Location: United States
Kingpin: Spider-Man. Having you here is a real treat.
Spider-Man: If I were you i'd cut down on the treats.
sm: I haven't seen you this angry since the Colonel wouldn't tell you his recipe for his secret spices.
dococ: (to a prone Spider-Man) And who sent you? The NYPD? SHIELD? Or are you another of Osborn's flunkies?
sm: Actually, I'm with the haircut police. There's a $50 dollar fine on bowl cuts in this city.
sm: Thanos, right? I recognize you from your high-school yearbook picture.
THANOS: Silence, human. Your feeble attempts at humor have always annoyed me.
OX (Trying to crush sm): Dis is da day DA OX makes a name for hisself!
sm: What was wrong with the old one? Too hard to spell?
sm: Um..this may not be the best time to tell you, but..
Torch: But what?
sm: I don't have a license.
sm: And I'm wanted for murder.
Torch: Anything else?
sm: I think I'm pregnant.
Torch: Stop it!
to Kingpin and Ra's al Ghul:
sm: Did it ever occur to you that maybe...just maybe...if youre nice to people, they might LET you rule the world?
sm(to kp): Did you have some henchmen for me to fight, or did you eat them already?
sm rushes a pregant woman to the hospital:
Woman: Wait! What's your real name? I want to name my son after you.
PALADIN: I have the strength of three men!
SPIDEY: Which three-- Moe, Larry and Curly?
Human Torch: It's the Red Ghost and his super apes... and they're stealing your car!
Spider-Man: Worse... they're getting monkey fur on my upholstery!
(Spidey fires a webline at the speeding car and gets dragged against the street)
Spider-Man: Ow! (to super apes) Hey! Quit changing the stations on the radio! Those are preset! PRESET!
sm talking to himself...
sm: Good boy Lassie. Now, to--
sm: No. I have to say it. I've waited my whole life to say this.
sm: [outloud] You see inspector? I was right! THE BUTLER DID IT!
sm: I am SO nine years old.
sm: Nine-and-a-half come July.
sm: Stop that.
sm: Okay, now we get serious. We know he came in here...and we know he didn't come out...but we can feel him going down.
sm: We? Stop that.
sm: Roaches check in, but they don't check out.
sm: Peter...has it occured to you that your brain started getting a little funny right around the same time that you got dizzy?
sm: Of course, puberty had pretty much the same effect, but still--
sm: Peter, you should really stop talking to yourself in the third person. You're starting to creep me out.
Scorpion: I'm not aiming to lose you, big mouth! I'm just gonna smash you into the middle of next week!
Spiderman: Good! There's a T.V show on then that i've been dying to see!
Spider-man: That man youīre talking about wouldnīt be a blubbery behemoth by the name of Wilson Fisk, would it?
Thug leader: Spider-man?! Plug `im!
Spider-man: "Plug `im"? I can see that David Mamet doesnīt write your dialogue! I guess Fisk likes to surround himself with drooling idiots so he can feel superior. Iīm sure it relates to his weight problem. All the kids probably made fun of him back in grade school so he needs to compensate for his feelings of vestigial childhood anxiety and intense inferiority by... I canīt believe it! I spend all this time developing a sophisticated pyschological profile of the Kingpin and no oneīs even listening to me..?
*by now all the thugs are knocked out*
Guy 1: Look out, itīs spiderman
Guy 2: Shoot him he canīt YOOOMPH (expression of pain)
sm: Well maybe I canīt YOOOMPH, but I can certainly kick-box with the best of them
- Spider-Man, to Morlun, ASM #33-
Listen buddy. I've fought every kind of nutball on the planet. I've fought freaks, mutants, aliens and high-tech gangs. Heck, I've even fought my own costume. And you know what? You're the first one who's really ticked me off. You want me? Bring it on, chowderhead!
From the Ultimate Spiderman Game
Facing the Rhino
Hey ugly! Is that a horn or are you just happy to.... wow, I'm so scared I can't even finish my lame joke [Thrown]
Pummeled by the Green Goblin into the Floor
That's it. I've officialy run out of ways to say 'ow'.
Spectacular Spider-man 256
Peter with Bag on his head, as the Bombastic Bag-man fighting with thugs of The White Rabbit (during the Identity crisis).
Ho-ho-ho. The Bag-man laughs in the face of danger! Once I was a timid grocery store clerc, content to stuff other people's edibles into brown paper sacks. Then one day, a lightning bolt shattered a shipment of exotic shampoos spattering me with a once-in-a-lifetime mix of perfumes, herbs and non-toxic chemicals and I discovered that, in that auspicious accident, I had been -- transformed! Fate had granted me super powers! I could fly -- twelve feet above the ground! I have the strength of two-and-a-half-men! And I have the uncanny ability to see in the dark without a night light!
The white rabbit:
Oh yes? Well EAT HOT CARROTS!
Guy - Holy spit! Spider-man! Where the heck did he com from?
sm - Well, one day a mommy spider and a daddy spider fell very much in love...
Zombies come out from subway station, then the myst fog, then mysterio comes out.
sm: Holographic zombies? Where'd you get the idea from... Scooby-Doo?
White Scorpion tried to rob a bank, Spidey kick him away.
Spidey: "Sorry Scorpion, you have exceeded your daily withdraw limit!"
Ghost Rider comes to the rescue
GR: whenever vengeance calls, Ghost Rider is ready!
sm: Riiight. Although technically, I don't know that this is so much of a...y'know...vengeance...nevermind
(In a meeting with Tony Stark, Cap America, Wolverine and Ghost Rider(
SM: look! Can we just get this over with? I have, you know, a life, believe it or not. I know scruffy here's got twenty teams of X-men end who knows what waiting on him to do whatever so...!
GR: Spiderman is correct. Vengeance must not be made to wait
sm: oh. That's just his....It's his thing...vengeance
(to what is left of Ultron)
sm:Hey, Ultron! To put this in terms you may have come across while living in the Internet... LOL! PWNED!
Nick Fury:Peter, optimism is a revolutionary act.
Peter:Who told you that? The guy who poked out your eye?
From the Spider-Man 2 video game:
Mysterio: I am...Mysterio!
Spider-Man: Mysterio? I think I ate a bowl of Mysterio's for breakfast.
sm: O.K., We are partners, but that's only temporary. After be bust those tech thiefs it's payback time for kidnaping my wife!
Venom: Gee, we made one little mistake. We said we are sorry.
sm: Yeah whatever. Now the imposter was a shapeshifter, so it had to be Mysterio or the Cameleon.
Venom: Cameleon was our idea!
sm: Then tell me this smart guy. Who would like to steal Ock's technology>
Venom: We know, we know!
Venom: The... Submariner?
sm:The Submariner? Get serious!
Venom: The might Thor?
sm: Are you out of your mind? ... Don't answer that.
Venom: Uh... Galactus!
sm: Forget it Eddie, we need Jamersons help on this one.
Venom: Jamerson. We hate Jamerson.
sm: We are not going to Jamerson you bonehead. We are going to use his computer databases.
Venom: Oh, are we gonna "surf the web"?
sm:Let's just go, ok?
Venom: Hey Spidey, wanna race?
Venom: Parker hates when I sneak up on him.
sm: I hate it when he sneak up on me!
sm: Hi, I'm Luke Skywalker and I'm here to save you. Sorry, I always wanted to say that.
sm: So does your 'gang' have a name yet? How about the Punching Bags?
sm: You know, I'll never forget the words of the last guy who threatened me: Not in the face, not in the face!
sm: You do know I'm Spider-Man, not Stand-Still-And-Get-Hit-Man, right?
sm: Spider sense tingling. I'm sensing...losers!
sm: Good news? You'll be on tomorrow's front page. Bad news? It'll be a picture of me beating the daylights out of you.
blck cat: Why'd you stop halfway through your punch?
Kraven: I would really have a problem with hitting a girl.
**Spidey swings in**
sm: That's funny Krave-Krave, I never seem to feel guilty after pounding your face in.