Gender: Female Location: every which way but loose
Oh hell, I'm choked up now... thanks OB, it really means a lot that you would take the time to read my work, making such beautiful comments only adds to it All of my poems were written directly onto KMC, or some other website. None have ever been written straight onto paper and corrected, they are all pretty much raw apart from spellings etc. I do like my spelling and punctuation to be as close to perfect as possible I guess, what I'm trying to say is that I tend to write whatever comes to mind immediately, nothing is really tweaked and everything is 'made up as I go along'
__________________
ThorinWoofer
Last edited by Syren on May 15th, 2005 at 08:55 PM
Gender: Female Location: every which way but loose
Conquered
Eternally matched by the powers that be,
Floating on heaven and soaring so free...
Such strength surges through us,
A radiant light,
Yet we fight continuous,
No gladness in sight.
Day passes in shadow,
Night storms its way in,
But we'll rise above it,
Determined to win.
Eternally matched by the powers that be,
Floating on heaven and soaring so free...
No mountain can block us,
No hurricane end,
Something so precious,
Much more than pretend.
We're holding so tightly,
It's long overdue,
The future is golden,
Life lessons stay true.
Eternally matched by the powers that be,
Floating on heaven and soaring so free...
Stay with me for always,
Prove that you care,
Devine intervention
Sent love for to share.
Souls intertwined,
Bonds can't be broken,
So know that I love you,
Both written and spoken.
I wrote this at 6.30 this morning, after going to an illegal rave, so it's a bit dodgy... I'm not so keen on it but Jamie (boyf) seemed to appreciate the concept
I think it's pretty good and over-whelmingly positive, which is an appreciated break from the morose-mofos around here...Did you indulge in any happy-happy dancing candy, per chance? Hmm...'Floating on heaven and soaring so free'...Hmm...
__________________ Full fathom five thy father lies;
Of his bones are coral made;
Those are pearls that were his eyes:
Nothing of him that doth fade
But doth suffer a sea-change
Into something rich and strange.
Gender: Male Location: ...cause I'm right here yo!!
to be fair...i'm not some bunghole as depicted by many on this site that i am
I enjoyed "Conquered." Specifics:
Overall Quality--
An interesting poem—uses a traditional form to meditate on the importance of one’s feelings of love for another. Begins with the simple hello, which is the beginning of any important exchange to follow.
Originality--
Not exactly a traditional sonnet, but uses contemporary language in song like quality with the repeated phrasing of “Eternally matched by the powers that be, Floating on heaven and soaring so free....” like a chorus of some sort.
Communication of Theme--
A meditation on the power of love?
Structure--
Overall a long poem but broken down into stanzas.
Diction (well-chosen words): I liked the "continuous/through us" pairing—so many poets shy away from three and four syllable verse endings, even if it is the right word for the poem. But there was a problem with “intervention/intertwined” which led to what did not match with “So know that I love you”…the rhythm was thrown off, but not too badly as it conveyed your intent.
Imagery (type/structure):
The use of “mountain” and “hurricane is a good metaphor for what you were trying to achieve. But I felt if you’d added ‘can’ to “No hurricane end” I think it would’ve made much more sense.
Good work! Scoring 6-7 range out of 10.
Last edited by NunYahBidness on Aug 15th, 2005 at 07:31 PM
Gender: Male Location: ...cause I'm right here yo!!
no problem...i'll check out your more recent ones, as i'm sure you've evolved since your first ones. take care syren, my ego is easily inflated....we wouldn't want that now would we?
Gender: Male Location: ...cause I'm right here yo!!
I’m not one for too much on love poems, as most are quite grating. But this I did like. It’s a reflection of the bitter irony of falling in love online. And I say that from experience to which I shall not divulge.
Format:
Traditional stanza broken into quatrains, but rhyming to the next line rather than alternately, which gives it a sing-song quality. Overall quality is good. Uses modern-day English but some parts written in a style reminiscent of the old masters.
Originality:
A modern day love poem of a chance encounter on the internet, not unlike some past sonnets of a chance meeting down a street, parlour, or at a ball. Pining for the real but sadly relating to each other in the virtual.
Structure:
The four line quatrain makes it easier to read a long poem. Traditional sonnets are normally 14 lines. This being 20 makes it a stanza. The difference being as I stated earlier is that the lines do not rhyme alternately. The meter is continuous and unbroken, but for the last line “I love you Scott G, every day, more and more.” It is minor really.
Favourite line:
“A chance encounter of the internet kind,
Gave me someone who conquered my mind,”
I relate to this very much, as it brought back memories of a happier time for me.
Problem:
But reality strikes momentarily, hard,
Cold realisation, a shattered facade.
This seemed a contradiction to the overall poem. It throws the main theme in another direction without reason or cause. And the comma after “momentarily” gives it an unnecessary pause. If you had left this out, I think it would still do well. After all, this is about how you felt and the initial reaction for this chance meeting.
An “a” could be placed between “Floating in bubble-like…”
“Non entertaining…” threw me off. Did you mean to say “Not?” Maybe a hyphen was needed.
Continue on with that idea or theme, and the poem stands without a need for some conflicting thought.
Imagery:
None to be needed as this was or is more or less a statement or an ode to love for another. The thought you conveyed is all that is needed. Anymore and the poetry would lose its structure.
Excellent work. I give this a 7 out of a 10 scale, 10 being good.
Gender: Female Location: every which way but loose
I've recently edited this poem, one of few I've ever amended...
It's difficult to submit elsewhere due to the personal content so I've switched it from the 1st person narrative to the 3rd and renamed it.
TrustMe.Com
A chance encounter of the internet kind,
Gave her someone who conquered her mind,
With thoughts of meeting, dreams of touch,
Wishes for kisses, transgresses and such.
Conversing daily 'bout interests shared,
Ignoring the future, unsteady and scared,
Replacing with rose coloured visions so tender,
PMs will never be Returned to Sender.
Floating in bubble-like, protected haze,
Non-entertaining of; "could be a phase",
Sighs and sweet whispers through their written word,
Almost believing these letters were heard.
Entranced by his promises, lulled by this bliss,
Interwoven forever, to never be missed,
But reality strikes momentarily, hard,
Cold realisation, a shattered facade.
To be swept up immediate, stifled and dead,
Happiness settles once more in her head,
Ecstasy suffocates moments unsure,
She loves her sweet stranger, each day, more and more.
NunYah, I've added the hyphen in 'non entertaining', thanks for that
I've left the 'a' out in the line 'floating in bubble-like...' as, for me the rhythm is thrown off if it's added.
With regard to;
"But reality strikes momentarily, hard,
Cold realisation, a shattered facade."
I purposely used the comma to represent a break, a breath, between 'momentarily' and 'hard'. I hoped this would emphasise the strength with which the realisation of the danger kicked in. Then, as quickly as it appeared, it's gone... the character is once more enchanted. Thank you for the comments
__________________
ThorinWoofer
Last edited by Syren on Aug 20th, 2005 at 07:55 PM
Gender: Male Location: ...cause I'm right here yo!!
A vast improvement from your previous one. And, after rereading it, the "a" is definately unnecessary and the meter flows more fluently. As for the comma, i can see what you mean by the pause. I had to read it aloud to realise what you were trying to get across. Sometimes that helps out a lot rather than reading it to yourself.
And thank you for that poem. It's a timeless piece with a contemporary twang to it. You should get it published.
I really like this one Syren..it's very touching...you're poetry is amazing, one of the more talented people on here, plus no constant whinning about how hard life is
KMC Community Forums
May 8th, 2005 04:26 PM
All of my poems were written directly onto KMC, or some other website. None have ever been written straight onto paper and corrected, they are all pretty much raw apart from spellings etc. I do like my spelling and punctuation to be as close to perfect as possible 
I guess, what I'm trying to say is that I tend to write whatever comes to mind immediately, nothing is really tweaked and everything is 'made up as I go along' 
It's awesome! 
Thanks muchly 
Thanks guys...
