever.

Later on we fed animals in the zoo
And went to go see a movie
I wish this day would never end.
Life is good.Today!

We were in the park today
It was the best day of my life.
You gave me a kiss.
It's been an hour and I can't tell you how I miss
You.


Whenever I am happy you are around.
I never knew such beautiful sound
You make me feel so happy now.
I want to be with you forever.

Later on we fed animals in the zoo
And went to go see a movie
I wish this day would never end.
Life is good.


__________________

Old Post Jul 30th, 2008 02:52 PM
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King of Blades
The King

Gender: Male
Location: The South

quote: (post)
Originally posted by Bardock42
Flame of Darkness and Love

It burns in my heart
The fire I can't stop
Can someone please call a cop
Though I have no chance to get help as I lost my ID card

The anger I feel is undescribable
I fear for my life
Why does it always happen to me
Am I cursed

Night has set and so has my love
I am not able to move
When will this horrible live ever end
I feel the blade as it cuts my hand


It's choppy, and seems to convey a sense of rush in the reader. Like I'm running. I'm not saying its bad, the poem is just strange. Usually there is a story to convey, even in running poems. But this one just seems to move like those poems they read at those jazz clubs that seem to be spontaneous. I'm not criticizing as in so much explaining what I am taking from the poem. I feel like I'm running....

quote: (post)
Originally posted by Bardock42
The Coldness of Hell and it's Circles of Pain

When has it started?
No one knows!

Energy bursts through the endless hall
Screams of the damned that had not chance but to fall
Can you see their grins
No, you can't! They cry

Who is the master of this world?
No one knows!

The throne of skulls is empty
Years has it been
They don't remembers what they have seen.
Everyone had to pay the ultimate fee.

When will it end?
Never!


The book seems good, although I have never read it myself. I too have read the articles on wikipedia, and maybe one day I will indulge myself. Until then...

I like it. This one is a little more "ordered" yet I don't know how. And not in the way you and I would define ordered. It seems that there is better flow of ideas and images. As if I had fallen into Hell and this would be what I see. It works in a manner similar to a funnel where it begins with the arrival into Hell, the old adage "It'd seem heaven is an empty place, cause Hell's where everyone is" and we believe this in that hell is a place worth going to. But none are grinning and everyone’s crying. And so as we pass the empty throne of Hell, for even he who we think rules is a prisoner there, we head to our own punishment for eternity.


quote: (post)
Originally posted by Bardock42
Church

I had to go to church today
Why did I
I do not believe
I hate Jesus

My parents made me dress nice
I looked so weak.
I wanted to wear my black Simple Plan shirt
But they didn't let me

It's all God's fault
I hate him
Only Satan will give me power.
And Johnny was mean to me again.


I don’t want to say this poem seemed childish, but this poem seemed childish. It’s not insomuch the lack of anything literarily mature, but anything mature in the poem. This may be me being prejudice on account of me being catholic (and I would completely understand the defenestration of this comment), however I failed to see anything worth remembering in this poem. Granted it posses legitimate adolescent obstacles, and perhaps in a more versed manner can it convey it as more then a “complaining” vent. As my brother would say, “would you like some cheese with that whine (wine)?”


quote: (post)
Originally posted by Bardock42
Song of Darkness


Why can't I fight the endless dreams
Someone must come to help
When have I found the deepest well
And will I scream and yelp?

We can't feel the power here, no we can't feel the power here
No one will come to rescue
We want to disappear
We want to disappear

From dawn till dusk I sleep in ruins
My life is drained from me
But when the night arrives
I know there is not better place to be

We can't feel the power here, no we can't feel the power here
No one will come to rescue
We want to disappear
We want to disappear


I want to disappear


Everyone seems to find themselves following these sentiments somewhere down the road. Isolation and individuality look as if they walk hand in hand in this poem as I interpret it to be the subject attempting to grasp at some elusion of escape. My admiration stems from a hidden understanding of the theme and an appreciation at the manner it was conveyed. Repetition contributed much to the flow and structure of this poem, but the lack of movement seemed to augment the lack of story in a good way. I mean this in that I took this more to be a description of the actual emotions and the ambience that it conveys than anything else. Granted it is like I said before, more of an opinion on what the poems mean to me then any form of criticism.


quote: (post)
Originally posted by Bardock42
Today!

We were in the park today
It was the best day of my life.
You gave me a kiss.
It's been an hour and I can't tell you how I miss
You.


Whenever I am happy you are around.
I never knew such beautiful sound
You make me feel so happy now.
I want to be with you forever.

Later on we fed animals in the zoo
And went to go see a movie
I wish this day would never end.
Life is good.Today!

We were in the park today
It was the best day of my life.
You gave me a kiss.
It's been an hour and I can't tell you how I miss
You.


Whenever I am happy you are around.
I never knew such beautiful sound
You make me feel so happy now.
I want to be with you forever.

Later on we fed animals in the zoo
And went to go see a movie
I wish this day would never end.
Life is good.


Again as the last. However it seems you were debating between a poem, a song, and the reminiscence of a good day. This conflict inhibited for me a greater understanding of both the day and the feeling of happiness by both subjects. In short this particular work (if I may now criticize) repeats the same stanzas twice making it an unexciting read, and further more drowns out the excitement of your supposed “grand-day”. On top of that, you never really explained other elements of the day that made it great. For example, everything must have seemed “sunnier” after the kiss, or the description of the “feelings” you felt. You hinder all other senses from playing a part in your poem and so all my senses are rendered inoperative during the course of my read.

In summation I applaud your courage. Your poems have a strange potential that hint to a personal style. And in such a case you should continue writing. But remember, you have more then your eyes to perceive your world. And sometimes it is these senses, not your eyes, which convey it better.

Sorry for such a long post. If you must be prejudice to what I have written, at least read the last part. It is criticism to balance out my somewhat self-centered post. I apologize for it, if that is the case. To tell you the truth, I really didn’t have much to say in regards to critique other then the cliché “it doesn’t really have structure?” or “it’s lacking composition?” or “what’s the story?” and my personal favorite, “why doesn’t it rhyme?” So I just typed my personal interpretations of the poems that if all else failed we could compare and share said interpretations. I hope this is an adequate comment.


__________________

Last edited by King of Blades on Aug 2nd, 2008 at 04:52 AM

Old Post Aug 2nd, 2008 04:44 AM
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Bardock42
Junior Member

Gender: Unspecified
Location: With Cinderella and the 9 Dwarves

quote: (post)
Originally posted by King of Blades
It's choppy, and seems to convey a sense of rush in the reader. Like I'm running. I'm not saying its bad, the poem is just strange. Usually there is a story to convey, even in running poems. But this one just seems to move like those poems they read at those jazz clubs that seem to be spontaneous. I'm not criticizing as in so much explaining what I am taking from the poem. I feel like I'm running....



The book seems good, although I have never read it myself. I too have read the articles on wikipedia, and maybe one day I will indulge myself. Until then...

I like it. This one is a little more "ordered" yet I don't know how. And not in the way you and I would define ordered. It seems that there is better flow of ideas and images. As if I had fallen into Hell and this would be what I see. It works in a manner similar to a funnel where it begins with the arrival into Hell, the old adage "It'd seem heaven is an empty place, cause Hell's where everyone is" and we believe this in that hell is a place worth going to. But none are grinning and everyone’s crying. And so as we pass the empty throne of Hell, for even he who we think rules is a prisoner there, we head to our own punishment for eternity.




I don’t want to say this poem seemed childish, but this poem seemed childish. It’s not insomuch the lack of anything literarily mature, but anything mature in the poem. This may be me being prejudice on account of me being catholic (and I would completely understand the defenestration of this comment), however I failed to see anything worth remembering in this poem. Granted it posses legitimate adolescent obstacles, and perhaps in a more versed manner can it convey it as more then a “complaining” vent. As my brother would say, “would you like some cheese with that whine (wine)?”




Everyone seems to find themselves following these sentiments somewhere down the road. Isolation and individuality look as if they walk hand in hand in this poem as I interpret it to be the subject attempting to grasp at some elusion of escape. My admiration stems from a hidden understanding of the theme and an appreciation at the manner it was conveyed. Repetition contributed much to the flow and structure of this poem, but the lack of movement seemed to augment the lack of story in a good way. I mean this in that I took this more to be a description of the actual emotions and the ambience that it conveys than anything else. Granted it is like I said before, more of an opinion on what the poems mean to me then any form of criticism.




Again as the last. However it seems you were debating between a poem, a song, and the reminiscence of a good day. This conflict inhibited for me a greater understanding of both the day and the feeling of happiness by both subjects. In short this particular work (if I may now criticize) repeats the same stanzas twice making it an unexciting read, and further more drowns out the excitement of your supposed “grand-day”. On top of that, you never really explained other elements of the day that made it great. For example, everything must have seemed “sunnier” after the kiss, or the description of the “feelings” you felt. You hinder all other senses from playing a part in your poem and so all my senses are rendered inoperative during the course of my read.

In summation I applaud your courage. Your poems have a strange potential that hint to a personal style. And in such a case you should continue writing. But remember, you have more then your eyes to perceive your world. And sometimes it is these senses, not your eyes, which convey it better.

Sorry for such a long post. If you must be prejudice to what I have written, at least read the last part. It is criticism to balance out my somewhat self-centered post. I apologize for it, if that is the case. To tell you the truth, I really didn’t have much to say in regards to critique other then the cliché “it doesn’t really have structure?” or “it’s lacking composition?” or “what’s the story?” and my personal favorite, “why doesn’t it rhyme?” So I just typed my personal interpretations of the poems that if all else failed we could compare and share said interpretations. I hope this is an adequate comment.


Thank you for posting. I am happy you liked some of the stuff I said, but it's still mean to criticize sad

But at least you've been nice about it and you said I had potential which is good yes

I do agree with some of it, though not all. But I am glad you posted, no one else does sad


__________________

Old Post Aug 2nd, 2008 12:36 PM
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King of Blades
The King

Gender: Male
Location: The South

quote: (post)
Originally posted by Bardock42
Thank you for posting. I am happy you liked some of the stuff I said, but it's still mean to criticize sad

But at least you've been nice about it and you said I had potential which is good yes

I do agree with some of it, though not all. But I am glad you posted, no one else does sad

Well then I fail to understand why you would post your poems if you want nothing but praise. Obviously some of the poems are good, but some of them aren't. Alright, they suck, but that's the point. Your poems suck so you get another person's opinion to make them better. That's like asking for a toned body but not wanting to do the exercise to get there. I really do fail to comprehend how it is you come off thinking that everyone's going to read your poems and find nothing wrong with them.

And the people will come with time.


__________________

Old Post Aug 3rd, 2008 02:59 AM
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Deja~vu
Dreamer

Gender: Female
Location: Michigan

quote: (post)
Originally posted by Bardock42
This one I wrote after I read some of the Wikipedia on Dante's Inferno.



The Coldness of Hell and it's Circles of Pain

When has it started?
No one knows!

Energy bursts through the endless hall
Screams of the damned that had not chance but to fall
Can you see their grins
No, you can't! They cry

Who is the master of this world?
No one knows!

The throne of skulls is empty
Years has it been
They don't remembers what they have seen.
Everyone had to pay the ultimate fee.

When will it end?
Never!




It sounds like a good book, but I don't really read that much.
I like this one. Pretty good there Bardock. cool


__________________
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

Old Post Aug 8th, 2008 05:43 PM
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It's xyz!
Restricted

Gender: Male
Location: Made you look

Account Restricted

quote: (post)
Originally posted by Bardock42
Thanks, I am glad you liked it. What was your favourite part?



This one I made when I was younger and my parents still forced me to go to church. They are both catholics.


Church

I had to go to church today
Why did I
I do not believe
I hate Jesus

My parents made me dress nice
I looked so weak.
I wanted to wear my black Simple Plan shirt
But they didn't let me

It's all God's fault
I hate him
Only Satan will give me power.
And Johnny was mean to me again.



I can't believe I wrote this when I was just 16. I am not sure if I could even write like that now, 6 years later. Haha, I guess when Bob Dylan said "Oh I feel so much younger now I was smarter than that earlier" applies to me, too. For anyone who cares, my parents stopped after when I turned 17, once I screamed "Hail Satan" when during the communion. My brother dared me laughing

Maybe I post some more poems later.

Keep the comments coming smile
This was a good one and made me smile.

Also, you have a brother? I never knew.


__________________

Bulbasaur, the original... Pepe.

Last edited by Raz on Jan 1st 2000 at 00:00AM

Old Post Aug 8th, 2008 10:51 PM
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Bardock42
Junior Member

Gender: Unspecified
Location: With Cinderella and the 9 Dwarves

quote: (post)
Originally posted by lord xyz
This was a good one and made me smile.

Also, you have a brother? I never knew.


Thanks, and yeah, I have a brother, his name is not Johnny though, I just used that to make it anonymous. That's how I call him in all my poetry.

I have one that's about him.


Johnny

He lives in the room across the floor
Sometimes he comes knocking at my door
He stays a while, not always long
but when he comes there's something wrong

From mondays to fridays he's an ass
But when it is the weekend you'd never guess
He's friendly, polite and nice sometimes too
Why can't he be always, I ask you

3 years older he is today
and I don't know how long he'll stay
but when he leaves I know for sure
I will miss him there is no cure.


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Old Post Aug 8th, 2008 11:14 PM
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It's xyz!
Restricted

Gender: Male
Location: Made you look

Account Restricted

That was pretty cool too. A lot better than your other stuff.


__________________

Bulbasaur, the original... Pepe.

Last edited by Raz on Jan 1st 2000 at 00:00AM

Old Post Aug 9th, 2008 11:14 AM
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leonheartmm
Senior Member

Gender: Female
Location:

BARDOCK?! POETRY?!?!??!!? GET THE **** OUT OF HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!


simple and sincere.

Old Post Aug 10th, 2008 11:35 PM
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Mindship
Snap out of it.

Gender: Male
Location: Supersurfing

Good stuff, Bardock. Somewhat Lovecraftian, perhaps. I liked 'Song of Darkness' best.


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Shinier than a speeding bullet.

Old Post Aug 11th, 2008 05:59 PM
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Deja~vu
Dreamer

Gender: Female
Location: Michigan

quote: (post)
Originally posted by Bardock42
No comments? sad

This one is one of the few songs I wrote. I never was in a band, but I think it is good lyrics. So, if everyone has a melody for them you can PM me. I'd say Punk or Heavy Metal would be best.


Song of Darkness


Why can't I fight the endless dreams
Someone must come to help
When have I found the deepest well
And will I scream and yelp?

We can't feel the power here, no we can't feel the power here
No one will come to rescue
We want to disappear
We want to disappear

From dawn till dusk I sleep in ruins
My life is drained from me
But when the night arrives
I know there is not better place to be

We can't feel the power here, no we can't feel the power here
No one will come to rescue
We want to disappear
We want to disappear


I want to disappear
Great emotional stuff.. smile That is what poems are made up, so they say. They are the inner you........the raw you...........good job!

Yeah, inner turmoil or inner thoughts to our souls..........hahaha, you don't believe in a soul, but it is in our inner most thoughts.............glad for you, Mr. B....*Applauds.*


__________________
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

Last edited by Deja~vu on Aug 13th, 2008 at 03:33 AM

Old Post Aug 13th, 2008 03:30 AM
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Strangelove
Misunderstood Genius

Gender: Male
Location: The Transmogrifier

quote: (post)
Originally posted by Bardock42
It sounds like a good book, but I don't really read that much.
It's brilliant, but a little preachy.


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Old Post Aug 15th, 2008 10:38 AM
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Bardock42
Junior Member

Gender: Unspecified
Location: With Cinderella and the 9 Dwarves

Thanks guys, I am happy you like it.



Lost and alone like a spark of fire in the dark night sky

Running through the void
An endless fire burning in my heart
Nothing around for miles

A burst of light
A last flicker of hope
The End



This one is pretty short, but I like the imagery.


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Old Post Aug 16th, 2008 10:21 AM
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Ya Krunk'd Floo
Moving with the swell.

Gender: Male
Location: West of the Sun.

Are you that same Bardock that I used to know and love? If you are that one (that one), then I can't tell if you're flipping the bird or not. If you're not, then that doesn't mean it's bad, just that you aren't flipping the bird.

Something, something, something, because, because, because...


__________________
Full fathom five thy father lies;
Of his bones are coral made;
Those are pearls that were his eyes:
Nothing of him that doth fade
But doth suffer a sea-change
Into something rich and strange.

Old Post Aug 16th, 2008 11:02 AM
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Bardock42
Junior Member

Gender: Unspecified
Location: With Cinderella and the 9 Dwarves

quote: (post)
Originally posted by Ya Krunk'd Floo
Are you that same Bardock that I used to know and love? If you are that one (that one), then I can't tell if you're flipping the bird or not. If you're not, then that doesn't mean it's bad, just that you aren't flipping the bird.

Something, something, something, because, because, because...


You silly person, I do not understand what you are talking about. Is the genius in my poetry too obvious? I do like birds though.


__________________

Old Post Aug 16th, 2008 11:28 AM
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