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IS THIS STORY GOOD? (IT'S TRUE)
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VERY GOOD 5 71.43%
IT WAS OK 2 28.57%
IT NEEDS IMPROVEMENT (if so..please post) 0 0%
IT SUCKED 0 0%
Total: 7 votes 100%
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Castle Essay
Started by: ~Air Angel~

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~Air Angel~
Armed & Dangerous

Gender: Female
Location: Chillin on the Beach

Worried Castle Essay

PLEASE READ MY ESSAY FOR MY ENGLISH CLASS AND VOTE WHETHER IT IS GOOD OR NOT!! PLEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAASEEEEEE!! I WANT TO KEEP MY GRADES UP!! THANX! big grin




The chill air lashed out at my face and the fierce wind howled furiously like a wolf when the carriage made way for the mountain. Harnessed to the carriage were two fairly fat brown horses, both smelled of dust and manure. As the horses brought us closer to the top of the mountain I looked up and saw a large white structure that stood tall like a soldier. It glistened in the snow the same way that the stars twinkle in the night’s sky. It was called Neuschwanstein, King Ludwig II castle, and it is one of the world’s most famous castles. As I walked in through the entrance that led into the courtyard it was like walking into a fairytale from a storybook. I saw many tall pillars that were connected to leaping stairs that winded around. Once I was inside the castle it seemed old and deserted since no one has lived in it since the late 1800s.

Cold crisp air lurked about through the castle and there was a musky smell lingering about. As I continued to walk through it I realized that it was not so deserted after all. The castle had been brought to life by a painter who had painted many beautiful murals which could be found on almost every wall and ceiling. When the tour guide led us into the throne room it seemed like I had just walked into a rainbow. As I gazed around the room I noticed I was surrounded completely by the most magnificent murals I had ever seen. The murals swam around on the walls. This room was a particular favorite of mine. It was very vibrant. King Ludwig II was very keen on having many elaborate and colorful murals in his royal rooms.

The remaining parts of the king’s royal rooms were just as appealing as the throne room. King Ludwig II had insisted for them to have murals. The servants’ quarters and the knights’ quarters were very un-lively, they did not have any murals or any other sort of paintings or design to them. The king had wanted them left very dull. When Ludwig II had met with the architect he had wanted to create a fairytale castle that would stand out against all others. Truly Neuschwanstein was more than just a magnificent piece of art, it was his dream that had come to life.


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Old Post Feb 4th, 2004 06:45 PM
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~Air Angel~
Armed & Dangerous

Gender: Female
Location: Chillin on the Beach

NOTE: my teacher asked for many similies, metaphors and personifications b/c my story was supposed to be lifelike (come to life)


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Old Post Feb 4th, 2004 06:49 PM
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Phoenix
Luna Lovegood

Gender: Female
Location: in a double decker bus...

I would change the word "un-lively" in your last paragraph... maybe use "drab" or "dowdy" or "dingy"

Other than that, it looks good to me! big grin


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Old Post Feb 4th, 2004 09:49 PM
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Phoenix
Luna Lovegood

Gender: Female
Location: in a double decker bus...

Or maybe even "dead"...


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Old Post Feb 4th, 2004 09:50 PM
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Phoenix
Luna Lovegood

Gender: Female
Location: in a double decker bus...

"lifeless", something like that...


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Old Post Feb 4th, 2004 09:50 PM
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Peach
mordrem

Gender: Female
Location: verdant brink

Moderator

I agree with Phoe...it's very good, just that little bit in the last paragraph doesn't seem to fit with the rest, because of that one word. I think that 'drab' would fit in there the best.


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Old Post Feb 4th, 2004 10:09 PM
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Trickster
True KMC Jester

Gender: Male
Location: United Kingdom

I didn't really notice that, but I suppose it's a valid point. I could only see one mistake which I suppose your teacher might pick up on. In the very last sentence it says 'since no one has lived in it...' which is in the present tense and the rest of the essay is in the past tense.
Unless you meant it to be like that smile - and if so then there's is nothing I can see that's wrong at all!


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Old Post Feb 4th, 2004 10:31 PM
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~Air Angel~
Armed & Dangerous

Gender: Female
Location: Chillin on the Beach

THANK YOU ALL FOR ALL YOUR CRITIQUES....I didn't like un-lively too...i was a loss for words at the moment! big grin

My fellow classmates critiqued it as well and they loved it!! YAY!!!


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Old Post Feb 5th, 2004 06:42 AM
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~Air Angel~
Armed & Dangerous

Gender: Female
Location: Chillin on the Beach

I changed un-lively to lifeless! big grin


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Old Post Feb 5th, 2004 12:41 PM
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Laviera_j
Kadehadaire_Mage_:)

Gender: Female
Location:

It was a good piece of writing angel, but the only thing that I would say is that I didn't read to many metaphores though I did see similies.

Like you could have said;

"The wind was a beast and it lashed out at my warm skin."

Also, what about,

"The murals swam around on the walls - they were enigmatic dancers."

But otherwise it was very intriguing, and I liked the storyline. Did you make it up? Maybe you should continue with it.

I hope that you get an A!


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Lava_wacky_j

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All at the KMC tig! BOPrecruit16,Raven Guardia, charmaine,Exa, Tela,Nabokonir, cheekymunkey,airangel,tassie,ADSkinner,airangel429
,Eez! Everybody!

Old Post Feb 5th, 2004 05:33 PM
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Darth Revan
-

Gender: Male
Location: -

It was very good. Normally I would say that the part about the inside of the castle was a little overdone, but that's what your teacher asked for. I agree with everybody else, the word "un-lively" doesn't really fit. In fact, I'm not entirely sure it is a word. Overall, very good.


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Old Post Feb 6th, 2004 01:53 AM
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~Air Angel~
Armed & Dangerous

Gender: Female
Location: Chillin on the Beach

yeah..i was sleepy when i wrote that last part. yeah..i put loads of them in there b/c that's how she wanted it.....it's not easy either..

thanx for the critique! big grin


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Old Post Feb 6th, 2004 05:57 PM
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Arena52
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