I have grown to hate you
but my love for you is too overbearing
that is overpowers the side that hates
yet God will not put more on us that we can bear
but
i'm fighting the love [i have for you]
i'm fighting it literally strategically
will all of my might
what good will it do me
to love you
it has done me none but hate
what benefit will it bring me
what is the purpose
especially if the love is not sent in return
for the past couple of months
you have flooded my insides like never before
i see you not often but very rare
but all of sudden i feel inundated by a rush of love
my single life's dam has been damaged severely
and the waters of love has passed through
uncontrollably
and it's level rises
and i swim for safety
but the waves of love rise above me
and i'm pushed out away from land
away from any objects of safety
and i'm tired
of doggy paddling to stay above water
i'm tired of swimming to stay alive
alive in love
it surrounds me in its open water
but does nothing to save me
a wave comes crashing down
and the water of love chokes me
entering my nostrils
and mouth
filling my lungs
i'm drowning even now as i type
loving you has caused me stress
even at times i feel depressed
man it even has me feeling alone
that feeling i haven't felt for years now
i've been single
never dating
for 3 to 4 years
and happy
til you came along to destroy what i've built
it has put not something i'd consider a dent
more like it's has been bashing
my single life
it's being rammed into
by the love i have for you
my life being single AND happy
is being destroyed
and i can't save it
i'm doing what i can to hold on to what I have left of that happiness
i'm struggling
but my love for you won't let me be happy
won't let me be happy being single
how can i feel this way about you
we met mid 2004
it's been over 5 months
we haven't talked to one another
and i rarely see you
geez we have never even been together
we tried building a friendship
but you messed that all up
that drove me to write
he, she & the examiner
to try understanding you
from all angles
what it was you wanted from me
and yet i still know nothing
loving you is as if i'm in the lake of fire
it burns and is painful
i scream with droves of tears coming from my soul unto God,
"please!!!!
completely eradicate this man from my memory
let me be single AND happy
without feeling for no man
at least not on that level"
but God ignores my plea
so many months have passed since we last spoke
you speak to me not
and my love for you has only experienced growth
how can this be
i want to be set free
from love
from loving you
this is pure torture
being crucified internally
is worse than a crucifixion of the physical
and yet my love wants you more
than i wish to let go
but i hate you
i feel you have cursed me
to have fallen in love with a man
who loveth me not
oh how that hurts
with such acidic pain
my soul cryeth aloud
let me go
get out of my life
out of my thoughts
out of my dreams
i wish we never met
i never asked for this love for you
i never asked for it so why do i love you
so intensively
why has love attacked me
why is love punishing me
what good has it done me
to have ever met you
sure YOU can find pleasure
to know a woman
not just any woman
but a woman whom you found attractive enough to approach
to fallen deeply in love with you
never having been with you
not knowing much of anything about you
like some sort of love at "first" sight
so i'm sure you are beyond the meaning of flattered
but what about me?
you kill me slowly with your silence
your absence is a dagger to the heart
i can't stand to see you
and not have you
i can't stand to not see you
i wish i could just say be gone and then you are
but my love for you says
"no i want him to be here and hope that you will be"
just for the passed couple of months have i been shot open
like love was surpressed more than gone
like i thought it was
and acted and moved on like it was
as if a ticking bomb just exploded
love for you on ridiculous levels
floods me so
and have no understanding of what caused it
and why
i'm just as confused
when generally i have great clarity
hope has given me no joy
no satisfaction
the battle i face within
to remain happy in my singleness
not being emotionally attached to any man
and i have found myself in great dilemma
one i struggle to rid
one i've analyzed from all angles
all perspectives
i struggle to get you out of my system
my mind
my heart
my skin
my eyes
my senses
my being
my spirit
my soul
my subconscious
my conscious
my memory
OUT OF ME ENTIRELY
why?
because my love for you has somehow gotten stronger
than my hate for you
it doesn't make any sense
there is no reason for me to feel this way about you
when we don't speak or cross each others' path
love tearing down a wall i want up
love will not let me let you go
and that i despise
the very love i never asked for
has bumrushed me from all sides
it will not let you out of my life
no matter how many ways i execute to make it happen
you're still there
i don't try i just find a plan and do
but my several plans have all failed me
in my heart
in me
you still reside
eviction doesn't work
music doesn't work
God won't help
love definitely won't either
seeing you and facing the situation head on won't work
expressing myself to you didn't work
so you tell me
how can i increase my hate
to then overpower love
love that i have without welcome for you
that it will kill and destroy it
so i will no longer hurt?
this is why i choose single
because it frees me of this emotion
that hasn't proven to be an easy release
something as small as not seeing you
hurts
because and only because i'm attached to you
like a rib
it's internal
matters that surround the "heart"
the love expressed that i have for you
desires you
the hate expressed that i have for you
desires you nonexistent to me
you can give me one of the two
and yet i still will be hurt
it's no win/win situation for me
i will suffer a loss either way
so say what you will
never mind about hurting me
that you've done subconsciously
or maybe it was intentionally
never really know with you men
whom i've grown to hate even the more
and even as you read this
you're still hurting me
one pain will be greater than the other
so speak
speak plainly
speak precise
speak knowing
it's time
time well-over due
bring me clarity and honesty
is what i need from you
I'm so tired
tired of battling with remaining single AND happy
it never used to be a struggle until you
Author: Halima Mitchell [that's me ]
Last edited by Halima81 on Aug 23rd, 2005 at 08:15 AM
Gender: Male Location: Holding on tight, never lettin go!
hmmm.... wow. hahahahaha wow.
Very very very great, like, really. hahaha..... and a question to pose to your own, with an answer as well.
Question; WHY NOT JUST TELL HIM YO! hahaha we guys are pretty dang thick at times.
Answer; hatred can never overpower love, and will never survive. It is written that of all things, Love shall endure forever. Even death has no power over it.
__________________
Sent from heaven to raise some hell.
Why not tell him? I wrote the poem two days ago and just yesterday out of the blue someone tells me he just got married last weekend. D@$! Can't tell him now and get what my love wants huh?! I'm not one of those females who mess around with married men. He's completely "off the market."
Love does endures forever but in my case in loss. Not like I would have gotten him since he was obviously all caught up in a relationship for him to be married now and he and I hadn't spoken for months. That explains his "departure" from my life. I sure wasn't going to attempt to "steal" him away. That's not me.
I'm pissed but you know what - hope he's happy. Someone else felt the need to tell me that it could be a rumor since I didn't hear it from the horse's mouth. Even so I can't just walk up to him and ask him if he is or isn't. It's really none of my business. And even if he isn't, I have no "guarantee" he'll want me after all this time he chose to not speak to me for whatever reason. Before my confidence was my guarantee. But now, he's sent so many mixed signals I have absolutely no clue so no guarantee enough to move upon.
I'll just beat the hell into love with hate yelling and screaming, "Didn't I tell you [punch] I didn't [punch] want [punch] to love this [punch-punch]way. [punch continuously]." Haha. But for real!
Somehow dear old cupid caught up with me and shot me and he got me real bad! So now it's my turn to whip his cupid-a$$!
Gender: Male Location: Holding on tight, never lettin go!
wow.... hahaha yeah, sorry. well, I am grateful for you having the honor and courage to let him be as he is, and not try to wreck a marriage. hahaha yeah, mixed signals are not cool at all. been there, did that. no t shirt, but plenty of scars on my heart. haha hit love, a pillow or wall. ahahahh! that is what I did when this crap happened to me. now, when I feel that way, i quash it quick and write it out(see my thread and you'll see what i mean) or I just try to forget about it. hahah shoot cupe back! a .44 is a good start. hahahhaa!!!!
__________________
Sent from heaven to raise some hell.
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Aug 23rd, 2005 08:13 AM
