I know this is a bit long
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bubble-chan my heart aches for you.
the lonelyness fills up within my heart
my heart fills with empty jars of blood
i sat down alone in the darkness looking at the lights
imaganing what life would of been like...
if i was with you.
lying with you
next with you
with my face parraleling to yours on the bed
i stare into your beautiful eyes and make another dream in a dream
my happyness is overwhelming
with thoughts of a figment of imaginations i cry for
figments of things that would of of happened only if i was with you
the one admiring you
comforting your very soul body and mind
looking at myself and thinking how lucky i am too even got to here..
but only if i was there
the only risks of traveling
meeting someone you can not take
love and care the one with fate
sometimes i feel like a fish ready to take a bait
not knowing what your getting yourself into
now knowing the future you say mindless things
you care for her pamper the one you love and try your hardest to get what you can get
then there gone like the cliched saying of a wind
i try to realize you are happy within yourself with your other...
but then i imagine if i was your other
your other caring soul
the one
for you to take you by your hands and talk to you
maybe even possibly marrying you
if i was with you
my heart would be pure
not even the death rays of pure smoke can smog it nor the pills of great wonder could take over anymore.
but...
i'll always remember this one vivid exaggerated dream of a real moment in life
my head lying next to yours with smiles in both of our faces laughing and giggling with the the nicknames we both gave like beautiful pure beautiful sun lying in the thin windy lukewarm air..... i whisper in my dreams in dreams to say bubble-chain i love you.
My heart aches for you...
so now... i'm gone with the wind wandering and trying to forget you
i go a forbidden zone.. a forbidden area a place where i can be happy nor sad or relaxation of comfort and discomfort.
a place which i call a unforgiving chore to releive myself of all this...
I like the the imagery but I wonder if the poem could somehow be more structured. I mean that I can read it as a paragraph in a story but as a poem some of the lines seem to be too long. Are there any extra words that can be cut out or concepts that can be rephrased. I know that poetry is often an immediate expression of one's thought or emotions and when written down you often don't think of the structure. when I reread my own poetry I like to go back to it a few times over the course of a month to see if I want to change anything. I find that reading a poem out loud can often give a different direction into a poem.
while true that you've written this probably at the spur of the moment...but the spelling errors were too distracting, as that is one of my pet peeves....
beyond that, to write from life experience is not new and love unrequited is as old as ancient greece....your story is compelling in that i've experienced what you've written...
maybe if you were to find another way of rephrasing the tried and true line with something a little more colourful or morbid if you will
KMC Community Forums
May 19th, 2005 01:05 AM
And I thought I was bad 
