Gender: Male Location: 4th Street Underpass, Manhattan
Lestov's Bad Movie Reviews
Hello, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Lestov, and today, for our review, we are travelling to a place so horrid, so soul-crushingly abominable, so horrendously wretched, that even Chuck Norris would cringe in disgust. Of course, I am talking about...the mind of Uwe Boll.
For those of you who don't know who Mr. Boll is, he is a director of such great films as Far Cry, BloodRayne, Alone in the Dark, and today's review, House of the Dead. If you care to research, every film I just listed is in IMDB's bottom 100 worst films of all-time. This is because Mr. Boll isn't just some director. He is one of the most notorious individuals to ever be involved in either motion pictures or, most savagely, video games. Boll's MO is to gain the rights to video game adaptations (some even before the game is even released, such as Far Cry), and then adaptations that are so bad they can hardly even be qualified as "films". What's even worse is that Boll used to have a Producers-esque scam going on, since German tax laws used to allow him to to write off any money invested in his movies as tax write-offs.
Oh, yeah, and he's an egomaniacal troll who not only claims he's "the best in the ****ing business", but also challenges his critics (AKA everyone who is not Uwe Boll) to boxing matches
But let's not waste time, let's get started with the review:
Last edited by Impediment on Jan 25th, 2011 at 12:38 AM
Gender: Male Location: 4th Street Underpass, Manhattan
Our film begins with our protagonist sitting alone on an island. He narrate about how he's so distraught about all the dead people and victims (which are the same thing). He also narrates in an extremely pathetic "tough guy" tone, that comes off as incredibly cheesy. The opening credits start, and already I can tell I'm in for some very deep shit. Blaring, annoying techno music is played over from annoying scenes from the game (I don't find the game bad, but Boll's use of it is horrid), and guess what. That annoying music and annoying game clips, played throughout the entire damn movie.
The film cuts to a pier, where we meet our other protagonists (whom the off-screen narrator introduces one-by-one). The other protagonists, Greg and Simon (annoying douchebags), Karma (sassy black girl whom the narrator says has a crush on Simon, which becomes relevant to the plot a total of zero times), Cynthia (Simon's slutty blonde girlfriend who you know is going to die), and Allisha (the protagonists love interest, whom split so that "he could study" and "she could fence" . the protagonist also says that Simon has a crush on her, a fact that once again doesn't become relevant to the plot whatsoever) have missed a boat that will take them to "The Rave of The Century", which is..on an isolated island...for some reason: . The acting is extremely atrocious and wooden to the point of absurdity. Then, in Uwe Boll's excellent writing skills, the protagonist says that had they not pursued another boat, they'd all be alive. Well thanks a f*cking a lot, Mr. Boll. you've just completely ruined any tension in the film, since I know they all die. Good job, Uwe, good job. The group (not including the protagonist, whom I guess is already at the rave) decide to bribe a fishing boat captain to take them there. The cap, Captain Kirk (how hilarious), and his first mate, Salish, initially are reluctant to take them, claiming that the island they want to go to is known Isla De Muerte, the Island of the Dead (because obviously no one knows basic Spanish), but the group eventually bribes the captain by offering him $1,000, half now, and half for the trip back (which is retarded since they can go back on the boat all the other partyers are leaving back on). Harbor patrol arrives at the pier, represented by a tough girl named Casper, apparently to make sure Kirk isn't smuggling anything. However, the group pays Kirk even more to ignore Harbor Patrol and go on anyway.
We then cut to "The Rave Of The Century", perhaps the most misapporiately-named event ever. this "rave" consts of about 30 people, a small stage, a couple of small tents, and two port-a-potties. At the rave, there is a bunch of **** and blaring techno music, along with a banner hanging on the stage which says Sega. Thanks Uwe for continually reminding us exactly which video game you're raping. A slutty girl and her boyfriend wander off and obviously get killed by what has to be the worst zombie make-up ever.
The gang finally reaches the island, but unbeknowst to them, Harbor Patrol is following them. The gang finds the place trashed and completely deserted. They then decide to high-tail it the **** out of there. Oh, wait, I'm sorry. They decide to stay because there is free booze, even after finding a bloody T-Shirt. Cynthia, Simon, and Kharma decide to look for the other partyers, while Greg and Cynthia stay to have sex. Greg has to pee very quick, and while he's gone, surprise, surprise, slutty blond girl gets merked.
The others eventually find a house (The House of The Dead?... ), and enter it to find the protagonist (Rudy is his name), Liberty (some asian....stripper it seems who has possibly two sentences of dialogue), and Hugh (a jackass with a video camera whose odds for living are the same as Uwe Boll's are for making a good film), whom are hiding in there. The House gang shows the boat gang a recorded video showing a (horrendously bad) zombie attack on the rave, with the House gang being the only known survivors. The six go back to the rave site to grab blondie and Greg.
Meanwhile, Salish is also in the woods, trying to dispose of smuggled weapons so that Harbor Patrol won't catch them. You'll never guess what happens to him (spoiler: he dies). Meanwhile, the gang goes back to the site, only to find Greg and Cynthia gone...until Cynthia appears as a zombie!! Cynthia attacks and kills Hugh, but is shot and killed by Casper, who has also made it to the island. Also, Greg comes out of a Port-a-Potty, having been trapped in there when the zombies attacked Cynthia and knocked it over (and yes, he is covered in shit. How funny).
Meanwhile, Kirk is chilling on his boat smoking a cigar when the zombies attack. Kirk nonchalantly kills all of them and doesn't act the bit surprised. I must hand it to Jürgen Prochnow. He, like Michael Clarke Duncan in the recent Street Fighter movie, knows exactly how shitty the movie he is in is and hams himself as a badass, making him the only (and I do mean only) enjoyable thing about this film.
The gang plans to escape the island via Kirk's boat, but arrive to see it overrun by zombies. However, turns out that Kirk isn't on the boat. He and Casper blow away all the zombies. Kirk is bitten on the arm in the process and Simon gets saliva spit on him (something no other zombie does for the rest of the film), but both manage to truck along anyway. Ugh. Thank God. They get on the boat, since it is now secure, leave the island, and the film ends. Oh, wait, wrong again. They stay, the reasons of which are never explained. They run back through the woods, and Greg is killed. How sad. It's not like I knew this from the beginning.
Also, in between this bullshit plot, there are various, random scenes of the zombies just running around and jumping at the screen. Are they relevant to plot at all? No. Not. One. Bit. Also, we see scenes of a pale, scarred figure frequently spying on the gang. Do you know how unscary Halloween would be if we saw it through Michael's eyes the whole film? Well guess what? That's what happens here.
It is from this point that (to paraphrase a quote from IMDB) the film reaches rock bottom, and then, in a stunning defiance of physics, actually gets worse. Kirk leads the gang to the weapons Silash was trying to rid of (how would he even know where they were?). And then......the action sequence. Oh God, the action sequence. It is basically 7 minutes (which once again defies physics as it seems like an hour) of the heroes gunning down and H2H fighting the zombies (you read that correctly), over an extremely shitty backround song, juxtaposed with random flashes from the game, and a horrific abuse of slo-mo. And those 20-something partyers? They've all managed to gain the skillset of Special Ops Commandos.
Liberty and Casper are killed as the remaining survivors make it back to the house. Then we get our backstory! Yeah! Apparently pale, scarred boy is Callisto, some Spainsh dude from the 1700's who performed brutal medical experiments in order to find immortality. Callisto was being taken to some...prison, I guess, but overpowered his captors, killed the crew of his ship, landed the ship to the island, and enslaved the natives.
Back to the present, Cap decides to sacrifice himself by blowing up some sticks of dynamite he had in his weapons cache. He goes outside and detonates it....right next to the house, destroying all the doors and letting the zombies in. Thanks alot Captain! You really helped out! . The remaining survivors escape through the cellar as Simon decides to pull a cap and blows up a bunch of gunpowder. Then they are attacked by....moss..monsters ? Mrs. Sassy decides to stay back and what do you know? She dies.
They then see who they think is Greg, who leads them to some room. However it's really Callisto in his disguise, and his zombie minions capture Rudy and Allisha. Rudy and Callisto then exchange the sing worst piece of dialogue I've ever heard in my life:
Rudy: You did all this to become immortal. Why?
Castillo: To live forever!
Gender: Male Location: 4th Street Underpass, Manhattan
Then, despite the fact that 4 zombies are holding him down, Rudy somehow manages to overpower them and him and Allisha escape, throwing a grenade as the exit the house, which, despite being a simple frag grenade, blows up the entire damn house in a big fiery explosion. But it's not over yet, as Callisto is still alive. Callisto gets into a sword fight with Allisha and Rudy (whom is wielding a hatchet). Despite Allisha's so called fencing skills, Callisto hands them their ass before stabbing Allisha in the chest. However, while Callisto's doing that, Rudy decapitates him from behind with the hatchet. But Callisto's not dead yet, as he remotely controls his body to strangle Rudy. However, right before Rudy can be killed, Allisha (despite a stab to the chest) gets up and smashes Callisto's head (apparently by instinct, considering there was nothing in the film that remotely suggested that this would work). It does work, and Callisto is finally killed. Allisha then re-collapses. It cuts back to where we were at the start of the film. Allisha is apparently alive (thus making Rudy a god damn liar) as MIB types come to the island to rescue them and do other shit. And with that this shitty movie ends
It really tells you about a filmmaker when, despite me reading IMDB reviews, watching a whole video review, and having knowledge of Uwe Boll's other pieces of shit, I was still caught off guard by exactly how bad House Of The Dead was. I honestly am furious that I had to waste an hour and a half of my life watching that crap. And just to go that extra mile, not only does everything about the film suck, but Uwe Boll also adds in extremely annoying clips and references to the original game- you know, the one that the movie has nothing to do with whatsoever, the one Uwe Boll is prostituting because he knows if he released the film under the title "Retarded Zombie Rave Massacre", it probably wouldn't get sales. That's just adding insult to injury Mr. Boll. And trust me, I didn't even tell you about the shitty editing, amongst other crap. This isn't a movie worthy enough to wipe my behind with. Please Mr. Boll, stop making movies!! (and by the way, Boll jokingly made a petition that said that if he got 1 million signatures, he would stop making movies. That petition currently has IIRC 400,00 signatures)
See you next time for more bad movie adventures. Adios!
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KMC Community Forums
Jan 24th, 2011 08:36 PM
. the protagonist also says that Simon has a crush on her, a fact that once again doesn't become relevant to the plot whatsoever) have missed a boat that will take them to "The Rave of The Century", which is..on an isolated island...for some reason: . The acting is extremely atrocious and wooden to the point of absurdity. Then, in Uwe Boll's excellent writing skills, the protagonist says that had they not pursued another boat, they'd all be alive. Well thanks a f*cking a lot, Mr. Boll. you've just completely ruined any tension in the film, since I know they all die. Good job, Uwe, good job. The group (not including the protagonist, whom I guess is already at the rave) decide to bribe a fishing boat captain to take them there. The cap, Captain Kirk (how hilarious), and his first mate, Salish, initially are reluctant to take them, claiming that the island they want to go to is known Isla De Muerte, the Island of the Dead (because obviously no one knows basic Spanish), but the group eventually bribes the captain by offering him $1,000, half now, and half for the trip back (which is retarded since they can go back on the boat all the other partyers are leaving back on). Harbor patrol arrives at the pier, represented by a tough girl named Casper, apparently to make sure Kirk isn't smuggling anything. However, the group pays Kirk even more to ignore Harbor Patrol and go on anyway. 
), and enter it to find the protagonist (Rudy is his name), Liberty (some asian....stripper it seems who has possibly two sentences of dialogue), and Hugh (a jackass with a video camera whose odds for living are the same as Uwe Boll's are for making a good film), whom are hiding in there. The House gang shows the boat gang a recorded video showing a (horrendously bad) zombie attack on the rave, with the House gang being the only known survivors. The six go back to the rave site to grab blondie and Greg. 
. The remaining survivors escape through the cellar as Simon decides to pull a cap and blows up a bunch of gunpowder. Then they are attacked by....moss..monsters 
